Well Aren't We Just a Ray of Sunshine?

Last night when I got home, I told Michael I was feeling a little down. He said, "No kidding - I read your blog. Really uplifting."

I sometimes forget that people actually read this. It was how I was feeling. It felt good to get it out. So, I'm not going to apologize for a depressing post. But I didn't want you all to be worried that I was ready to hurl myself off the nearest bridge. I'm not.

I'm just sad that we don't have children, sad that I'm not pregnant (started the good ol' period early today - could explain the mood), and sad that Michael is leaving. That's all.

The Year in Review

I truly can't believe 2007 is coming to an end. It seemed to go by so fast, but when I think back to where I was at this time last year, it seems like a different lifetime. And yet I am in the same place I was back then. Childless.

Well, not exactly the same place. Last year at this time, I was hopeful. SO hopeful. 2007 was our year to have a baby. Our first RE appointment was coming up in January. He would surely help us figure out what was "wrong" once and for all and we could set about to start fixing it. And we'd have a baby. I even thought I was being realistic when I thought "Maybe we won't have a baby by next Christmas, but I'll at least be pregnant."

We spent the ENTIRE year working on that. I feel like it was a wasted year. We still don't know why I can't seem to get pregnant. I feel like we tried everything this year - testing, clomid, IUI, injections, acupuncture, herbs, vitamins, diet changes, and finally - IVF. We did all that in a year. Yet still, here I am. We didn't even really take or plan any vacations because we thought - what if I'm pregnant then? Ha.

I'm not being entirely fair to myself. As a result of all this IF crap, I think I've grown more as a person. Not exactly the path I would have chosen, but hey. Michael and I have grown closer. I've discovered a lot about myself. I've learned what things I can handle and what situations I need to gracefully avoid - or find a quick spot for a good cry. I've learned that I can handle sticking a needle in my stomach. (Repeatedly.) I've learned that I can talk about my IF without shame. I've learned how to deal with ridiculous suggestions (although "just relax" still makes steam shoot from my ears). I've learned that my IF doesn't define me - who I am as a person. It's just something I have - like a damn virus that won't go away. I've learned that this isn't my fault and that there really isn't much I can do to control it (though LORD do I try!).

So realistically, I KNOW the year hasn't been a waste, but I can't help but feel that way when I think back to where I was in December 2006 and the end result of 2007. I may be in the same place, but I sure don't feel the same way.

Looking forward to 2008, I wish I could muster some of that hope from last year. But I'm not hopeful. I'm sort of... resigned. 2008 is just a year I need to get through. That is a terrible New Year's attitude. I know. I guess I've never really been one for New Year's anyway. Maybe I need to plan some vacations...

Sad Day

Somehow, I knew it was going to be a sad day. I don't know why or how to explain it. My friend lost her baby today. She is a fellow infertile and was pregnant after going through the ringer with her first IVF. I don't know what to say. I literally started crying at my desk when I read the news. (She has a blog too.)

But I knew something was wrong today. You know when you have that ominous feeling? Coming back from lunch, I got off the elevator and this woman was leaning over a chair in our lobby. I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing until I heard the little-newborn-baby-wail sound that they make. It knocked the wind out of me. I looked over and had to fight back the tears. That never happens to me anymore. Well, at least not when I'm not on any added doses of hormones. It was like I knew I needed to be sad, but I didn't know why.

Now I do - and I am just profoundly sad for my friend.

Necking

Saw the endocrinologist today. He greeted me by shaking my hand and then promptly putting his hands around my neck - ummmm yikes! I said "wow - that's quite a greeting" and he said, "you know what we were just doing? Necking." Groan. Great - bad neck jokes. I was worried. Aside from the lame jokes, he was quite good. And I really liked the Physician's Assistant, which is who we spent most of the time with. She was very thorough. They ordered more bloodwork, but eased my concern that something besides the Hashimoto's was going on. They also echoed my fertility doctor that they don't think the thyroid is what is keeping me from getting pregnant. I have to admit - that was kind of a bummer. I'd really like to have SOME sort of a reason. But it was good to have my fertility doctor's opinions validated for me.

They would like my thyroid levels to stay stable for a few months before trying IVF again. So - that is in line with what we were thinking anyway. They did tell me to start taking my prenatal vitamins at night so they don't interfere with the synthroid. They also told me to avoid generic synthroid. That was news! Apparently, they can have varying absorption rates - or something.

We'll see what they have to say after they get the bloodwork results. I have another appointment to see them in March. Maybe an IVF then? I won't get too tied up about it. Go with the flow, Allison. Go with the flow.

Finally!

(I know that word is a dangerous one in the world of infertility, but no worries, I'm not using it in reference to being pregnant...)

I'm just FINALLY able to post about something that Michael and I have been thinking about, praying on, discussing, overanalyzing, etc. since Thanksgiving. It's been killing me not to post! While we were down in Alabama, Michael happened upon an opportunity to run a Congressional campaign. Which is really cool! Long-term, the idea is that if/once the candidate is elected, Michael will be in a great position to join his staff in a senior role up here on the Hill. (We also have several back-up plans if his candidate doesn't win.) That is the good news. The bad news is that he had to quit his existing job (rather than taking a leave of absence like we were originally thinking) and he will have to be in Alabama from January through the election in November. Kind of puts a damper on the fertility thing, huh?

The thing is, we will still be able to do IVF. So it really doesn't put a damper on it. He'll be able to come home for a few days each month - so we'll just arrange for that during egg retrieval in the month we do IVF. My nurse told me I can come into the office and she can give me my progesterone shots. (Which is good news for Abby, who kindly offered to take on that fun and exciting responsibility.)

All that said, I guess there is still part of me that was holding out for a spontaneous pregnancy - you know, the good old fashioned way. This eliminates any chance for that. I know I've said previously here that I've accepted we will need IVF to get pregnant, but that obviously wasn't totally true. Maybe I'm more of an optimist than I thought. The doctor has said we have a 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own at this point. Guess I held on to that 1% - because it was still a CHANCE.

Another big thing - we've decided to hold off on the January IVF. I'm seeing the endocrinologist next week about my thyroid, but as my step-mom pointed out - it's not like things will be figured out and resolved in that one meeting. It will take time. So, we decided that it was better to wait and figure out the thyroid than to "waste" one of my remaining 2 IVF cycles. One of the things that was driving me towards the January IVF is that age 35 is rapidly hurtling in my direction. The IVF success rates drop dramatically once you turn 35 (from about 45% to 30%). Michael aptly noted that it wasn't some alarm that goes off on your birthday, so there was really no point in trying to sneak one in under the wire - which is exactly what I was trying to do.

