Just a quick vent. Yesterday, I had lunch with a perfectly nice woman who has a similar job as me in another county. We were chatting about our lives and she mentions that she has 2 boys who have ADHD.
Then she gives me a knowing look and says, "Well, you know, I adopted them."
Really? Because you couldn't possibly have given birth to children who had any issues? It's as though she was citing their being adopted as the reason they had ADHD. People who know nothing about adoption assume that adopted children have problems that biological children wouldn't have. What really irks me is when adoptive parents perpetuate that.
And I wonder, if I adopted a child, would I do that? Would I explain away any issues or problems my child had as being because he was genetically related to someone else? Would I want to make sure people knew it wasn't a reflection on me and my genes? I'd like to think I wouldn't. But is it something that people do without even realizing what they are doing? Is our desire to let the world know that there's nothing wrong with US that great? I don't know. But it irritates me.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Lookin' Up
I've been working on a post about my feelings about adoption for the past month. I just can't seem to get my thoughts together in some coherent way. I'll keep working on it - I promise.
In the meantime, I thought it was worth posting that MICHAEL GOT A JOB!!! And not just any job. He actually got 2 great job offers in the span of a few days. Ironically, they came right after the election - so he was unemployed for exactly a year. We had to choose between a steady mid-level job on the Hill - which was exactly what he was looking for all this time - and running the re-election campaign for a guy in Richmond (about 1.5 hrs away) for the next year. Guess which one we chose? Richmond. Yes, we are crazy. The job in Richmond just has so much more potential. It's the age old risk/reward equation. And Michael was so excited about it. It's great to see the fire back in him. I missed that.
We had a great long weekend with friends down in Nags Head, NC. Some of my friends were running the full and half marathons - and they added an 8K so that I could run too! The 8K was Saturday and the other races were Sunday so it was great to be able to cheer on everyone else. These people were hard core. One girl ran the marathon with bronchitis, another did the 1/2 marathon without training. No wait, she had run 3 miles one time a few months back. Another ran the 8K with a stress fracture. (And won her freakin' age group!) Amazing. So, while I was proud of myself for finishing with a great time for me, I could only get but so puffed up. ;-) The weather was perfect. We ate, drank, laughed and ran ourselves silly. Michael had his last interview on Saturday, so he missed my race, but here's a blurry shot from someone's cell phone. Thanks to my running buddy, Colby - I finished faster than EVER. (Of course, despite my smile, I also thought I would die at the end...)
**************************
Last but definitely not least, I'd like to take a minute to thank everyone who has served in our military. Veteran's Day can seem like just a random day off, but I'm thinking of you all today. You are the reason I have the everyday freedoms to do the things that I do. Thanks for keeping us safe and protecting our ideals.
In the meantime, I thought it was worth posting that MICHAEL GOT A JOB!!! And not just any job. He actually got 2 great job offers in the span of a few days. Ironically, they came right after the election - so he was unemployed for exactly a year. We had to choose between a steady mid-level job on the Hill - which was exactly what he was looking for all this time - and running the re-election campaign for a guy in Richmond (about 1.5 hrs away) for the next year. Guess which one we chose? Richmond. Yes, we are crazy. The job in Richmond just has so much more potential. It's the age old risk/reward equation. And Michael was so excited about it. It's great to see the fire back in him. I missed that.
We had a great long weekend with friends down in Nags Head, NC. Some of my friends were running the full and half marathons - and they added an 8K so that I could run too! The 8K was Saturday and the other races were Sunday so it was great to be able to cheer on everyone else. These people were hard core. One girl ran the marathon with bronchitis, another did the 1/2 marathon without training. No wait, she had run 3 miles one time a few months back. Another ran the 8K with a stress fracture. (And won her freakin' age group!) Amazing. So, while I was proud of myself for finishing with a great time for me, I could only get but so puffed up. ;-) The weather was perfect. We ate, drank, laughed and ran ourselves silly. Michael had his last interview on Saturday, so he missed my race, but here's a blurry shot from someone's cell phone. Thanks to my running buddy, Colby - I finished faster than EVER. (Of course, despite my smile, I also thought I would die at the end...)
**************************
Last but definitely not least, I'd like to take a minute to thank everyone who has served in our military. Veteran's Day can seem like just a random day off, but I'm thinking of you all today. You are the reason I have the everyday freedoms to do the things that I do. Thanks for keeping us safe and protecting our ideals.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
What If
Our new director at work used to be the president and CEO of a company that manufacturs a fertility device. It's like an at-home IUI. Since she started a year ago, I have been dreading the conversation with her about my infertility. (Most people at work know about our struggles.)
It finally happened. (And she was actually better about it than I thought she'd be.)
HER: "Your neice is GORGEOUS!"
ME: "Yeah, she's pretty great. I'm lucky that they are close by."
HER: "I probably shouldn't ask this...but..."
HER: "Are you guys planning to have kids?"
ME: (In my head) - SHIT! I knew this was coming. What the heck do I say?! (Out loud) - "Oh, we can't have kids. We tried for about 4 years and it didn't work out."
HER: (Sitting down in my cubicle guest chair - uh oh) "Did they figure out what's wrong?"
ME: "Basically, I don't have many good eggs left in the basket."
HER: "But you are still having your period, right? Then you can still have kids!"
Aaaaaggggghhhhhhh!!!!! Then she goes on to tell me all about this device that OF COURSE I had Googled the minute I saw it on her bio, but I couldn't let on to that. She regaled me with stories about all these couples who got pregnant with it after the fertility clinics had given up on them. She told me she had one at home and offered to give it to me if I was interested. Which was really very nice of her. And she wasn't pushy about it at all. I just thanked her and told her I'd look at the website. (Which has all these testimonials from people who had tried for "11 whole months!" Barf.)
So obviously, we're letting that subject die. I'm hoping she doesn't bring it up again. What the heck do I say if she brings it up again?! Michael said I could tell her that we've made our peace with not having kids.
We have?
I haven't. And I'm not sure I could actually utter those words without bursting into tears. Maybe someday. Not now. I guess I could just thank her again, but tell her that I couldn't bear to put myself through any more. That cycle of hope and despair. I don't miss that at all.
But that hope DOES come creeping back in every now and then. I hate it. Today, my crazy endocrinologist decided that there was no good reason that I couldn't have kids, so he ordered a bunch of bloodwork and wants my records from the fertility specialist. Whatever. I went with it. Why not? There was a visiting doctor from the Czech republic who told me that after his wife was told she could never have children, she went to a spa to just get away from everything. He went to visit her there and - you guessed it - she got pregnant.
The problem with all of this is that it sneaks that teensy percentage into my psyche. The "what-ifs" begin. And start me down that painful path of hopefulness. Why? I KNOW I can't have kids. I'm starting to accept that. And then things like this happen and set me back who knows how far.
Why can't I be one of those people who gives up and then gets pregnant? Why can't I be someone who goes on vacation and gets knocked up inexplicably? Why can't I be the person that the fertility clinic gave up on who had my very own miracle?
You'd think the reality check that comes every month in the form of my period would be enough to snap me back, but it isn't. I think denial and hope are inextricably linked.
It finally happened. (And she was actually better about it than I thought she'd be.)
HER: "Your neice is GORGEOUS!"
ME: "Yeah, she's pretty great. I'm lucky that they are close by."
HER: "I probably shouldn't ask this...but..."
HER: "Are you guys planning to have kids?"
ME: (In my head) - SHIT! I knew this was coming. What the heck do I say?! (Out loud) - "Oh, we can't have kids. We tried for about 4 years and it didn't work out."
HER: (Sitting down in my cubicle guest chair - uh oh) "Did they figure out what's wrong?"
ME: "Basically, I don't have many good eggs left in the basket."
HER: "But you are still having your period, right? Then you can still have kids!"
Aaaaaggggghhhhhhh!!!!! Then she goes on to tell me all about this device that OF COURSE I had Googled the minute I saw it on her bio, but I couldn't let on to that. She regaled me with stories about all these couples who got pregnant with it after the fertility clinics had given up on them. She told me she had one at home and offered to give it to me if I was interested. Which was really very nice of her. And she wasn't pushy about it at all. I just thanked her and told her I'd look at the website. (Which has all these testimonials from people who had tried for "11 whole months!" Barf.)
So obviously, we're letting that subject die. I'm hoping she doesn't bring it up again. What the heck do I say if she brings it up again?! Michael said I could tell her that we've made our peace with not having kids.
We have?
I haven't. And I'm not sure I could actually utter those words without bursting into tears. Maybe someday. Not now. I guess I could just thank her again, but tell her that I couldn't bear to put myself through any more. That cycle of hope and despair. I don't miss that at all.
But that hope DOES come creeping back in every now and then. I hate it. Today, my crazy endocrinologist decided that there was no good reason that I couldn't have kids, so he ordered a bunch of bloodwork and wants my records from the fertility specialist. Whatever. I went with it. Why not? There was a visiting doctor from the Czech republic who told me that after his wife was told she could never have children, she went to a spa to just get away from everything. He went to visit her there and - you guessed it - she got pregnant.
The problem with all of this is that it sneaks that teensy percentage into my psyche. The "what-ifs" begin. And start me down that painful path of hopefulness. Why? I KNOW I can't have kids. I'm starting to accept that. And then things like this happen and set me back who knows how far.
Why can't I be one of those people who gives up and then gets pregnant? Why can't I be someone who goes on vacation and gets knocked up inexplicably? Why can't I be the person that the fertility clinic gave up on who had my very own miracle?
You'd think the reality check that comes every month in the form of my period would be enough to snap me back, but it isn't. I think denial and hope are inextricably linked.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Refocused
I figured out why I was in a funk.
1 - I was coming down with a nasty flu.
2 - I was starting my period (which usually leads to some sort of funk-type behavior).
3 - My friend's husband was dying.
4 - We were in the same place we were in November (i.e. no job and no baby), only with a smaller bank account.
Add those things together and give them a stir - perfect recipe for a major funk. Not that I need an excuse or a reason to be in a funk, but it makes me feel a little better to know there were contributing factors.
So now that I'm on the other side of that, I can give you a proper update on my life.
The best news?
Michael got a JOB!!! It's only through the election (November), so part of me is worried that in a few short months, we'll be back to square 1, but I'm trying to tell that part of me to SHUT IT and just be happy for a change. We are hoping that something permanent will come out of this. He loves what he is doing, even though he has to commute 90 miles each way. I am so thrilled to see him excited about something - he's like a different person. I'm glad to really have him back now. So - YAY!
I just got back from my annual Girls' Beach Weekend with 6 of my friends. We had a great time - hanging out, talking, laughing, playing games, and of course a lot of eating and (too much) drinking. I brought my running clothes, but they stayed safely in my suitcase. My friend A-T asked us all a great question one night at dinner.
"What is the best thing that happened to you since our trip last summer?"
With that one question, I realized that I have been so focused on the crappy things in my life that I can't see the forest for the trees. Some pretty great things HAVE happened this year. Michael came home from Alabama. I got a new niece and nephew. I had some big successes at work. I ran some races that I never thought I could do. I reconnected with old friends. I spent some quality time with family. I get to see my little sister as a mom now. I'm getting ready to welcome a new sister-in-law to the family. When I step back and take a look, things are actually pretty darn good.
I just have to remind myself to keep doing that.
1 - I was coming down with a nasty flu.
2 - I was starting my period (which usually leads to some sort of funk-type behavior).
3 - My friend's husband was dying.
4 - We were in the same place we were in November (i.e. no job and no baby), only with a smaller bank account.
Add those things together and give them a stir - perfect recipe for a major funk. Not that I need an excuse or a reason to be in a funk, but it makes me feel a little better to know there were contributing factors.
So now that I'm on the other side of that, I can give you a proper update on my life.
The best news?
Michael got a JOB!!! It's only through the election (November), so part of me is worried that in a few short months, we'll be back to square 1, but I'm trying to tell that part of me to SHUT IT and just be happy for a change. We are hoping that something permanent will come out of this. He loves what he is doing, even though he has to commute 90 miles each way. I am so thrilled to see him excited about something - he's like a different person. I'm glad to really have him back now. So - YAY!
I just got back from my annual Girls' Beach Weekend with 6 of my friends. We had a great time - hanging out, talking, laughing, playing games, and of course a lot of eating and (too much) drinking. I brought my running clothes, but they stayed safely in my suitcase. My friend A-T asked us all a great question one night at dinner.
"What is the best thing that happened to you since our trip last summer?"
With that one question, I realized that I have been so focused on the crappy things in my life that I can't see the forest for the trees. Some pretty great things HAVE happened this year. Michael came home from Alabama. I got a new niece and nephew. I had some big successes at work. I ran some races that I never thought I could do. I reconnected with old friends. I spent some quality time with family. I get to see my little sister as a mom now. I'm getting ready to welcome a new sister-in-law to the family. When I step back and take a look, things are actually pretty darn good.
