Break Time

(Doesn't that make you think about the lifeguard at the pool blowing the whistle?)

Like clockwork, I started my period 2 days before the pregnancy test was scheduled. I should have updated you all sooner, but Michael's parents were in town visiting so I wasn't really on the computer. I think that was a good thing - I couldn't get too down in the dumps this time as I had other things to focus on. I also hadn't let my hopes get too high since nothing was different. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad, but I just kind of expected it I guess.

I am not going in for any Day 3 bloodwork this time. We need a break from all this. I'm happy to have a month (at least) of relaxing and not injecting myself with anything. I'm not even going to go in for any acupuncture. In some ways I am feeling relieved, and in some ways I am feeling anxious and impatient. I know that patience is something I need to work on anyway, so the break will be good for me. We're going to the beach in a few weeks (and already counting down the days). We need some time away. Vacation, beach, break time, it's all good.

Thanks for all your kind words and prayers. I realized I've been focusing a lot of energy on my unanswered prayers of having a child when I have so much in my life to be thankful for otherwise. I am going to try to spend more time being thankful than being wishful. Thank you all for always being there and for being so understanding.

I might not update the blog as much on the break, but who knows. I might still have those random emotional freak-outs even though I'm not shooting up with hormones.

Epiphany

I know I've been hesitant about moving on to IVF, but I couldn't put a finger on why. Well, a conversation with Cindy this weekend pretty much cleared it up. I thought I was worried about the egg retrieval (where they put you under and put a needle through the vaginal wall into the ovary to harvest the eggs). Turns out, I'm worried because if we move to IVF - that means that is our last shot at becoming parents. (Okay - I'm still queasy about the needle through the vaginal wall thing, but that's not the main issue.) ;-) Up until this point, I've felt like we were at the beginning of treatment and there were so many other things left to try. Now there is ONE option left. That scares me.

Michael is fine either way - he'd love to have kids, but he's happy with our life as it is. I'm having a hard time changing the picture I had in my mind of what my family would be. I'm happy with our life now too, but I always thought we'd be parents at some point. I know life doesn't always turn out like you expect it to, but I never in a million years imagined that I wouldn't be a mom.

I feel like I need to get to the point where I'm okay with never having children. I think that would help lessen the pressure I'm putting on myself and make IVF less scary. Shady Grove has some counselors, so I'm trying to set up an appointment for us to talk to someone. It's been awhile since I've been in therapy - but I also haven't had to deal with something like this for awhile either. (Thank GOD!)

(Hopefuly Moot) Decisions

We had our IVF consultation with the RE this morning. He did answer most of our questions, but the main question I want the answer to - WHY can't we get pregnant - is of course, impossible to answer. He does not think my thyroid issue has any bearing on my ability to get pregnant. He said it would, however, impact my ability to maintain a pregnancy. I asked for possible reasons that the IUI hadn't worked - and there are many: sprem not being able to get to the fallopian tubes, fallopian tubes not releasing the egg properly, defective eggs, body producing antibodies rejecting sperm or fertilized egg, sperm not penetrating egg, etc.

If & when we do IVF, we will be able to see some of those things in action - for example, if the sperm can't penetrate the egg since it will be happening in a petri dish. Oh - and I did ask about the chances again. Each IUI has a 15-18% chance of being successful. IVF has a 55-60% chance of being successful. We have the option to do one more IUI or to go straight to IVF now. Our insurance will cover 3 IVF cycles.

I honestly don't know what we will do. Michael and I didn't have time to talk about any of this today, as we both had to get to work after the appointment. IVF has a much better success rate, but it is also much more invasive. I might do a separate post about what IVF involves, as the RE went through that with us today too.

And, of course, the hormones rage on. I nearly started crying today twice for no good reason. Once during our consult and then again during our management team meeting where we were discussing a case where a 3 year old had broken ribs, broken leg, fractured skull, etc. Yes, it's sad - but I hear these things ALL THE TIME. Pull it together, man!

So whatever we do, I think I need a break from these hormones to get some of my normal self back. Of course, I'm hoping we won't have to make the decision at all! However, I think we need to have a plan in place just in case.

The Deed is Done

Well, that was it. The 3rd and final IUI. This one actually hurt a little - althought it was so fast, it didn't really matter. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. I don't know how I'm feeling right now. Excited that this might be the one; scared that this might be the one; doubtful that this might be the one - since nothing is any different this time. I'm going to stick with hopeful, though. I need to just realize that I can't protect myself from being shattered when I start my period / get a negative blood test. I have to go into this with hope - I just have to.

On another note, I finally got the results from my bloodwork for my Thyroid - to see if the dosage was right. I had to get the lab to mail it to me since my primary care doctor seems to be incompetent and lost the results. (If anyone in No.Va. has any primary care recommendations - I'm looking.) Anyway, on the 25 mcg of Synthroid, My TSH was still at 4-point something which was still high, so we doubled the dosage and now...(drumroll, please)... it is down to 1.4!!! I'm planning to ask the RE about it tomorrow when we have our consult. From the research I have done, that is the ideal number for women with Hashimoto's to get and stay pregnant. Yahoo!!! Another reason to have hope.