So I'm having mixed emotions. My life, yet once again, is not happening according to plan. You'd think I'd get used to that! I don't necessarily LIKE the decisions we are making, yet I think they are the right ones 100% (well, maybe 99%). I don't LIKE putting off IVF until we figure out my thyroid (heck, I wanted to be pregnant 2 1/2 years ago!), but it's the logical thing to do. I don't LIKE that I will have to be 800 miles away from my husband for 11 months, but I believe that the end game is worth it. I think the word "finally" will have a whole new meaning for me once this is all over and he is home for good.

Eye Bone Connected to the...

Ovary bone? Apparently.

I have not been able to wear my contacts for the past year and a half. They gave me some drops and told me to stay out of the contacts for about 3 months while doing the drops. I stayed out of my contacts for an entire year (except for a few weddings - really the only time I'm that vain). Plus, I was seeing enough doctors anyway - I didn't need to worry about yet another visit. Anyway, I tried to start wearing them again in October figuring that I'd certainly given my eyes enough time to heal. They were good for awhile, but one day - they just started driving me crazy. I decided I should probably go back to the specialist. Plus, we're on a break, so I've been having doctor withdrawal. Okay - not really. But, on a side note - it felt so odd to go to a doctor's office and not have to take off my clothes! Is that a bad sign?

Anyway, to the point. The doctor said my eyes were incredibly dry and was surprised I wasn't complaining about it. (I hadn't noticed.) He said that there is usually a "reservoir of tears" between the eyeball and the bottom lid - and I had none. Contacts tend to dry your eyes out even more, so that is likely why I was having problems. I asked what could be causing this and he said environment (i.e. worse in the winter when the air is dry) and - GET THIS - hormone fluctuations. He said the dryness is related to inflammation and hormonal shifts can cause or exacerbate inflammation. I told him about the infertility treatments and he said this was absolutely related. Who knew?! So, the treatment is to use Restasis (different drops) for 3 months and then come back to see him. He said he usually starts people with Evening Primrose Oil which is a more natural solution, but it affects your hormones, so he didn't want to do that with the fertility situation. Restasis doesn't mess with your hormones and isn't detected in the bloodstream, so he felt like that was a better solution for me.

I never in a million years would have thought that problems with my contacts were related to my infertility. Crazy. I have no idea if it's also related to Hashimoto's, but I'm definitely going to mention it to the endocrinologist next week!

Speaking of which - I had blood drawn for the thyroid stuff this morning and they couldn't find a vein. The nurse had to go get a lab tech and he said very dramatically - "oh NO, I can't find anything. This is horrible. Guess I'll just have to find a vein in your neck." I nearly fainted. He was just torturing me. At least he got me to laugh!

Thanksgiving

What to post after all this time? I seem to be really bad about posting during breaks, huh? Sorry about that. Hopefully, some of you are still checking.

Michael and I had a great trip to Alabama and Florida for Thanksgiving. The time flew by. Being with my nephew made me both happy and sad. Don't get me wrong, I was never sad to be with him. He's awesome. But late at night, thinking of never having a little person in my house asking me to play Hi Ho Cherry-O every 5 minutes made me sad. Seeing the world through a child's eyes sounds so cliche, but my heart swelled every time Carson would see something and yell "Hey guys, LOOK - it's the MOON!" I never look at the moon with wonder anymore. It's nice to be reminded. I'm thankful for every moment with him.

I think the sadness comes from the fact that I am still having a hard time accepting that I may never be a mother. I guess part of me has to remain hopeful since we are doing another IVF cycle. I have to think it's going to turn out well - but history isn't exactly on my side. If IVF doesn't work, that's it. We're done. have to be hopeful, but realistic. That's a tough balance.

I'm going to an endocrinologist on 12/12 to see about all this thyroid stuff. Cindy (my step-mom) is coming with me. She has all kinds of crazy theories, so I figure I'll just unleash her on the doc. ;-) No, it will be helpful to have another set of ears - and she'll probably think of tons of questions that I would have meant to ask, but didn't. In preparation for this appointment, I've been trying to get my medical records (past thyroid tests) to take with me and in doing so, I found out that VA is not a "right to know" state - meaning I have no right to get my own freaking medical records. Can you believe that? They'll send them to another doctor, but not directly to YOU. Unreal.

Love Those Stirrups

So I had my annual Ladies Exam today. I had asked my fertility doctor if he could do it since I was there all the time anyway. I was hoping to avoid assuming the position for yet another doctor. No dice.

I kind of forgot where I was going. An OB office. Every woman in the place was pregnant. And not just pregnant. They were all rubbing-their-big-bellies-looking-blissful pregnant. Luckily, I didn't have to wait long.

The nurse who weighed me and took my blood pressue asked me what form of birth control I was using. I just looked at her, not exactly knowing what to say. She looked at my chart and said - "oh, you're STILL trying to conceive?". Yeah. Thanks. (Okay, so maybe her "still" wasn't that emphasized, but that is what my infertile ears heard...)

So my doctor was pretty cute. He asked how long I'd been seeing the fertility doctor and when I told him January - he said "what the heck have they been doing all this time?!" I told him everything we've been through. He was shocked I wasn't pregnant yet. After the exam (during which he told me all about an elephant retirement home in Tennessee - he's a wee bit random), he said - "I'll be looking forward to seeing you in March" and winked. March would be when I would transition from the fertility doctor back to my OB if January's IVF works. It took me a minute to catch on. One can only hope.

Do it

(Read that with the Starsky & Hutch movie voice)

I'm talking about voting. I know not everyone has elections today, but if you do, please take advantage of our right to vote. I know it's not a national election - but state and local government actually has the potential to impact your daily life more than the federal government does. (Spoken like a true local government employee, huh?) It's your opportunity to have a say in your community.

Michael and I went to the polls together this morning. (Once again, I got to see Ms. Borden, my 10th Grade English teacher who works the polls every election. Believe it or not, she remembers me after all this time.) Even though Michael and I cancel each other out, it is still the point of exercising our right and freedom to vote for whomever we choose. I always vote simply because I am thankful that I live in a place where I can.

So get out there and vote! Do it.

Weighty Issues

Man. It was definitely water weight. I gained 2 of those 5 pounds back! I did cheat a little - a couple of pieces of the dreaded Halloween candy and a few beers this weekend. But even that shouldn't constitute 2 lbs! I'm still starting Phase 2 of South Beach - which basically means I can have fruit and whole grains again. That should help "get things moving" - if you know what I mean. (Hey - maybe THAT'S my 2 lbs...) Okay, sorry - that was gross. Sometimes the Beavis in me just slips out unannounced.