I just have to remind myself to keep doing that.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
In a Funk
In case you've been wondering, that's where I am right now. In a funk.
We had a crazy time at work with a federal review (which actually went really well - thanks to my team), then an awesome week at the beach with my family. Since then, we've been dealing with a broken A/C, a dog who jumped our neighbor's mastiff (read - vet bill and risk of lawsuit), some almost jobs for Michael, and - as usual, a whole lot of limbo.
In some ways, I feel like this unemployment thing is a lot like infertility. You get your hopes up over and over again just to have them trampled. I feel like we are constantly waiting. And there is no end. I just want it to be over.
See - I told you I'm in a funk. Aren't you glad you popped in?
We had a crazy time at work with a federal review (which actually went really well - thanks to my team), then an awesome week at the beach with my family. Since then, we've been dealing with a broken A/C, a dog who jumped our neighbor's mastiff (read - vet bill and risk of lawsuit), some almost jobs for Michael, and - as usual, a whole lot of limbo.
In some ways, I feel like this unemployment thing is a lot like infertility. You get your hopes up over and over again just to have them trampled. I feel like we are constantly waiting. And there is no end. I just want it to be over.
See - I told you I'm in a funk. Aren't you glad you popped in?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Forgotten
I have had no time to blog lately. Part of that is a good thing - getting out an enjoying life, hanging out with Michael, etc. But the other part of that has been work. It's been nuttly lately, and it doesn't look like there will be any reprieve until the family beach trip in July. But - we all do what we have to!
Something has been on my mind. I can't decide if I should legitimately be upset or if I am playing the victim (as I know the solution and haven't done a darn thing about it). Anyway, here's the thing - after our final IVF failed, not a single person from the fertility clinic called. Not my doctor, not my nurse, NO ONE. My nurse was on vacation when my results came in, so another nurse who didn't know our situation got to be the one to give us that tremendous news. I kind of expected our nurse to call herself once she got back. But she didn't. I also expected our doctor to call since he has after EVERY SINGLE ONE of our other treatments. He's called to check on us, review what happened, and review next steps. He's even called us from his vacations and on his days off.
So, I thought - maybe he's just giving us time to grieve, given that this was our last IVF. But that was April. He's not calling. So I'm thinking all these things in my head.
"Was he really always only interested in the next steps (i.e. more $$)?"
"Did he only pretend to care before?"
"Did he finally give up on us as a hopeless case?"
"Did he decide there were no viable options for us at this point (donor, surrogate, etc.)"
"Was it more - good riddance - since we were bringing their stats down?"
I feel like a giant IVF loser. Now here's where the victim thing comes into play. I know I could call him. I know I could call and ask about other options. But that isn't really the point. I don't think Michael and I would be willing (or able) to spend all of that cash on a chance - especially since they aren't quite sure what was wrong with me in the first place. The point is that WE should be the ones who get to make that decision. By not calling us, I feel like the doctor has already made that determination for us. I'm 99% sure we wouldn't take any of the options left out there, so it seems silly to call and ask about them. And the thought of going into the fertility clinic now to meet with him makes me want to burst into tears - all those years and all that hope. Gone. *shudder*
I've also thought of calling them and letting them know how I felt - like a number and a funding source. I'm guessing they were trying to be respectful of our grief and knowing it was our last IVF, they didn't have anything left to offer us. Or - maybe I'm hoping that.
I just needed to get that out. Because I'm tired of it swirling around in my head.
On a side note, Gary, IN is an incredibly depressing place. Just FYI.
Something has been on my mind. I can't decide if I should legitimately be upset or if I am playing the victim (as I know the solution and haven't done a darn thing about it). Anyway, here's the thing - after our final IVF failed, not a single person from the fertility clinic called. Not my doctor, not my nurse, NO ONE. My nurse was on vacation when my results came in, so another nurse who didn't know our situation got to be the one to give us that tremendous news. I kind of expected our nurse to call herself once she got back. But she didn't. I also expected our doctor to call since he has after EVERY SINGLE ONE of our other treatments. He's called to check on us, review what happened, and review next steps. He's even called us from his vacations and on his days off.
So, I thought - maybe he's just giving us time to grieve, given that this was our last IVF. But that was April. He's not calling. So I'm thinking all these things in my head.
"Was he really always only interested in the next steps (i.e. more $$)?"
"Did he only pretend to care before?"
"Did he finally give up on us as a hopeless case?"
"Did he decide there were no viable options for us at this point (donor, surrogate, etc.)"
"Was it more - good riddance - since we were bringing their stats down?"
I feel like a giant IVF loser. Now here's where the victim thing comes into play. I know I could call him. I know I could call and ask about other options. But that isn't really the point. I don't think Michael and I would be willing (or able) to spend all of that cash on a chance - especially since they aren't quite sure what was wrong with me in the first place. The point is that WE should be the ones who get to make that decision. By not calling us, I feel like the doctor has already made that determination for us. I'm 99% sure we wouldn't take any of the options left out there, so it seems silly to call and ask about them. And the thought of going into the fertility clinic now to meet with him makes me want to burst into tears - all those years and all that hope. Gone. *shudder*
I've also thought of calling them and letting them know how I felt - like a number and a funding source. I'm guessing they were trying to be respectful of our grief and knowing it was our last IVF, they didn't have anything left to offer us. Or - maybe I'm hoping that.
I just needed to get that out. Because I'm tired of it swirling around in my head.
On a side note, Gary, IN is an incredibly depressing place. Just FYI.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Benefits of Being Late
So anyone who knows me in real life knows that I have a slight problem with punctuality. I'm usually in the ballpark of on time, but I'm hardly ever early. For anything. The past few times I've gone, I've been later than "on time" to my kickboxing class. (Meaning the class has already started and I have to jump in without getting hit.)
Today, I was actually early. Which reminded me why it is sometimes BAD to be early. The class right before Kickboxing is Prenatal Yoga. I had forgotten that little tidbit. So, I got to witness a bunch of pregnant ladies rubbing their growing bellies. Which at this point, I can kind of shrug off. That will never be me and I know that now. But what I still can't deal with is COMPLAINING pregnant ladies. I swear to God - they were all whining about how dreadful it was to be pregnant. One of them said she never wants to be pregnant again, how this is the worst experience of her life. Another one said she was laying down the law with her husband - that this was going to be her last kid. Another was whining about how she never got her body back after the last baby, so this one had surely doomed her.
I bit my tongue. Hard. (And then thought mean things about them waddling out of class.) I know pregnancy is uncomfortable, but I really don't need to hear about how terrible it is when it's the one thing in life I so desperately want and cannot have. I know they didn't know about my infertility. I know they have every right to complain. I just didn't really want to hear it.
It's a good thing the class was kickboxing because I had just a wee bit of aggression to get out right about then.
I think I'll plan to be late from now on.
Today, I was actually early. Which reminded me why it is sometimes BAD to be early. The class right before Kickboxing is Prenatal Yoga. I had forgotten that little tidbit. So, I got to witness a bunch of pregnant ladies rubbing their growing bellies. Which at this point, I can kind of shrug off. That will never be me and I know that now. But what I still can't deal with is COMPLAINING pregnant ladies. I swear to God - they were all whining about how dreadful it was to be pregnant. One of them said she never wants to be pregnant again, how this is the worst experience of her life. Another one said she was laying down the law with her husband - that this was going to be her last kid. Another was whining about how she never got her body back after the last baby, so this one had surely doomed her.
I bit my tongue. Hard. (And then thought mean things about them waddling out of class.) I know pregnancy is uncomfortable, but I really don't need to hear about how terrible it is when it's the one thing in life I so desperately want and cannot have. I know they didn't know about my infertility. I know they have every right to complain. I just didn't really want to hear it.
It's a good thing the class was kickboxing because I had just a wee bit of aggression to get out right about then.
I think I'll plan to be late from now on.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ahhhhhhh
Can I just tell you how AWESOME our vacation was? I think we needed that in a really bad way. There was not one single minute where I wished I was doing anything else. We did a lot of relaxing - but an amazing amount of activity as well - playing with kids (5 and 9 and cute as can be) and dogs, hot tubbing, deep conversations, running (me), driving range (Michael), going out in a catamaran, doing a nature hike in a bird sanctuary, seeing an old shipwreck, making pizza & sangria, looking at planets through a telescope, playing board games, hiking up huge sand dunes to watch the sunset (see picture), playing table shuffleboard, dancing, and finally, ending up in a bar that was hosting a bikini contest. Phew. It was a great time. And I think Michael and I behaved enough to hopefully get another invite someday. Everyone there was so great and welcoming and friendly. The girl whose family owned the house is a friend of a friend. In a super odd small world story - her brother was there too - and it turns out he's the guy who did our mortgage. Wildness.
Anyway, it was a great time. I won't torture you with all kinds of stories, but Michael and I felt like ourselves again. Good stuff. Why can't it always be a vacation? I guess because we wouldn't appreciate it as much.
Speaking of stories - I feel like I really need a new name for this blog. So I'm taking suggestions. Here are a few options Michael and I thought of...
Tales from the Hoodie
"But it's KINDA Funny" - (classic quote from my nephew)
Any opinions? Or other suggestions? I'm leaning towards Tales from the Hoodie, but I'm open. (Michael makes total fun of me for loving hoodies.)
Monday, May 18, 2009
HAPPY OTHERS DAY
That was the message on the board of a church I pass on my way to and from the gym. I notice little sayings every now and then, but this one got me. I have no idea if it was an accident - probably the leftover message from last weekend, but the M fell off.
I'd rather think it was on purpose. And that the sermon was about all the people who feel marginalized at one time or another during the year. The heartbroken on Valentine's Day, the grieving at Christmastime, and of course, the ones like me who long for children of their own on Mother's and Father's Day. We all feel left out every now and then. It can feel like the whole world is celebrating and you - well, you are on the outside looking in.
So whatever your particular brand of sadness, pain or feelings of exclusion - know that everyone else goes through something similar at some point. We're ALL "others". Isn't there something powerful in knowing you aren't alone?
I wish a Happy Other's Day to all of you.
I'd rather think it was on purpose. And that the sermon was about all the people who feel marginalized at one time or another during the year. The heartbroken on Valentine's Day, the grieving at Christmastime, and of course, the ones like me who long for children of their own on Mother's and Father's Day. We all feel left out every now and then. It can feel like the whole world is celebrating and you - well, you are on the outside looking in.
So whatever your particular brand of sadness, pain or feelings of exclusion - know that everyone else goes through something similar at some point. We're ALL "others". Isn't there something powerful in knowing you aren't alone?
I wish a Happy Other's Day to all of you.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Still Here, Still Confused
So being in the here and now apparently doesn't leave time for blogging. ;-)
Sorry I've been MIA. Work has turned crazy and when I'm home, I really just want to hang out with Michael. We've been having some really good times and some really tough times. Both of which require my full attention.
This week, we went to see a therapist to talk about future possibilities (i.e. adoption). It went really well. Michael has never been to a therapist before, so I don't think he knew what to expect. She gave us some good things to think about - including postponing any sort of decision-making until the Fall. I wanted us to go see her together because while I honestly don't know what I want to do (adopt or live childless), I'm leaning towards adoption and Michael is leaning towards remaining a family of 2. I didn't want us to get to a point where it became one of us winning and one losing. And in order for us to figure out what we should do, we actually have to learn more about adoption. Being the nerd that I am, I NEED to research. And if I was researching all by myself and making up my own mind about adoption, that really wouldn't be helpful because this isn't a me thing, it's an us thing. The therapist also suggested taking opposite sides as we learned. So for me it would be making a list of the cons to adoption and for Michael it would be focusing on the pros. I haven't had time to look into anything like an information session yet, but that will be soon.
It's weird. When we were still in the midst of IVF, I really wanted to start looking into adoption. I was jealous of people who were adopting. Now that it's our only way to have a family, I'm not as fired up. I'm actually scared. I think this is a whole other post, but it seemed appropriate to mention now.
Some friends of ours invited Michael and I to the beach with them for Memorial Day weekend. It really couldn't have come at a better time. We need a vacation like crazy! We haven't been on a vacation that didn't involve our families since our honeymoon in 2003. That is just wrong. We love our families and all, but all this trying to have a baby crap just got in the way of us taking the time to go anywhere. It was either that or he didn't have enough leave, we didn't have enough cashflow, blah blah blah. No more excuses - beach, here we come!
Sorry I've been MIA. Work has turned crazy and when I'm home, I really just want to hang out with Michael. We've been having some really good times and some really tough times. Both of which require my full attention.
