Come On 2009

You know, I hadn't thought about it this way, but having the hysteroscopy and D&C done on the last day of 2008 was kind of appropriate. 2008 was really a crap year for me. The funny part is - I knew it going in. I don't think I quite knew HOW crappy it would be, but I posted about it being a year to "get through". Boy, was I right about that. But we survived - and bad things in 2008 mean that 2009 can only get better. That's why it was good to get that surgery out of the way in the "bad year". ;-)

The surgery went fine. No problems. I was annoyed when coming out of the anesthesia because I just wanted to SLEEP. I had more bleeding than I've ever had before, but that is normal apparently. We came home to a huge box and a cooler on the stoop with my IVF meds - so I'm technically ready. Polyp removed? Check. Meds? Check. Desire to shoot myself up with mood-altering substances? Okay, still working on that one.

Michael made a wonderful dinner tonight out of a cookbook we got for Christmas - Pork Scallopini with Greens & Polenta. It was awesome! I felt bad sitting on my butt playing a word game on his Xbox while he did all the work, but he takes good care of me. We have tiramisu and cannoli for dessert (we couldn't decide) with Prosecco for our midnight toast. Sadly, a toast is all I can do because of the anesthesia today. (I even tried to find some sort of cheap rationalization on the Internet, but it was of no help. Everything said no alcohol for 24 hours.) Since the nurse told me I could do a toast, I'm following her advice. ;-)

I hate to be so down on 2008. Some good things really did happen. Instead of focusing on the bad, here are a few good things from 2008:
- I took up running
- I lost 10 lbs
- I got to spend time with my family at the beach
- I met some wonderful people at the leadership institute in Atlanta whom I feel will be lifelong friends
- We cured my "heartburn" (gall bladder removal)
- Michael came home
- I got a new nephew
- I found a good therapist

Really, the best thing that happened in 2008 was that I learned a lot about myself during the year. I'm not going to list all the things I learned, mainly because I want to spend time with Michael tonight - not spend all night on the computer.

I will sign off wishing everyone a wonderful 2009. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and friendship. Happy New Year!

False Start

After getting a bunch of calls early this morning assuring me that my insurance coverage was all set (from the panicky messages I left yesterday), I finally got up to drink my clear liquids (tea) before the cutoff time and walk the dog.

When Uno and I came back from our walk, Michael said, "Bad news hon - you have to go to work today". While I was racking my brain trying to think of what crisis could possibly have come up at work when no one is really there, he told me that a nurse called to say there had been a mix-up. They were all thinking that yesterday was the 30th, so when they told me my surgery was scheduled for "tomorrow", it was scheduled for the 31st. As my sister said, sure doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in the people who will be doing my surgery!

So, long story short, my surgery will be tomorrow. For real this time. (I hope!) So I guess you all know what my New Year's Eve will involve. Not a whole heck of a lot! ;-)

Oh - and thank you so much for the comments! Especially your story, Damiane'. It makes me hopeful when I hear about someone who has gone through a similar experience. I've been mulling a New Year's post in my head, but I'm not sure if I'll get to it. We'll see...

Just When You Think It Will Be Easy...

So we had the mock embryo transfer today. It has never been an issue before, so I expected an easy time of it today. It has always just been a "check the box" kind of thing - everything looks good, let's move ahead.

Well, today it wasn't.

Today, the doctor saw a uterine polyp. Which is not a big deal, but also not what I was expecting. After he showed me the polyp, he told me not to worry because it was likely not cancerous. Ummm - excuse me? Yeah - wasn't worried about that at ALL until you just mentioned it. I just love how these doctors throw around that word like it's nothing at all. We're going to pretend he never mentioned it. La-la-la-la...

No, he said that if we were just trying to conceive the good old fashioned way and he had seen that polyp, he would have just told us not to worry about it and not done anything about it. He said it probably wouldn't impact implantation, but why take the risk. Given all that we've been through and the fact that this is our 3rd and final IVF, he would not recommend moving forward without removing it. It makes sense to have everything in tip-top shape in there!

The good news is that they can do a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp. Tomorrow. Yep, the OR had an opening, so they scheduled me. No time like the present! Might as well get it over with. My doctor said if we could get it scheduled quickly, it shouldn't interfere with my IVF cycle, so I'm all for that. (I'd say tomorrow counts as "quickly"...) Right now I'm in the process of making sure everything is cool with my insurance company. You know how fun THAT is. Especially when no one seems to be in the office.

Assuming everything is good with insurance, the surgery is scheduled for 12:15 PM tomorrow. Hopefully, THIS will be easy! I'll keep you posted.

P.S. I found out that our karyotyping (genetic testing) came back normal, so no answers there, but it's good to know anyway. Ruling things out is always good!

Gifts

Happy Holidays everyone! I got the best present ever - Michael being HOME. His parents came up and we had a nice visit. We spent Christmas Day at my parents' house and for the first time, we did Secret Santa instead of gifts for everyone. We did one person for a real gift and one person for a joke gift. This was totally the way to go, by the way. It took the stress out of Christmas shopping and was just a ton of fun. We used elfster.com and had the computer generate and e-mail our matches so no one really had to coordinate. Good stuff.

So we are embarking on IVF #3. I kind of can't believe it. I go in for the mock embryo transfer tomorrow. We haven't gotten our results from the genetic testing yet, but that shouldn't be long now. I will start the ovulation predictor kits tomorrow and once I get a positive result, I'll alert my nurse and start the Lupron shortly after that.

It's funny - part of me is excited to start up again, but another part of me likes the ambiguity. If you've ever taken the Myers-Briggs, one of the questions is about whether you like things to be decided or up in the air. I've always had a hard time with that question and now I know why. I like things BOTH ways. I'm ready for this IVF to be over with so that we can know once and for all whether we will have children. On the other hand, I'm terrified for this IVF to be over because I like having hope for the future. The possibility that we will have children is still there if this IVF hasn't happened yet.

But, here we go. I'm embracing the part of me that likes to have things decided.

We just received word of a late Christmas present. Michael's brother, Christian and his wife, Korie just welcomed their second son into the world earlier today. Everyone is healthy and doing well. Happy Birthday, Baby Max!

(edited for formatting weirdness...)

All Clear

HSG #2 - no problem.

If that had been my first one and I heard other women complain about it, I'd think they were giant wusses. Seriously. It was like a day at the spa compared to the first one.

My right tube was clear and the left tube was "slow to spill", but it wound up being fine too. That was the only point that hurt a bit. (For a grand total of about 30 seconds.) So everything looks good. The only thing the doctor said he'd suggest was to do another mock embryo transfer before the next IVF, which we were planning on anyway.

So that's the story. We got a Christmas tree, but have yet to decorate it. I guess that will be what we're doing this weekend! Yay! Once we came home with the tree and the fresh wreath, I put the wreath on a moving blanket (so the needles didn't get everywhere) to decorate it. I swear - as soon as Uno entered the room, she ran to get her bone and immediately claimed the wreath as her own. (By sitting it, not the other way dogs tend to "claim" things. That would NOT have been cute.) It was too cute to yell at her about it, so I got Michael's cell phone and snapped a picture. It's blurry, but you can probably see the wreath underneath her. Later, she was curled up inside it, but she woke up and moved before I could get a shot of that.



She's lucky she's cute.

Newsflash

Denying you are sick doesn't make you get better any faster. I've had a sore throat since Thursday, but I thought - no biggee, just drink some tea with honey and you'll be fine. Well, here we are on Tuesday with me home from work and asleep most of the day. The doctor doesn't think it is strep - just a virus that has to run its course. Michael's orders were a hot bath, tea, chicken noodle soup, and back to bed. Here's hoping that combo helps this thing get out of my system. I'm also adding in a booster of clementines for Vitamin C, but honestly - it's mainly because I love them and they only come around once a year.

I ran a 5K on Saturday morning in the bitter cold with my friend Esther. Probably didn't help with the whole sore throat thing. Amazingly, I shaved another 3 minutes off of my time! I think we were just running faster to get it over with and get to a warm place with coffee. Well, that and the fact that I thought the finish line was closer than it was and kicked it into high gear prematurely. Lesson learned! This particular race was to encourage young girls to get into running, so it was mostly girls in grades 3-8. We didn't quite realize that in addition to a race, it would also include hurdles - in the form of pre-teens stopping in the middle of the course to tie a shoe, say hi to a friend, fix their hair, etc. (And we STILL did better than before!) I've even looked up a training schedule for a 10K, but haven't started it or found a race to set my sights on. But I'm thinking about it.

So Thursday is my repeat HSG. We have to drive up to Rockville and will be fighting rush hour traffic to get home, but it's a small price to pay for a better experience than my last one. (Although, having my fingernails plucked out might be a better experience than my last one...) I had my bloodwork done this morning for the genetic testing. The woman taking my blood said it was a very rare test and asked if I was trying to have a baby. She was Asian and had a very strong accent. Our conversation went something like this...

Her: "How long you been married?"
Me: "5 years."
Her: "Oooooh - you so young. You have, like 6 more years to have baby. Then - maybe not so much."
Me:
Her: "I have friend who try 3 years for baby. No baby. Doctor tell her too much stress. No work. No drive car. She do that for one year and guess what?"
Me:
Her: "Baby BOY!" (as though the gender was the miraculous part of that story)

I told her I didn't think that not working or driving for a year wasn't really an option for me, but thanked her. For some reason, it didn't annoy me. Maybe because she was so darn cute and cheerful. Maybe because I was sick. Who knows. I was thinking about it as I pulled out of the parking lot and nearly got taken out by a mini-van.

