Woman's Intuition

Remember that weird feeling I had? I guess that's what we'll call it since I was right. I hate that I was right. (You won't usually hear me saying that.)

I took the afternoon off so that I wasn't in cubeville when they called with the test results. I'm not sure if that was good or not. It gave me permission to totally lose it when I heard the nurse say, "unfortunately..." I hate that word.

Why doesn't this get any easier? And why is it happening to us? Some sort of reason would make all this a little easier to accept. I'm thinking maybe I have too many good things in my life. Maybe the universe is trying to dole out heartache and I just haven't had my share. I don't know - I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only thing that makes a lick of sense to me. My life has been pretty great. Maybe life IS fair after all and I'd just gotten used to everything being sunshine and roses.

Of course I also went through the whole blaming myself thing. With IVF, we KNOW we had 2 embryos. They were put back into my uterus. They're not there now. You do the math. When I apologized to Michael for not being able to carry the babies, he told me he was sorry that he screwed up the progesterone shots. Huh? I told him he was being ridiculous and he said, "I know - that's the point. So are you. You are NOT the reason for this." Like I said, I've been pretty lucky in life.

So - that's the update. I wish it was different. I'll probably still post here even though we'll be on a break through the holidays. (I know you all can't get enough.) And, this has become my therapy.

Thanks for all the support - the prayers, the well-wishes, and just generally rooting for us. Maybe one day...

RIP Curly and Larry.

Ambiguity

I think I've realized why I've been in such a good mood lately. (Unfortunately, I can't contribute everything to yoga.) I've truly embraced this state of limbo we are in. Which is odd because I'm a girl who likes to know where I stand. I like everything settled and neatly tied up with a bow. Nothing about this process is neat. I find that I'm actually dreading my pregnancy test because no matter what the results are, everything changes. I rather like thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant, and I even like making plans for what to do if I'm not.

All that goes out the window once we know. Maybe it's healthy and this is a sign that I'm learning to accept that I have no control over anything. Or maybe it's really that old control freak in me rearing its ugly head again because I know I have no control over the results, so I just don't want to hear them. I could really go either way on that one. Maybe it's partially that old saying - ignorance is bliss.

So for now, I'll take the bliss and enjoy it while I can. ;-)

Weird Feeling

So much for positive thinking.

Last night, Michael and I went to see Jackopierce at the Birchmere with Ashley & Tom. We had a great time (awesome show, by the way). As I was sitting there enjoying myself - I just had this feeling come over me that I was NOT pregnant. It wasn't a sad feeling - it was just a feeling. A strangely peaceful feeling. I don't know what prompted it. Maybe that I'm not feeling any different and I feel like I should "just know" if I'm actually pregnant. I know that is crazy. I know most people have no idea.

My step-mom thinks it could just be me preparing myself mentally for bad news - just in case. Which could totally be true.

We do have a plan if this IVF didn't work. (You know me - I like a plan!) We'll be taking a break from all this for the holidays and starting back up in January. Since we can't travel during an IVF cycle, and I don't relish the thought of being pumped full of hormones during the holidays, it only makes sense. It will actually be nice to have another break - I'm remembering our summer break fondly.

So - while I feel like I'm not pregnant - I'm not actually all that negative. Odd, right?

Baby Got Back

(Warning - a large portion of this post will be devoted to my backside.)

Michael has been doing great with the shots. The actual shots don't really hurt - just a little prick and minimal discomfort as the oil is pushed in. But my butt is really sore from getting stabbed every night. My computer bag was bouncing against my hip and at first I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable. Duh.

One weird thing happened the other night. Michael gave me the shot like usual - nothing out of the ordinary. He rubbed the spot afterward and I used the heating pad. When I was ready to go to bed, I took the heating pad off and tried to go to sleep. It felt like someone had a lit cigarette butt burning into my...well, butt. Youch! Then my leg would spasm involuntarily every now and then on the side where I had the shot. I couldn't sleep at all, so I gave it about a half hour before I went and took some tylenol. I think that helped because I eventually fell asleep. I'm thinking the needle must have nicked a nerve or something because last night's shot was fine. Hopefully the rest will be too!