This week, we went to see a therapist to talk about future possibilities (i.e. adoption). It went really well. Michael has never been to a therapist before, so I don't think he knew what to expect. She gave us some good things to think about - including postponing any sort of decision-making until the Fall. I wanted us to go see her together because while I honestly don't know what I want to do (adopt or live childless), I'm leaning towards adoption and Michael is leaning towards remaining a family of 2. I didn't want us to get to a point where it became one of us winning and one losing. And in order for us to figure out what we should do, we actually have to learn more about adoption. Being the nerd that I am, I NEED to research. And if I was researching all by myself and making up my own mind about adoption, that really wouldn't be helpful because this isn't a me thing, it's an us thing. The therapist also suggested taking opposite sides as we learned. So for me it would be making a list of the cons to adoption and for Michael it would be focusing on the pros. I haven't had time to look into anything like an information session yet, but that will be soon.
It's weird. When we were still in the midst of IVF, I really wanted to start looking into adoption. I was jealous of people who were adopting. Now that it's our only way to have a family, I'm not as fired up. I'm actually scared. I think this is a whole other post, but it seemed appropriate to mention now.
Some friends of ours invited Michael and I to the beach with them for Memorial Day weekend. It really couldn't have come at a better time. We need a vacation like crazy! We haven't been on a vacation that didn't involve our families since our honeymoon in 2003. That is just wrong. We love our families and all, but all this trying to have a baby crap just got in the way of us taking the time to go anywhere. It was either that or he didn't have enough leave, we didn't have enough cashflow, blah blah blah. No more excuses - beach, here we come!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Identity
Still haven't come up with a new name for this blog. Something will come to me eventually. (I hope!)
I'm beginning to feel human again. I'm remembering what makes me "me" is not infertility. It sounds rather dramatic, but in a way I really think I'm rediscovering my life.
Tonight, I'm facilitating the first of a series of 8 sessions for survivors of domestic violence. I've never done it before, and I'm kind of nervous - but in a good way. I guess I'm more excited than nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.
This weekend, I did lots of stuff for me. I went shopping. I went running. I went back to kickboxing. I went walking in the sunshine with my step-mom. I drank wine. Michael and I cooked great meals. We helped my friend Tina with the first planting of her vineyard. (Okay, I guess that was really for her, but it was fun, so I'm counting it.)
It's not that I wasn't doing things for myself before, but that cloud of "what if I'm pregnant?" always seemed to be hanging over me. In an odd sense, a weight has been lifted. Odd, right? I can't quite explain it.
I did want to respond to a few of your comments. I still plan to keep up with my on-line friends through their blogs & facebook. Because, even if I'm not still trying to have a baby, you are still my friends. (I'm not that big of a jerk!) It's just that mentally, I can't keep checking a site dedicated to trying to conceive & parenting. So yes, comment away here and I'll be doing the same on your blogs. (I do miss you all!)
So - a couple of funny stories from the weekend. Well, really they are from the vine planting. First of all, if you are interested in following the beginnings of a vineyard, check out Magnolia Vineyards - there's a link to their blog there too. My friends Tina & Glenn had people come out to help them for the first planting of 1850 vines. It was a perfect weekend for it and there were probably about 8-10 of us helping on Sunday. A couple of people brought their kids - who reminded us all of joys of digging in the dirt. "Look! I found a worm! No - TWO worms!!!!" Anyway, the little girl (probably 3-4) who was there was eyeing me curiously for awhile. Here's how the conversation finally went:
Little Girl: "Are you Caitlin's mom?"
Me: "Nope" (Mind you, there are no other little girls there...)
Her: "Are you SURE?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Her: "Well then, who ARE you?"
Me (in my head): "That is a really good question and I am very thankful you didn't ask whose mother I am..."
Me (out loud): "I'm Tina's friend."
Her: "Who's TINA?"
Me: Pointing to Tina, "she's the one we're helping with all this planting."
Her: (clearly unsatisfied) "You look just like Caitlin's mom. Are you SURE you aren't Caitlin's mom?"
Cracked me up. Caitlin is a girl at her pre-school. How I'd love to see what Caitlin's mom actually looks like. Because I'm not sure this little girl actually believed me that I wasn't her.
The other story from the day was my ineptitude at sunscreen application. I neglected to realize that when kneeling and bending over holes in the ground, my jeans were lower than usual. Yes, I have a tramp stamp of sunburn across my lower back. Michael wanted to get a Sharpie and make it into an eagle to post a picture here. Ummm...yeah. That's why he doesn't have access to post on my blog. No one needs to see a picture that close to my crack!
So those are my stories for now. I'm still working on being in the here and now and not off planning the future, whatever that may hold.
I'm beginning to feel human again. I'm remembering what makes me "me" is not infertility. It sounds rather dramatic, but in a way I really think I'm rediscovering my life.
Tonight, I'm facilitating the first of a series of 8 sessions for survivors of domestic violence. I've never done it before, and I'm kind of nervous - but in a good way. I guess I'm more excited than nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.
This weekend, I did lots of stuff for me. I went shopping. I went running. I went back to kickboxing. I went walking in the sunshine with my step-mom. I drank wine. Michael and I cooked great meals. We helped my friend Tina with the first planting of her vineyard. (Okay, I guess that was really for her, but it was fun, so I'm counting it.)
It's not that I wasn't doing things for myself before, but that cloud of "what if I'm pregnant?" always seemed to be hanging over me. In an odd sense, a weight has been lifted. Odd, right? I can't quite explain it.
I did want to respond to a few of your comments. I still plan to keep up with my on-line friends through their blogs & facebook. Because, even if I'm not still trying to have a baby, you are still my friends. (I'm not that big of a jerk!) It's just that mentally, I can't keep checking a site dedicated to trying to conceive & parenting. So yes, comment away here and I'll be doing the same on your blogs. (I do miss you all!)
So - a couple of funny stories from the weekend. Well, really they are from the vine planting. First of all, if you are interested in following the beginnings of a vineyard, check out Magnolia Vineyards - there's a link to their blog there too. My friends Tina & Glenn had people come out to help them for the first planting of 1850 vines. It was a perfect weekend for it and there were probably about 8-10 of us helping on Sunday. A couple of people brought their kids - who reminded us all of joys of digging in the dirt. "Look! I found a worm! No - TWO worms!!!!" Anyway, the little girl (probably 3-4) who was there was eyeing me curiously for awhile. Here's how the conversation finally went:
Little Girl: "Are you Caitlin's mom?"
Me: "Nope" (Mind you, there are no other little girls there...)
Her: "Are you SURE?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Her: "Well then, who ARE you?"
Me (in my head): "That is a really good question and I am very thankful you didn't ask whose mother I am..."
Me (out loud): "I'm Tina's friend."
Her: "Who's TINA?"
Me: Pointing to Tina, "she's the one we're helping with all this planting."
Her: (clearly unsatisfied) "You look just like Caitlin's mom. Are you SURE you aren't Caitlin's mom?"
Cracked me up. Caitlin is a girl at her pre-school. How I'd love to see what Caitlin's mom actually looks like. Because I'm not sure this little girl actually believed me that I wasn't her.
The other story from the day was my ineptitude at sunscreen application. I neglected to realize that when kneeling and bending over holes in the ground, my jeans were lower than usual. Yes, I have a tramp stamp of sunburn across my lower back. Michael wanted to get a Sharpie and make it into an eagle to post a picture here. Ummm...yeah. That's why he doesn't have access to post on my blog. No one needs to see a picture that close to my crack!
So those are my stories for now. I'm still working on being in the here and now and not off planning the future, whatever that may hold.
Friday, April 10, 2009
What Now?
That is the question that haunts me daily.
I've spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get pregnant. What now?
The answer is "I don't know". And I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don't HAVE to know. I'm resisting the urge to start planning for whatever might be next and to just BE for awhile.
Every now and then, I remember that this whole fertility quest is over. And that Michael and I will never have a biological child. Ever. And it knocks the wind out of me. I think, "Really??" I can't quite seem to accept it yet.
I've only really done one thing to signify this new status. I recently signed off of the infertility message board where I have been a regular now for several years. That was hard for me, and it was really another loss. I felt like I was breaking up with good friends. It's not the people I want to leave, it's the constant thinking about having a baby. And checking a message board devoted to conception & parenting was just too hard for me. So I had to remove myself from the support system I had leaned on for so long. As much as I want to support them and be there for them for their journeys, I just can't. I can't constantly read about their upcoming IVF cycles or positive pregnancy tests when I know now that I can never join them. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person, but not right now.
Now what to do with this blog. It's clearly not going to be a "follicle report" anymore. But I'm not ready to shut it down. I still feel that it is therapeutic for me. So - good news (ha!) - you still get to read my ramblings! ;-) I might make some changes at some point, but for now - I'll leave it pretty much as-is.
You know, since I have no idea what's next.
I've spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get pregnant. What now?
The answer is "I don't know". And I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don't HAVE to know. I'm resisting the urge to start planning for whatever might be next and to just BE for awhile.
Every now and then, I remember that this whole fertility quest is over. And that Michael and I will never have a biological child. Ever. And it knocks the wind out of me. I think, "Really??" I can't quite seem to accept it yet.
I've only really done one thing to signify this new status. I recently signed off of the infertility message board where I have been a regular now for several years. That was hard for me, and it was really another loss. I felt like I was breaking up with good friends. It's not the people I want to leave, it's the constant thinking about having a baby. And checking a message board devoted to conception & parenting was just too hard for me. So I had to remove myself from the support system I had leaned on for so long. As much as I want to support them and be there for them for their journeys, I just can't. I can't constantly read about their upcoming IVF cycles or positive pregnancy tests when I know now that I can never join them. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person, but not right now.
Now what to do with this blog. It's clearly not going to be a "follicle report" anymore. But I'm not ready to shut it down. I still feel that it is therapeutic for me. So - good news (ha!) - you still get to read my ramblings! ;-) I might make some changes at some point, but for now - I'll leave it pretty much as-is.
You know, since I have no idea what's next.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I Lied.
I told you all that I hadn't let myself think about having a positive outcome from this IVF.
I lied to you. I had.
It was so subtle, so unconscious, that I guess I didn't even realize I was doing it. (I know this stuff doesn't sound unconscious, but I guess this is me not thinking about something. If I were truly thinking about it, I'd probably have nursery furniture picked out.)
I thought about names, filing away mental notes whenever I heard someone call out to a child in public - Darcy, Carter, Lucy...
I weighed myself for the first time during this IVF cycle right before my beta. You know, so I would know my pre-pregnancy weight.
I thought about what sort of bathing suit I'd need to wear at the beach since I'd be 4 or 5 months pregnant.
I thought about being in my brother's wedding in September with a big ol' happy belly.
I wondered where I would go to pump at work since I work in a cubicle.
I wondered if my sister still had any maternity stuff she'd let me borrow since I'd be roughly a year behind her.
I thought about Harper having a cousin just under a year younger than her and hoped they would be as close as my sister and I are.
I thought about what I'd post here - how I'd post the news of a BFP. Because I know so many of you who read are still striving for it and the last thing I ever want to do is to hurt anyone.
But I didn't need to worry about any of that.
I guess I just never believed that I wouldn't be able to have a baby - somehow, some way. Since this was our last shot, it HAD to work. Apparently, not. I'm kind of laughing at myself because I'm remembering one of our roommates from college, Becky. She got married right after we graduated and had the reception in her parents backyard. Her dad built a beautiful deck specifically for the occasion and the weather was gorgeous. I remember asking her what she would have done if it had rained and she just smiled and said, "It wasn't going to rain. It was my wedding day." At the time, I envied her for her faith. Now I realize that I must have had it too. The only difference was the outcome. Just because you have faith doesn't mean you get what you want.
Yesterday, I kept waiting for the nurse to call me back and tell me that she had mixed up the results. That I really was pregnant, after all.
Then, I woke up at 3 AM with a start and a thought that yesterday had just been a bad dream. I wish that's what it had been. I tossed and turned the remainder of the night. The thought of getting up and going to work like everything was normal finally made me hysterical. I just couldn't bear it. Let me tell you - I'm a vision of loveliness today.
And today, for some reason, nearly EVERY freaking store or website that I get an e-mail from chose to focus on Mother's Day. (Shouldn't we still be focusing on Easter & Passover right now?) Mother's Day cards, Mother's Day flowers, Mother's Day jewelry, Mother's day crafts. I got a survey for new moms. I even got something from Fairfax County about their new website for expectant mothers. Well thank you. Excellent timing.
But amongst all those annoying "you will never be a mother" reminders flashing neon in my face, I also had some wonderful, kind, thoughtful words from friends. I know half of them don't read this blog, but they all mean so much. And while they do make me cry initially, they also help me to feel loved and comforted and cared for. Truly. I know that there is nothing to say in this situation. I know you all want to help, but don't know how. I don't know how either. Just know that your kind words do help. So thank you.
I know I'll find a way to be okay. It will take time. It's only been a day and I'm already so over being sad. But I can't help it, so I'm just trying to go with the flow. If I've learned anything at all through all of this crap, it's that. Go with the flow.