Maybe there's something to that no driving thing...

A Plan - Kind Of

Okay, so what is it called when you apologize or repent for something and then keep doing it?

Again - sorry for no update for so long. No excuse.

Michael has had a few interviews which went well, but he is still looking. I think being home all day every day is starting to get to him now, despite being the total homebody that he is.

We had a visit with our fertility doctor this week. He went over where we have been and our plan for the future. When he mentioned that we had been trying to conceive for about 4 years as part of where we've been, Michael said he had no idea it had been that long. Of course, since I still keep track of my cycles for some unknown reason, and we're on Cycle 55, it wasn't exactly a surprise. Since they can't find a single thing wrong with either of us, it leads them to believe there is likely a genetic issue with our embryos. However, since our embryos don't seem to make it past Day 3 after egg retrieval, they can't do any testing on them.

We are doing some additional testing on both of us, but realistically, the doctor does not expect to find anything. But - we all feel like since this is our last shot at conceiving, we might as well rule out everything possible. I will have a repeat HSG (hysterosalpingogram) where they shoot dye into your uterus and tubes. The doctor doesn't think I have a blockage, but wants to make sure my tubes aren't dilated - which could cause implantation issues because of fluid seepage. If one or both of my tubes are dilated, they can remove them or block them before the IVF. Neither of which sounds particularly fun. The other test we are doing is karyotyping for both Michael and me, which is just a blood test that shows any chromosomal abnormalities present in either of us. The chances of finding anything are less than 5%. If they DO find anything, the next step would likely be egg or sperm donation, depending on which one of us has the chromosome issue.

We have done one timed intercourse cycle, 4 IUI's and of course, the 2 IVF's. I responded better to the first IVF cycle, so the plan is to go back to that protocol, skipping the birth control beforehand and upping the dosage of meds. Hopefully, that will result in higher quantity and quality eggs.

First, though, we'll do these tests and if everything is a-okay, we'll start the Lupron with my next cycle and then do IVF in late December / early January. I'm trying to keep it all flexible and fluid in my head because as most of you know, once I have a plan I have a tough time deviating from it.

Go with the flow, Allison, go with the flow.

Bad Blogger!

I've been a bad blogger. Once it gets to be so long since I've posted anything, I feel a little paralyzed because - where do I start?

But I have a good excuse for being a blog slacker - MICHAEL IS FINALLY HOME!!!

I guess I should start where I left off. After my last post, I flew to Alabama for the end of the campaign and the election. Michael and his parents picked me up at the airport and we immediately headed to - I am not making this up - the National Peanut Festival. It was actually very fun - similar to a State Fair, only with more focus on, well... peanuts. For those of you who don't know me - I don't really eat much meat. Not only did I eat a corndog that night, I STOOD IN A HUGE LINE for that corndog. And you know what? It was damn good.

The remainder of the week was a bit of a blur. Before election day, we did some last minute campaign stuff - fish fry, election night rally, etc. The morning of election day, we stood in an intersection in our campaign t-shirts holding signs and waving. I noticed that people are polite to your face and then stick their tongues out when they think you can't see them. I busted several people doing that to Michael.

Election night, Michael gave me the job of entering the votes into a spreadsheet (a perfect job for me - I am a total Excel dork) as the calls from the precincts came in. Which would have been fun, had we won. It was close the whole time. We kept waiting and waiting on this one precinct that was supposed to go heavily for Michael's candidate. We ended up losing by 0.6%. They do an automatic recount at 0.5% - of course. Once it was clear that he was not going to win, I thought I was going to throw up. I had to go to the bathroom and give myself a pep talk. We knew that losing was a possibility, but we never thought it would actually happen. That isn't what was supposed to happen. How could Michael and I have spent this much time apart for this NOT TO TURN OUT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO? (I'm pretty sure that's incorrect grammar, but whatever.) So I should probably be used to things not turning out like they're supposed to by now. I guess I still haven't learned that lesson.

The remainder of the week, we had to go clean out our old car - which was totaled, buy a new car (thanks to a generous loan from Michael's parents), work on the resume, clean out the campaign office, and say goodbyes. Michael has spent the last week recovering from his year of 16 hour days on the couch. Yesterday he said that he was finally able to sleep the night before.

We are spending as much time as we can together - just being. I thought it would be an adjustment having him home after so long, but it just feels so good to be back to normal. The dog not only remembered him, but nearly devoured him with love she was so happy to see him. Of course, I instantly became invisible to her. She brought him every toy she had that first night and dropped them one by one at his feet. He said, "Ummm, did you ever play with the dog while I was gone?". Yeah, thanks for making me look bad, Uno.

So now he's on the job hunt with the rest of the ousted Republicans from the Hill. There's a lot of competition for very few jobs. He has sent out his resume and now we wait and hope and pray.

I have so much more I could say, but dinner is almost ready (another bonus of having Michael home - he cooks!).

Perfectly Normal

After a bit of the run-around, I finally got the pictures from my surgery and got them to my fertility doctor. Initially, the surgeon told my dad that I had significant scar tissue in there. But, according to my doctor, after looking at the photos today, everything looks perfectly normal. I had a small cyst on one of my ovaries, but that was about it. Nothing that would cause infertility. No signs of endometriosis. Which I guess is good news / bad news. While I'm glad I'm "perfectly normal", I would have liked some reason for my infertility. Something we could fix.

I feel like the fact that I have no explainable medical condition causing my infertility gives credence to those who tell me to just relax or that it will happen once I stop thinking about it. It's just frustrating. Because I know that no amount of relaxing or not thinking about it will get me pregnant. But I have no alternate explanation. And the "just relax" suggestion implies that it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. And I know it's not, but when there's no other explanation, it feels that way sometimes.

I guess I need to come to terms with the idea that not everything is fixable. There are some things that are just out of our hands. It's funny - I've gotten there in terms of the election that Michael is involved with, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it fertility-wise. Both things - the election and my fertility - greatly impact my life moving forward, but somehow something that doesn't have to do with my body is easier to say - what will be, will be.

Michael's arm isn't broken from the car accident, so that is good - just badly bruised. He's still waiting to hear about whether the car is totalled. I can't believe that I actually get to see him in a couple of days. I can't believe that this is all about to be over and we can get back to our lives together. Someone pinch me!

Life Happens

Michael was in a car accident.

He's okay - other than a hurt right arm. They don't think it's broken, but he needs to see an orthopedist. He thinks he totalled the car, but since it happened over the weekend, the insurance adjusters (or whatever) haven't looked at it yet.
He was driving the candidate to an event several hours from his parents' house. He was on a highway when a sheriff's deputy pulled out in front of him. Yep - he hit the law. (Sound familiar, A-T?) I'm hoping that teensy fact won't impact the state trooper's report of what happened, but you never know.

I was fine yesterday - worried about him & his arm, but fine. But today I started thinking about how bad this could have been. Michael could be lying in a hospital bed right now. Or worse. I know I can't let my mind go there, but the "what ifs" tend to creep in. Makes the other things I was going to write about seem incredibly superficial and silly. Nothing like a car accident to serve up a healthy dose of perspective.

The creepiest thing about this is that Friday night, I had a dream that I was down there visiting. Michael had decided to drive back up here early, but I couldn't leave for some reason. Then it started getting late and I was lost and hadn't heard from him. I was terrified that he had been in a car accident on his way back. Car accident. Creepy, no?

I just wish I was with him. I hate being so far away. I've always hated being so far away, but when you have something like this slap the fragility of life right in your face, it makes it feel a little more urgent. I feel like we are wasting time. Not so much in the fertility sense of the word, although I certainly feel that too. But I mean more that we are wasting these days that we should be spending WITH each other. I realize that in the span of a lifetime, a year is just a drop in the bucket. But who knows what could happen?

Have I mentioned that I can't wait for all of this to be OVER? One more week. Hopefully we can keep Michael in one piece until then.

Frankenbelly

Today was my first day back at yoga. Yay! I took it easy and didn't do any deep backbends or anything. Wouldn't want Frankenbelly to pop those stitches! The incisions actually look good. Well, compared to what they used to look like. I was pretty self-conscious when my shirt rode up a bit and my scabby belly button was showing for all to see. Luckily, you are supposed to be introspective in yoga, so I highly doubt anyone noticed.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. I had my follow-up with the surgeon on Friday and he said everything looked good and I had no more restrictions on activity. (I was worried they had turned my belly button from an inny to an outy, but phew - it was just the way they had put those sticky strips on to hold it together. (To which Michael said when I told him - "Really? Imagine that - YOU worried about something for no reason..." Smartass.)

To clarify on the no activity restrictions thing, I asked the doc if I could run. He got all excited because he just ran his first marathon last year and was planning on another, but hurt his achilles. I was slightly embarassed to tell him that I was a 5K girl. But we all start somewhere! So, I'm going to hit the treadmill tomorrow. It has been 2 weeks since my last run. Hopefully, I haven't turned to complete jello in that time.