So, one night as Michael was preparing my injection, I say, "I bet you're having a hard time finding a spot that isn't bruised." To which he lovingly replies, "Not really - there's plenty of room back here!" Niiiiiice. Makes the time that the dentist told me he didn't need to remove any of my 4 wisdom teeth because I still had plenty of room in my mouth seem like a compliment!

I'm feeling good. Much better than last Friday! I don't know if I'm just used to the hormones or what. I've got a fun weekend planned, and am just generally enjoying myself. (I think it's because I got to go to my yoga class on Tuesday - I'm addicted.) Hopefully, I can continue this waiting period on a positive note!

No Totsicles

Sorry for the Negative Nellie post Friday. I was struggling! The one side effect I thought I was avoiding came to visit me Saturday night - heartburn. Good thing I didn't have anything to do Sunday because I was up most of the night. Fun, fun! I also realized that between the hot flashes and night sweats from Clomid and all these side effects from the estrogen / progesterone combo - I can truly empathize with all the ladies at work going through menopause! Freakin' hormones.

I'm doing alright today. Of course, I'm noticing every little twinge and trying not to think anything of it. But - in the back of my head I'm wondering... I hate that.

I heard from the doctor this morning, and none of the remaining embryos made it to the stage where they can freeze them. So, no freezer babies for us. Hopefully, this cycle will work and we won't even need freezer babies. The doctor was sure to note that the fact that those embryos didn't survive doesn't mean the ones we transferred won't work. Guess that confirms that we transferred the "right" ones!

Side Effects

If even ONE of these things indicated that I was pregnant, I would be loving it. (Woo-hoo, morning sickness!) However, apparently, these are just the joys of taking estrogen and progesterone. The post-procedure instruction sheet they gave me after the transfer even says "the presence of any of these side effects in no way indicates that you are - or are not - pregnant". Thanks.

1 - Fatigue. This is always listed as a side effect of medications and I never take it seriously. I guess that is because I've never had it before. I could fall asleep at any given second. I'm seriously considering putting my head down on my desk right now. Zzzzzzzzzzz....

2 - Bloating. Even my fattest fat pants are tight. At this rate, I'll need to buy maternity clothes even if I'm not pregnant.

3 - Constipation. Ummmm...yeah. See #2. I'm chugging Metamucil. (See, Dad - not only can I say it, I can spell it too!) I know you're jealous.

4 - Breast Tenderness. To say that my bra feels like a vice is the understatement of the year.

5 - Lower Back Pain / Cramping. Can someone please take the screwdriver out of my lower back? Thanks.

People were asking how I was feeling, and I said "great!" I was being honest until last night. I felt like I had been hit by a truck once I got home from dinner with the girls. I didn't want to get up this morning, didn't want to come to work, didn't want to DO any work (why do you think I'm blogging now?). I guess all these hormones finally caught up with me. Maybe the weekend will snap me out of it.

This is also the first time I've gotten emotional about all this. I thought the hormonal insanity would hit while I was doing the ovarian stimulation, not now. I feel like everyone is sure that this IVF will work. Everyone but me. The success rate at my clinic for IVF for women under 35 is around 50%. That should be comforting, but it's not. I keep hearing the voice of my high school physics teacher after he posed a yes/no question to the class - "Well, Allison - you had a 50/50 shot and you blew it". Who knew my fertility problems would invoke the voice of good ol' Mr. Coleman?

Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. What's the saying? - if you think you can't, you're right. Even though I'm a little grumpy, these side effects really aren't a big deal at all. If it gets me closer to being a mom, it's all worth it. Plus, I'm imagining pregnancy is WAY worse in terms of discomfort!

And Now We Wait....

Everything went well this morning! DC traffic actually cooperated and we got there about 1/2 hour early. I had to pace myself on the water consumption, even though my family jokes that I'm a camel (since I usually only have to stop once on an 8 hour car trip). We went into this tiny room and I think they had some sort of competition to see how many people they could fit in there. Seriously - it was Michael and I, 2 doctors, 2 nurses, an ultrasound technician, and the embryologist. For those of you keeping track, that's 8 people in a little room the size of a closet.

We decided to take the doctors' advice and put back the 2 strongest embryos. One was 7 cells and Grade 1 (the best it can be) and the other was 5 cells and Grade 2 (it's a grade lower because they like to see between 6-8 cells). If I'm lucky enough that both implant, it doesn't mean that one will be behind the other. They are both following normal cell division. The other 2 were only 4 cells, so we'll let them keep dividing for a few more days. If they look promising, we will go ahead and cryopreserve (freeze) them.