I lied to you. I had.
It was so subtle, so unconscious, that I guess I didn't even realize I was doing it. (I know this stuff doesn't sound unconscious, but I guess this is me not thinking about something. If I were truly thinking about it, I'd probably have nursery furniture picked out.)
I thought about names, filing away mental notes whenever I heard someone call out to a child in public - Darcy, Carter, Lucy...
I weighed myself for the first time during this IVF cycle right before my beta. You know, so I would know my pre-pregnancy weight.
I thought about what sort of bathing suit I'd need to wear at the beach since I'd be 4 or 5 months pregnant.
I thought about being in my brother's wedding in September with a big ol' happy belly.
I wondered where I would go to pump at work since I work in a cubicle.
I wondered if my sister still had any maternity stuff she'd let me borrow since I'd be roughly a year behind her.
I thought about Harper having a cousin just under a year younger than her and hoped they would be as close as my sister and I are.
I thought about what I'd post here - how I'd post the news of a BFP. Because I know so many of you who read are still striving for it and the last thing I ever want to do is to hurt anyone.
But I didn't need to worry about any of that.
I guess I just never believed that I wouldn't be able to have a baby - somehow, some way. Since this was our last shot, it HAD to work. Apparently, not. I'm kind of laughing at myself because I'm remembering one of our roommates from college, Becky. She got married right after we graduated and had the reception in her parents backyard. Her dad built a beautiful deck specifically for the occasion and the weather was gorgeous. I remember asking her what she would have done if it had rained and she just smiled and said, "It wasn't going to rain. It was my wedding day." At the time, I envied her for her faith. Now I realize that I must have had it too. The only difference was the outcome. Just because you have faith doesn't mean you get what you want.
Yesterday, I kept waiting for the nurse to call me back and tell me that she had mixed up the results. That I really was pregnant, after all.
Then, I woke up at 3 AM with a start and a thought that yesterday had just been a bad dream. I wish that's what it had been. I tossed and turned the remainder of the night. The thought of getting up and going to work like everything was normal finally made me hysterical. I just couldn't bear it. Let me tell you - I'm a vision of loveliness today.
And today, for some reason, nearly EVERY freaking store or website that I get an e-mail from chose to focus on Mother's Day. (Shouldn't we still be focusing on Easter & Passover right now?) Mother's Day cards, Mother's Day flowers, Mother's Day jewelry, Mother's day crafts. I got a survey for new moms. I even got something from Fairfax County about their new website for expectant mothers. Well thank you. Excellent timing.
But amongst all those annoying "you will never be a mother" reminders flashing neon in my face, I also had some wonderful, kind, thoughtful words from friends. I know half of them don't read this blog, but they all mean so much. And while they do make me cry initially, they also help me to feel loved and comforted and cared for. Truly. I know that there is nothing to say in this situation. I know you all want to help, but don't know how. I don't know how either. Just know that your kind words do help. So thank you.
I know I'll find a way to be okay. It will take time. It's only been a day and I'm already so over being sad. But I can't help it, so I'm just trying to go with the flow. If I've learned anything at all through all of this crap, it's that. Go with the flow.
Monday, April 6, 2009
April Fools
I feel like I was foolish to have hope in the first place, but what else was I supposed to do? My body played a cruel, cruel joke on me. "You're spotting, it's over. No you aren't! There's hope! Diarrhea? You've never had that before in a cycle - maybe it's a sign..."
BFN
Everything felt different this cycle. I let myself be hopeful. The good news? It is the last time I will ever have to endure that. But it's tough for me to see the sunny side in anything right now. I keep thinking of all the things we will never get to experience. Michael offered to rub my feet which started the water works all over again because all I could think about was how we'd never look at our baby's feet to debate whose toes he or she got.
There is no baby. There never will be.
How can a broken heart just continue to break?
BFN
Everything felt different this cycle. I let myself be hopeful. The good news? It is the last time I will ever have to endure that. But it's tough for me to see the sunny side in anything right now. I keep thinking of all the things we will never get to experience. Michael offered to rub my feet which started the water works all over again because all I could think about was how we'd never look at our baby's feet to debate whose toes he or she got.
There is no baby. There never will be.
How can a broken heart just continue to break?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Tomorrow
Things change tomorrow. For good. One way or another.
One way, I will be able to move on from this motherhood quest. I will be able to re-focus on my life, on my husband. I will never again wonder - did it work this time? Is that a pregnancy symptom? I will never again have to be a human pin cushion. I can return to running. I can weight train. We can plan a vacation without worrying about whether or not it's in the middle of a fertility treatment or near my potential due date. In short, I can (try to) move on with my life. I will have to redefine what I think that life will look like, but I haven't been able to do that while we've been in the throes of infertility.
The other way is of course, the desired outcome. But it will still change my life. Duh. I still haven't really let myself think about it...
Either way, I will finally know the answer to the question that has been plaguing me for years. I will have closure on this roller coaster of infertility. The ride will be over. And I'm actually thankful for that.
Either way, I'm thankful.
(Remind me of that tomorrow...)
One way, I will be able to move on from this motherhood quest. I will be able to re-focus on my life, on my husband. I will never again wonder - did it work this time? Is that a pregnancy symptom? I will never again have to be a human pin cushion. I can return to running. I can weight train. We can plan a vacation without worrying about whether or not it's in the middle of a fertility treatment or near my potential due date. In short, I can (try to) move on with my life. I will have to redefine what I think that life will look like, but I haven't been able to do that while we've been in the throes of infertility.
The other way is of course, the desired outcome. But it will still change my life. Duh. I still haven't really let myself think about it...
Either way, I will finally know the answer to the question that has been plaguing me for years. I will have closure on this roller coaster of infertility. The ride will be over. And I'm actually thankful for that.
Either way, I'm thankful.
(Remind me of that tomorrow...)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Jinxes
Normally, I'm not a very superstitious person. However, I have been scared to post. I didn't want to jinx things.
I've been spotting since Tuesday. I've been fully expecting my all-out period every minute of the past 4 days. I've been scared to actually type out the words that it hasn't come yet because I just KNOW that as soon as I write that, BLAM.
I traded voice mails with my nurse this morning. Since I started spotting, my mother has been on me to lay down. I've kind of been in the "what will happen will happen" camp, since I've spotted before and they've never told me to stay off my feet. Last night, Michael suggested I call my nurse and just ask her about it, so I did. To my surprise, she said "it can't hurt" and reminded me that spotting is normal with the progesterone suppositories.
So, now I'm back at home on the couch. Because if you tell me something may have the teensiest impact on whether this thing sticks or not, you can bet your ass I'm going to do it.
But part of me still feels like I'm delaying the inevitable. I do have some hope - and will continue to until one of 2 things happens - (1) I get my period or (2) I get the call from the nurse after my beta that starts with "unfortunately...". Until then, I'm trying to hold out hope.
When I started spotting, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to even THINK about the outcome of this IVF. It got me a little panicky because I don't feel prepared for either outcome. But are you ever really "prepared" for something so emotional - either way? So, I think this is progress for me. NOT thinking about the outcome.
Although, as I write this, I'm fearing I've jinxed it already... Let's hope not.
I've been spotting since Tuesday. I've been fully expecting my all-out period every minute of the past 4 days. I've been scared to actually type out the words that it hasn't come yet because I just KNOW that as soon as I write that, BLAM.
I traded voice mails with my nurse this morning. Since I started spotting, my mother has been on me to lay down. I've kind of been in the "what will happen will happen" camp, since I've spotted before and they've never told me to stay off my feet. Last night, Michael suggested I call my nurse and just ask her about it, so I did. To my surprise, she said "it can't hurt" and reminded me that spotting is normal with the progesterone suppositories.
So, now I'm back at home on the couch. Because if you tell me something may have the teensiest impact on whether this thing sticks or not, you can bet your ass I'm going to do it.
But part of me still feels like I'm delaying the inevitable. I do have some hope - and will continue to until one of 2 things happens - (1) I get my period or (2) I get the call from the nurse after my beta that starts with "unfortunately...". Until then, I'm trying to hold out hope.
When I started spotting, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to even THINK about the outcome of this IVF. It got me a little panicky because I don't feel prepared for either outcome. But are you ever really "prepared" for something so emotional - either way? So, I think this is progress for me. NOT thinking about the outcome.
Although, as I write this, I'm fearing I've jinxed it already... Let's hope not.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Trying to Remain Hopeful
Cramps and spotting.
Not good signs.
Especially since I would normally be starting my period tomorrow.
I guess we just wait and see...
Not good signs.
Especially since I would normally be starting my period tomorrow.
I guess we just wait and see...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Relief
The transfer went well. We kept looking at each other saying things like, "surely they wouldn't have brought us back here if it was bad news...". It turned out to be good news. Dare I say great news? I'm scared to use a word as positive as that because statistics are still against us.
Our embryo had divided into 6 cells with minimal fragmentation. It was a Grade 1 embryo - which is the best you can have. Plus, I don't think we've had one that good before. The doctor said that when they checked it first thing this morning, it was only 5 cells - so it even grew in the few hours between that check and the transfer.
So I feel relief and hope. Hope that things turn out differently this time. Thank you all for all of your thoughts and prayers - they've definitely carried us through a lot of this. Keep them coming!
Our embryo had divided into 6 cells with minimal fragmentation. It was a Grade 1 embryo - which is the best you can have. Plus, I don't think we've had one that good before. The doctor said that when they checked it first thing this morning, it was only 5 cells - so it even grew in the few hours between that check and the transfer.
So I feel relief and hope. Hope that things turn out differently this time. Thank you all for all of your thoughts and prayers - they've definitely carried us through a lot of this. Keep them coming!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sweet
My doctor called me to check on me today. From his vacation.
He even said the right things. He started out by saying that one embryo was certainly disappointing. It was just nice to have him recognize that. He also said that it looked good now and that we'd have to wait and see tomorrow. Definitely an egg quality issue. Which makes me regret waiting so long to do this last IVF, but what's done is done. Right now, I can't second guess anything, just hope for the best.
So anyway, I just thought it was incredibly nice of him to personally call me. Our 3-celled embryo had about 10% fragmentation which is an acceptable amount, and they hope to see them between 2-4 cells at this point - so we're on track. Tomorrow should give us a better idea. More then...
He even said the right things. He started out by saying that one embryo was certainly disappointing. It was just nice to have him recognize that. He also said that it looked good now and that we'd have to wait and see tomorrow. Definitely an egg quality issue. Which makes me regret waiting so long to do this last IVF, but what's done is done. Right now, I can't second guess anything, just hope for the best.
So anyway, I just thought it was incredibly nice of him to personally call me. Our 3-celled embryo had about 10% fragmentation which is an acceptable amount, and they hope to see them between 2-4 cells at this point - so we're on track. Tomorrow should give us a better idea. More then...
Still Kickin'
I hadn't realized that I had been holding my breath until after the nurse called.
Our little one is growing. It was 3-celled as of 7:30 this morning, which is about where they have been at this point in previous IVFs.
So, transfer is tomorrow. Provided of course, that our little fighter keeps up the good work. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers - please keep them coming!
I'll post again tomorrow with an update.
Our little one is growing. It was 3-celled as of 7:30 this morning, which is about where they have been at this point in previous IVFs.
So, transfer is tomorrow. Provided of course, that our little fighter keeps up the good work. Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers - please keep them coming!
I'll post again tomorrow with an update.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
And Then There Was One...
Yep. One.
Which is better than none - and I know "it only takes one", but ONE of my eggs fertilized. One.
The nurse didn't even try my cell phone to break that news - she just left it on the home voice mail. She said, "we retrieved 3 eggs and all 3...were mature". I was really expecting her to say that all 3 had fertilized. "of those, 1 fertilized..." I saved the message because I didn't hear a whole lot after that.
This is just fertilization - that's the easy part. We haven't really had an issue with that before. Our issue is the embryos growing. And we only have one.
The finality of this IVF hit me with that phone call. This. Is. It. Wow. We've always had something else to try, a back-up plan, another angle. Not now. This one little embryo is our only hope. That fact makes our chances of ever having a child incredibly slim. But as long as there's a sliver of a chance, we have to continue to be hopeful.
So now we pray. We pray like crazy for this one little embryo that could.
Which is better than none - and I know "it only takes one", but ONE of my eggs fertilized. One.
The nurse didn't even try my cell phone to break that news - she just left it on the home voice mail. She said, "we retrieved 3 eggs and all 3...were mature". I was really expecting her to say that all 3 had fertilized. "of those, 1 fertilized..." I saved the message because I didn't hear a whole lot after that.
This is just fertilization - that's the easy part. We haven't really had an issue with that before. Our issue is the embryos growing. And we only have one.
The finality of this IVF hit me with that phone call. This. Is. It. Wow. We've always had something else to try, a back-up plan, another angle. Not now. This one little embryo is our only hope. That fact makes our chances of ever having a child incredibly slim. But as long as there's a sliver of a chance, we have to continue to be hopeful.