I actually have a lot of things I feel like I could write about. Like the fact that I saw a number on the scale that I haven't seen since I was 18. Or friends that I thought were planning to remain childfree just announced they are expecting. Or that 2 weeks from yesterday, I will be with Michael again - meaning this hellish year apart is almost over. Maybe I'll get to those posts sometime this week...

All Gone!

The surgery went really well. The surgeon told my dad that I had quite a few gallstones in there. So - sounds like a good thing that we removed that pesky gallbladder. The anesthetist was so busy asking me a thousand times if I was over 18 that she forgot to ask if there was any chance I was pregnant. Another nurse caught that oversight and wanted me to take a urine test. I told her that my husband was in Alabama and I'm infertile anyway. That settled that.

They did take some pictures of my ovaries and uterus to send to my fertility doctor. I didn't see the surgeon, but he told my dad that there was quite a bit of scar tissue and wanted to know if I'd had any other surgeries. The only thing I've ever had is egg retrieval. I wonder if that could have caused it?

The hospital was actually wonderful - everyone was incredibly kind and helpful. I've never been so grateful for graham crackers, apple juice, and a recliner that helps you get up in all of my life. I was home with pain pills in hand by about 6:30 or so. Time is a little fuzzy. My dad was with me at the hospital and then brought me home. Then my sister, Ashley came over with groceries and they made Southwestern Chicken Soup for dinner. It was kind of uncomfortable sitting on the couch verbally directing them around my kitchen, but definitely something I could get used to. ;-) We chatted and watched TV and Ash spent the night with me just to make sure I was okay. She also made me breakfast - which Uno stealthily snagged off of the counter.

I have gotten some amazing bouquets of flowers and the house smells wonderful. (Which is a good thing since I'm stuck in it.) My dad came over again at lunch and brought me a salad and some yummy grainy bread from Whole Foods. I'm basically on the couch reading and dozing. Although it seems like whenever I drift off, the phone rings, the doorbell rings, or Uno finds some imaginary thing to bark at. (She is currently trying to get her entire body under the coffee table to get away from the moth that somehow got in.) I think we should have named her Psycho instead of Uno. She got out during one of the flower deliveries - I couldn't hold her, sign the form and hold the flowers at the same time. Luckily, she just wanted the woman to pet her. Oh, and to get in her car and get the hell away from this place.

So, I'm doing well. Thanks for asking. I'm feeling a little bloated and tender, but other than that, I should be back in action shortly. I'm going to take my time recovering though. It's not too often that you have license to lie around for days on end - let alone be encouraged to do it!

30 Days

It is a beautiful day and I REALLY should be doing something outside. I swept the front porch brushed about 8 lbs of fur off the dog out back, but that isn't exactly what I had in mind.

I'm running a 5K tomorrow with my friend, Esther. I'm a little nervous as she used to run track in high school and played rugby more recently. I know I can run the whole thing, but I'm worried she's going to be at a much faster pace than I am. I guess we'll see! I ran twice while I was in Alabama visiting Michael this past week. Since he had to go to work, I just got up at the same time as he did and went for a run. The trip was great. In addition to seeing Michael, his brother's family was in town as well so we got to have fun with them too. I know I'm a little biased, but my nephew, Carson has got to be the sweetest little boy ever. Seriously. I didn't know they even MADE little boys that sweet.

So, only 30 days until the election. That means 30 days until Michael is DONE and can come home to me. This has been the longest year of my life. I'll head back down to AL for the election - and hopefully for a victory party! We don't know how long he'll have to stay for wrap-up type stuff, but hopefully not long.

In other news, I found a new therapist. A friend of mine (who is a therapist) recommended her, so I decided to give her a try. I've met with her twice now and so far so good. She's already gotten me to think differently about a few things. Like - maybe we DON'T need a Plan B before going into IVF #3. I don't know - the jury is still out on that. But it's been good to have someone to question me a little. And point out my analyst tendencies. (It's no coincidence that analyst starts with ANAL.)

My gall bladder surgery is Thursday, 10/9 at 2:30 PM. My little sister, Ashley is kindly going to meet me at the hospital, bring me home and spend the night with me. Thank goodness! I'm actually going to work Thursday morning before the surgery - mainly because I don't want to be sitting around my house thinking about how hungry & thirsty I am. But I can't wair any makeup, lotion, hair product, contacts - so I'll be quite the natural vision of beauty. Ha! So for about a week of the next 30 days, I will be recovering from surgery. Here's hoping that helps this month FLY by.

Well, That Was Fast

The surgeon's secretary called me this morning to schedule the surgery. Already! I realized yesterday that I forgot to ask the doctor the #1 question my doctor-friends Ravi and Chi told me to ask - "How many of these surgeries have you done?" Duh. He certainly sounded like he'd done a lot, but who knows. I speak with authority quite often on things I don't know much about. (Shhh... don't tell.) Anyway, I asked his secretary if she knew and she said that gall bladder surgery was his specialty, he'd been doing it since the mid-80's, and that he was known in the area as the "Lap - Chole King". (The surgery is called a cholecystectomy and it's done laparoscopically.) Not sure I'd want that as my claim to fame, but I certainly want the guy cutting me open to have that as his.

So, she's checking with the hospital, but the tentative date is Thursday, October 9th in the afternoon. I'm sure that means I can't eat anything all day and will be a big grumpypants, but it will also give me the long Columbus Day Weekend to recover. Now I need to find a ride to and from the hospital...

The other thing I forgot to tell you yesterday was that while the surgeon was examining me, he did a breast exam. Odd, but okay, we'll go with it. He asked me if I drank a lot of caffeinated beverages. I told him I cut all caffeine out years ago. He was shocked and said I have very dense breasts which he usually sees in people with a high caffeine intake. Just thought it was interesting that caffeine could be linked to your breast tissue. (And that anyone would use anything other than the word "small" to describe my breasts.) I think he did that particular exam because I had a mammogram years ago and I'm only 35. Guess that is another question I should have asked. Oh well.

Okay, that is the update for today!

Farewell For Now, My Dear Peanut Butter

So I met with the surgeon today, who agrees with the other 2 doctors about the status of my gall bladder. Big shocker there. He put me on a more restrictive diet up until the surgery. (Afterwards, I can eat whatever I want). But beforehand, they want to make sure that the ole GB isn't inflamed or anything so that it can come out laparoscopically. We didn't schedule the actual surgery yet - I have to wait for his secretary to call me in the next 5 business days to do that. But he did say the earliest would be 2 weeks from today. (So of course tonight, I signed up to run a 5K 2 weeks from yesterday. Gotta get the running in while I can!)

The recovery actually does not sound bad at all, and the procedure will take less than 2 hours. And, he said he'd just take some pictures of my uterus and ovaries and send them over to my RE - so that's good. 2 birds with one (gall) stone. Ha!

But seriously, it just sounds like I'll need to get a ride home from the hospital since I'll be on pain meds. The doctor even encouraged walking, so I won't need to board the pup. Shouldn't be too big of a deal - no nursemaids required, provided I stock my fridge before the surgery. ;-)

Saturday, I get to go visit Michael. I can't wait! He mentioned tonight that we're going to a gun show with his candidate after my flight gets in. I can honestly say THAT'S not something I've ever done before! City Mouse goes to the Gun Show. Should be interesting. This is my last trip before the election. 40 more days until all this is over and Michael gets to come home to me. Now THAT, I really can't wait for.

I also have an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. Hopefully, this one won't give me advice on how to get pregnant. She comes recommended by a friend of mine who IS a therapist and she even has experience working with couples dealing with infertility. So, I'm hopeful. I'll let you know how that goes too!

Survey Says...

The gall bladder has got to go.

I had my MRI results sent to both my primary care doctor and the gastroenterologist. They both called me with the same news - liver is fine, gall bladder is not. Well, it is, but apparently I have some massive stones in there and they think that I'll have future attacks. Especially if I get pregnant.

Pregnant, huh? So here is where I'm feeling a little silly. Statistically, I'm not likely to get pregnant. Even with IVF. But I still have that hope that it will happen for me. And how could I go into the final IVF knowing that I might have a gall bladder attack resulting in surgery that would put that little bean at risk? I couldn't - and so it's bye-bye Mr. Gall Bladder. But still, I feel a little silly for having something removed that isn't currently hurting me.

Of course, I'm jumping the gun a bit here because I haven't even met with the surgeon yet - that isn't until the 22nd. But given that 2 out of 2 doctors have recommended surgery, I'm guessing the SURGEON will recommend surgery too. I know, crazy thought.

Michael will still be in Alabama when I have surgery. He would like for me to wait until he is home and can properly wait on me hand and foot. And as tempting as that sounds, I think I want to get it over and done with. I want to be fully healed so that we can do our last IVF in December. Why December? Well, our family has some wonderful news that I haven't shared here. I have nephews and/or a neice due in January and March. Michael's brother Christian and his wife, Korie are pregnant with a new little brother for Carson (who, by the way thinks the best name for his baby brother is... Carson). And my little sister, Ashley and her husband Tom are pregnant with their first. I cannot wait to meet these 2 little additions! I'm not going to lie - it has been a rough year with Michael gone and all this joy going around to everyone else, it seems. But when I think about having neices and nephews to play with, spoil, dote on - I just get all warm and fuzzy inside.