Using the external ultrasound (no wand today), they showed us where my uterus was and where the catheter was. Then, when they inserted the catheter that had the embryos, we could see it and we saw a little flash of white at the tip of the catheter - that was the embies being shot into my uterus. Crazy!

And now for the special treat! They gave us a picture of our embryos before we left. These are the two we inserted - Larry and Curly (per Ann-Tyler's request). However, I'm not sure which is which. We stopped at McDonald's on the way home, so my poor embryos' first food was a McGriddle. I promise to eat healthier from here on out! I'll be on bed rest today and part of tomorrow, then no exercising for 5 days. After that, I can resume normal activity - but I'm thinking I'll give up kickboxing for the next few weeks.

We won't know the results for several weeks. Which is bizarre given that I've been poked and prodded almost every day up to this point. I've has ultrasound results, bloodwork results, embryo reports, etc. Now, nothing. For weeks. We are purposefully not sharing the date of the pregnancy test. If it's negative, we will need some time to ourselves to grieve. Along the same lines, over the next few weeks, please don't ask me if I "feel pregnant" (ahem - MOM). I promise to let you all know when we have news to share. Thanks for understanding. I love you all, and thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Target Practice

Unfortunately, I saw the progesterone shot last night before Michael attempted to give it to me. I even quizzed him about whether or not he was using the right needle. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy with me. I should know by now not to doubt him on this stuff - he's very meticulous! ;-)

Anyway, all 4 of our embryos divided. YAY! We had two 2-celled, one 4-celled, and one 5-celled - according to my doctor, a very normal rate. We are tentatively scheduled for the transfer at 8:45 AM tomorrow morning. The doctor explained that since I only have 4 embryos to start out with, they like to put the best looking ones back as soon as possible since embryos do better in the uterus than in a petri dish. (Hence the Day 3 transfer instead of Day 5 for me. Makes sense...) If there are 2 that look particularly good tomorrow, they will put back 2. They'll call us in the morning to let us know how it is looking. I think it is really up to us how many they put back. The doctor said that with a Day 3 transfer, the success rate is higher if they put back 2. (Of course, so is the chance of multiples!)

The transfer is really no big deal - I am awake for it and Michael will be there with me. They have me drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before my appointment so my bladder is nice and full so they'll be able to see my uterus better on the ultrasound. From what I understand, we'll be able to watch them put the embies back into my uterus with a catheter on the ultrasound monitor. Sounds pretty cool!

I'll post again tomorrow once we get back from the doctor to give you all the update!

Fertilization Report

Of the 8 eggs they got yesterday, 6 were mature. Of those 6, 4 fertilized! So, we have 4 embryos to watch. (Michael has named them Larry, Curly, Moe, and Shemp.) My doctor called this morning to give us the good news. I asked about what percentage they look for to continue to grow and divide after fertilization, and he said the majority - around 80%. He said we'd need to wait until tomorrow to see how they're growing, but that they'd most likely do a Day 3 transfer - which means Tuesday. He'll call me tomorrow and let me know.

We are just so excited to have 4 that fertilized! They will either put back one or two embryos. Let's just hope at least one of those nestles in and implants.

We started the progesterone shots last night. Michael did great. I think it helps that I can't see them. I think that is what was freaking me out about the others.

So - good news all around today! Here's hoping it continues tomorrow!

The Eggs Have Landed

Today went completely smoothly - I'm so relieved. Michael was the best. He pampered me, distracted me, and was just generally great. We got there on time, the process was very efficient and relatively painless, and - the best news of all - THEY GOT 8 EGGS! The doctor said that there were probably a couple of smaller follicles that were hiding. They won't know the quality of those eggs until tomorrow, so he said they may not have been mature, but he took 'em anyway. We should get a call tomorrow afternoon with "the fertilization report".

Okay - so a couple of funny things that happened.