Christian (my brother-in-law) came back from Iraq on Friday. Hooray! They fly into Andrews AFB, so Michael got to go pick him up and he stayed with us while he worked his travel out to get home to Florida. I'm happy to report he's home safe and sound with Korie and Carson - who have been paitently awaiting his return. We're all hoping this means he'll be home for the holidays this year. I think having Christian home was reason enough for us to have a couple of celebratory beers - diet or not!

So - we're still plugging away with South Beach. Michael has done better than I have (as usual). I think he's down 7 or 8 lbs so far. I'm going out tonight for our Monthly Girls Dinner, but this diet is pretty easy to stick to at restaurants - I just need to avoid the bread basket and I should be fine. Oh yeah - I forgot the best part about Phase 2 - I get to have a glass of wine! Woo hoo!

I totally forgot to post my TSH results - sorry about that! (I actually got them the very next day - gotta love my new primary care doc. AND they don't just leave a message with "everything is fine" like my last doctor. They make you call back and talk to a live human nurse who can tell you the actual numbers on your test results. Novel concept.) Anyway - my TSH was .932, which the nurse said was higher than they'd like, but that they'd keep me on this level of synthroid until the next check in 3 months and see how that looked. I have my first appointment with the endocrinologist on December 12, so I'll have more bloodwork done then anyway. BUT - .932 is the lowest it's ever been and I feel great. It makes me realize what a fog I was in before. I can actually pay attention in meetings! (Okay - maybe that's not a benefit...) I'm just hopeful that we can get this regulated and figured out by IVF #2 in January.

In other thyroid news, my sister told her primary care that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's, so he tested her TSH and it came back high (5 point something). Some say that it can be genetic, but the physician's assistant she saw today told her that just because I have it doesn't mean she definitely has it. It would just increase the likelihood. They did another blood test - and included antibodies this time, so we'll see. I don't think either of my parents has it, so it would be kind of odd if both Ashley and I do. Luckily, she doesn't have any symptoms.

A Different Obsession

It's been awhile. Sorry for that, but not much has been happening. I started my period last week, and for the first time in a long while - it didn't involve any tears or sadness. I always thought somewhere in the back of my mind that we would get pregnant on a break cycle, but now I think I've accepted that if we ever do get pregnant, it will be with medical assistance.

Speaking of which - after 9 months of fertility drugs, I gained some weight. I kept exercising, thought I was eating well, but it somehow snuck up on me anyway. I forced myself to get on the scale after my pajama bottoms were tight. (Whose pajama bottoms get tight??!!) I was pushing maximimum density (my highest weight - circa the college years). I wasn't quite there yet, but I was pushing it.

Michael and I decided it would be a good idea if both of us went on South Beach before we head down to Alabama for Thanksgiving. After all, I can easily gain 5 pounds from just smelling my mother-in-law's cooking. I joke that her food must have crack in it because I just can't say no to anything she makes! Mmmmm... pound cake.... Plus, I found myself taking a tiny piece of chocolate when I walked by a candy dish at work. Which is fine - unless you walk past a candy dish 6 times a day! So, South Beach is good for me because I know I can't have any and my cheap rationalizations don't work.

So today marks the end of Week 1 and (drumroll, please...) I am down 5 pounds!! I'm amazed. I know most of it was water weight, and I definitely won't be able to - nor should I - keep up this pace, but it was good for the motivation factor. I only want to lose 6 more pounds, but I fully expect that to take...well, forever.

The other thing South Beach has been good for is serving as a distraction. I'm so busy thinking about what I'm going to eat (this diet requires a lot of prep!), that I'm not really thinking about having a baby - which has seemed to consume most of my life for the past 2+ years. It's oddly freeing. While it might not be helping tame the control freak side of me, it's at least a healthy obsession.

Yoga for Fertility

I was going to post yesterday about how I was totally excited for the weekend. Well, I'm still excited for the weekend - don't get me wrong, just not AS psyched as I was originally.

My friend in Chicago is enrolling in this mind/body program for fertility that works WITH ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies) rather than instead of them. Most of those sorts of programs are usually against any sort of medical intervention. These programs come from a good place, but I can't help but feel their main message is "just relax" which (while appropriate for some) makes me want to scream. I know there is a mind/body connection, but relaxing isn't going to get me pregnant at this point.

Anyways, my friend noticed that there was a "Yoga for Fertility in DC" link on their website. So I looked into it and there were 2 sessions in MD this weekend! I was so excited! So, I went through the online registration, paid, and got all signed-up. I got a confirmation e-mail and was totally looking forward to it.

You see where this is going. Yesterday I get an e-mail from the instructor telling me that this weekend's sessions have been cancelled. She said most people don't do the one-day sessions and sign up for the 6-week series. I'll be out of town for most of the upcoming session on Saturdays and then the other sessions are at 7 PM in Silver Spring on a weeknight. (SO not happening for me - I'd probably have to leave work at 4 to get there.) Neither of those are good options.

So now I'm bummed. I already take yoga once a week and love it. But this was geared specifically to other women in similar situations. Honestly, I was kind of looking forward to meeting them. I hadn't thought of that aspect of the class at all until I was mapquesting directions and thinking about where people would park. "People". Hey - there's going to be other people there like me! Duh. You'd think I would have thought of that.

The instructor said they'd be doing other 6-week weekend sessions in the new year, so maybe I'll just be patient. (Yeah, like THAT'S something I'm good at...) Unfortunately, ALL of the classes will be in MD. I so wish I could find something like this in Northern VA. I shouldn't complain. Some people have to drive for hours just to see their fertility doctors.

Okay - this is turning into a stream-of-consciousness post which can't be good (or interesting for that matter).

Happy Friday everyone!

Tagged!

Geez - I'm away for a few days, and I get tagged. (Yeah - I didn't know what it was either, don't worry.) Basically, someone with a blog (in this case, Barb) calls out other people with blogs to answer a question. This one is 7 quirky things about you. Those of you who know me in real life probably know most of these - but then again, maybe I'll surprise you.

1 - I can't tolerate breakfast food for anything other than breakfast. Many people think pancakes for dinner are a wonderful treat. Blech! No - pancakes are great for breakfast, and breakfast only. Omlettes too.

2 - I can watch absolutely anything on TV with rapt attention. Infomercials, shows I truly hate, trash tv - ANYTHING. I've even been known to be totally into a public television broadcast of seniors clogging. (In my defense, that was kind of like a train wreck and you just couldn't look away.)

3 - I pick my cuticles. I know - it's disgusting. I can't help it. I'm a picker.