So, December. I want all this fertility crap to be over and done with for their arrivals. Being in the throes of hormonal imbalance when my little sister gives birth to her first child would not be fun. Nor would it make me a particularly helpful big sister. I want to know where we stand in the world of fertility and our potential to be parents. Will it still be hard to welcome these perfect little babies into the world? No question, but at least we'll know the deal with us. And of course, there IS the potential that the IVF will work, and then I can see first hand what I've gotten myself into. ;-)

My mom thinks that Michael and I might need a few months together once he comes back. And she's not wrong. I don't relish the thought of spending our nights together with the hypodermic needle in hand. But my eggs aren't getting any younger and I feel like I've waited long enough already. My 36th birthday is in February. I want a baby. If I can't have one, I want to be done with this and move on. I don't WANT to wait any longer. I don't know. Anyone have any opinions on this? What would you do - go for it in December or put it off until April?

Wow. This went from a post about my gall bladder to an announcement of my family's pregnancies, to a poll about when to do our last IVF.

Lessons & Reminders

"After you get stung, you can't get unstung no matter how much you whine about it."

- Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

I loved this book. There were many things I wanted to quote out of it, but this one I actually thought to mark. It's one I need to remember. Sometimes I like to whine. I like to think I'm the only person on earth experiencing my particular brand of pain. And that just isn't true. Whining about it & feeling sorry for myself doesn't change a darn thing. Infertility has stung me. Even if I do get pregnant at some point, it won't change the fact that I was stung. Nothing will. And that's okay. We all get stung in some way at some point in our lives.

The past few books I've read - Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett, Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert and The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd - have had a similar theme running through them. That theme is about wishing that you could stop time. Which may seem like an odd theme to resonate with me & where I am right now. The characters know that things cannot stay the way they are, but they are so in love with the moment that they want to just live in it forever. They know that where they are in life is temporary. We've all had times like that. I think we tend to see it most clearly when we are loving where we are and the way we are feeling. We forget that it is only transient when we don't love where we are, when we feel stuck. I need to remember that "this too shall pass". It's hard when there seems to be no end in sight, no resolution to your pain. But isn't it true that everything in life is temporary?

So, my recent "lessons read" are that everyone gets stung, and the pain is only temporary. It may not ever go away, but it will ebb. Good things to remember.

*******************************

I spent today with about 15 teenage boys in foster care. For work, I had to facilitate a focus group with them around how we could be better about involving them and their families in our work with them. (I work in child welfare, but not usually directly with the families & kids.) These boys were amazing and terrible at the same time. Intelligent and silly. Tough and so, so vulnerable. While we didn't ask them about why they came into foster care, some of them volunteered glimpses of their stories. One boy said he cried when he was removed from his parents even though he knew they were hurting him. Not one of those boys made fun of him. Not one. I was moved by how honest and outgoing these boys were, despite all they had been through. Sure we had some random rubber band fights, but they are little boys, after all.

Some of them had been recently adopted. Others were still hoping they'd be adopted at some point. And there were those who were just waiting until their 18th birthdays to see their parents again without a judge saying they can't.

These boys reminded me of why I do the work I do. Why it's important to look at HOW we do our work so that these kids get the best shot in life. I can get bogged down with the amount of paper on my desk, the deadlines, the bureaucracy. But it's important work. If I can't have my own kids, I can at least do my best to make sure "the system" actually works for these most vulnerable kids. Another good reminder for me.

The Bon Jovi Days

So if you could pick ANY age to relive, what would it be? 13? Yeah, that is probably last on your list, but that is exactly what I did Saturday night. We had a middle school reunion. Yep - you read that right. Middle school. Who does that? Me, apparently.

And you know what? It was awesome. 2 of these women moved away in the 8th grade and we've all reconnected on Facebook. Several of them were going to be in town this weekend, so we planned a little get-together. We brought old pictures and yearbooks and tortured each other. I won't post any of the old pics (can we say HAIR?!), but here's a shot from the night.


The only thing that would have made the night better was if a) more people could have joined in the fun and b) we had been at a place that played 80's music. We definitely needed some Bon Jovi. Much to my surprise, I was out way too late and had to bail on my day-hike the next day with other friends. I was bummed to miss it, but there was absolutely NO WAY I could go. I hardly got any sleep and was supposed to be at their house at 7 AM for an 8-mile hike. Not happening.

Anyway, other events from the weekend included saying goodbye to my dear friend Mariahna who is moving to Utah, dinner with the rents, new do (see photo - I'm second from the right - tell me it's not too short), working at the shelter, a bit of shopping, and a walk with Uno and my friend Abby (& super-cute pup Venus) who lives down the street but who I haven't seen in way too long. So it was a good, action-packed weekend.

While I'm sad that this weekend signals the end of summer, I'm happy that it gets me one step closer to having Michael home. 64 days until the election.

Smiled On

You know those days where you just feel smiled on?

Today was one of them. Despite the fact that it was cold and rainy. (Well, cold for August...) Several good things happened to me today.

First, I had a wonderful lunch date with one of my parents' friends who adopted her children. I thought I'd be talking with her about their decision to adopt, but we wound up talking mostly about the whole emotional process of infertility. It was great. I know I'm not alone in this - especially with all of you out there in blogland who are in similar situations, but sometimes it can just feel so lonely. And there are times when I feel so freakish for some of my feelings. But talking to her just reminded me that I'm NOT alone. She brought up a really good point - we try to deal with all this rationally. And it's not rational. It's emotional and biological and, well basically animal. I am a very rational, logical person - so thinking of something in any other way is really hard for me. But I think it's helpful to remind ourselves that logic and reason DO NOT APPLY in the land of infertility. I have those days where I feel like I truly hate random strangers (who are doing the heinous thing of walking around pregnant and adorably happy) - and then I beat myself up for feeling that way. But guess what? Sometimes SHE feels that way - even still! And she's a grandmother! So that made me feel more like a normal human than some horrible jealous she-devil.

The second good thing that happened to me today is that my friend Anita called me. She's the one I met on that trip to Georgia. I haven't talked to her since we were there last month and she's just one of those people that has the knack for putting things in perspective. She also shared some of the nice things people said about me after I left. Nothing like getting compliments out of nowhere to make a person feel good!

The third good thing happened at the gym, of all places. I take a core strengthening class on Thursdays and the instructor started chatting with me about where I got my workout pants at the end of class (lucy - awesome store). She is a talker and makes class go by REALLY fast because she is telling us funny stories the whole time. Before I knew it, we were talking about infertility. I honestly don't know how. And she said some of the usual annoying things (if you adopt, you'll get pg - maybe it's from stress, etc.), but I guess I must just be used to that at this point. Because it didn't really bother me. I was more impressed that she wanted to talk about it and may have even brought it up (since I can't remember!). It just made me feel good - I guess because she treated me as a person rather than a pariah or someone to be pitied.

And I'm totally PMSing, so any of these things should have made me extremely emotional. Usually right before my period, even talking about infertility sends me over the edge into tears. I guess I saved all that emotion for Obama's speech tonight. I know many of you don't agree with his positions/policies, and I don't usually post political stuff here, but I was just so moved by the sheer history of it all. That this is the first time an African-American has officially been nominated to run for President. Just awesome.

Gall Bladders & Gatorade Bottles

Well, I finally got the call about the CT scan results.

No bad news - just inconclusive news. Which, don't get me wrong, is WAY better than bad news. It's just frustrating.

They didn't see anything on my gall bladder. They confirmed the gall stones, sludge (lovely) and gall bladder wall thickening, but didn't see the mass they saw before on the neck of the gall bladder. Hmmmm - a disappearing lesion, I guess? Or maybe they thought they saw something where there was nothing - just the wall thickening.

The lesion on my liver was too small for them to tell what it is (it's only about 1/3 of an inch). (I said it was on my kidney before, but I was confused. It's my liver.) So that was inconclusive. But little is good.

Anyway, we ultimately decided that I would continue to follow a low-fat diet to minimize any chance of another gall bladder attack and do a follow-up MRI in 3 months to double-check both the gall bladder and the little thing on the liver. (That would be more conclusive than the ultrasound or CT scan.) I'm still going to go to my follow-up doctor's appointment next week with the doc who originially saw me who has been on vacation. I just want her to stay in the loop and it will actually serve as a second opinion on the plan we came up with today.

So that's the update!

Oh, and Uno has redeemed herself as my watchdog. The past 2 nights, she has been on high alert - barking incessantly around 2 AM at the kids hanging out on the path behind our house. I have no evidence that they are kids, but we did find some Gatorade bottle bongs on the path this morning. Would you believe that I've never seen one? I'm so sheltered. I now have the non-emergency number for the police, so if I hear them again - I'm calling. I just didn't want to call 911 for noise, or wake-up enough to look up what # to call at 2 AM. Yes, kids. I'm that crotchety old neighbor ruining all your fun.

Stigma

I guess after reading this article, I should be thankful that I don't have to sneak into the fertility clinic under the cloak of darkness...

In Africa, Hope for the Stigmatized: Fertility Clinics

So, is it wrong that my very first thought was NOT that I should be thankful I was born in America - it was, "I wonder where I could find a dead sparrow..."?

On a serious note, I AM thankful that women in many countries have other purposes besides child-bearing. But at the same time, I still feel like women ARE stigmatized for not having children, even here in the great U S of A. Think about it - what's one of the FIRST question people ask when you first meet them?

