I don't have any real IVF status update except that I started Lupron on Saturday night. No hot flashes yet! I'm sure they'll wait until the most inopportune time. But - I've had this stuff rolling around in my head for a few days now and figured I had better just get it out there.
I had a moment of clarity with my therapist last week, but before I tell you about it, I have to back up to before Christmas. I have been wanting to take this Yoga for Fertility series for awhile now, but the problem is that it's offered during the week far away from me. For those of you who know DC traffic - I'd have to get from Fairfax to Shady Grove by 6:30 or 7 PM. Not happening. Anyway, they offered a 3-hour workshop on a Saturday right before the holidays, so I took it as a little present to myself. I was SO looking forward to it. 3 hours of restorative, relaxing yoga? Heck yeah. While it was a good class and I did get something out of it, it was also a little traumatic. At the beginning, we went around and said a little about ourselves and our fertility journey. No one there had been trying for longer than 18 months. Most were starting their first fertility treatment. I went last. As you can imagine, there was collective gasp in the room when I said I'd been trying for almost 4 years and we were moving on to our 3rd and last IVF. I was all of their worst nightmares. And I felt bad about it. I felt like I was dashing all of their hopes. During part of the meditation at the end, the instructor was telling us to imagine the feel of our infant in our laps. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I just kept thinking - "but I might NEVER feel that!" So, yeah, not as relaxing as it could have been.
Anyway, I was relating this story to my therapist. I should mention that one of the things I like about her is that she's no fan of The Secret. I'm all for positive thinking, but I just don't buy into the whole "movement" about it being the be-all end-all - and she's right on board with me. So she talked to me about that reaction I had during yoga and called it "my protector" talking. She suggested thinking of her as a person, a protecter and thanking her when those negative thoughts surfaced - saying "thank you, but I don't need you right now". I liked it. It feels concrete. It validates my feelings / thoughts as real and normal, but unneccessary. So I don't beat myself up for the negative thoughts (i.e. maybe the reason you aren't pregnant is because you don't think you actually can be). Thinking positively feels a little naive right now - or kind of like denial. It feels better for me to think about how I will be okay no matter the outcome of this IVF. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my job. I will be okay.
It was just a really good image and method for me, so I thought I'd share.
I'd also like to clarify on the running during IVF thing from the last post. (My sister was concerned I'd gotten a little obsessed with the running.) I was hoping I could continue running up to the point of the embryo transfer (please don't ever call it implanatation - if they could implant it, I'd likely have a kid already). I wouldn't do ANYTHING to jepoardize this IVF working. I think I'll be flat on my butt as much as possible after transfer and before the beta, and if it's positive - for quite awhile thereafter. Speaking of running... tonight is 6 miles. Let's hope I can make it!
(p.s. Those 6 miles? Aw yeah. I did it.)
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My therapist started off more "hopeful" than I about our infertility. Had I been in a prior state I would have flown off the handle about his comments and sly smiles that "it will happen for you." I defended reality for a few sessions and finally won him over. It's not about being "positive," I argued, it's about being positively realistic. We know the facts, we know the odds, and knowing you have, at best, a 50% chance at conceiving on one last cycle means you have to be positively ready, willing, and able to accept either outcome because they BOTH are a reality.
For me, I keep going over in my head the reality of my own situation. I have 14 embryos. Realistically half of those will be lost in the thaw process so we should have 3 decent shots at FET. I expect that the odds say 2 of the 3 transfers won't work. I am hopeful that one of them will. Am I positive? No, but logically that makes sense in my head... at least for now. I can't even go there to think about multiple "what if's" but I know I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I'm more about doing things in my life differently not so I can have a different pregnancy test outcome but so I can have a better personal outcome. I don't want to shut down again. I never want to be that angry and hostile again. I never want to feel so isolated and alone. My work on me is less about what I get and more about more about how I get there. It sounds to me like you're on that road too.
Speaking of the newbie IFers... late last year I started coming across IF blogs of women who had started TTC in 2007... soon I'm sure I'll be coming across IF blogs of women who started TTC in 2008. That blows me away. The time sure does get away from you on this roller coaster.
For reals... I think I posted a blog about that
**I** <--- this is me cheering you on from the sidelines, both for your IVF cycle and for your mental health!!
this is kind of-sort of along the lines of my last post (although you summed it up a LOT better than i did - mine still sounded kind of secret-y, i fear). ITA that thinking positively does NOT mean that good things will happen. on the flip side, it also means that having negative thoughts does not mean that is the reason why bad things are happening. i hate it when people say to think positively - it puts way more pressure on you unnecessarily and it totally counterproductive b/c then you stress about not thinking positively. that is why i had to stop the acupuncture/yoga/eastern philosophy IF stuff. it was all about a positive attitude and positive energy. i found it to be a load of crap and it made me feel worse about myself and gave me much more stress.
the fact that you may not be thinking positively about IF but KNOW that, no matter what happens with this IVF cycle, that you have a great husband, family, job, and life and that, eventually, you WILL be okay is not only rational thinking, but also that you are not viewing yourself as a victim (the second point of my last post). that is way more important and productive than thinking positively. that was where i was at the beginning of my last IVF. and i agree that it felt pretty
great to be in that frame of mind.
did i make any sense?
Well said Daisy.
Great advice Allison. I like it.
AND GO FOR THE 6 MILES!!
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