4 - I talk to my dog. Constantly. I know it's not that weird to talk to your pet, but I do it in public - forgetting I'm in public. And I ask her questions as if I expect her to answer me. My neighbors probably call me "that crazy dog lady". While we're walking, I'm all "Uno, is that a chipmunk? Brrrr - it's cold with the wind, isn't it? Are you my fuzzy nutter? Wanna go home and see Daddy?" (I know - also slightly nauseating.)

5 - I love violent sports. Is that wrong? My favorite segment on Monday Night Football was "Jacked Up" where they showed the 10 biggest hits from Sunday - well, before they discontinued it, the wusses. I love hockey - mainly for the fights. Recently, there was a fight behind us in the stands of a Nationals game, and I momentarily forgot there was a baseball game going on.

6 - I'm reaching way back here - there isn't too much that is interesting / unusual about me. But - I can flatten out my tongue and make it really big. It's gross. But it's unusual! ;-)

7 - It's against my religion to attend any Pampered Chef / Avon / Longaberger / Yankee Candle / etc. parties. Okay, it's not REALLY against my religion, but I just won't do it. I've been to one my whole life and I plan to keep it that way. (For the record, the one I went to was actually fun, so I'm not sure why I'm so averse to them.)

Phew, I finally got to 7. I am sure Michael could think of many more quirks. It's hard to think of them when they are your own! For those of you who don't have blogs, feel free to out yourself and post your 7 quirks here in the comments. I'll be waiting to read them!

Anniversaries and such

So this week, I got a note in the mail from my nurse. It was the orders for the infectious disease bloodwork with a note from her asking that we have it done again before we come back in January. That's when it hit me. That will be the year mark that we've been seeing a fertility doctor.

I remember when we first went to see him and he had both of us do all this testing and a round of antibiotics to "kill any underlying infections". He said he had all of his patients do it once a year. I remember thinking - "oh - we'll only have to do this once". You see, the fertility doctor was going to figure out what the problem was. We only needed a little help. Maybe an IUI or two. There was no way we'd be seeing the fertility doctor for more than a year. Heck, in a year, we might even have a baby. Oh, I was so naive. This is not how things were supposed to go. This is not an anniversary I wanted to have. At least we have a few more months before it's "official".


On to happier topics. Michael and I took a nice drive today. We went out to Stribling Orchard and picked lots of apples. (We got a pumpkin too.) Then, on the way home, we went by a couple of wineries. It was just a great fall day. I'm going to make an apple pie with some of those apples tomorrow. YUM! Actually, yesterday was the anniversary of the first time Michael and I met - 6 years ago. Yep - the blind date that we both agreed to so that my mom would stop bugging both of us. Happy Anniversary, Michael. And thanks, Mom! ;-)




And since I'm uploading pictures - here's a picture of us last weekend at AT's birthday tailgate in Charlottesville. That trip helped us so much in our recovery from the IVF. It was therapeutic to be able to get away and think of other things and just enjoy ourselves. Nice timing on the birthday, AT!

Infertility Petition

I'm usually not the advocacy type. I prefer to work back-channels and help people individually when I can. You know - the hotline, the DV shelter, stuff like that. That's more my speed.

But I can't really help others with infertility. I mean, I can commiserate, but I can't really HELP them have a child. Only a doctor can do that. Most states do not require insurance companies to cover infertility treatments - and most insurance companies do not cover infertility. I am one of the lucky ones. Michael and I would have virtually no chance of having a child without the insurance coverage I have through work. We probably would have plunked some cash down for a few IUI's, but we likely would have had to take out a second mortgage to afford IVF. I'm not so sure we would have done that. Are people who work for companies with not-so-great insurance less worthy of having a chance at having a child? The thought is ridiculous.

Anyway, to my point. There's an on-line petition (no groaning) about requiring infertility coverage. While this does not impact me directly, it could have if I had a different job with different insurance. It impacts almost everyone else I know who is struggling with infertility. Please take a minute to read the letter and sign the petition - if you feel so inclined. Thanks. In the spirit of being "out" about my infertility, I signed it with my real name and not "anonymous". I have no idea if this petition will do anything. Apparently, it also went around in last year's congressional session. But I figure, it can't hurt.

Here's the link (or you can click on the title of this post). Click on "See the Full Petition" to read the letter which has more details.

Like I said - I'm not usually the one speaking out in public. But this hits a little too close to home. Everyone should have an equal opportunity to have a family of their own. If there were some sort of petition for research into infertility, you know I'd be signing & promoting that one too. I feel like we barely know anything about the true causes.

**Stepping off soap box now** ;-) Thanks.

Edited To Add: I should have checked with Michael who actually works for Congress (duh) to check the status of this. Here's what he has to say on the matter:

Just saw your latest blog about the insurance coverage issue. Unfortunately the petition is wrong. That bill died in November 2006 when Congress went out of session. If people are interested in the issue and are going to advocate for it, they need to reference H.R. 2892, the Family Building Act 0f 2007. That’s the current version of the bill that was sponsored by Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY 9) during the current Congress (110th). I don’t see any companion legislation in the Senate.

It doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere unfortunately because there are only 6 co-sponsors and it hasn’t moved since being introduced in June. If people want to take action, I would suggest they contact their Members (they can find out who they are by using this link and the form at the top left of the page: http://www.house.gov/) and ask them to co-sponsor the bill. If enough people contact their Members you could see some movement in the number of co-sponsors but it will be tough in this fiscal environment.

Here’s a link to the current bill that people can check to get the latest status updates as well. You may want to update your blog with some of this information.

http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d110:h.r.02892:

The Plan

First of all, a huge THANK YOU to all of you for supporting us, praying for us, sending us good fertility vibes, and crying with us when this cycle failed. (Oh and sending chocolate to console us - that always helps!) You all have been amazing and it really does make a difference to know you have people who care. So, thank you.

We had our post-IVF consult today (or as someone else so eloquently put it - the "WTF happened?" meeting). We do have a plan for our next IVF. The doctor has no problem with taking a break, he just wants me to keep them informed about my thyroid (more on that later). There were 2 "issues" with this cycle - first, that I didn't produce many eggs and second, they obviously didn't implant. The doctor would like to focus on the egg issue because if we have more, better quality eggs, they will be more likely to implant. There are no obvious problems with my uterus or lining or anything, so that should be fine. As the doctor told us - even a 21 year old at peak fertility only has a 25% chance at implantation. (So why do I still get hopeful??) His point was that there isn't much we can do on the implantation side of things, so lets focus on egg quality.