"So, do you have kids?"

It's a conversation starter - because most people say yes, then you chat about the kids and how old they are and what they're doing, etc. But when you say "no", people are stymied. They don't know how to follow that up and so I've had mostly inappropriate responses to that answer. I've had someone actually turn around and begin talking to someone else - making me feel as if I truly had nothing to offer. I've had someone begin just talking about their own children - implying they didn't really care about my answer in the first place. I've had someone ask me if I just didn't LIKE children. I've had someone ask me directly "why not?" - which isn't exactly an easy question to answer. And of course, there are those who give you the pitiful look and then try to fix it by giving you ridiculous advice like telling you to just relax or go on vacation or telling you about their friend who did XYZ and got pregnant.

It's not okay to not have children. Not here, not in Africa, not anywhere. And while women do more here than just reproduce, there is still a stigma if you are a woman, but not a mother. Having children is still an expectation. There's a wonderful woman I work with who has a painting in her office of a mother with child that says "I'm a mother, therefore I am." So I guess I'm... not?

A quote at the end of the article really struck me describing the society and their perception of women as property:

"Like a table with one leg gone wobbly is a useless table, if a woman cannot produce, she is a useless woman."

I am thankful that I am not seen as property. I am thankful that I can have a career, a fulfilling life without children. I just don't think we are as progressive as a society as we'd like to think. Sadly, I identified with the women in this article. And I think there's part of me that feels like a useless table, even if no one is directly telling me that.

Wuss

No news on the CT scan yet. But I discovered that I'm a wuss. (Some of you are probably not surprised by this discovery, but humor me here.)

My neighbors got robbed. While they slept. And it's totally freaked me out.

Now, I live in a townhouse and share a wall with these people. They went to bed and left their windows open since it's been so unbelievably beautiful around here. And we THOUGHT we lived in a relatively safe neighborhood. (I mean, aside from the gang graffiti and all...) The robbers - I guess they were technically "burglars", but who really cares what we call them. Anyways, the Bad Guys opened the noisy gate to their backyard, walked up onto their wooden deck, and cut the screen out of their window to get into the house. All they took was a wallet, went through the house and out the front door, depositing the empty wallet in the bushes on their way. All this happened sometime between midnight and 6 AM. While they slept. That is the part that is freaking me out.

I have a dog. I've never worried about someone breaking in, because my dog lets me know if there is any kind of intruder - including any of the insect variety. Now I'm worried. She sleeps on an ottoman that is next to our window that is basically right above where the Bad Guys broke in. This perch is her lookout over all of the woods behind our house. This dog goes mental whenever the neighbors set foot on their deck. But Bad Guys? Apparently, she can't be bothered.

Last night, I slept with the bedroom door locked. Well, I didn't really sleep. Partly because I'm a wuss and partly because Uno's stomach was upset. (She was trying to eat the carpet and any plants she could get to like she was on a mission.) She kept scratching the door to go outside. Dog - you are smoking crack if you think I'm going to set foot out back where those Bad Guys were mere hours ago in the middle of the freaking night so that you can get your fill of grass to puke up once we get inside. She settled down after I convinced her that the berry flavored Tums are just as delicious as the mint flavored ones. Don't ask.

So, now we are having to alter our routine and it's irritating me. I've turned into some sort of OCD freak making sure all the doors and windows are locked about 6 times a day. We don't go for walks and leave the door unlocked like we used to. And I find myself checking everything when I either get up or come home to make sure no one has been in here.

I've got to go to Home Depot and get a key lock for our french doors on the back of the house. They currently have one of those turn locks that someone could just punch the glass out and turn the lock and come on in. Since it would be the sound of glass breaking and not a squirrel barking, I'm pretty sure Uno wouldn't notice it. I've been saying we need to replace that lock since we moved in 5 years ago. It just moved higher on the priority list. I'm teleworking tomorrow, so maybe my lunch break will really be a Home Depot run and lock replacement break.

I just hate not feeling safe in my own home. And I hate that I think I'd feel safer if Michael was here.

Belly Full of Barium

Mmmmmm...Barium....


I had my CT scan this morning to check out the weirdness they spied on the ultrasound of my gallbladder last month. Whoever named the flavor of that stuff "banana smoothie" has never had a banana smoothie. It actually wasn't as bad as I expected. It tasted like that fake banana flavor in that candy from the 80's that I used to LOVE. (Well, with the exception of the bananas in it...) Anybody remember Runts?

I was told that the doctor should call me within the next 3-5 days, but after the u/s, she called me the next day, so I'm expecting a call sooner rather than later. And I'm expecting that call to be, "everything's fine". The technician read the report from my u/s and said - "oh, this isn't a big deal - they just have to rule things out so you don't sue them later". So I'm not worried. I may still go in to see the original doctor that saw me and ordered the tests in the first place to get her thoughts on the whole heartburn / gallstones issue once she gets back from vacation - I think she gets back next week. The technician did give me a CD with both my ultrasound and CT scan images on it. Of course, as soon as I got to work I popped that baby into my computer and promptly understood why people go to school for extended periods of time to learn how to read these things. So I have all the images, I just have no idea what they mean.

So last night was the monthly dinner with The Girls. We are a group that has either lived together, gone to college together, or both. We've been tight since then. There are 10 of us who make up The Girls, but only 6 are local. So the 6 of us (or some subset) try to do dinner once a month. I always look forward to it - but even more so now with Michael gone. I think the waiters always have to wait for one of us to finish talking. Last night, it was suddenly 11 PM before anyone noticed the time! The Girls know me and understand me better than most people - and love me just the same. We're all dealing with different things in our lives, but it's so nice to have that network of support. While we each might not know exactly what the other is going through, we support each other through it all. I love that. I'll get to see even more of The Girls at our Annual Girls' Beach Weekend coming up in a couple of weeks. That will probably warrant a post of its own.

I'll keep you posted on the CT scan results, but I'm fairly certain it's nothing. (And then I can say, "told you so!")

Misnomer

Since April, this blog hasn't had a thing to do with follicles. It's more of an update on the physical and mental health of Allison. I hope at some point to get back to talking about follicles. But not now. Yesterday marked the beginning of Cycle #50. (Fifty - that even SOUNDS wrong.)

Moving on, I realized that many of my posts are when I'm feeling needy or down. It's like I use this space to vent - it's my therapy. After all, what is therapy but a time to realize and express your feelings. The blog is just saving me time off work and $100 / hour. But I realize that reading my inner-most thoughts of sadness and despair can make some of you worry about me. I know telling you not to worry is like telling me not to be upset that I'm infertile. But writing about my feelings helps me. I do plan to find another therapist. Honest.
My plan is to shop around for a good therapist before Michael comes home. We are going to need to see someone together in order to decide on Plan B. Although, maybe with our history, Plan B should really be considered Plan A - because let's face it... the odds are not great on this last IVF working. So, we'll have to figure out if we want to look into adoption or decide to live child free. Right now, Michael doesn't want to do the former and I don't want to do the latter. So clearly, a therapist is a necessary thing for us. (And probably a good thing for me in the meantime.)

Since I'm usually writing about sad feelings, I figured I'd tell you about some good feelings I had today. Uno and I took a long, wonderful walk tonight. The sky was incredible. I wish I'd had a camera, but I don't think pictures could have captured it. There were storms in neighboring jurisdictions, but our sky was bright blue with HUGE puffy white clouds. It was the kind of sky that made you want to lay in the grass or spin around like when you were a little kid and look up. The clouds started to turn pink around the edges, and that's when I noticed the sunset on the horizon - the sun was this bright burnt orange sphere sinking into a sea of pink. It was beautiful and peaceful - the kind of evening that just makes you happy to be on this earth.

Counting Sheep

Now that I'm back in town, I can't seem to go to sleep. I guess I got used to having Michael next to me again over the past few days. (I'll do a post about the trip later.) This long distance thing sucks, if I haven't mentioned that before. 91 days left.

My CT scan is Tuesday, 8/12 for those of you who were curious. I actually feel fine, so that is good. We just need to check out those pesky lesions.

I even did yoga tonight. And I'm tired. I should really be able to sleep.

Take It With a Margarita

My new doctor apparently hasn't been in the office much this week. I played phone tag with another doctor until this afternoon when we FINALLY connected. This other doctor wasn't worried about the gallstones. She said, "we won't need to do surgery since you aren't having any symptoms".

Ummmmm....hello? The symptoms are why I went to the doctor in the first place!

She explained that I could have had both heartburn AND the gallstones. So, I can go out of town as planned and just try to control any pain through diet (no fat). I've been doing that the past couple of days and it's worked pretty well. Of course, trying to eat a low-fat diet in the deep South might prove to be a greater challenge.

As a side note, Meghan commented on the last post that lots of bloggers are having this gallstone issue. Apparently, it's very common for women to get them after having their first child - something about the hormones. While I haven't had a kid, I HAVE been pumping myself full of hormones, so that kind of makes sense. Because literally, that is the ONLY explanation for me having gallstones. The only other risk factor I have is being female.