1 - Hygiene. This morning, I was so focused on making sure I ate something before 8:15 AM, making sure I didn't use any deodorant, make-up, or lotion after I showered, etc. that I totally forgot to brush my teeth. I realized it when we were on the highway. ICK!!! I thought my mouth felt so gross because I needed water. Hope I didn't knock any of the medical staff out with the kickin' breath! I think I forgot because I usually do that after I put my face lotion on in the AM. Since I skipped that step, my routine was out of whack. Nasty.

2 - Anesthesia. (Sorry, Ash - I really didn't do anything too embarrassing - like grab a nurse's butt.) When Michael was waking me up (which was really nice so I didn't wake up to a nurse briskly yelling my name), my eye felt itchy so I tried to scratch it. Through my glasses. Several times. Made Michael laugh at least, but frustrated the heck out of me!

3 - Hospital Bracelet. We went out to grab a bite to eat on the way home from the procedure. Michael hadn't eaten anything in solidarity with me. (Or maybe because I woke him up about 15 minutes before we had to leave...) Anyway, we're sitting at our table and Michael says - "you gonna wear that all day?" I looked like some sort of mental patient escapee.

We came home, turned on some football and took a killer nap. I feel a little crampy, but nothing major. I've taken some Tylenol and they gave me a prescription just in case I was in a lot of pain. As Eddie Murphy would say - I got some Vicodin - and you don't got none. I haven't needed any yet, but if I do - Ash you might get your wish of seeing me loopy.

We start the butt shots tonight. That's progesterone in oil, and I'll be on that until I have the pregnancy test in about 2 weeks. Michael will be doing the shots (he's a little too excited about this), and I'll be taking estrogen pills called Estrace and baby aspirin. I'm hoping the passing out days are behind me.

So for now, it's football and sitting around on the couch. You know - a normal weekend for a guy. Here's hoping for a good fertilization report tomorrow!

Wow

Just got the call. We are triggering tonight. I quizzed the nurse so much, she finally had to have a doctor call me back. She said that 3 different doctors looked at my case and 2 said to trigger tonight while 1 said to wait until tomorrow. Of course, the one who said to wait is my doctor who I love who is out of town - he sent his input via Crackberry. Sooo - the doctor I saw this morning is the one who called me back and she served as the tie-breaker between the other 2 doctors. She said she was concerned that at the pace my follicles have been growing, if we wait, we risk losing all of them (they'll be "overmature" and won't fertilize). I guess I need to trust the experts at this point! (Lord knows, they've done this more times than I have.)

She wants me to go ahead and do the Follistim and Menopur again tonight to give them a last minute boost, in addition to the trigger. They give you a specific time for the trigger depending on when your egg retrieval (ER) is scheduled, so my time is 12:15 AM tonight. I can't decide whether to set my alarm or just stay up. Either way, I'll be half asleep while giving myself a shot!

The ER will be on Saturday, 9/8 at 12:15 PM. (Sorry, Ash - guess we have to cancel our long-awaited pedicure appointment! Oh, and you'll have to find an alternate location for the Nebraska-Wake viewing.) We'll need to get there by 10:45 AM, and I can't have anything to eat after 5:15 AM, and nothing to drink after 8:15 AM. Michael noted that I should be in a fabulous mood by 1 PM with nothing in my system. I think I'll be getting up early (used to it by now!) just so there's something in me - even if it's only clear liquids...

For those of you who want a little IVF primer - the ER is done under general anesthesia through an IV. Once I am under, they use an ultrasound to guide a needle through my vaginal wall into my ovaries to aspirate the follicles and (hopefully!) suck an egg out of each. We're hoping for 6 good ones! Then, they combine Michael's sperm with my eggs in spearate petri dishes and monitor them closely. They will call us the following day to give us the fertilization report - how many of my eggs fertilized and how they're doing so far. I believe they call us every day after that to give us a progress report. Depending on how the embryos are progressing, they will decide to put 1 or 2 back in me on either Tuesday, 9/11 (Happy Birthday, La!), or Thursday, 9/13. I'm hoping for 9/13 since it will mean the embryos are in better shape (even though it means I'll miss our Monthly Girls' Dinner).

I think that is all I know for now. Head is still spinning. Deep breaths.

My Head is Spinning

And it isn't because I'm dizzy from giving myself a shot this time.

I had a different doctor today (mine is at a conference), and she said based on the size of my follies, she thinks they'll go ahead and trigger me...TONIGHT! Yikes! I was planning on the schedule I posted yesterday! Don't these people know I'm a planner?!