So, the next cycle we won't do the Lupron (which apparently "quieted" my ovaries a little too much). Instead, we'll go straight from the birth control pills to the stimulation drugs at a higher dosage. I'll also take something called Ganirelix which will keep me from ovulating without suppressing my ovaries. I don't pretend to understand it all, but that's the plan. Hopefully that will result in lots of big, juicy follicles!

Okay - now for the latest on the thyroid. I had it tested in August and it was the best it's ever been (0.8), so we kept the dosage of Synthroid the same. I just had it tested last week (5 weeks later) and it was 19.8. Ummmm - excuse me? A 19-point jump?! Shouldn't I be comatose with a level that high? How / why in the heck did it spike like that? No one can tell me what happened - they just upped my Synthroid dosage. The highest it's ever been since we've been testing it is 5.2. The doctor does not seem to think it is the cause of the "negative outcome" from the IVF cycle, but he did confirm that I would NOT be able to maintain a pregnancy with that level. He asked that I keep them informed over the break about my thyroid levels and also gave me the name of an endocrinologist.

So, we're off on our merry way to a break. Hopefully, that will also allow us time to get my uncooperative thyroid in check. We'll take October and November off and then start birth control pills in December for a January IVF cycle. I don't think I'm cured of my control-freak ways - it sure feels good to have a plan.

Woman's Intuition

Remember that weird feeling I had? I guess that's what we'll call it since I was right. I hate that I was right. (You won't usually hear me saying that.)

I took the afternoon off so that I wasn't in cubeville when they called with the test results. I'm not sure if that was good or not. It gave me permission to totally lose it when I heard the nurse say, "unfortunately..." I hate that word.

Why doesn't this get any easier? And why is it happening to us? Some sort of reason would make all this a little easier to accept. I'm thinking maybe I have too many good things in my life. Maybe the universe is trying to dole out heartache and I just haven't had my share. I don't know - I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only thing that makes a lick of sense to me. My life has been pretty great. Maybe life IS fair after all and I'd just gotten used to everything being sunshine and roses.

Of course I also went through the whole blaming myself thing. With IVF, we KNOW we had 2 embryos. They were put back into my uterus. They're not there now. You do the math. When I apologized to Michael for not being able to carry the babies, he told me he was sorry that he screwed up the progesterone shots. Huh? I told him he was being ridiculous and he said, "I know - that's the point. So are you. You are NOT the reason for this." Like I said, I've been pretty lucky in life.

So - that's the update. I wish it was different. I'll probably still post here even though we'll be on a break through the holidays. (I know you all can't get enough.) And, this has become my therapy.

Thanks for all the support - the prayers, the well-wishes, and just generally rooting for us. Maybe one day...

RIP Curly and Larry.

Ambiguity

I think I've realized why I've been in such a good mood lately. (Unfortunately, I can't contribute everything to yoga.) I've truly embraced this state of limbo we are in. Which is odd because I'm a girl who likes to know where I stand. I like everything settled and neatly tied up with a bow. Nothing about this process is neat. I find that I'm actually dreading my pregnancy test because no matter what the results are, everything changes. I rather like thinking about the possibility that I could be pregnant, and I even like making plans for what to do if I'm not.

All that goes out the window once we know. Maybe it's healthy and this is a sign that I'm learning to accept that I have no control over anything. Or maybe it's really that old control freak in me rearing its ugly head again because I know I have no control over the results, so I just don't want to hear them. I could really go either way on that one. Maybe it's partially that old saying - ignorance is bliss.

So for now, I'll take the bliss and enjoy it while I can. ;-)

Weird Feeling

So much for positive thinking.

Last night, Michael and I went to see Jackopierce at the Birchmere with Ashley & Tom. We had a great time (awesome show, by the way). As I was sitting there enjoying myself - I just had this feeling come over me that I was NOT pregnant. It wasn't a sad feeling - it was just a feeling. A strangely peaceful feeling. I don't know what prompted it. Maybe that I'm not feeling any different and I feel like I should "just know" if I'm actually pregnant. I know that is crazy. I know most people have no idea.

My step-mom thinks it could just be me preparing myself mentally for bad news - just in case. Which could totally be true.

We do have a plan if this IVF didn't work. (You know me - I like a plan!) We'll be taking a break from all this for the holidays and starting back up in January. Since we can't travel during an IVF cycle, and I don't relish the thought of being pumped full of hormones during the holidays, it only makes sense. It will actually be nice to have another break - I'm remembering our summer break fondly.

So - while I feel like I'm not pregnant - I'm not actually all that negative. Odd, right?

Baby Got Back

(Warning - a large portion of this post will be devoted to my backside.)

Michael has been doing great with the shots. The actual shots don't really hurt - just a little prick and minimal discomfort as the oil is pushed in. But my butt is really sore from getting stabbed every night. My computer bag was bouncing against my hip and at first I couldn't figure out why it was so uncomfortable. Duh.

One weird thing happened the other night. Michael gave me the shot like usual - nothing out of the ordinary. He rubbed the spot afterward and I used the heating pad. When I was ready to go to bed, I took the heating pad off and tried to go to sleep. It felt like someone had a lit cigarette butt burning into my...well, butt. Youch! Then my leg would spasm involuntarily every now and then on the side where I had the shot. I couldn't sleep at all, so I gave it about a half hour before I went and took some tylenol. I think that helped because I eventually fell asleep. I'm thinking the needle must have nicked a nerve or something because last night's shot was fine. Hopefully the rest will be too!

So, one night as Michael was preparing my injection, I say, "I bet you're having a hard time finding a spot that isn't bruised." To which he lovingly replies, "Not really - there's plenty of room back here!" Niiiiiice. Makes the time that the dentist told me he didn't need to remove any of my 4 wisdom teeth because I still had plenty of room in my mouth seem like a compliment!

I'm feeling good. Much better than last Friday! I don't know if I'm just used to the hormones or what. I've got a fun weekend planned, and am just generally enjoying myself. (I think it's because I got to go to my yoga class on Tuesday - I'm addicted.) Hopefully, I can continue this waiting period on a positive note!

No Totsicles

Sorry for the Negative Nellie post Friday. I was struggling! The one side effect I thought I was avoiding came to visit me Saturday night - heartburn. Good thing I didn't have anything to do Sunday because I was up most of the night. Fun, fun! I also realized that between the hot flashes and night sweats from Clomid and all these side effects from the estrogen / progesterone combo - I can truly empathize with all the ladies at work going through menopause! Freakin' hormones.

I'm doing alright today. Of course, I'm noticing every little twinge and trying not to think anything of it. But - in the back of my head I'm wondering... I hate that.