But, this other doctor wasn't calling me about the gallstones. She wanted to order more tests because there were "lesions" on my gall bladder and kidney. She said they aren't that worried about the kidney because it's just a "1 sonometer mangionoma" (or something). Oh right. Of course. Silly me. When pressed, she told me that meant it was just a small benign mass of cells. She wants me to have a CT scan for the one on the gall bladder, though. (For those of you who like to worry - I'm sure everything is fine, honestly, but I want you to understand the feeling I had this afternoon.)

She said, "Well, you know how radiologists are..." (No, actually I don't.) "...they think everything is cancer, so take this with a grain of salt."

Okay, did you just use the "C" word with me and then tell me not to worry about it? I'm sorry, but that is just WRONG. To be fair, she also said it could be from the gallstone rubbing against it. (So that is what I'm going with.) And, since she didn't sound worried about it, I'm not going to worry about it either. Because really, what does that accomplish? I did go ahead and schedule the CT scan for right when I come back. When I called to make the appointment, they asked me several times if I was sure there wouldn't be any chance I'd be pregnant. I laughed out loud at that one!

My bloodwork came back mostly normal - no ulcers, no celiac disease, etc. BUT my autoimmune antibody panel (which I didn't even know they were doing) came back elevated and I was positive for anti-nuclear antibodies. Not sure if that's just from the Hashimoto's or not, but I mentioned that I've wanted my RE to do that test (or at least ask if they've already done it), so she was making copies of everything for me and putting them in the mail. She also offered to do further testing if I wanted it.

Wouldn't it be funny if a terrible case of heartburn caused them to figure out why in the hell I'm infertile? I won't hold my breath, but it sure would be interesting.

So on Sunday, I get to go back to Stone Mountain, GA for a few days and then, as a bonus, I get to see Michael again! Hooray! He mentioned that as of Sunday, it will be 100 days until all this is done. 100 days - I can do that.

Or not...

So, I didn't have heartburn.

Or maybe I did, but I had my ultrasound this morning and it is clearly my gall bladder. Very clearly.

U/S Tech: "There's your gall bladder..." (pointing to the screen)

Me: "Oh. So that looks normal, right?"

Tech: "Uhhhhhh - no. It's very enlarged and there's one, no - two stones. Are you SURE it doesn't hurt when I press here?"

I had even thought about cancelling the u/s because I felt fine this AM. Good thing I didn't! I guess the gall stones move around and hurt worse in different places.

So now I just wait for my (new) regular doctor to call me once they get the pics from the u/s to talk about next steps. Stay tuned...

Heartburn

Sorry I just disappeared and didn't tell you all that I would be away. I went to visit Michael in AL for the run-off election. The good news is that his candidate won! The bad news is that I'm still without my husband for another 3-4 months. But, I'll live. I'm actually heading back down south next week for work - and then tacking on some time for a visit with him again. We won't know what to do with each other, having just been together. Well, I'm sure we can figure something out. ;-)

After the election, Michael and I drove about 10 hours to vacation with my family in the affectionately named "cottage from hell" in Atlantic Beach, NC. Seriously - we love this place. It was built in 1935 and I believe that much of the furniture (including mattresses) are from that same era. There's no AC, the rusty springs in the beds poke you as you try to sleep, the bathroom is an addition on the back porch, but... it is ocean front. How could we not love it? I've been going there since I was born, but I think Michael loves it even more than me - if that is possible. I should have gotten a picture of him in the broken-down hammock, as that is where he spent 95% of his daylight hours - getting up mainly for food and bathroom breaks. There's no schedule, that great salt-air carefree feeling, happy hour every day, walks on the beach, fun in the ocean, and incredible produce from the local farm & fresh seafood. My whole family (well, except my step-mom - who secretly loves it, but loves to complain about it more) loves this place. My brother even selected it as the location to propose to his girlfriend, Katy this year. Luckily for her, he proposed before the whole fam-damily rolled in to town. We are all excited to finally have her joining our crazy clan! Every year, we take a family photo on the deck - but my dad takes those, so that means I should be getting it somewhere around Christmas...otherwise, I'd post it so you could get an idea of our view. Have I mentioned that I LOVE this place?

Aside from vacation fun, I've had a serious case of heartburn since the night before the election. Not coming and going heartburn - but pretty much continuous discomfort. I've tried a bazillion medications and nothing works. I have to take Tylenol PM in order to sleep. I went to the doctor yesterday - who did all kinds of bloodwork, wants 3 stool samples (fun, fun!), and scheduled an abdominal ultrasound to rule out gall bladder problems. Bottom line - she doesn't know what is wrong with me either. Sound familiar? The good news is that she asked me in a very concerned voice - "do you realize that you have lost 7 lbs in 3 months?". I wanted to hug her. No, I didn't realize that, but I'm damn happy about it! Although, some of that I'm sure is from having this heinous pain in the middle of my chest and not really wanting to eat. Which means some of it will come back once the pain goes away.

And then there's the other type of heartburn I'm experiencing. I guess that could be called heartache, but then the title of my post would be off. So I'm calling it heartburn. Because it's my blog and I can. (Which is Michael's favorite reason for everything - "because I can". THAT will definitely come back to haunt him if we ever have kids...) Anyway, we have some family friends that go to the beach too. And we've had some pregnancy announcements in our little circle. Which is all very awesome. (Seriously - I am totally happy for each and every one of them.) However, it does contribute to my "left in the dust" feeling. Especially when one of our friends responded to the latest announcement - "That's GREAT! Now everyone is pregnant!" Wow. Could someone remove the dagger from my chest? Thanks. I was doing so great with the announcement. Until that comment. I couldn't stop the tears as I croaked out, "well, not everyone..." Ugh. Then, I beat myself up for being upset and feel worse. It's just this vicious cycle that I can't seem to drag myself out of - happy for them, sad for me, and then mad at me for feeling anything other than pure joy at their announcements. One of my good friends, Lura says - "Allison, people are going to be getting pregnant all the time. You need to get used to that." She's right, of course, but I just don't know how.

So I have this heartburn that is from God only knows what, and then this heartburn from missing my husband, missing the child that we should already have, and trying to be purely happy for others who keep getting what I so desperately want. I'd be happy if Tums could cure any of those.

Quitter vs. First-Born

All my life, I've been a quitter.

I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. It's just that if I'm not good at something, I usually stop doing it. "Practice makes perfect" never really seemed worth it to me. Piano, ballet, riding a bike, driving stick shift (okay, basically anything that required any minor level of coordination) - I just decided that these were things I didn't need to do. So I quit trying to do them.

However, that doesn't seem to apply to trying to have a baby. I'm clearly not good at it, yet I can't seem to give up. Why is that?

It's something I've been tossing around in my brain for awhile now. Why is Michael, the overachiever who has never quit anything in his life, okay with giving up, but I, the self-proclaimed giver-upper, can't seem to wrap my mind around that concept all of a sudden?

I think my other role as first-born, people-pleaser supercedes my role as a quitter. And they actually work together - stay with me here, more on that in a minute. I'm a rule-follower. I do what is expected. I don't like to rock the boat. I value being seen as responsible, reliable, dependable. A woman's role in society is to produce offspring - to leave another generation behind us. How can I quit trying to fulfill that role or expectation that society has of me? How can I possibly get to the point where I feel comfortable giving up on what is supposed to be my biological purpose in life? And honestly, as much as it is about me and how I think of myself - there's also something in there about what others think of me. I feel I'm letting my parents down for not giving them a grandchild. Isn't that what they've been expecting all along? I can't meet those expectations, and that is killing me. That's part of what makes it really hard for me to give up.

So how does the quitter work with the people-pleaser? Part of the reason I would quit anything I wasn't good at was because I didn't want anyone to see my failure. If I just didn't do it, I couldn't fail. If I didn't fail, I didn't have to worry about not meeting expectations. But the drive to have a child is so biological, so innate, and so expected by society. Not trying would be worse in that case than trying and failing (over and over and over again). So here I am. Stuck in that place between contemplating the quitting and desperately wanting to hang on.

I had a dream last night that I pretended I was someone else at the fertility clinic to get them to do treatments on me because they had given up on me as a lost cause. I was hurting their statistics. This isn't true of course, but we really ARE done after this next IVF, so that must have been on my mind. But if they can't tell me what is wrong or WHY I can't get pregnant, how can I trust that I really can't? What if I only need this or that herb or test or treatment? How can I NOT get my hopes up every month only to be devastated once again when I get my period? How can I ever just quit?

Left Behind

That is how I've been feeling lately. Or maybe it's more "life is moving forward and here I am in the exact same place I was 3 years ago, only with less hope". The world keeps changing, but I'm still struggling with the same damn thing.

Getting 3 birth announcements and my embryo report (with a big fat goose egg in the spot for # of embryos frozen) in the mail this week certainly didn't help quell that feeling. The embryo report was very late, given that my last cycle was in April. So I knew the information - it wasn't like it was a surprise. Someone must have just found it and realized they never sent it to us. Just the combo of that bleak report with the joyous announcements of others left me feeling... well, bleh.

Have you ever tried to run in water?

That is what this feels like to me. I feel like I'm in the ocean, trying to get to the pier. I'm running towards it, but I'm not moving. Everyone else is on the beach and they are all getting to the pier with no problem. Heck, some of them are making repeat trips. But I keep running, as hard as I can, and the current is keeping me where I am.

