Our new director at work used to be the president and CEO of a company that manufacturs a fertility device. It's like an at-home IUI. Since she started a year ago, I have been dreading the conversation with her about my infertility. (Most people at work know about our struggles.)
It finally happened. (And she was actually better about it than I thought she'd be.)
HER: "Your neice is GORGEOUS!"
ME: "Yeah, she's pretty great. I'm lucky that they are close by."
HER: "I probably shouldn't ask this...but..."
HER: "Are you guys planning to have kids?"
ME: (In my head) - SHIT! I knew this was coming. What the heck do I say?! (Out loud) - "Oh, we can't have kids. We tried for about 4 years and it didn't work out."
HER: (Sitting down in my cubicle guest chair - uh oh) "Did they figure out what's wrong?"
ME: "Basically, I don't have many good eggs left in the basket."
HER: "But you are still having your period, right? Then you can still have kids!"
Aaaaaggggghhhhhhh!!!!! Then she goes on to tell me all about this device that OF COURSE I had Googled the minute I saw it on her bio, but I couldn't let on to that. She regaled me with stories about all these couples who got pregnant with it after the fertility clinics had given up on them. She told me she had one at home and offered to give it to me if I was interested. Which was really very nice of her. And she wasn't pushy about it at all. I just thanked her and told her I'd look at the website. (Which has all these testimonials from people who had tried for "11 whole months!" Barf.)
So obviously, we're letting that subject die. I'm hoping she doesn't bring it up again. What the heck do I say if she brings it up again?! Michael said I could tell her that we've made our peace with not having kids.
We have?
I haven't. And I'm not sure I could actually utter those words without bursting into tears. Maybe someday. Not now. I guess I could just thank her again, but tell her that I couldn't bear to put myself through any more. That cycle of hope and despair. I don't miss that at all.
But that hope DOES come creeping back in every now and then. I hate it. Today, my crazy endocrinologist decided that there was no good reason that I couldn't have kids, so he ordered a bunch of bloodwork and wants my records from the fertility specialist. Whatever. I went with it. Why not? There was a visiting doctor from the Czech republic who told me that after his wife was told she could never have children, she went to a spa to just get away from everything. He went to visit her there and - you guessed it - she got pregnant.
The problem with all of this is that it sneaks that teensy percentage into my psyche. The "what-ifs" begin. And start me down that painful path of hopefulness. Why? I KNOW I can't have kids. I'm starting to accept that. And then things like this happen and set me back who knows how far.
Why can't I be one of those people who gives up and then gets pregnant? Why can't I be someone who goes on vacation and gets knocked up inexplicably? Why can't I be the person that the fertility clinic gave up on who had my very own miracle?
You'd think the reality check that comes every month in the form of my period would be enough to snap me back, but it isn't. I think denial and hope are inextricably linked.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
10 comments:
Effing hope and "what-ifs". I have no answers, but share this same thought process...
Yeah... we're starting to consider winding down our journey but the what-ifs make it hard. I have a friend who dealt with infertility and later adopted, and she just sent her husband to have a vasectomy. She knows the odds weren't likely that she'd end up pregnant, but they wanted to be sure they were done and didn't want to deal with any what-ifs. Hope feels good sometimes, but it also feels very cruel.
1. There will always be a small percentage of people who get pg after IF. It doesn't matter if they're trying or not, it will still happen.
2. IMO there is a big difference between having someone tell you that you will never have kids and never actually being able to have them despite drs telling you there is no reason you can't.
3. Just tell her thanks, but no thanks, and that the discussion is closed.
I hope your dr can find something.
As Daisy said, there are always people who get pregnant after stopping treatment and after adoption (that's what I've been hearing a lot of lately). There aren't too many of them, but it seems like everybody who knows me knows a bunch of them. I think that's part of what makes it hard to not do "what-ifs": it happens for some people so why not you? I don't have an answer for you, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your battle with denial/hope.
I have NO insight here. But I just want to say that, if we don't find success with IVF, I'm certain I will always wonder too. It's part of my not-completely-obliterated optimism about life in general. Ironic how something positive could have a negative impact, eh?
I'm so sorry sweetie.
I think people always know "so many" of those stories, b/c they're the ones they hear. How many people spread the word about the "infertile" who never had kids? Many of the "infertiles" themselves are not going to tell it and choose to live child-free and express that to others to avoid the same heart ache. People are asshats.
I think your version of what to say to her is good... the truth.
And honestly.. I think for lots of the people who "magically" get pg after IF, there WERE doing something. For example, in my case, I KNOW people are going around telling people that I gave up and POOF! What they choose to turn a deaf ear too (b/c I certainly tell them) is that I HADN'T really given up, I had just told people that so they'd leave me alone, and #2 I was undergoing constant monitoring and treatment with synthroid, metformin and lifestyle changes to see if that made positive changes to my system and after a year (and a previous 2.5 of trying other methods), it did. Furthermore, I STILL think this is one lucky damn chance.
HUGS
I second Barb's comments... the IF counsellor dh & I saw told us that in many cases, people just decide not to tell their families what they're doing after awhile, because they get so sick of the questions & comments & pressure... and voila! A "miracle" pregnancy!!
Toward the end of our IF journey, someone offered me a free ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor. I didn't think it would work for us when Clomid & IUIs with Gonal-F had failed, but I figured what the heck. I used it for a few months & then decided I really was done with it all, & it went into the back of my closet. It may still be there...! (If it is, I should fish it out & see if I can give it someone else...!) You could do the same with your coworker's device... if she keeps bugging you about it, you could take the thing just to (hopefully?) shut her up. Tell her you'll let her know if it's effective, & then put it in your own closet. ; )
I kept hoping for a miracle pregnancy for a long time after we were officially done with ttc. Then AF was actually was late one month (at Christmastime, no less!). I was surprised by how totally pissed off I felt -- I felt like I was just getting used to the idea of this childless living thing & here's my body, jerking me around again. It showed me that I had begun to accept things more than I had thought!
{{{hugs}}} I HATE hope! Tell that to my shrink all the time...it is just twisted and nasty. The cycle of hope and despair is just devastating...and just when you think hope is gone, blam!, something comes along to spark it again.
Yeah, I know those stories... actually have a friend who was told her chance was less than 5% to conceive naturally...did 3 IVFs...didn't work so just "let go"...she's now pregnant with her SECOND child... The story pissed me off (sorry if I shouldn't have shared it), because it just feeds the nasty monster called hope. Stories like these are the miracles, the exceptions. But then, why can't we have a miracle?
{{{hugs}}}
Hi there, I had to comment on this post because...well, because I know these scenarios all too well. I sometimes still can't believe that when I finally disclose about our struggles that people actually think they are the first people on the planet to say something like, "You know, my cousin's best friend and her husband tried for 12 years and all but gave up when suddenly...." as if people like us wouldn't have heard these stories 4,000 times before! It's almost comical.
Like another poster, I brought home a coworker's fertility monitor as she was heading off on mat leave, and that was almost 14 months ago. She's returning to work soon and I can't wait to have the "so, how did it go?" conversation when she returns!
So true, so true. The "what-ifs", the hope, the denial. I want miracles too. I need one. Make that two, and some for you!
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