So now we pray. We pray like crazy for this one little embryo that could.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Faker
Looks like my 4-leaf clover was a little faker. They were only able to get 3 eggs this time. But, we keep saying that 3 is better than nothing.
And it is. But I was really hoping for more.
But - there isn't much we can do about it, so what's the use in being bummed? We know we did absolutely everything that we could have done. So, what will be, will be. (Easy for me to say right now...)
If we end up with some good embryos, transfer will be on Tuesday. Before the retrieval, the nurse tried to talk to me about a 5 or 6 day transfer possibility and I started laughing. She said, "you never know". Well, actually yes, I do know. Given my history and only having 6 follicles, I can make a pretty good guess. But thanks for the optimism. The doctor was a little better when reviewing cryopreservation with me. He knew the score.
It's funny how the mind works. I don't think we are particularly superstitious people. But Michael and I both separately noticed how everything was different this time - different nurses, different anesthesiologist, different doctor. We took all that as a good sign - since anything different from a failed IVF is good. We wouldn't even go to any of the places we've been to before for lunch because we didn't want to do ANYTHING the same given how the other cycles turned out. Crazy?Maybe a little. But why take any chances?
We're hoping that a 3-leaf clover is also lucky.
And it is. But I was really hoping for more.
But - there isn't much we can do about it, so what's the use in being bummed? We know we did absolutely everything that we could have done. So, what will be, will be. (Easy for me to say right now...)
If we end up with some good embryos, transfer will be on Tuesday. Before the retrieval, the nurse tried to talk to me about a 5 or 6 day transfer possibility and I started laughing. She said, "you never know". Well, actually yes, I do know. Given my history and only having 6 follicles, I can make a pretty good guess. But thanks for the optimism. The doctor was a little better when reviewing cryopreservation with me. He knew the score.
It's funny how the mind works. I don't think we are particularly superstitious people. But Michael and I both separately noticed how everything was different this time - different nurses, different anesthesiologist, different doctor. We took all that as a good sign - since anything different from a failed IVF is good. We wouldn't even go to any of the places we've been to before for lunch because we didn't want to do ANYTHING the same given how the other cycles turned out. Crazy?Maybe a little. But why take any chances?
We're hoping that a 3-leaf clover is also lucky.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
4-Leaf Clover
Sorry for the delay in posting. We keep getting e-mails at work reminding us of the policy of no accessing blog sites from work sites / equipment. Of course, my guilty conscience sees these messages aimed directly at me. (You never know about big brother, man.) And I usually try to stay off the computer when I get home to spend some time with Michael. So - that's my excuse.
During yesterday's wanding, the doctor said, "Oh! You look so pretty!" while referring to my right ovary. Okay...not something you hear every day. In addition to yesterday, I had another follie check today. I have 4 follicles between 17-19 on the right and 2 more from 14-16 on the left. My usual doctor was there, along with my favorite nurse. She got all excited and printed a picture off of the ultrasound machine. Apparently, the 4 follicles on my right ovary resembled a 4-leaf clover. To her. I'll let you judge for yourself.
Either way, we'll take all the luck we can get!
The doctor wanted to push me for another day, given my history of immature eggs. However, once my bloodwork came back, that plan changed. Apparently, while my estrogen was still rising, it wasn't rising by as much as expected. So, change of plans - Michael is giving me the trigger shot tonight, in addition to my usual 3 shots in hopes that the additional dose of stims will help those eggs get ready for retrieval on Saturday (instead of Sunday).
We've already had some good luck this week. Michael got a job! We are super excited and relieved. It just takes a huge weight off of both of us. Here's hoping that nurse is right and my 4-leaf clover ovary brings more good luck to our house!
During yesterday's wanding, the doctor said, "Oh! You look so pretty!" while referring to my right ovary. Okay...not something you hear every day. In addition to yesterday, I had another follie check today. I have 4 follicles between 17-19 on the right and 2 more from 14-16 on the left. My usual doctor was there, along with my favorite nurse. She got all excited and printed a picture off of the ultrasound machine. Apparently, the 4 follicles on my right ovary resembled a 4-leaf clover. To her. I'll let you judge for yourself.
Either way, we'll take all the luck we can get!
The doctor wanted to push me for another day, given my history of immature eggs. However, once my bloodwork came back, that plan changed. Apparently, while my estrogen was still rising, it wasn't rising by as much as expected. So, change of plans - Michael is giving me the trigger shot tonight, in addition to my usual 3 shots in hopes that the additional dose of stims will help those eggs get ready for retrieval on Saturday (instead of Sunday).
We've already had some good luck this week. Michael got a job! We are super excited and relieved. It just takes a huge weight off of both of us. Here's hoping that nurse is right and my 4-leaf clover ovary brings more good luck to our house!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Progress
While I was hoping for 9 follicles to still be growing, I'll settle for today's report. After all, it's a heck of a lot better than last cycle! I had 4 follicles on the right and 2 on the left that were all about the same size with 2 smaller ones also on the left. My doctor seemed VERY happy with that, and said I'll probably start the Ganirelix tonight in addition to my other shots.
Speaking of shots, I forgot to share a little story. Yesterday, I ran the St. Patty's Day 8K. It started at 9 AM and I had to get down there to get my packet, yadda yadda. So - I couldn't do my shot at the usual time. My half-asleep brain thought it would be a great idea to just bring the shot with me and do it in my car. So there I am, once I finally found a parking place, on a very busy street with lots of runners walking by my car as I tried to scooch down in my seat and stab myself in the stomach. I think I got away undetected, but I really did feel like a little deviant. Too bad Gonal-F isn't a performance enhancing drug. ;-)
Next follicle report should be Wednesday!
Speaking of shots, I forgot to share a little story. Yesterday, I ran the St. Patty's Day 8K. It started at 9 AM and I had to get down there to get my packet, yadda yadda. So - I couldn't do my shot at the usual time. My half-asleep brain thought it would be a great idea to just bring the shot with me and do it in my car. So there I am, once I finally found a parking place, on a very busy street with lots of runners walking by my car as I tried to scooch down in my seat and stab myself in the stomach. I think I got away undetected, but I really did feel like a little deviant. Too bad Gonal-F isn't a performance enhancing drug. ;-)
Next follicle report should be Wednesday!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Introducing...
Harper Allison Rath (my niece)
Born 3/12/09 at 11:33 AM
7 lbs, 4 oz
20 1/2 inches long
Okay - so I know I'm biased and all, but isn't she the most perfect little thing you have ever seen?! I am just in awe of her.
Everything went well. Michael and I got to the hospital right as Ashley was calling to see if I wanted to come up to say hi before the real action started (and to bring her husband some coffee). About a minute later, she called back and said - forget the coffee, just get here! She was progressing rapidly and the nurse had just told her she was going to have to start pushing. So when I raced into the room, we both just started crying. I was (and still am) just so proud of her. My baby sister!
Anyway, once it started, Harper made her arrival very quickly. Once everyone was cleaned up, we all got to go in and meet her for the first time (and find out her name!). When my sister said her middle name, I thought the wind had been knocked out of me. I am so honored and flattered and humbled. I have a lot to live up to now.
As you can imagine, it was an emotional day. But largely, and rather surprisingly since I tend to be a bit of a narcissist, I was not thinking about myself and our "situation". (Well, other than the name thing. Part of the reason it meant so much to me was that I couldn't help but think - even if I can't have my own kids...) But mostly, I was just so amazed at little Harper, and so impressed with my sister and her husband. Honestly, I was in love. Instantly.
Adding to the emotion are these damn hormones, of course. Which brings us to the follicle report for the day. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound on Saturday and things are still looking good - 5 follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Now if all 9 will only continue growing at the same rate! I go back tomorrow. More news then...
Born 3/12/09 at 11:33 AM
7 lbs, 4 oz
20 1/2 inches long
Okay - so I know I'm biased and all, but isn't she the most perfect little thing you have ever seen?! I am just in awe of her.
Everything went well. Michael and I got to the hospital right as Ashley was calling to see if I wanted to come up to say hi before the real action started (and to bring her husband some coffee). About a minute later, she called back and said - forget the coffee, just get here! She was progressing rapidly and the nurse had just told her she was going to have to start pushing. So when I raced into the room, we both just started crying. I was (and still am) just so proud of her. My baby sister!
Anyway, once it started, Harper made her arrival very quickly. Once everyone was cleaned up, we all got to go in and meet her for the first time (and find out her name!). When my sister said her middle name, I thought the wind had been knocked out of me. I am so honored and flattered and humbled. I have a lot to live up to now.
As you can imagine, it was an emotional day. But largely, and rather surprisingly since I tend to be a bit of a narcissist, I was not thinking about myself and our "situation". (Well, other than the name thing. Part of the reason it meant so much to me was that I couldn't help but think - even if I can't have my own kids...) But mostly, I was just so amazed at little Harper, and so impressed with my sister and her husband. Honestly, I was in love. Instantly.
Adding to the emotion are these damn hormones, of course. Which brings us to the follicle report for the day. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound on Saturday and things are still looking good - 5 follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Now if all 9 will only continue growing at the same rate! I go back tomorrow. More news then...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Random (again)
I don't even know how to start this post. I have so many things swirling around in my head, so this might be a little disjointed. (What else is new, right?!) This is what happens when I don't post often enough.
First, a few random stories...
Last week, I ran into a woman who used to work in a cubicle near me. She had just had her first baby back when we started trying and I remember thinking, "oh good, I'll have someone at work to talk to about pregnancy, etc.". She moved to a different office and I rarely saw her. At some point, I remember hearing she had her second. You know how time passes, but you somehow expect everyone to stay the same? I ran into her in the garage at work last week with her kids. I stopped short and caught my breath. Her children aren't even BABIES anymore. One is entering kindergarten and the other is a toddler. It just hit me how much time has passed since we first started trying. You'd think I'd know that and be used to getting lapped - but somehow a living, breathing GROWING human child makes it all too real. Kindergarten? Really? Wow.
Then, I was talking to a woman at the gym. We've talked before; I've told her about IF. We were talking about my sister having her baby any day now. Then she said the thing that absolutely pierced my heart. "A grandchild is the absolute best gift you could ever give your parents." O.U.C.H. As much as I want children for myself, the thought of disappointing our parents cuts me to the quick. (Logically, I know our parents aren't "disappointed" in us because of IF, and that they want nothing more than for us to be happy. My brain knows these things, but somehow, my heart doesn't quite trust it.) I was hurt and upset at first, but then I realized 2 things - (1) her comment was more about her (she has 2 girls in their mid-20's and I know she's hoping for grandkids) and (2) I WILL get to see my parents as grandparents. This week, in fact! It doesn't really matter who has the grandkids - I still get to be a part of it and see them in that different role. And that's oddly comforting.
****************************
As I mentioned, my sister is due this week. Since I'm not sure how much (or not) she wants me to post about that here, I'll be brief. I know Ashley was hoping she'd deliver early, but it looks like that baby is hanging in there as long as possible. I couldn't be more excited to meet my niece! Seriously, it's like I'm boiling over with anticipation. Somehow, my sister having a baby doesn't hurt nearly as badly as you'd expect (or as I thought it might). Whereas other people are just having babies, my sister is having my niece. And that makes it different. I'm a part of it. Sounds nutty, I know, but somehow it changes things.
****************************
Anyway, since this blog IS called The Follicle Report, I guess I should update on my first appointment after finishing up the birth control pills (which I'm totally blaming for this annoying 5 lbs I seemed to have inexplicably picked up). I had an ultrasound & bloodwork on Sunday. Everything looked good (including some antral follicles waiting in the wings), so I'll start stims on Wednesday and go back for more monitoring on Saturday, 3/14 to see how we're doing. Let's hope we're doing well!
First, a few random stories...
Last week, I ran into a woman who used to work in a cubicle near me. She had just had her first baby back when we started trying and I remember thinking, "oh good, I'll have someone at work to talk to about pregnancy, etc.". She moved to a different office and I rarely saw her. At some point, I remember hearing she had her second. You know how time passes, but you somehow expect everyone to stay the same? I ran into her in the garage at work last week with her kids. I stopped short and caught my breath. Her children aren't even BABIES anymore. One is entering kindergarten and the other is a toddler. It just hit me how much time has passed since we first started trying. You'd think I'd know that and be used to getting lapped - but somehow a living, breathing GROWING human child makes it all too real. Kindergarten? Really? Wow.
