I Lied.

I told you all that I hadn't let myself think about having a positive outcome from this IVF.

I lied to you. I had.

It was so subtle, so unconscious, that I guess I didn't even realize I was doing it. (I know this stuff doesn't sound unconscious, but I guess this is me not thinking about something. If I were truly thinking about it, I'd probably have nursery furniture picked out.)

I thought about names, filing away mental notes whenever I heard someone call out to a child in public - Darcy, Carter, Lucy...

I weighed myself for the first time during this IVF cycle right before my beta. You know, so I would know my pre-pregnancy weight.

I thought about what sort of bathing suit I'd need to wear at the beach since I'd be 4 or 5 months pregnant.

I thought about being in my brother's wedding in September with a big ol' happy belly.

I wondered where I would go to pump at work since I work in a cubicle.

I wondered if my sister still had any maternity stuff she'd let me borrow since I'd be roughly a year behind her.

I thought about Harper having a cousin just under a year younger than her and hoped they would be as close as my sister and I are.

I thought about what I'd post here - how I'd post the news of a BFP. Because I know so many of you who read are still striving for it and the last thing I ever want to do is to hurt anyone.

But I didn't need to worry about any of that.

I guess I just never believed that I wouldn't be able to have a baby - somehow, some way. Since this was our last shot, it HAD to work. Apparently, not. I'm kind of laughing at myself because I'm remembering one of our roommates from college, Becky. She got married right after we graduated and had the reception in her parents backyard. Her dad built a beautiful deck specifically for the occasion and the weather was gorgeous. I remember asking her what she would have done if it had rained and she just smiled and said, "It wasn't going to rain. It was my wedding day." At the time, I envied her for her faith. Now I realize that I must have had it too. The only difference was the outcome. Just because you have faith doesn't mean you get what you want.

Yesterday, I kept waiting for the nurse to call me back and tell me that she had mixed up the results. That I really was pregnant, after all.

Then, I woke up at 3 AM with a start and a thought that yesterday had just been a bad dream. I wish that's what it had been. I tossed and turned the remainder of the night. The thought of getting up and going to work like everything was normal finally made me hysterical. I just couldn't bear it. Let me tell you - I'm a vision of loveliness today.

And today, for some reason, nearly EVERY freaking store or website that I get an e-mail from chose to focus on Mother's Day. (Shouldn't we still be focusing on Easter & Passover right now?) Mother's Day cards, Mother's Day flowers, Mother's Day jewelry, Mother's day crafts. I got a survey for new moms. I even got something from Fairfax County about their new website for expectant mothers. Well thank you. Excellent timing.

But amongst all those annoying "you will never be a mother" reminders flashing neon in my face, I also had some wonderful, kind, thoughtful words from friends. I know half of them don't read this blog, but they all mean so much. And while they do make me cry initially, they also help me to feel loved and comforted and cared for. Truly. I know that there is nothing to say in this situation. I know you all want to help, but don't know how. I don't know how either. Just know that your kind words do help. So thank you.

I know I'll find a way to be okay. It will take time. It's only been a day and I'm already so over being sad. But I can't help it, so I'm just trying to go with the flow. If I've learned anything at all through all of this crap, it's that. Go with the flow.