I heard from the doctor this morning, and none of the remaining embryos made it to the stage where they can freeze them. So, no freezer babies for us. Hopefully, this cycle will work and we won't even need freezer babies. The doctor was sure to note that the fact that those embryos didn't survive doesn't mean the ones we transferred won't work. Guess that confirms that we transferred the "right" ones!

Side Effects

If even ONE of these things indicated that I was pregnant, I would be loving it. (Woo-hoo, morning sickness!) However, apparently, these are just the joys of taking estrogen and progesterone. The post-procedure instruction sheet they gave me after the transfer even says "the presence of any of these side effects in no way indicates that you are - or are not - pregnant". Thanks.

1 - Fatigue. This is always listed as a side effect of medications and I never take it seriously. I guess that is because I've never had it before. I could fall asleep at any given second. I'm seriously considering putting my head down on my desk right now. Zzzzzzzzzzz....

2 - Bloating. Even my fattest fat pants are tight. At this rate, I'll need to buy maternity clothes even if I'm not pregnant.

3 - Constipation. Ummmm...yeah. See #2. I'm chugging Metamucil. (See, Dad - not only can I say it, I can spell it too!) I know you're jealous.

4 - Breast Tenderness. To say that my bra feels like a vice is the understatement of the year.

5 - Lower Back Pain / Cramping. Can someone please take the screwdriver out of my lower back? Thanks.

People were asking how I was feeling, and I said "great!" I was being honest until last night. I felt like I had been hit by a truck once I got home from dinner with the girls. I didn't want to get up this morning, didn't want to come to work, didn't want to DO any work (why do you think I'm blogging now?). I guess all these hormones finally caught up with me. Maybe the weekend will snap me out of it.

This is also the first time I've gotten emotional about all this. I thought the hormonal insanity would hit while I was doing the ovarian stimulation, not now. I feel like everyone is sure that this IVF will work. Everyone but me. The success rate at my clinic for IVF for women under 35 is around 50%. That should be comforting, but it's not. I keep hearing the voice of my high school physics teacher after he posed a yes/no question to the class - "Well, Allison - you had a 50/50 shot and you blew it". Who knew my fertility problems would invoke the voice of good ol' Mr. Coleman?

Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive. What's the saying? - if you think you can't, you're right. Even though I'm a little grumpy, these side effects really aren't a big deal at all. If it gets me closer to being a mom, it's all worth it. Plus, I'm imagining pregnancy is WAY worse in terms of discomfort!

And Now We Wait....

Everything went well this morning! DC traffic actually cooperated and we got there about 1/2 hour early. I had to pace myself on the water consumption, even though my family jokes that I'm a camel (since I usually only have to stop once on an 8 hour car trip). We went into this tiny room and I think they had some sort of competition to see how many people they could fit in there. Seriously - it was Michael and I, 2 doctors, 2 nurses, an ultrasound technician, and the embryologist. For those of you keeping track, that's 8 people in a little room the size of a closet.

We decided to take the doctors' advice and put back the 2 strongest embryos. One was 7 cells and Grade 1 (the best it can be) and the other was 5 cells and Grade 2 (it's a grade lower because they like to see between 6-8 cells). If I'm lucky enough that both implant, it doesn't mean that one will be behind the other. They are both following normal cell division. The other 2 were only 4 cells, so we'll let them keep dividing for a few more days. If they look promising, we will go ahead and cryopreserve (freeze) them.

Using the external ultrasound (no wand today), they showed us where my uterus was and where the catheter was. Then, when they inserted the catheter that had the embryos, we could see it and we saw a little flash of white at the tip of the catheter - that was the embies being shot into my uterus. Crazy!

And now for the special treat! They gave us a picture of our embryos before we left. These are the two we inserted - Larry and Curly (per Ann-Tyler's request). However, I'm not sure which is which. We stopped at McDonald's on the way home, so my poor embryos' first food was a McGriddle. I promise to eat healthier from here on out! I'll be on bed rest today and part of tomorrow, then no exercising for 5 days. After that, I can resume normal activity - but I'm thinking I'll give up kickboxing for the next few weeks.

We won't know the results for several weeks. Which is bizarre given that I've been poked and prodded almost every day up to this point. I've has ultrasound results, bloodwork results, embryo reports, etc. Now, nothing. For weeks. We are purposefully not sharing the date of the pregnancy test. If it's negative, we will need some time to ourselves to grieve. Along the same lines, over the next few weeks, please don't ask me if I "feel pregnant" (ahem - MOM). I promise to let you all know when we have news to share. Thanks for understanding. I love you all, and thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Target Practice

Unfortunately, I saw the progesterone shot last night before Michael attempted to give it to me. I even quizzed him about whether or not he was using the right needle. Needless to say, he wasn't too happy with me. I should know by now not to doubt him on this stuff - he's very meticulous! ;-)

Anyway, all 4 of our embryos divided. YAY! We had two 2-celled, one 4-celled, and one 5-celled - according to my doctor, a very normal rate. We are tentatively scheduled for the transfer at 8:45 AM tomorrow morning. The doctor explained that since I only have 4 embryos to start out with, they like to put the best looking ones back as soon as possible since embryos do better in the uterus than in a petri dish. (Hence the Day 3 transfer instead of Day 5 for me. Makes sense...) If there are 2 that look particularly good tomorrow, they will put back 2. They'll call us in the morning to let us know how it is looking. I think it is really up to us how many they put back. The doctor said that with a Day 3 transfer, the success rate is higher if they put back 2. (Of course, so is the chance of multiples!)

The transfer is really no big deal - I am awake for it and Michael will be there with me. They have me drink 32 oz of water 1 hour before my appointment so my bladder is nice and full so they'll be able to see my uterus better on the ultrasound. From what I understand, we'll be able to watch them put the embies back into my uterus with a catheter on the ultrasound monitor. Sounds pretty cool!

I'll post again tomorrow once we get back from the doctor to give you all the update!

Fertilization Report

Of the 8 eggs they got yesterday, 6 were mature. Of those 6, 4 fertilized! So, we have 4 embryos to watch. (Michael has named them Larry, Curly, Moe, and Shemp.) My doctor called this morning to give us the good news. I asked about what percentage they look for to continue to grow and divide after fertilization, and he said the majority - around 80%. He said we'd need to wait until tomorrow to see how they're growing, but that they'd most likely do a Day 3 transfer - which means Tuesday. He'll call me tomorrow and let me know.

We are just so excited to have 4 that fertilized! They will either put back one or two embryos. Let's just hope at least one of those nestles in and implants.

We started the progesterone shots last night. Michael did great. I think it helps that I can't see them. I think that is what was freaking me out about the others.

So - good news all around today! Here's hoping it continues tomorrow!

