Still haven't come up with a new name for this blog. Something will come to me eventually. (I hope!)
I'm beginning to feel human again. I'm remembering what makes me "me" is not infertility. It sounds rather dramatic, but in a way I really think I'm rediscovering my life.
Tonight, I'm facilitating the first of a series of 8 sessions for survivors of domestic violence. I've never done it before, and I'm kind of nervous - but in a good way. I guess I'm more excited than nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.
This weekend, I did lots of stuff for me. I went shopping. I went running. I went back to kickboxing. I went walking in the sunshine with my step-mom. I drank wine. Michael and I cooked great meals. We helped my friend Tina with the first planting of her vineyard. (Okay, I guess that was really for her, but it was fun, so I'm counting it.)
It's not that I wasn't doing things for myself before, but that cloud of "what if I'm pregnant?" always seemed to be hanging over me. In an odd sense, a weight has been lifted. Odd, right? I can't quite explain it.
I did want to respond to a few of your comments. I still plan to keep up with my on-line friends through their blogs & facebook. Because, even if I'm not still trying to have a baby, you are still my friends. (I'm not that big of a jerk!) It's just that mentally, I can't keep checking a site dedicated to trying to conceive & parenting. So yes, comment away here and I'll be doing the same on your blogs. (I do miss you all!)
So - a couple of funny stories from the weekend. Well, really they are from the vine planting. First of all, if you are interested in following the beginnings of a vineyard, check out Magnolia Vineyards - there's a link to their blog there too. My friends Tina & Glenn had people come out to help them for the first planting of 1850 vines. It was a perfect weekend for it and there were probably about 8-10 of us helping on Sunday. A couple of people brought their kids - who reminded us all of joys of digging in the dirt. "Look! I found a worm! No - TWO worms!!!!" Anyway, the little girl (probably 3-4) who was there was eyeing me curiously for awhile. Here's how the conversation finally went:
Little Girl: "Are you Caitlin's mom?"
Me: "Nope" (Mind you, there are no other little girls there...)
Her: "Are you SURE?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Her: "Well then, who ARE you?"
Me (in my head): "That is a really good question and I am very thankful you didn't ask whose mother I am..."
Me (out loud): "I'm Tina's friend."
Her: "Who's TINA?"
Me: Pointing to Tina, "she's the one we're helping with all this planting."
Her: (clearly unsatisfied) "You look just like Caitlin's mom. Are you SURE you aren't Caitlin's mom?"
Cracked me up. Caitlin is a girl at her pre-school. How I'd love to see what Caitlin's mom actually looks like. Because I'm not sure this little girl actually believed me that I wasn't her.
The other story from the day was my ineptitude at sunscreen application. I neglected to realize that when kneeling and bending over holes in the ground, my jeans were lower than usual. Yes, I have a tramp stamp of sunburn across my lower back. Michael wanted to get a Sharpie and make it into an eagle to post a picture here. Ummm...yeah. That's why he doesn't have access to post on my blog. No one needs to see a picture that close to my crack!
So those are my stories for now. I'm still working on being in the here and now and not off planning the future, whatever that may hold.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
7 comments:
I loved reading your post-planting a vineyard does sounds like fun!! This past weekend was perfect for that kind of thing too!
Funny story about the little girl too!
Hilarious tramp stamp. ;-)
And I completely understand the "Load lifted." It's how I've felt ever since stopping treatments and "finding myself" again a year ago.
Great, now I'm gonna go mess that up by starting over? ugh. I'm dumb.
I'm glad you had a good weekend and have stuck around! (((HUGS)))
The sunburn trampstamp - ha! I think inquiring minds want to see! ;)
You have to keep blogging! I love reading your posts. And, for the record, I'm with Michael on the eagle. I would have loved to have seen it!
Ahh, it's Allison. Allison.
Hi Allison,
Great post and thanks for sharing these experiences.
I'm a physician and former faculty member at Harvard and Stanford Medical Schools. I discovered your blog while looking for the best health writers on the web. I reviewed your posts, and think your writing would be a great addition to the Pregnancy & Fertility Community on Wellsphere, a top 5 health website that has nearly 5 million visitors monthly. If you would like to learn more about how you can join our Health Blogger Network, republish your blog posts and be featured on the Wellsphere platform, just drop me an email at dr.rutledge@wellsphere.com.
Cheers,
Geoff
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