Anyway, I won't know for sure until they call me this afternoon with my bloodwork results, so I'll post more when I know it. I'm suddenly scared.

Tentative Schedule

Okay - the follies didn't exactly catch up, but they aren't too far behind so the doctor was hopeful that with a couple more days of injections, we'd be set for IVF. YAHOO! It looks like I will have 6 follicles (which hopefully means 6 eggs for them to retrieve).

The tentative schedule is for me to continue the injections tonight and tomorrow night, do the trigger shot (for final egg maturation) on Friday, and go in for the egg retrieval on Sunday 9/9 (Happy Birthday, Kristi!). Then, depending on how the embryos are looking / developing, they'll do to the transfer (where they put them back into me) on either Wednesday, 9/12, or Friday, 9/14. I'm hoping for 9/14 just because that will mean there are several embryos that are looking good and are further developed (better success rate). I go back for yet another wanding & bloodwork tomorrow (because that is now how I love to start my day) to make sure that we are on track for the tentative schedule.

Dad, sorry this has been so technical. I hope the above stuff makes sense! WHAT-DOES-THE-YELLOW-LIGHT-MEAN? No, seriously, just let me know if you have questions.

Thanks everyone. Keep pulling for these follicles!

Get Along, Little Follies

Remember how I thought I had 2 big follicles on each side (for a total of 4)? Well, that was incorrect. Apparently, the tech could SEE 4 follicles, but only 2 of them were big. At the ultrasound yesterday, I had 1 follicle on each side measuring around 16 and then about 3 other follicles smaller than 10. My nurse was pretty concerned the big ones were growing so fast and did confirm for me that they would not do an IVF with 2 follicles. But - she told me to come back the next day (today) for another u/s because sometimes when it looks like 1 large follie, it's actually several little ones all clumped together - depending on the angle.

So, today. The bad news is that I still only have 2 big follies. The good news is that it looks like my smaller ones are catching up proportionally faster. I also had my doctor in for the u/s this morning and he made me feel much better. He said my uterine lining looks great - and he is hopeful those smaller follies would keep up the pace they are on. He told me there is a chance if those 2 big ones get much bigger before the others catch up, they will convert this cycle to an IUI (turkey baster method), but for now he's thinking things still look good for the IVF. I go back in tomorrow for more bloodwork and ultrasound to check the progress. In the words of my doctor - "tomorrow is a very important day". We will likely know if we're going the IVF route or converting to IUI depending on how things look. I'll keep you posted.

Catch up, little follies, catch up!

Psyched Out

Last night, I prepared both shots and decided to start out with the Menopur to get it over with. I even did it while Michael was awake and sat at the table. After I started the injection, I started seeing stars and getting really hot. Michael had to bring me water. I stuck with it (no pun intended) - I think I just freaked myself out. I don't know. I started thinking it was the meds. I was planning to ask a nurse about it today when I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound, but that's a whole other story. The good news is that I was totally fine with the shots tonight. (Even with Michael yelling during the Auburn game.) I think I need to do the Follistim first to get "warmed up".

Okay - so this morning I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound. They leave me sitting pantsless in the exam room for no less than 20 minutes. Different people would come in - be surprised that I was in there, and say something like - I'll let them know you're here. So finally, this ultrasound technician comes in, acts surprised and then just gets started. I've always had a doctor or nurse in addition to the tech, but I just figured they'd come in. They didn't. And the tech didn't tell me anything. The only thing I managed to get out of her was that I had 2 follicles on each side somewhere around 11 mm. So, I was going to ask the nurse who called with my bloodwork results - but she called when we ran to the grocery store (of course). Her message said my estrogen level was good and to continue my dosage and come back in on Monday AM.

That probably all sounds fine to you, but I'm feeling very frustrated right now. 4 follicles is not enough for an IVF cycle. If I don't produce some more good ones, they'll either cancel this cycle or convert it to another IUI. I doubt they'll do the IUI because with 4 good follicles, that means there's a chance (albeit slim) that I'll get pregnant with quads. And I think I'm frustrated that I couldn't talk to anyone about all this today.

So, please root for more follies! I hope Monday shows some more good ones. Fingers crossed!