Then, I was talking to a woman at the gym. We've talked before; I've told her about IF. We were talking about my sister having her baby any day now. Then she said the thing that absolutely pierced my heart. "A grandchild is the absolute best gift you could ever give your parents." O.U.C.H. As much as I want children for myself, the thought of disappointing our parents cuts me to the quick. (Logically, I know our parents aren't "disappointed" in us because of IF, and that they want nothing more than for us to be happy. My brain knows these things, but somehow, my heart doesn't quite trust it.) I was hurt and upset at first, but then I realized 2 things - (1) her comment was more about her (she has 2 girls in their mid-20's and I know she's hoping for grandkids) and (2) I WILL get to see my parents as grandparents. This week, in fact! It doesn't really matter who has the grandkids - I still get to be a part of it and see them in that different role. And that's oddly comforting.
****************************
As I mentioned, my sister is due this week. Since I'm not sure how much (or not) she wants me to post about that here, I'll be brief. I know Ashley was hoping she'd deliver early, but it looks like that baby is hanging in there as long as possible. I couldn't be more excited to meet my niece! Seriously, it's like I'm boiling over with anticipation. Somehow, my sister having a baby doesn't hurt nearly as badly as you'd expect (or as I thought it might). Whereas other people are just having babies, my sister is having my niece. And that makes it different. I'm a part of it. Sounds nutty, I know, but somehow it changes things.
****************************
Anyway, since this blog IS called The Follicle Report, I guess I should update on my first appointment after finishing up the birth control pills (which I'm totally blaming for this annoying 5 lbs I seemed to have inexplicably picked up). I had an ultrasound & bloodwork on Sunday. Everything looked good (including some antral follicles waiting in the wings), so I'll start stims on Wednesday and go back for more monitoring on Saturday, 3/14 to see how we're doing. Let's hope we're doing well!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
No PIO
The pharmacy has been stalking me. Seriously - I get at least 3 calls from them every other day. Despite the fact that I've called them back and told them I have to talk to my nurse first because I have some questions about the meds. BUT MA'AM YOUR MEDS ARE READY NOW. Oy.
So I finally talked with my nurse and got the meds thing figured out. I think. She said they no longer do the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections for IVF - which are also known as the giant needle butt shots. They just use the suppositories instead. I questioned that because before they told me that there were significantly better success rates with the PIO. She said they have new research that shows no difference in the two and switched over for everyone on February 1.
I was still concerned because every time I've been on the suppositories, I've started my period a few days before the pregnancy test. But the PIO seems to stave it off longer, so I was thinking that I might be absorbing more progesterone through the shots. I asked her if we could monitor it through my cycle and she said no - they only do that when there's been a problem before.
Ummm... me not being pregnant after this many assisted cycles isn't a "problem"? She put me on hold and then appeased the crazy lady by saying they'd test both my estrogen and progesterone levels on day 3 or 4 after egg retrieval to make sure everything looked good. Now, was that so hard?
So March 8th is the date for my evaluation (bloodwork & ultrasound) to make sure everything looks ready to start up again. Of course, that is the date of the 10K I wanted to do. But, I also just found out the 10K is just 5 laps around a park - which doesn't sound all that fun to me. Plus, I've already done a 10K in my training. I've got my sights on the St. Patrick's Day 8K now instead. I wonder if you have to dress like a leprechaun?
So I finally talked with my nurse and got the meds thing figured out. I think. She said they no longer do the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections for IVF - which are also known as the giant needle butt shots. They just use the suppositories instead. I questioned that because before they told me that there were significantly better success rates with the PIO. She said they have new research that shows no difference in the two and switched over for everyone on February 1.
I was still concerned because every time I've been on the suppositories, I've started my period a few days before the pregnancy test. But the PIO seems to stave it off longer, so I was thinking that I might be absorbing more progesterone through the shots. I asked her if we could monitor it through my cycle and she said no - they only do that when there's been a problem before.
Ummm... me not being pregnant after this many assisted cycles isn't a "problem"? She put me on hold and then appeased the crazy lady by saying they'd test both my estrogen and progesterone levels on day 3 or 4 after egg retrieval to make sure everything looked good. Now, was that so hard?
So March 8th is the date for my evaluation (bloodwork & ultrasound) to make sure everything looks ready to start up again. Of course, that is the date of the 10K I wanted to do. But, I also just found out the 10K is just 5 laps around a park - which doesn't sound all that fun to me. Plus, I've already done a 10K in my training. I've got my sights on the St. Patrick's Day 8K now instead. I wonder if you have to dress like a leprechaun?
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's Official
BFN.
Now I'm off to the store to buy some Sudafed so that I can actually breathe. I've gotten some nasty cold and haven't taken anything "just in case".
Well, now I don't have to worry about "just in case" anymore. Bring on the Sudafed, red wine and running. (Not all at the same time though...) ;-)
I start birth control pills on Sunday and then I will likely start stims again on March 8th. It seems so close! Nothing like picking yourself up, dusting off and jumping back on the roller coaster.
Here we go!
Now I'm off to the store to buy some Sudafed so that I can actually breathe. I've gotten some nasty cold and haven't taken anything "just in case".
Well, now I don't have to worry about "just in case" anymore. Bring on the Sudafed, red wine and running. (Not all at the same time though...) ;-)
I start birth control pills on Sunday and then I will likely start stims again on March 8th. It seems so close! Nothing like picking yourself up, dusting off and jumping back on the roller coaster.
Here we go!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
At Least I Don't Have to Wait
Full-fledged period started last night.
But I'm really okay. The nurse told me to continue the progesterone, "just in case". But who are we kidding? We knew this was a long shot.
At least I don't have to wait for the phone call from the nurse tomorrow afternoon. Well, I do, but at least I know what she will tell me.
One more IVF to go.
But I'm really okay. The nurse told me to continue the progesterone, "just in case". But who are we kidding? We knew this was a long shot.
At least I don't have to wait for the phone call from the nurse tomorrow afternoon. Well, I do, but at least I know what she will tell me.
One more IVF to go.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thirty-Six
I got absolutely PERFECT weather for my birthday. What an awesome gift! Michael was down for the count with a cold, so Uno and I set out on our own for a long hike in the woods to take full advantage of the day. It was awesome! Of course, Uno had to sniff every leaf on the ground, so it was slow going. At one point, we sat on a stump and just watched clouds go by and felt the sun beat down on us. (That is, until a big black standard poodle named Shaq (hilarious) came by and Uno had to prove how tough she was.) Good times.
Saturday night, we had the family party - which was fun as always - with homemade pizza and carrot cake. YUM! It was good to hang out with the fam. So, all in all - a very good weekend.
I would have liked for it to stay the weekend. Today I woke up to cramps. Of course, it is Day 24 - my usual day to get my period. I'm exhausted, bloated, and my lower back hurts. Of course, with the progesterone, it will remain this way until Friday when I get my test results. Sure feels like delaying the inevitable... But, even if it is, at least we have another chance. That is keeping me hopeful!
Saturday night, we had the family party - which was fun as always - with homemade pizza and carrot cake. YUM! It was good to hang out with the fam. So, all in all - a very good weekend.
I would have liked for it to stay the weekend. Today I woke up to cramps. Of course, it is Day 24 - my usual day to get my period. I'm exhausted, bloated, and my lower back hurts. Of course, with the progesterone, it will remain this way until Friday when I get my test results. Sure feels like delaying the inevitable... But, even if it is, at least we have another chance. That is keeping me hopeful!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
A Diagnosis is Good, Right?
I talked with my doctor today. After discussing our case with the panel, the consensus seems to be to go back to the protocol of IVF #2 next time. Which doesn't thrill me, as we only got 5 eggs and the embryos were very fragmented (i.e. not good). But, they all agreed that doing another cycle with the Lupron would result in similar results to this time (a measly 3 follicles).
In IVF #2, while I had fewer eggs and not-so-great embryo development, I had a lot more follicles. The protocol was birth control pills for 21 days, then evaluation and stims + Ganirelix. They are hoping that the higher stims this time minus the Lupron plus the Ganirelix will be the formula for success. This last cycle, I was on the highest dosage of stims they allow, so it isn't like they can up it any.
Which brings me to the title of this post. This is the first time I have been able to pin my doctor down on what the heck is wrong with me. He said it. Definitively. "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" There. A diagnosis. Something other than "Unexplained Infertility". I should be happy, right?
I always just figured a diagnosis would come with a way to fix it. But, I guess it is of some comfort to know what the problem is, even if we don't know what caused it or that there isn't any way to fix it. It is what it is, and I'd rather know than remain in the dark. At least I keep telling myself that.
But I have all these little questions in my head - should my OBGYN have been concerned early on that I was having my period every 3 weeks (for my entire LIFE)? Did that make me use my eggs faster than most women? Did all of those early fertility treatments use up all my eggs in a few foul swoops? If Diminished Ovarian Reserve is my only problem, why the heck didn't one of those early on treatments work - when I actually had some eggs?
But this diagnosis is information we didn't have before. It may not be the only thing wrong with me, but it's something we didn't know before. So, we take it for what it's worth and move on.
I don't know. I'm feeling old and dried up and crotchety. It's a good thing I have yoga tonight. I'd really rather go running (did I actually just say that?), but yoga will have to do.
In IVF #2, while I had fewer eggs and not-so-great embryo development, I had a lot more follicles. The protocol was birth control pills for 21 days, then evaluation and stims + Ganirelix. They are hoping that the higher stims this time minus the Lupron plus the Ganirelix will be the formula for success. This last cycle, I was on the highest dosage of stims they allow, so it isn't like they can up it any.
Which brings me to the title of this post. This is the first time I have been able to pin my doctor down on what the heck is wrong with me. He said it. Definitively. "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" There. A diagnosis. Something other than "Unexplained Infertility". I should be happy, right?
I always just figured a diagnosis would come with a way to fix it. But, I guess it is of some comfort to know what the problem is, even if we don't know what caused it or that there isn't any way to fix it. It is what it is, and I'd rather know than remain in the dark. At least I keep telling myself that.
But I have all these little questions in my head - should my OBGYN have been concerned early on that I was having my period every 3 weeks (for my entire LIFE)? Did that make me use my eggs faster than most women? Did all of those early fertility treatments use up all my eggs in a few foul swoops? If Diminished Ovarian Reserve is my only problem, why the heck didn't one of those early on treatments work - when I actually had some eggs?
But this diagnosis is information we didn't have before. It may not be the only thing wrong with me, but it's something we didn't know before. So, we take it for what it's worth and move on.
I don't know. I'm feeling old and dried up and crotchety. It's a good thing I have yoga tonight. I'd really rather go running (did I actually just say that?), but yoga will have to do.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Progesterone Head
I did something so supremely stupid yesterday that Michael said I had to confess it here.
(I'm blaming the progesterone.)
We went grocery shopping. I'm pretty used to shopping by myself, so it's a bit different when you are tag-teaming. Michael was pushing the cart and I was adding to it. We were nearing the end of our list and we still hadn't found one thing we were looking for. So, Michael went to Customer Service to ask about it (cheesecloth is apparently with pots & pans - "kitchen implements" for future reference), leaving me with the cart to collect the remaining items we needed.
I'm not sure what happened next, but my brain apparently stopped working. I went to get some cans of soup and that aisle was crazy crowded, so I parked the cart and went on my soup-quest. I wound up with 4 cans of soup and I was trying to juggle those and get the other few items and I realized I didn't have enough hands, so I went to get a basket from one of the checkout lanes since Michael had the cart. Yep, I forgot from about 30 seconds beforehand when I PARKED THE CART.
So Michael finds me wandering around looking for him with a basket of soup cans.
Me: Hey - where's the cart?!
Him: Uhhhh - I was going to ask you the same question...
Me: (incredulous) I never HAD the cart!
Him: Seriously? I left it with you to go ask about this cheesecloth about 5 seconds ago.
Me: (silence, wheels spinning, then...) Oh yeah.
Luckily I DID remember where I left the cart. I guess it's a good thing it didn't have anything like, oh I don't know, A BABY in it. Sheesh.
So, there's my confession. I'd like to think I wouldn't have done that normally, but who knows. I'm just a little foggy these days... (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
(I'm blaming the progesterone.)
We went grocery shopping. I'm pretty used to shopping by myself, so it's a bit different when you are tag-teaming. Michael was pushing the cart and I was adding to it. We were nearing the end of our list and we still hadn't found one thing we were looking for. So, Michael went to Customer Service to ask about it (cheesecloth is apparently with pots & pans - "kitchen implements" for future reference), leaving me with the cart to collect the remaining items we needed.
I'm not sure what happened next, but my brain apparently stopped working. I went to get some cans of soup and that aisle was crazy crowded, so I parked the cart and went on my soup-quest. I wound up with 4 cans of soup and I was trying to juggle those and get the other few items and I realized I didn't have enough hands, so I went to get a basket from one of the checkout lanes since Michael had the cart. Yep, I forgot from about 30 seconds beforehand when I PARKED THE CART.
So Michael finds me wandering around looking for him with a basket of soup cans.
Me: Hey - where's the cart?!
Him: Uhhhh - I was going to ask you the same question...
Me: (incredulous) I never HAD the cart!