Although, right now - I'm not even running. With Michael gone, it's like everything is standing still. Just waiting for him to come home. And I feel like the longer I wait, the farther I get from ever becoming a mother. But it is what it is. You'd think I would have learned by now how little control I have over anything. I guess old control freak habits die hard.

So here I am. Not so patiently waiting. For I don't know what.

Procrastination

I had a rough week. Work-wise, not infertility-wise. It's one of those times when I just feel like I can't seem to catch up. I've worked a lot of the weekend, aside from having lunch with a friend and doing some household chores. (I was rather proud of myself for doing a few things that would usually be Michael's domain - fixing the toilet and spraying a hornets nest on the garage - without getting stung - quite the accomplishment.)

Although, today I was reminded of my college days. It was always a joke that my apartment was spotless before finals because cleaning was my procrastination tool of choice. Well, today as I sat down to write this grant - I thought, "I CANNOT LIVE ONE MORE MOMENT WITH MY KITCHEN LIKE THIS." So, I had to get up and immediately clean the kitchen top to bottom. Then I had to start some laundry. Productive? Yes, just not exactly what I needed to be doing this weekend.

Does anyone else have any preferred procrastination methods? I guess cleaning is better than drinking heavily.

I've gotten about half of the grant written. I have to have the first draft done by Tuesday PM - and I'm in meetings all day tomorrow. Looks like I've got a couple of long nights ahead. Guess I'd better get back to it. Or wait - I think I hear the dryer buzzing...

Damn Hormones

Just when I think I've gotten to be so well-adjusted...

BAM - a hormonal (not even drug-induced, mind you) moment hits me like a ton of bricks.

Yesterday I went to the Farmer's Market after kickboxing. I saw a girl that I am friendly with at work, but only see her about once a month during this meeting we're both in. I hadn't seen her for awhile for some reason, and I stopped to say hello. She introduced me to her husband and 2 adorable children who all wanted to chatter to me at the same time - including the husband! They were so funny. The husband was in the middle of a story when the little girl (probably around 6) grabs my hand and excitedly says, "guess what's growing in my mommy's tummy?!"

Sucker punch.

I had noticed she had gained some weight, but as (I think it was) Dave Berry said - do not ever infer that a woman is pregnant unless you see a baby emerging from her at that very moment. Given the number of times that my age + an empire-waist top has made people at work speculate on my own status - I didn't let my mind go there with her. Well, that and I don't particularly want to think about other people being pregnant. Anyway - I was surprised by how much this little cherub's pronouncement affected me.

The little girl did tell me she'd only like the baby if it was a girl. Oh, the things I DON'T envy. ;-)

Anyway, I got the reason for my hormonal reaction today - my period. I feel better knowing there is a reason, but when does it get better? It's not even like there was ANY chance that I was pregnant given that I haven't seen Michael since April. Do I just resign myself to feeling this way every month for the rest of my life? Leering at innocent, happy-looking pregnant women like they have done something intentionally and personally to me? Or is it because there is no resolution? Maybe once we either get pregnant, adopt, or decide on a child-free existence - that will serve as some sort of closure for me. I sure hope so. I hate these hormonal moments.

Lesson Learned

I learned an important lesson while conducting a training session this morning.
If you are going to be standing and walking around teaching a course for 4 hours, you probably shouldn't wear these...

I'm not sure what possessed me to put them on this morning. My only excuse is that it was damn early when I had to leave for work. Okay, and maybe the cuteness factor of the shoes blinded my reason. I was literally hobbling around by this afternoon. Needless to say, no running today! In fact, Ashley suggested we go to yoga on Saturday instead of the 5K. I think that sounds like a good idea!

So I think the highlights were also a good idea. I've never gotten so many compliments as I've gotten this week! And it's been a crazy busy week. I heard things like "you look so rested" and "your tan looks great" - clearly an illusion. People asked if I'd been on vacation (ha! exactly the look I was going for. Well, that and fewer grays.)

Today is Michael's birthday. Happy Birthday, Hon. Wish we were together...today and everyday.

The Race

I couldn't title yet another post "I Did It!". But... I did it! The race was great. We had nice weather, although it seemed to get more and more humid the farther we ran. The course was pretty flat and I followed my friend Anita's advice and didn't let any strollers or elderly people pass me. Now, there were plenty of folks in those 2 categories who finished well before we did, but we sure didn't let them pass us. We walked twice - maybe for about 5 minutes total, so that wasn't too bad. I'll keep working on it so that I can meet my goal of doing a 5K without walking at all. In our race packet, there was a flyer for another 5K next weekend, so I'm thinking about it. My running buddy, Mariahna said that this was a one time deal, though - so I'm on my own. It's a little later in the morning, so maybe I can convince my slacker sister to do it with me. (Only joking, Ash!)

One of the coolest things was that my friend (from the 6th grade!), Nichole was there with her husband and they were at the finish line cheering us on. Thanks, Nichole! We beat our goal time by about 30 seconds! Yay us!

After the race, I got my hair cut and highlighted (for the first time since the Sun-In incident of 83 when my hair turned orange). I think I like it, but I'm going to have to see if I want to keep doing it. The gray was just getting a little overwhelming. I was worried I'd develop trichotillomania from all the plucking. How's THAT for a hundred-dollar word? (Confession - I DID have to look up how to spell it, so I probably won't be able to use it in Scrabble or anything.)

I was thinking I'd work out again today, but instead, Uno and I went for a long hike. Thank God we didn't run into any flies.

Neurotic Nancy

No, I’m not referring to myself. (Surprisingly.)

It’s my dog, Uno. Now, many of you know that she is a little…well, “off”. But what I experienced on Monday evening after picking her up from boarding was just plain bizarre.

She was running around the house and kept opening the door to go out in the garage. (Yes, she can open our doors – that’s a whole other story.) She refused to stay in the same room with me and peed on the floor when I was coming to take her out on a walk. I figured she was just mad at me for boarding her for a few days. After our walk, she was panting like crazy and kept trying to dig on the stairway landings. It was one of those unbearably hot days. She wouldn’t drink any water or eat anything – including treats she normally adores. At this point, I start think there is something medically wrong with her and made a note to call the vet the next day. I took a water bowl and put it in the room she kept going into and just left her alone.

That is – until she came sprinting into the living room and up onto the couch (she’s not allowed on the furniture), and then onto my lap – on top of the computer. She is not a small dog – about 30-35 lbs. She was shaking like a leaf. Then she scooted off my lap and buried herself in between me and the other side of the couch. When I tried to make her get down, she snarled at me. (THAT is why she isn’t allowed on the furniture.) I sat on the floor and she came over to me, still shaking like crazy. I was so worried!

When we went upstairs to bed, I noticed an almost dead fly buzzing in the upstairs hallway. She totally freaked.

THAT is what all the fuss was about. A fly. My poor dog has so many issues. (She’s totally fine now, so it was definitely all about the fly.)

So that is what I came home to after a nice relaxing weekend with my friend AT. The beach was great. Definitely some much needed girl-time. We had great weather until it got crazy hot the last day. We even went for a run on the boardwalk on Saturday morning! We were very proud of ourselves. So proud that we justified lots of wine and ice cream based on that one run. ;-)

The race is tomorrow. I wasn’t able to do the longest run in the training plan. I wussed out. Hopefully, I’ll make it through! At least I know I’ll finish even if I can’t run the whole thing. But that’s my goal - to run the whole thing. We’ll see!

I Did It! Part 2

The baby visit was great. Lauren looked amazing and happy and so natural as a mother. It was neat to see her in that role. I thought I would be jealous, but I wasn't. Not because I don't want that, or anything. It's just that her happiness and her wonderful little boy really have nothing to do with my situation and I could fully be happy for her. Again, not sure if it's denial or progress or what, but it felt good. I guess I can at least chalk it up to having a good day. I think it also helps that I'm not cycling and pumped full of crazy-making hormones. I didn't try to hold him, though. I think I would have been okay, but I didn't want to risk it. Sometimes the slightest things turn a good day very bad. And I didn't want to put any sort of damper on our visit.

I'll be away for a little while. As I mentioned, I'm meeting my friend AT her family's place at the Jersey Shore for a spontaneous beach trip. I was complaining that I was not going to have any vacations this year with Michael being in Alabama, and wouldn't you know it - she came to the rescue. So yay for AT and yay for the beach!

I Did It!

Not only did I get up early and make it to the gym, I ran for longer than I ever have! Yay me. 29 minutes of running may not seem like very long to you - but it's a big deal for me. And in the morning, no less. I have one more longer run to do before the race next weekend - I'm thinking that will be Monday. Then, I'll do some easier runs during the week leading up to the main event. My sister bailed on me (the loser), but my friend Mariahna already signed up so I definitely have a running buddy.

I also wanted to note that I have a new link over to the left to the Center for Reproductive Psychology in San Diego for any of you who are interested. The founders of the Center are also the authors of Unsung Lullabies, a great book that several of us were posting reviews about earlier this year. One of the authors, Martha Diamond, is a friend of my aunt's sister (if you can follow that...), who commented on an earlier post. I must publicly admit that I am not the one that initiated the book review, I merely participated in it. Full credit for the organizing goes to the wonderful Dayzofrain. Just wanted to put that out there. I also put a link to the blog of all infertility blogs over there - Stirrup Queens. I realized that while I intentionally do not have a blogroll, Mel's blog is probably the most comprehensive thing I have ever seen. So, I'll share it with those of you who are struggling with infertility and haven't found it yet.