The Eggs Have Landed

Today went completely smoothly - I'm so relieved. Michael was the best. He pampered me, distracted me, and was just generally great. We got there on time, the process was very efficient and relatively painless, and - the best news of all - THEY GOT 8 EGGS! The doctor said that there were probably a couple of smaller follicles that were hiding. They won't know the quality of those eggs until tomorrow, so he said they may not have been mature, but he took 'em anyway. We should get a call tomorrow afternoon with "the fertilization report".

Okay - so a couple of funny things that happened.

1 - Hygiene. This morning, I was so focused on making sure I ate something before 8:15 AM, making sure I didn't use any deodorant, make-up, or lotion after I showered, etc. that I totally forgot to brush my teeth. I realized it when we were on the highway. ICK!!! I thought my mouth felt so gross because I needed water. Hope I didn't knock any of the medical staff out with the kickin' breath! I think I forgot because I usually do that after I put my face lotion on in the AM. Since I skipped that step, my routine was out of whack. Nasty.

2 - Anesthesia. (Sorry, Ash - I really didn't do anything too embarrassing - like grab a nurse's butt.) When Michael was waking me up (which was really nice so I didn't wake up to a nurse briskly yelling my name), my eye felt itchy so I tried to scratch it. Through my glasses. Several times. Made Michael laugh at least, but frustrated the heck out of me!

3 - Hospital Bracelet. We went out to grab a bite to eat on the way home from the procedure. Michael hadn't eaten anything in solidarity with me. (Or maybe because I woke him up about 15 minutes before we had to leave...) Anyway, we're sitting at our table and Michael says - "you gonna wear that all day?" I looked like some sort of mental patient escapee.

We came home, turned on some football and took a killer nap. I feel a little crampy, but nothing major. I've taken some Tylenol and they gave me a prescription just in case I was in a lot of pain. As Eddie Murphy would say - I got some Vicodin - and you don't got none. I haven't needed any yet, but if I do - Ash you might get your wish of seeing me loopy.

We start the butt shots tonight. That's progesterone in oil, and I'll be on that until I have the pregnancy test in about 2 weeks. Michael will be doing the shots (he's a little too excited about this), and I'll be taking estrogen pills called Estrace and baby aspirin. I'm hoping the passing out days are behind me.

So for now, it's football and sitting around on the couch. You know - a normal weekend for a guy. Here's hoping for a good fertilization report tomorrow!

Wow

Just got the call. We are triggering tonight. I quizzed the nurse so much, she finally had to have a doctor call me back. She said that 3 different doctors looked at my case and 2 said to trigger tonight while 1 said to wait until tomorrow. Of course, the one who said to wait is my doctor who I love who is out of town - he sent his input via Crackberry. Sooo - the doctor I saw this morning is the one who called me back and she served as the tie-breaker between the other 2 doctors. She said she was concerned that at the pace my follicles have been growing, if we wait, we risk losing all of them (they'll be "overmature" and won't fertilize). I guess I need to trust the experts at this point! (Lord knows, they've done this more times than I have.)

She wants me to go ahead and do the Follistim and Menopur again tonight to give them a last minute boost, in addition to the trigger. They give you a specific time for the trigger depending on when your egg retrieval (ER) is scheduled, so my time is 12:15 AM tonight. I can't decide whether to set my alarm or just stay up. Either way, I'll be half asleep while giving myself a shot!

The ER will be on Saturday, 9/8 at 12:15 PM. (Sorry, Ash - guess we have to cancel our long-awaited pedicure appointment! Oh, and you'll have to find an alternate location for the Nebraska-Wake viewing.) We'll need to get there by 10:45 AM, and I can't have anything to eat after 5:15 AM, and nothing to drink after 8:15 AM. Michael noted that I should be in a fabulous mood by 1 PM with nothing in my system. I think I'll be getting up early (used to it by now!) just so there's something in me - even if it's only clear liquids...

For those of you who want a little IVF primer - the ER is done under general anesthesia through an IV. Once I am under, they use an ultrasound to guide a needle through my vaginal wall into my ovaries to aspirate the follicles and (hopefully!) suck an egg out of each. We're hoping for 6 good ones! Then, they combine Michael's sperm with my eggs in spearate petri dishes and monitor them closely. They will call us the following day to give us the fertilization report - how many of my eggs fertilized and how they're doing so far. I believe they call us every day after that to give us a progress report. Depending on how the embryos are progressing, they will decide to put 1 or 2 back in me on either Tuesday, 9/11 (Happy Birthday, La!), or Thursday, 9/13. I'm hoping for 9/13 since it will mean the embryos are in better shape (even though it means I'll miss our Monthly Girls' Dinner).

I think that is all I know for now. Head is still spinning. Deep breaths.

My Head is Spinning

And it isn't because I'm dizzy from giving myself a shot this time.

I had a different doctor today (mine is at a conference), and she said based on the size of my follies, she thinks they'll go ahead and trigger me...TONIGHT! Yikes! I was planning on the schedule I posted yesterday! Don't these people know I'm a planner?!

Anyway, I won't know for sure until they call me this afternoon with my bloodwork results, so I'll post more when I know it. I'm suddenly scared.

Tentative Schedule

Okay - the follies didn't exactly catch up, but they aren't too far behind so the doctor was hopeful that with a couple more days of injections, we'd be set for IVF. YAHOO! It looks like I will have 6 follicles (which hopefully means 6 eggs for them to retrieve).

The tentative schedule is for me to continue the injections tonight and tomorrow night, do the trigger shot (for final egg maturation) on Friday, and go in for the egg retrieval on Sunday 9/9 (Happy Birthday, Kristi!). Then, depending on how the embryos are looking / developing, they'll do to the transfer (where they put them back into me) on either Wednesday, 9/12, or Friday, 9/14. I'm hoping for 9/14 just because that will mean there are several embryos that are looking good and are further developed (better success rate). I go back for yet another wanding & bloodwork tomorrow (because that is now how I love to start my day) to make sure that we are on track for the tentative schedule.

Dad, sorry this has been so technical. I hope the above stuff makes sense! WHAT-DOES-THE-YELLOW-LIGHT-MEAN? No, seriously, just let me know if you have questions.

Thanks everyone. Keep pulling for these follicles!

Get Along, Little Follies

Remember how I thought I had 2 big follicles on each side (for a total of 4)? Well, that was incorrect. Apparently, the tech could SEE 4 follicles, but only 2 of them were big. At the ultrasound yesterday, I had 1 follicle on each side measuring around 16 and then about 3 other follicles smaller than 10. My nurse was pretty concerned the big ones were growing so fast and did confirm for me that they would not do an IVF with 2 follicles. But - she told me to come back the next day (today) for another u/s because sometimes when it looks like 1 large follie, it's actually several little ones all clumped together - depending on the angle.