Him: Seriously? I left it with you to go ask about this cheesecloth about 5 seconds ago.
Me: (silence, wheels spinning, then...) Oh yeah.
Luckily I DID remember where I left the cart. I guess it's a good thing it didn't have anything like, oh I don't know, A BABY in it. Sheesh.
So, there's my confession. I'd like to think I wouldn't have done that normally, but who knows. I'm just a little foggy these days... (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Superstition
The IUI took a grand total of about 45 seconds, as usual. We had more good sperm this time than we've ever had - 39 million. I just wish my eggs were up to par.
But, nothing we can do about that, so we just hope for the best while still figuring out what to do for the next IVF. The doc is going to call me Tuesday 2/2 after he presents our case to the panel. Even though I didn't go through IVF, I think I'm still going to cut out the high impact exercise until my pregnancy test. Guess I should cut back on the food intake too, huh? If I keep eating like I'm running AND add in the progesterone, I'm sure to balloon up in no time. ;-)
My pregnancy test is on Friday, 2/13. The day before my sister's baby shower. When I was scheduling the test I noticed it was on Friday the 13th and made some comment about it not boding well. The nurse said that didn't apply to me. Oh, how I wish it worked that way...
But, nothing we can do about that, so we just hope for the best while still figuring out what to do for the next IVF. The doc is going to call me Tuesday 2/2 after he presents our case to the panel. Even though I didn't go through IVF, I think I'm still going to cut out the high impact exercise until my pregnancy test. Guess I should cut back on the food intake too, huh? If I keep eating like I'm running AND add in the progesterone, I'm sure to balloon up in no time. ;-)
My pregnancy test is on Friday, 2/13. The day before my sister's baby shower. When I was scheduling the test I noticed it was on Friday the 13th and made some comment about it not boding well. The nurse said that didn't apply to me. Oh, how I wish it worked that way...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Converted
It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? Like we changed religions or something.
It's actually not dramatic at all. I am so grateful that my doctor mentioned it early on so that we had a few days to come to terms with it and accept it. Michael and I were both leaning towards converting after the conversation with my doctor yesterday, but thought we were still torn. After re-reading my blog post, it sounded so obvious. What I wanted to do was right there staring me in the face, despite my protesting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words in the comments. And you are right - it would be so much easier if someone could tell you what the right answer is.
I'm looking at it this way - we've been given another chance at IVF. Why wouldn't we take it? Yes, it means I won't know for sure whether or not we'll have children by February 16th. Yes, it means that I'll have to endure another round of shots and hormones. Yes, it means yet another roller coaster when I thought we'd be done. But for another shot (no pun intended) at having a child - all of that is unquestionably worth it.
Now, I'm not totally counting the IUI out. (Okay, honestly? So maybe I am. I figure, if IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching didn't work - the chances of the IUI working are pretty much nill.) I guess there's always a chance since no one seems to have any clue why we can't conceive. (But my uncooperative ovaries are giving me a big ol' hint...)
So we do the trigger shot tonight and then the IUI on Friday. My doctor will present our case to the panel Monday night (2/2/09) and call us Tuesday to talk about the plan for the next IVF. (See? Even he knows the IUI is a long shot...) Even though I'm not getting any younger and my IVF cycles have gotten progressively worse, he still thinks I would do the same, if not better in another cycle. I'm all for the Hail Mary.
P.S. Jamie - I actually DID ask my doctor what he'd do if he were in my shoes today and he said convert. But to answer your question about freezing the eggs - if they did the egg retrieval, that would count as IVF and insurance wouldn't cover it. My doctor seems to think I have a few good ones left. ;-)
It's actually not dramatic at all. I am so grateful that my doctor mentioned it early on so that we had a few days to come to terms with it and accept it. Michael and I were both leaning towards converting after the conversation with my doctor yesterday, but thought we were still torn. After re-reading my blog post, it sounded so obvious. What I wanted to do was right there staring me in the face, despite my protesting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words in the comments. And you are right - it would be so much easier if someone could tell you what the right answer is.
I'm looking at it this way - we've been given another chance at IVF. Why wouldn't we take it? Yes, it means I won't know for sure whether or not we'll have children by February 16th. Yes, it means that I'll have to endure another round of shots and hormones. Yes, it means yet another roller coaster when I thought we'd be done. But for another shot (no pun intended) at having a child - all of that is unquestionably worth it.
Now, I'm not totally counting the IUI out. (Okay, honestly? So maybe I am. I figure, if IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching didn't work - the chances of the IUI working are pretty much nill.) I guess there's always a chance since no one seems to have any clue why we can't conceive. (But my uncooperative ovaries are giving me a big ol' hint...)
So we do the trigger shot tonight and then the IUI on Friday. My doctor will present our case to the panel Monday night (2/2/09) and call us Tuesday to talk about the plan for the next IVF. (See? Even he knows the IUI is a long shot...) Even though I'm not getting any younger and my IVF cycles have gotten progressively worse, he still thinks I would do the same, if not better in another cycle. I'm all for the Hail Mary.
P.S. Jamie - I actually DID ask my doctor what he'd do if he were in my shoes today and he said convert. But to answer your question about freezing the eggs - if they did the egg retrieval, that would count as IVF and insurance wouldn't cover it. My doctor seems to think I have a few good ones left. ;-)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Still Torn
Same deal today. My 3 lead follies are between 13-18, so they'll trigger me tomorrow night. We have until then to decide what we want to do.
We were leaning toward moving forward with the IVF, but now after talking with my doctor today, I'm not so sure. He said something that is nagging at me. When I asked what he would recommend, he said, "I'd just hate for us to move forward with the IVF and it not work out and you second guess your decision."
I hadn't really thought about that. He said if we did IVF again, my response couldn't be worse. Well, THAT'S a bright side for you. ;-) There's part of me that just wants to be done already, but then there's part of me that says - well, we could have another shot at a baby.
We asked the doctor what he would do differently if we were to do another IVF cycle. He said he honestly didn't know. He wants to present my case to a panel to get his colleagues' input. Lovely - my body is so effed up that my fertility doctor doesn't even know what to do with me.
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, but we're supposed to have ice. And given that it took me almost 2 hours to get there this morning with just a wee bit of snow (when it usually takes 15-20 mins), I'm not sure we'll make it. If we don't make it, they'll "estimate my follicle growth" and trigger me anyway. So, we have until tomorrow to figure all this out. I honestly don't know what to do...
We were leaning toward moving forward with the IVF, but now after talking with my doctor today, I'm not so sure. He said something that is nagging at me. When I asked what he would recommend, he said, "I'd just hate for us to move forward with the IVF and it not work out and you second guess your decision."
I hadn't really thought about that. He said if we did IVF again, my response couldn't be worse. Well, THAT'S a bright side for you. ;-) There's part of me that just wants to be done already, but then there's part of me that says - well, we could have another shot at a baby.
We asked the doctor what he would do differently if we were to do another IVF cycle. He said he honestly didn't know. He wants to present my case to a panel to get his colleagues' input. Lovely - my body is so effed up that my fertility doctor doesn't even know what to do with me.
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, but we're supposed to have ice. And given that it took me almost 2 hours to get there this morning with just a wee bit of snow (when it usually takes 15-20 mins), I'm not sure we'll make it. If we don't make it, they'll "estimate my follicle growth" and trigger me anyway. So, we have until tomorrow to figure all this out. I honestly don't know what to do...
Monday, January 26, 2009
To Convert or Not To Convert...
That is the question.
Sadly.
My 3 lead follicles are even bigger. The others have done nothing. The doctor said if this was my first IVF attempt, he would recommend converting it to an IUI. (We did about 4 of those before moving to IVF.) But since this is my 3rd IVF and it's the worst response so far with the highest dosage of drugs, he doesn't think converting and doing another IVF cycle later will yield any different results. But, he wanted to put it out there for Michael and I to have some time to discuss before we have to make a decision. We'll likely trigger on Wednesday, 1/28, so we have until then to decide. I go back tomorrow for another check of the follicles.
The doctor is going to review my past cycles and see if there's anything different he can do with the drug cocktail to get a better response in a future cycle, but it isn't looking good.
Michael and I are leaning towards moving forward with this IVF even though we'll likely only get 3 eggs at most. It would be one thing if there was some other thing they could do, but sadly, it sounds like it's more my pathetic ovaries than the drug combo. And we're tired. We've devoted 4 years of our lives to this. And if my ovaries aren't going to cooperate, well - they just aren't and we'll have to deal with that and move on. And 3 eggs isn't zero. We keep telling ourselves that it only takes one.
So I guess I'll ask you all to pull for that one!
Sadly.
My 3 lead follicles are even bigger. The others have done nothing. The doctor said if this was my first IVF attempt, he would recommend converting it to an IUI. (We did about 4 of those before moving to IVF.) But since this is my 3rd IVF and it's the worst response so far with the highest dosage of drugs, he doesn't think converting and doing another IVF cycle later will yield any different results. But, he wanted to put it out there for Michael and I to have some time to discuss before we have to make a decision. We'll likely trigger on Wednesday, 1/28, so we have until then to decide. I go back tomorrow for another check of the follicles.
The doctor is going to review my past cycles and see if there's anything different he can do with the drug cocktail to get a better response in a future cycle, but it isn't looking good.
Michael and I are leaning towards moving forward with this IVF even though we'll likely only get 3 eggs at most. It would be one thing if there was some other thing they could do, but sadly, it sounds like it's more my pathetic ovaries than the drug combo. And we're tired. We've devoted 4 years of our lives to this. And if my ovaries aren't going to cooperate, well - they just aren't and we'll have to deal with that and move on. And 3 eggs isn't zero. We keep telling ourselves that it only takes one.
So I guess I'll ask you all to pull for that one!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Catch Up
Yesterday, I hosted my little sister's baby shower...
And it was awesome! I bet you thought this was going to be a hormonal rant about how hard it was on me. Nope. It was really a lot of fun. It was just a group of her girlfriends, so we just hung out and chatted and drank sparkly pink cocktails and looked at baby pictures of Ashley and Tom - some of which were priceless. (I think I could hold this slideshow for ransom if I wanted.) Best of all, I think my sister had a great time. And really, that is all I wanted in the end. She is such a wonderful person and she will be such a great mom. That is just an awesome thing to be a part of - to see my sister in a different light. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it was a good day.
I had even gotten some not so great news at my monitoring appointment that morning, but I still didn't let it impact the day. Which brings us to the follicle report. I have 3 lead follicles on the right that are considerably larger than the others. (Ideally, they want a lot of follicles that are all around the same size.) But, they kept my dosage the same, so they must feel like the others will catch up. I go back in for monitoring tomorrow morning. I am actually driving out of my way to go to a different office so that I don't have that horrible phlebotomist again. I'm sticking myself enough with needles, I don't need to be stuck unnecessarily by someone who can't find a vein!
Today, I went to brunch with a childhood friend I reconnected with (via Facebook, of course). When we left the restaurant, it was 4 HOURS LATER. How did that happen? It's funny how time flies by or how the years just seem to melt away when you meet up with an old friend. The funny part is, we were friends when we were little, little kids. We never went to school together - it was more that our moms were friends, so by default WE were friends. I can vividly remember being so jealous of her because she was allowed to pick out her own clothes and I had to wear what my mom picked out for me. Let me tell you, when I look back at the pictures of us, I thank my mom! ;-)
Another follicle report coming tomorrow - let's hope for some catcher uppers!
And it was awesome! I bet you thought this was going to be a hormonal rant about how hard it was on me. Nope. It was really a lot of fun. It was just a group of her girlfriends, so we just hung out and chatted and drank sparkly pink cocktails and looked at baby pictures of Ashley and Tom - some of which were priceless. (I think I could hold this slideshow for ransom if I wanted.) Best of all, I think my sister had a great time. And really, that is all I wanted in the end. She is such a wonderful person and she will be such a great mom. That is just an awesome thing to be a part of - to see my sister in a different light. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it was a good day.
I had even gotten some not so great news at my monitoring appointment that morning, but I still didn't let it impact the day. Which brings us to the follicle report. I have 3 lead follicles on the right that are considerably larger than the others. (Ideally, they want a lot of follicles that are all around the same size.) But, they kept my dosage the same, so they must feel like the others will catch up. I go back in for monitoring tomorrow morning. I am actually driving out of my way to go to a different office so that I don't have that horrible phlebotomist again. I'm sticking myself enough with needles, I don't need to be stuck unnecessarily by someone who can't find a vein!
