I feel like I was foolish to have hope in the first place, but what else was I supposed to do? My body played a cruel, cruel joke on me. "You're spotting, it's over. No you aren't! There's hope! Diarrhea? You've never had that before in a cycle - maybe it's a sign..."
BFN
Everything felt different this cycle. I let myself be hopeful. The good news? It is the last time I will ever have to endure that. But it's tough for me to see the sunny side in anything right now. I keep thinking of all the things we will never get to experience. Michael offered to rub my feet which started the water works all over again because all I could think about was how we'd never look at our baby's feet to debate whose toes he or she got.
There is no baby. There never will be.
How can a broken heart just continue to break?
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
17 comments:
oh Allison I am so sorry! I kept checking today hoping for very different news. I am just so sorry....
Giulia
i'm crying for you here in chicago. i am so sad for you.
ilissa
I count myself among many, many people who love you and send support and prayers. Thanks for being who you are. I am thinking of you...
-n
I'm so, so sorry. The last line just makes me ache for you.
I'm so sorry love. I wish there was anything I could do. My heart breaks for you, for me, and for all of us.
xoxoxo
I'm so sorry Allison. I stayed home from work today not feeling well and just logged on while eating my soup to check on you. I was quite hopeful too. I wish I had words to comfort you. I wish I had actions that could help. I wish your kind soul had gotten your very reasonable wish-come-true. I'm so sorry Allison.
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry Allison. It's all so unfair, but you know that already huh? I don't have any words to make it better; I so wish I did. Please just know that you and Michael are in my thoughts.
Allison,
I've been lurking for a while and I just had to comment today to tell you that you have been in my prayers and thoughts. I am so sorry. I am sending you more thoughts, prayers, and hugs.
Sincerely,
Laura (Lalybro from LP)
Oh sweetie, I wish nothing more than to reach through this computer screen and just hold you! I'm so sorry.
I am so, so sorry, Allison.
Ric, my mom and I are so very sorry. We are saying prayers for God to grace you with strength knowing how many people love you, and peace in knowing the number of people that are praying they could take away some of the heartache from you & Michael.
There are just simply no words...no words that can make a difference in what you are feeling right now. I am so sorry for your heartache and your pain. Although I don't know you, you continue to be in my prayers. It is obvious a lot of people care about you. Hugs & Blessings to you...
(Cindy from FL)
Oh, Allison. I have been checking and checking on you and have been hoping and hoping. I am so sorry. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you feel the support of all your friends and family as you move forward.
I'm so sorry. I know that those words probably don't help much but I'm thinking of you and sending healing vibes and some hugs.
I'm so very sorry!
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