I'll let you all know how the baby visit goes tonight, but for now, I'm feeling strong.

The First Win

So yesterday was the Alabama Primary Election. For those of you who don't know this, my husband, Michael is down there for the year running a campaign for Congress. His candidate came out on top in a 6-person race yesterday - awesome news! However, since he didn't get more than 50% of the vote, there will be a run-off on July 15, so the marathon sprint continues. We are very excited that one election is done - 2 more to go. That's one election closer to coming home.

Speaking of marathon sprints, (or really 5K's), I was scheduled to do my longer run tonight. When I got to the gym, it was closed for the night due to a power outage. Yipes! I kind of freaked out. I couldn't run outside because it was pouring out. I can't run after work for the rest of the week because I have plans (more on that later). So - I've decided that I'm getting up early (so not me), and hitting the gym in the morning and just getting ready for work there. Knowing me, I'll forget something critical - like my towel or deoderant. Or underwear. Or shoes. (Maybe if I list all the things I might forget, I'll actually remember them...)

So my plans tomorrow night. My friend, Lauren had her baby yesterday. (Huge congrats, Lauren & Pete!) We are going to see them in the hospital tomorrow. I am so totally happy for her, honestly. But it dawned on me today that I would be going to see a newborn baby. A newborn baby just like the one I would be giving birth to at about the same time if IVF #1 had worked. Surprisingly, I'm actually feeling okay about it, though. I'm just hoping I'm still okay about it tomorrow when I'm there in the hospital looking at this little miracle of hers. Here's hoping I stay strong. After all, this isn't about me! (Sometimes, I think that needs to be my mantra.)

Then, Friday I'm heading to the beach for a long weekend with a friend. Looking forward to some quality girl-time. I'm thinking that eating, drinking, talking and laying on the beach are must-do's on our agenda. Not sure that running is going to make it in there... It's not like I'm trying to WIN the race next weekend, after all.

What's Interesting Anyway?

I had dinner with Jen, my friend from grad school on Saturday night. We had a nice time hanging out and chatting over pizza & beer. She casually asked if I was updating my blog monthly - a not so subtle hint that I've been a bad blogger! ;) I guess if I updated more regularly, these posts wouldn't be so disjointed and filled with random things.

The thing is that before, when we were going through fertility treatments, I had updates. I had follicle reports to post. Now, it's just my everyday life. Which really isn't all that interesting to read about. Although, now that I think about it, I guess the follicle report really wasn't all that interesting either... I'll try to post more, but I'm not promising "interesting".

I'm actually feeling more like myself than I have in the past 3 years. I started my period on Saturday, but there were no tears around it. No lost hope. Even though the doctor has said we have a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own, I still wonder each and every month. With Michael being 800 miles away, there's nothing to wonder about. Maybe that's the silver lining of having to be separated from my husband? Not having the question of whether or not this month might be the miracle month. (I was convinced that we were going to be one of the couples you hear about who gets pregnant on a break against all odds. And believe it or not, a little piece of me still thinks that.) I guess that's the difference between a less than 1% chance and a ZERO percent chance, huh?

My mom recently asked me if I'd found a new therapist. It wasn't until she asked that I realized I haven't felt like I needed a therapist in awhile. That's either progress or denial. I feel good. Aside from missing Michael, I feel happy. I still think the trip to Atlanta had a lot to do with my state of mind. Funny how a little time out of your element can give you so much perspective. I'll probably need to find a new therapist at some point, but for now, I'm pretty darn content with me.

Here I Am

There's been a lot going on in my little world lately. Nothing I can really post about though. Sorry. Just family stuff that it's been hard to deal with - especially with Michael so far away. We can still talk on the phone, but there's something about having someone there physically. You know? So that's where I've been. Sorry to leave you hanging.

PSA - this might be a bit of a random post.

Right now, I'm very honored and humbled to have been given the Kind Blogger Award from Journey to Junior, my friend in Chi-town. Needless to say, I don't believe I quite deserve this. JtoJ is an amazing woman and I feel so lucky to have actually been able to meet her in real life after getting to know each other on the Internet. I remember when we met for lunch the first time, some of my friends were worried that she would end up being a fat, bald, middle-aged man with nefarious intentions. You know, since we met on the Internet and all. I think they were picturing me walking into a Dateline "To Catch a Predator" set up. I told them if she was any sort of man, she knew waaaaaay too much about ovulation & all things female. I am pleased to report that she is actually a lovely young lady, but you all already knew that. I'm looking forward to her next visit to the DC area in July!

In the spirit of being the kind blogger that I've fooled JtoJ into thinking I am, I'd like to pass along the kind blogger award to Sunny, Sheri, and Natalie. All are incredibly kind and strong women all at different points in their journeys.

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Since my much needed trip to Atlanta, I've kept up with the running. I signed up for a 5K on June 14th to keep me motivated. So I'm training. I know, I know - who "trains" for a 5K, right? ME. I am so not a runner. I "ran" one 5K more than 10 years ago and it was a disaster. It made me vow to never run again. I guess the statute of limitations on that vow was about 10 years, since I'm now running. Anyway, I thought I would die during that race. Seriously. Jingle Bell Run, my ass. It was sleeting and the sleet was mixing with my sweat and freezing as it dripped off of my eyebrows. Nobody else seemed to struggle like me - hence, the training for this 5K. We'll see. One thing's for sure - it won't be sleeting!

Anyway, so I'm mostly training on the treadmill so that I can try to get used to a consistent pace. I've told some of you this story already, but when I was at the gym this week, I noticed that the woman beside me was running really far back from the front of the treadmill. I always feel like I'm going to fly off the back of the darn thing if I'm not right up on it. She was so far back because her PREGNANT BELLY was blocking her from getting any closer. I am not kidding. She had to be 7-8 months pregnant and she was RUNNING. I was in awe. She ran for 32 minutes and I was impressed with THAT. Uh - she wasn't done. She got on the stair stepper and did another 35 minutes. I got my ass kicked at the gym by a pregnant woman. Yeah. I think she might have been bionic or something.

Speaking of pregnant women - my good friend Lauren is due with her first child on Sunday. Wishing her all the best!

I told you this would be a random post!

I Would Die For That

I had never heard of Kellie Coffey before, but I now officially love her for this.

Smelling the Roses

Mother's Day is usually a tough day for those of us with infertility. This is the first year that it had the potential to be sort of tough for ME. The past few years, I have spent the day focused on honoring my mother and step-mother. I kept myself so busy and focused that I didn't really have time to bemoan my own non-mother status. This year, my mom is living in Florida and we celebrated Mother's Day last night with my step-mom. That left me all alone with myself for today.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself (which I already told you I am sick of), I decided to make today a day for me. I decided to indulge in things that I couldn't do if I actually was a mother. (Which - for you moms out there - I realize that is pretty much everything, but please keep that to yourselves.) I decided to appreciate my childless status for once. I slept in. I took Uno on a long walk. I came home and made a pot of coffee and blueberry pancakes - just for me! I read my book. I appreciated silence. I went to yoga. (I also did some vacuuming and laundry, but that was just so I wouldn't have to do it during the week. Plus, I'm sure those tasks are harder with little ones in the mix.)

It was a good reminder that I am in charge of how I deal with my infertility. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not happy to be without children. But I can at least spend some time appreciating what I do have. I guess you could say that I took some time to smell the roses today. Hopefully, I can do that more often and keep some perspective, rather than spending so much energy focused on what I DON'T have.

Bloggiversary

My Virgin Post was 1 year ago this past Wednesday (when I started this post). Not that I really want to celebrate. I started the blog for very different reasons than what it has evolved into. I started it after our second failed IUI to notify my close friends and family about what was going on with treatments (hence, the title). I hadn't really seen any other infertility blogs at that point. I actually got the idea from a friend of our family who has cancer and uses a blog to keep everyone up to date on the treatments & progress. So, I guess you could say I started it selfishly to avoid making those repetitive phone calls.

Actually, I honestly didn't think anyone would read my blog. Except maybe a few members of my family (I won't name names...). And now, even some of them avoid reading it because I am just too damn honest about my feelings. Which I guess is scary for people who love me.

I also didn't think my blog would last this long. Or maybe I thought I'd have converted it to a blog about my pregnancy - or even about my new baby (on my really optimistic Suzy-Sunshine days). But it's still just an infertility blog. And I'm not even going through any treatments right now - so you can see how much the purpose has changed.

Coincidentally, cycle #46 started right before this bloggiversary. So while this month marks the 3-year point of trying to have a baby, my body has actually been trying for the equivalent of almost 4 years. (Another anniversary I don't really want to be having...)

I'm bored with being Infertile Allison. I miss the old Allison. The person I got a glimpse of again in Georgia. The Allison who is funny (or at least manages to crack HERSELF up, even if nobody else laughs). The Allison who spends more time thinking about others than her own stupid problems. The Allison who is dedicated to her work and doesn't forget to do the hotline shifts she signs up for. But then again, even that Allison wants desperately to be a mother. So I'm not sure how to reconcile that. I'm just tired of feeling sorry for myself. It makes me a boring person.

And I do NOT want to be boring.