Today, I went to brunch with a childhood friend I reconnected with (via Facebook, of course). When we left the restaurant, it was 4 HOURS LATER. How did that happen? It's funny how time flies by or how the years just seem to melt away when you meet up with an old friend. The funny part is, we were friends when we were little, little kids. We never went to school together - it was more that our moms were friends, so by default WE were friends. I can vividly remember being so jealous of her because she was allowed to pick out her own clothes and I had to wear what my mom picked out for me. Let me tell you, when I look back at the pictures of us, I thank my mom! ;-)
Another follicle report coming tomorrow - let's hope for some catcher uppers!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lookin' Good
I had my monitoring appointment today and according to my doctor, things are "lookin' good". I have about 5 follicles on the right side and 3 on the left (I think - I could have that right/left thing backwards). All are a good size for where we are in the process. My estrogen level is good (although way lower than where it was for my last 2 IVF's) - 62.2. I had them also test my TSH for my thyroid since my fingers have been going numb again. It came back at 1.1, so that is perfect!
Although GETTING my blood to test did not go so perfectly. There's a new phlebotomist. She is very nice, but I think she enjoys missing my vein and digging around in my arm hunting for it. Because she has done it twice now. (And I've only seen her twice.) Now I'm not a fan of getting stuck with a needle multiple times, but I'm even LESS of a fan of someone rooting around in my arm with a needle trying to get my vein and then blaming me for not being hydrated enough. No, lady - I think it's because you suck.
She finally gave up and had me go for the ultrasound first so that I could drink some water and then get my blood drawn at the end of my appointment. So I'm sitting on the table pantsless, covered by the oh-so-discreet paper sheet waiting for the ultrasound when my doctor comes in and says a college student is shadowing him and would I mind if she joined us. Heck, at this point so many people have seen my lady bits through all of this - why not? The funny thing is, I think the poor girl was more uncomfortable than I was because she was trying to find a place to look that was not directly at me in all of my glory. Ah well, I hope she learned something.
So I keep up with the same dosage and go back for monitoring and bloodwork again on Saturday morning. Luckily, I get to go to a different office with a different phlebotomist, but you can bet I'm chugging some water before I go just in case!
I'm still trying to keep up with the running until ET. I did 6 miles again on Monday, but with a slight distraction. About 3 miles in, a woman gets on the treadmill next to me and (I am not lying) begins to sing.
Opera.
As loud as she can possibly belt it out. And let me tell you, she couldn't carry a tune to save her life. I turned my MP3 player up as loud as I could stand it and I could still hear her over it. I kept looking over at her, and even panted out a breathless, "excuse me" but she totally ignored me. Maybe it made me run faster so that I could get the heck out of there. That is my new pet peeve. Singing at the gym. So, so wrong.
Although GETTING my blood to test did not go so perfectly. There's a new phlebotomist. She is very nice, but I think she enjoys missing my vein and digging around in my arm hunting for it. Because she has done it twice now. (And I've only seen her twice.) Now I'm not a fan of getting stuck with a needle multiple times, but I'm even LESS of a fan of someone rooting around in my arm with a needle trying to get my vein and then blaming me for not being hydrated enough. No, lady - I think it's because you suck.
She finally gave up and had me go for the ultrasound first so that I could drink some water and then get my blood drawn at the end of my appointment. So I'm sitting on the table pantsless, covered by the oh-so-discreet paper sheet waiting for the ultrasound when my doctor comes in and says a college student is shadowing him and would I mind if she joined us. Heck, at this point so many people have seen my lady bits through all of this - why not? The funny thing is, I think the poor girl was more uncomfortable than I was because she was trying to find a place to look that was not directly at me in all of my glory. Ah well, I hope she learned something.
So I keep up with the same dosage and go back for monitoring and bloodwork again on Saturday morning. Luckily, I get to go to a different office with a different phlebotomist, but you can bet I'm chugging some water before I go just in case!
I'm still trying to keep up with the running until ET. I did 6 miles again on Monday, but with a slight distraction. About 3 miles in, a woman gets on the treadmill next to me and (I am not lying) begins to sing.
Opera.
As loud as she can possibly belt it out. And let me tell you, she couldn't carry a tune to save her life. I turned my MP3 player up as loud as I could stand it and I could still hear her over it. I kept looking over at her, and even panted out a breathless, "excuse me" but she totally ignored me. Maybe it made me run faster so that I could get the heck out of there. That is my new pet peeve. Singing at the gym. So, so wrong.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Drive By
Just a quick little catch-me-up. Finished Lupron (yay!) with only a few hot flashes. It did give me some HORRIBLE bad dreams & night sweats. Michael started waking up saying, "What did I do this time?" because my dreams were so vivid and I'd be mad at him when I first woke up. Whoever said I was rational? ;-)
Anyway, we had the Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday and everything looked good, so I started the stims that night. When the doctor told me that he'd be upping my dosage to try to get more quality eggs out of me, I figured I'd just be taking more of medicine in the shots I was taking. Not so. Since my dosage is so high, I need to take shots in the AM and the PM because I guess they don't want me to have it all at once. So I get to take 3 shots a day. Fun stuff. But it's only for a finite period of time - and the needles really don't hurt (although, I still get freaked out by them - I'm such a wuss). Seriously. You'd think I'd be used to them by now. But then, I guess you'd think I'd be used to a lot of things by now.
Here are some dates I estimated based on the other IVF's - which could all change (hence the word "estimated"...)
1/26 - Trigger
1/28- Egg Retrieval
1/31 - Embryo Transfer
2/15 - Beta
I go in tomorrow for monitoring, so I'll let you know what things look like then. In the meantime, think happy follicle thoughts for me! Stay tuned...
Anyway, we had the Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday and everything looked good, so I started the stims that night. When the doctor told me that he'd be upping my dosage to try to get more quality eggs out of me, I figured I'd just be taking more of medicine in the shots I was taking. Not so. Since my dosage is so high, I need to take shots in the AM and the PM because I guess they don't want me to have it all at once. So I get to take 3 shots a day. Fun stuff. But it's only for a finite period of time - and the needles really don't hurt (although, I still get freaked out by them - I'm such a wuss). Seriously. You'd think I'd be used to them by now. But then, I guess you'd think I'd be used to a lot of things by now.
Here are some dates I estimated based on the other IVF's - which could all change (hence the word "estimated"...)
1/26 - Trigger
1/28- Egg Retrieval
1/31 - Embryo Transfer
2/15 - Beta
I go in tomorrow for monitoring, so I'll let you know what things look like then. In the meantime, think happy follicle thoughts for me! Stay tuned...
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Protector
I don't have any real IVF status update except that I started Lupron on Saturday night. No hot flashes yet! I'm sure they'll wait until the most inopportune time. But - I've had this stuff rolling around in my head for a few days now and figured I had better just get it out there.
I had a moment of clarity with my therapist last week, but before I tell you about it, I have to back up to before Christmas. I have been wanting to take this Yoga for Fertility series for awhile now, but the problem is that it's offered during the week far away from me. For those of you who know DC traffic - I'd have to get from Fairfax to Shady Grove by 6:30 or 7 PM. Not happening. Anyway, they offered a 3-hour workshop on a Saturday right before the holidays, so I took it as a little present to myself. I was SO looking forward to it. 3 hours of restorative, relaxing yoga? Heck yeah. While it was a good class and I did get something out of it, it was also a little traumatic. At the beginning, we went around and said a little about ourselves and our fertility journey. No one there had been trying for longer than 18 months. Most were starting their first fertility treatment. I went last. As you can imagine, there was collective gasp in the room when I said I'd been trying for almost 4 years and we were moving on to our 3rd and last IVF. I was all of their worst nightmares. And I felt bad about it. I felt like I was dashing all of their hopes. During part of the meditation at the end, the instructor was telling us to imagine the feel of our infant in our laps. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I just kept thinking - "but I might NEVER feel that!" So, yeah, not as relaxing as it could have been.
Anyway, I was relating this story to my therapist. I should mention that one of the things I like about her is that she's no fan of The Secret. I'm all for positive thinking, but I just don't buy into the whole "movement" about it being the be-all end-all - and she's right on board with me. So she talked to me about that reaction I had during yoga and called it "my protector" talking. She suggested thinking of her as a person, a protecter and thanking her when those negative thoughts surfaced - saying "thank you, but I don't need you right now". I liked it. It feels concrete. It validates my feelings / thoughts as real and normal, but unneccessary. So I don't beat myself up for the negative thoughts (i.e. maybe the reason you aren't pregnant is because you don't think you actually can be). Thinking positively feels a little naive right now - or kind of like denial. It feels better for me to think about how I will be okay no matter the outcome of this IVF. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my job. I will be okay.
It was just a really good image and method for me, so I thought I'd share.
I'd also like to clarify on the running during IVF thing from the last post. (My sister was concerned I'd gotten a little obsessed with the running.) I was hoping I could continue running up to the point of the embryo transfer (please don't ever call it implanatation - if they could implant it, I'd likely have a kid already). I wouldn't do ANYTHING to jepoardize this IVF working. I think I'll be flat on my butt as much as possible after transfer and before the beta, and if it's positive - for quite awhile thereafter. Speaking of running... tonight is 6 miles. Let's hope I can make it!
(p.s. Those 6 miles? Aw yeah. I did it.)
I had a moment of clarity with my therapist last week, but before I tell you about it, I have to back up to before Christmas. I have been wanting to take this Yoga for Fertility series for awhile now, but the problem is that it's offered during the week far away from me. For those of you who know DC traffic - I'd have to get from Fairfax to Shady Grove by 6:30 or 7 PM. Not happening. Anyway, they offered a 3-hour workshop on a Saturday right before the holidays, so I took it as a little present to myself. I was SO looking forward to it. 3 hours of restorative, relaxing yoga? Heck yeah. While it was a good class and I did get something out of it, it was also a little traumatic. At the beginning, we went around and said a little about ourselves and our fertility journey. No one there had been trying for longer than 18 months. Most were starting their first fertility treatment. I went last. As you can imagine, there was collective gasp in the room when I said I'd been trying for almost 4 years and we were moving on to our 3rd and last IVF. I was all of their worst nightmares. And I felt bad about it. I felt like I was dashing all of their hopes. During part of the meditation at the end, the instructor was telling us to imagine the feel of our infant in our laps. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I just kept thinking - "but I might NEVER feel that!" So, yeah, not as relaxing as it could have been.
Anyway, I was relating this story to my therapist. I should mention that one of the things I like about her is that she's no fan of The Secret. I'm all for positive thinking, but I just don't buy into the whole "movement" about it being the be-all end-all - and she's right on board with me. So she talked to me about that reaction I had during yoga and called it "my protector" talking. She suggested thinking of her as a person, a protecter and thanking her when those negative thoughts surfaced - saying "thank you, but I don't need you right now". I liked it. It feels concrete. It validates my feelings / thoughts as real and normal, but unneccessary. So I don't beat myself up for the negative thoughts (i.e. maybe the reason you aren't pregnant is because you don't think you actually can be). Thinking positively feels a little naive right now - or kind of like denial. It feels better for me to think about how I will be okay no matter the outcome of this IVF. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my job. I will be okay.
It was just a really good image and method for me, so I thought I'd share.
I'd also like to clarify on the running during IVF thing from the last post. (My sister was concerned I'd gotten a little obsessed with the running.) I was hoping I could continue running up to the point of the embryo transfer (please don't ever call it implanatation - if they could implant it, I'd likely have a kid already). I wouldn't do ANYTHING to jepoardize this IVF working. I think I'll be flat on my butt as much as possible after transfer and before the beta, and if it's positive - for quite awhile thereafter. Speaking of running... tonight is 6 miles. Let's hope I can make it!
(p.s. Those 6 miles? Aw yeah. I did it.)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Go ME!
Tonight I made Allison history.
I ran 5 miles.
That might not sound like much, but for someone who isn't a runner, it's a big deal! AND it was on a treadmill, so that should count for double points since it's so boring. So I'm just patting myself on the back. (A very sweaty back...)
In my 10K training plan, I basically run an extra mile every Monday for the long runs. (I was supposed to do this 5 miles on Monday, but I had a dinner date instead.) This 5 miles left me breathless, so I'm a little concerned with doing 6 next week. Plus, I don't run fast, so it literally takes FOREVER. The longest run I have in the training schedule is 8 miles. (Gulp.) Of course, I have wondered if I will be able to keep up all this running during IVF, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (See? I'm getting better at rolling with the punches.)
Okay. Top Chef is on. Sorry - priorities.
I ran 5 miles.
That might not sound like much, but for someone who isn't a runner, it's a big deal! AND it was on a treadmill, so that should count for double points since it's so boring. So I'm just patting myself on the back. (A very sweaty back...)
In my 10K training plan, I basically run an extra mile every Monday for the long runs. (I was supposed to do this 5 miles on Monday, but I had a dinner date instead.) This 5 miles left me breathless, so I'm a little concerned with doing 6 next week. Plus, I don't run fast, so it literally takes FOREVER. The longest run I have in the training schedule is 8 miles. (Gulp.) Of course, I have wondered if I will be able to keep up all this running during IVF, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (See? I'm getting better at rolling with the punches.)
Okay. Top Chef is on. Sorry - priorities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)