Checking In

Just checking in. I can't believe it has been almost a month since the last post.

The beach was perfect - just what I needed. The only thing fertility related was that I started my period while there (of course). And - while I knew I wasn't pregnant, those gut wringing cramps just seem to serve as a reminder of my barren status. Like my body is saying "nah-nah-ne-boo-boo".

So - where we are now is that I will start taking birth control pills to prepare for IVF once I start my next cycle - which should be the beginning of August (right when I am on my Girls' Weekend with my friends because it's a rule that anytime you are going to be in a bathing suit or on vacation, THAT is when you get your period).

I'm not entirely sure why I take the Pill the month before the IVF cycle, but I believe it has to do with them having more control over my cycle. They don't want you to ovulate on an IVF cycle because they go in and retrieve the eggs directly from the ovaries. I have several other questions for the doctor. The IVF stuff is all still very vague to me, so I need to read up.

Michael and I talked about all this the other day and it was really the first time we've talked about it since we decided to take a break. We actually feel the same way - this break has been great for both of us. And I think it's been good for us as a couple too. Neither of us felt we were missing anything these past couple of months - it was kind of a nice change. We are going to give this IVF a shot and if it isn't successful, we will re-evaluate where we are and what we want to do.

I'll post more once I have some answers about the IVF process and understand it a little better. I just wanted to give you all some sort of an update!

There's No Crying in Kickboxing!

So apparently, those random emotional freak-outs weren't ENTIRELY due to the fertility drugs. I had one on Saturday at the end of my kickboxing class. I've been taking this class for a few years. I remember when my instructor told us she was pregnant to explain why she was modifying the moves. I rememeber thinking (at the time, blissfully ignorant about my infertility) - oh good, now I'll know how to modify when I'm pregnant and I won't have to say anything.

At the end of class Saturday when we were doing some toning moves, the instructor tells us that this one move was a pilates move - and goes on to say how that helped her more than anything else get back into shape after the birth of her daughter. I'm thinking, "ah, good to know". THEN she says - "Can you all believe my daughter is a year old now?".

That's when I lost it. I realized just how long we have been trying to have a child. Just remembering when she was first pregnant, and feeling like I'd be there soon - now knowing that her daughter is actually mobile and I'm at the same point - childless (and in WORSE physical shape to top it off). Ugh. Luckily, we were laying on mats and I had a towel I could use to hide my face and my tears. It was such a reality slap. (And I'm using the word slap instead of check on purpose. So much more fitting.)

So I guess it can't ALL be attributed to the drugs. (But when I'm back on them, I'll totally be using them as an excuse again.) ;-)

I have to admit, it has been nice not having to schedule a bazillion doctor's appointments this month, give myself shots in the stomach, or try as hard as I can to "think positively". I guess Saturday made me realize that I can take a break from the drugs and the treatments, but I can't take a break from the infertility. (If only!)

For now, Michael and I are enjoying just being. The beach trip couldn't come at a better time!