FYI - I added a link over to the left about thyroid disease and infertility if you are interested.

I'll probably post again tomorrow after our consult.

We're On

During the ultrasound this morning, the technician said "There's the baby-making follicle" as she was measuring. The follicle she was referring to was 19.6. There were some others that were between 12 & 15, but she and the doctor agreed that the 19.6 one was "it". The doctor mentioned that there was just as much likelihood that I'd get pregnant with 1 egg as with 3. I didn't realize that! You learn something new every day. I think there's something about after one egg fertilizes, it starts releasing hormones that stop the others.

The bottom line is that we trigger tonight and our 3rd (and final) IUI will be on Tuesday. It just seems really fast since it hasn't even been a week since I started my period. I guess upping the dosage of the drugs helped the eggs grow more quickly. We have our consult about IVF on Wednesday - which will be good to have a back-up plan if for some reason this cycle doesn't work. I don't mean I won't be sad, but it will be nice to know there is a plan.

Think good thoughts for us on Tuesday!

Common Thread

The waiting room at Shady Grove was packed this morning. I didn't have a magazine, so I was looking around at the other people who were there. I found myself trying to find a common flaw in all of us. Looking for what it was that was wrong with us that we were all still childless. Infertility seems to spare no one. There were people of all races, a punk rock chick, a preppy uptight looking lady clutching her husband, heavy ladies, skinny ladies, tomboys, and girlie-girls. I guess that is somewhat comforting, but I'd feel better if I could just figure out what was wrong - with me, with any of us in that room.

They had trouble getting blood this morning. I swear, if I hadn't been sitting down I would have passed out. She was digging around in my arm with the needle to try to get the vein. It didn't hurt or anything, it just made me get weak in the knees. I get a little dizzy just thinking about it.

The nurse said my follicles were "all over the place". Apparently, I have a bunch of little ones, but I have one large one on my right side (13.1 mm) and 3 bigger ones on my left side (17.3, 12.5, and 10.8). My estrogen levels were good (if they were low it would indicate that my ovaries wouldn't be able to release any of these developing eggs) - the estrogen levels should be in line with the number and size of the follicles, which they are. They want me to continue my shots tonight and then come back tomorrow for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. They couldn't get a reading for the luteinizing hormone (LH) from my blood from today for some reason. They need that because a LH surge would indicate that I was getting ready to ovulate - and we'd have to work fast!

After my appointment, I went to the gym looking like some sort of drug addict or hospital escapee with gauze and tape on both of my arms. I decided I didn't really care! Anyway, I'll update you all again tomorrow afternoon/evening on the follicle situation and the next steps.

Back on the Bandwagon

Sorry I haven't updated you all this week. We are back in the game. This will be our last IUI before moving to IVF (petri dish method). We have a consultation with the doctor to discuss our options (mainly IVF) next week. They said it was good to do that mentally before your last IUI so that you know you do have options and you aren't hanging all your hopes and dreams on that cycle. Makes sense.

So - the Day 3 ultrasound Wednesday showed that I already had one follicle on each ovary. They were either follicles or cysts, but even if they were cysts, they were so small that they weren't concerned about them. The doctor said my ovaries and my uterine lining look great. They have no idea why last time didn't work - but there's only a 20% chance each time anyway. They upped my dosage of Follistim this time - that's the shot in the stomach that makes me produce more & better quality eggs. I go in for another ultrasound & bloodwork to see how I am responding tomorrow morning. Hopefully I have a few really good quality eggs and not a bazillion sucky ones.

My acupuncturist was really sweet - he said he thought last cycle was it and seemed genuinely bummed that I wasn't pregnant. I told him that Monday was a pretty emotional day for me. When he was done putting the needles in me, he put some needles in my forehead and kind of whispered - these are for emotions. This time I had them in my wrists & feet again, but also my inner ankles and inner shins to nourish the follicles to help them grow. He didn't put the needles in my ear this time, BUT (here's the coolest part) - I now have ESP's - Ear Seed Pods. Pretty Star Trekish, huh? They are basically little balls (seeds) that are on what is like a little square band-aid. They are stuck on the 2 points in my ear where he usually puts the needles. I keep them on for 2 days and press on them for about 15 seconds every 2-3 hours. He said they help regulate my energy. I am just fascinated by all this. Not sure if it works, but at this point, I'll try anything.

Many of you have told me that you just don't know what to say - or are worried about saying the wrong thing. You don't have to say anything at all. Knowing that you care and are rooting for us makes all the difference. It really does. And I don't mind questions at all - so ask away. Now get to thinking positive for us for this last IUI! I'll update tomorrow with - what else? - the follicle report.