Jinxes

Normally, I'm not a very superstitious person. However, I have been scared to post. I didn't want to jinx things.

I've been spotting since Tuesday. I've been fully expecting my all-out period every minute of the past 4 days. I've been scared to actually type out the words that it hasn't come yet because I just KNOW that as soon as I write that, BLAM.

I traded voice mails with my nurse this morning. Since I started spotting, my mother has been on me to lay down. I've kind of been in the "what will happen will happen" camp, since I've spotted before and they've never told me to stay off my feet. Last night, Michael suggested I call my nurse and just ask her about it, so I did. To my surprise, she said "it can't hurt" and reminded me that spotting is normal with the progesterone suppositories.

So, now I'm back at home on the couch. Because if you tell me something may have the teensiest impact on whether this thing sticks or not, you can bet your ass I'm going to do it.

But part of me still feels like I'm delaying the inevitable. I do have some hope - and will continue to until one of 2 things happens - (1) I get my period or (2) I get the call from the nurse after my beta that starts with "unfortunately...". Until then, I'm trying to hold out hope.

When I started spotting, I realized that I haven't allowed myself to even THINK about the outcome of this IVF. It got me a little panicky because I don't feel prepared for either outcome. But are you ever really "prepared" for something so emotional - either way? So, I think this is progress for me. NOT thinking about the outcome.

Although, as I write this, I'm fearing I've jinxed it already... Let's hope not.