I never watch TV in the morning (like I need ANOTHER excuse to be late to work), but I was traveling for work this week, and happened to catch the Today Show when they did a segment on infertility. Now, I usually am happy for ANY sort of awareness-building effort, but this one fell short for me. They covered a news anchor who struggled with infertility for 2 years. Of course, she got pregnant with twins through IVF and then had an "oops" baby a little while later with no help at all.
For some reason, this particular segment really bothered me. I think it's because every news story on infertility has a happy ending. What about those of us who never get that happy ending?
My friend, Rosa pointed out that people like us don't speak up. Which is very true. I was much more involved and vocal while I was still going through treatments - still striving for that happy ending. Now - not so much. I can think of a few reasons people like me don't speak up...
1 - We may not be ready to accept the fact that motherhood will never happen for us.
2 - We may feel like we are still grieving the losses and aren't in a good place to speak up.
3 - We don't want to subject ourselves to the "just adopt" and similar assvice that comes when we do speak up about our situations.
4 - We are busy living our lives rather than obsessing about our fertility (or lack thereof).
5 - Nobody really wants to hear about a less than perfect ending.
I think all of those apply to me. And I worry - does nobody ever speak up because they are never really okay with it? Does this hurt never go away? I want someone to speak up and say - "I never was able to have children, but I love my life and wouldn't have it any other way". The fact that I can't find that in anyone terrifies me. Will I always have this hole? Or do people just move on and never feel the need to speak up?
I also feel like people like us scare the crap out of those who are going through infertility treatments. They don't really want to hear from us because we are their worst nightmares. Everyone wants the happy ending.
I don't know - I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. Maybe I should stop thinking and start talking. Because while I do wish things had turned out differently for us, I do love my life.
*****
p.s. I got a bike! I've only been on it once in my driveway (between weather, being sick and travel), so I have a long ways to go. Still figuring out the balance thing, but it's a start!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Feeling the Love
Wow - you all make me feel loved. I figured since I stopped posting, you had stopped reading. Thanks for checking in and giving me some cyber-love.
I mainly posted because I knew I had to go public with my goal. Nothing like the internet to give you a little accountability. Now to figure out how to go about learning to ride a bike... This might have to wait until it is a little warmer outside.
Ashley - NO you can't help teach me ala Modern Family. Definitely a funny visual though. (But I think our family's "help" probably contributes to why I haven't been on a bike since I was 12...)
Mindy - once I start to get the hang of it, I'd love to practice with you in a parking lot! ;-)
Steph (about the previous post) - I did switch doctors. The new one is good. Not great, but an improvement. When the nurse asked what birth control method I was using, I said "Infertility - it's suprisingly effective" which cracked her up. I went through everything we had done, and voiced my fears about early menopause. To my suprise, he didn't discount that. Instead he told me that by definition with me having diminished ovarian response, I WOULD go through menopause earlier than most. My sypmtoms have since diminished, so he said it was likely just a temporary hormonal shift. He also said that all my test results could come back normal and I could still be going through early menopause. So I'm NOT crazy! Well, maybe - but not related to this. ;-)
I mainly posted because I knew I had to go public with my goal. Nothing like the internet to give you a little accountability. Now to figure out how to go about learning to ride a bike... This might have to wait until it is a little warmer outside.
Ashley - NO you can't help teach me ala Modern Family. Definitely a funny visual though. (But I think our family's "help" probably contributes to why I haven't been on a bike since I was 12...)
Mindy - once I start to get the hang of it, I'd love to practice with you in a parking lot! ;-)
Steph (about the previous post) - I did switch doctors. The new one is good. Not great, but an improvement. When the nurse asked what birth control method I was using, I said "Infertility - it's suprisingly effective" which cracked her up. I went through everything we had done, and voiced my fears about early menopause. To my suprise, he didn't discount that. Instead he told me that by definition with me having diminished ovarian response, I WOULD go through menopause earlier than most. My sypmtoms have since diminished, so he said it was likely just a temporary hormonal shift. He also said that all my test results could come back normal and I could still be going through early menopause. So I'm NOT crazy! Well, maybe - but not related to this. ;-)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Looking Back, Looking Forward
So, I'm apparently pretty bad about blogging or even reading others' blogs. It is a new year, but I'm not promising to be better. ;-)
Looking back, it's been quite a year. For the first time, I haven't been focused on becoming a mother. Getting pregnant was not on my to-do list this year. And while that makes me sad, it felt good to focus on other things. I ran two ten-milers and my first half-marathon - and survived. I accomplished my goal of running sub-10 minute miles (at a 4-miler on December 31, no less. Nothing like taking it down to the wire...). My body is doing things I never thought it could. I put myself out there and interviewed for a promotion I knew I wouldn't get at work. *I* am doing things I never thought I could. It feels good to push and challenge myself, and I feel like that is a luxury that I wouldn't have if I had children. (I know there would be LOTS of other challenges, but you know what I mean.)
Looking forward, I plan to keep this up. I'm planning to do another half-marathon or two, and hopefully continue to improve my time. My goal for the end of the year is to be down to sub-9 minute miles. But I have another goal. It's something silly - and pretty embarassing. I always felt like I'd conquer it once I had kids. But since that is pretty much off the table, it's time to face it on my own.
I'm going to learn to ride a bike this year.
I know, I know. Pretty sad that an almost 38 year old does not know how to ride a bike. But it's true. I kind of learned, but was wobbly and nearly got hit by a car when I was around 12 and just never did it again. I cringe when people compare things to being "as easy as riding a bike". So this year, I'm going to learn.
It's about time.
Looking back, it's been quite a year. For the first time, I haven't been focused on becoming a mother. Getting pregnant was not on my to-do list this year. And while that makes me sad, it felt good to focus on other things. I ran two ten-milers and my first half-marathon - and survived. I accomplished my goal of running sub-10 minute miles (at a 4-miler on December 31, no less. Nothing like taking it down to the wire...). My body is doing things I never thought it could. I put myself out there and interviewed for a promotion I knew I wouldn't get at work. *I* am doing things I never thought I could. It feels good to push and challenge myself, and I feel like that is a luxury that I wouldn't have if I had children. (I know there would be LOTS of other challenges, but you know what I mean.)
Looking forward, I plan to keep this up. I'm planning to do another half-marathon or two, and hopefully continue to improve my time. My goal for the end of the year is to be down to sub-9 minute miles. But I have another goal. It's something silly - and pretty embarassing. I always felt like I'd conquer it once I had kids. But since that is pretty much off the table, it's time to face it on my own.
I'm going to learn to ride a bike this year.
I know, I know. Pretty sad that an almost 38 year old does not know how to ride a bike. But it's true. I kind of learned, but was wobbly and nearly got hit by a car when I was around 12 and just never did it again. I cringe when people compare things to being "as easy as riding a bike". So this year, I'm going to learn.
It's about time.
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