So, today. The bad news is that I still only have 2 big follies. The good news is that it looks like my smaller ones are catching up proportionally faster. I also had my doctor in for the u/s this morning and he made me feel much better. He said my uterine lining looks great - and he is hopeful those smaller follies would keep up the pace they are on. He told me there is a chance if those 2 big ones get much bigger before the others catch up, they will convert this cycle to an IUI (turkey baster method), but for now he's thinking things still look good for the IVF. I go back in tomorrow for more bloodwork and ultrasound to check the progress. In the words of my doctor - "tomorrow is a very important day". We will likely know if we're going the IVF route or converting to IUI depending on how things look. I'll keep you posted.

Catch up, little follies, catch up!

Psyched Out

Last night, I prepared both shots and decided to start out with the Menopur to get it over with. I even did it while Michael was awake and sat at the table. After I started the injection, I started seeing stars and getting really hot. Michael had to bring me water. I stuck with it (no pun intended) - I think I just freaked myself out. I don't know. I started thinking it was the meds. I was planning to ask a nurse about it today when I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound, but that's a whole other story. The good news is that I was totally fine with the shots tonight. (Even with Michael yelling during the Auburn game.) I think I need to do the Follistim first to get "warmed up".

Okay - so this morning I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound. They leave me sitting pantsless in the exam room for no less than 20 minutes. Different people would come in - be surprised that I was in there, and say something like - I'll let them know you're here. So finally, this ultrasound technician comes in, acts surprised and then just gets started. I've always had a doctor or nurse in addition to the tech, but I just figured they'd come in. They didn't. And the tech didn't tell me anything. The only thing I managed to get out of her was that I had 2 follicles on each side somewhere around 11 mm. So, I was going to ask the nurse who called with my bloodwork results - but she called when we ran to the grocery store (of course). Her message said my estrogen level was good and to continue my dosage and come back in on Monday AM.

That probably all sounds fine to you, but I'm feeling very frustrated right now. 4 follicles is not enough for an IVF cycle. If I don't produce some more good ones, they'll either cancel this cycle or convert it to another IUI. I doubt they'll do the IUI because with 4 good follicles, that means there's a chance (albeit slim) that I'll get pregnant with quads. And I think I'm frustrated that I couldn't talk to anyone about all this today.

So, please root for more follies! I hope Monday shows some more good ones. Fingers crossed!

Drama Queen

Some of you remember that when I was little, I used to pass out whenever Ashley would hurt herself (my poor mother is all I have to say about that). Then, a few years back, I was fainting again for no reason and had a complete workup and docs concluded that I was "prone to vagal episodes". (The equivalent of "unexplained").

I learned last night that it's bad to have a "vagal episode" when you have a needle in your stomach.

Michael had already gone up to bed and I was just going about my injection business. I had already done the Follistim and was giving myself the Menopur injection. You have to push the really slowly on the syringe because the medicine burns like a you-know-what. Well, I got about halfway through and started feeling the familiar signs of fainting. I leaned on the counter, bent my knees more, and started deep breathing. Thank goodness I was able to finish the shot and remove the needle before I passed out. I had to sit down and put my head between my knees for several minutes before it passed.

Lessons learned - (1) SIT DOWN while giving the injections, and (2) do it while Michael is still awake!

I've Changed My Mind

Not about anything to do with IVF or having a baby, but about the blog. When I first started this in the spring, I think I only shared it with our siblings and parents. Then I started letting a few friends know who asked about how we were doing with all this. Then I started mentioning it to other family & friends. I asked that you all share it selectively, if at all.

Well, I've changed my mind. I say if people want to read about injections and follicles, have at it. I'm not sure why I was nervous about people reading this in the first place. Maybe because reproduction is such a personal thing. Maybe because I didn't really think anyone would WANT to read it. Or because it's kind of like reading my diary. Maybe it's because I was ashamed of our infertility - our apparent inability to do what every species on the planet can do seemingly without effort. I didn't want people to judge us or pity us.

I now realize that there's no use in being ashamed. Our troubles conceiving have nothing to do with us as people or with anything that either of us have done. It's not God telling us we'd be bad parents. It just is what it is - something for us to deal with. So - feel free to share the blog. Maybe it can even help someone else. At the least, it can help others to understand infertility a little more. (I know I was clueless before all this.) I've shared it with an on-line group of women struggling with their own fertility situations - incredibly strong, kind, wonderful women that I am so grateful to have found. It's good to be able to talk to people who know me in real life about this - but to be able to "talk" to people who have been there - or are there right now is so helpful and in a way, therapeutic.

So - with that out of the way - on to the injection report! The Follistim was easy - same thing I did for the IUI's, just more of it. The Menopur threw me for a loop though. I had 2 different syringes, 2 vials of powder, 1 vial of sterile water, and a Q-cap (which is kind of like a little internal needle that fits on a vial). Somehow - the stuff from those 3 vials had to get into me. Even with the instructions, I was stymied! Michael had to come help me. I was surprised that he knew what to do and he said - yeah, it's not like I went to a class for this or anything. ;-) So, he helped me figure it out and the needle was really very small, but the medication did burn a bit going in. Luckily, I didn't have any sort of skin reaction to it like the Lupron. And - I haven't freaked out and started randomly crying today with these hormones, so that is good too! Don't worry - I'll be sure to let you all know any insane things I do. I'm sure we'll get at least one good freak out through all this.

Done with Lupron!

Check one drug off my list. No more Lupron shots! I went in this morning for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries are nice and quiet. Looks like the Lupron did its job and everything is good and calm in there. Tonight I will start 2 new injections - Follistim (which I have done before with the IUI's) and Menopur. The Menopur involves mixing some sort of powder into sterile water vials, drawing it into a syringe, and injecting myself. Yes, I have officially turned our kitchen into some sort of freaky drug lab.

They'll call me with the results of the bloodwork this afternoon to give me the official go ahead for the shots tonight. I'm not anticipating anything stopping that - they are just doing a precautionary pregnancy test and checking my estrogen levels. That should all be fine.

I'll do these shots for 3 days and then go back in for more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Saturday morning to check progress. I'll likely continue those shots for another several days to a week. I'll post the follicle update Saturday - keep your fingers crossed for many nicely growing follies!

1 Down, 599 to Go

Did the first shot like a CHAMP! Now I'm not so sure what I was so worked up about. Well, yes I am - it was the unknown. I'd never had to draw medicine out of a vial and inject it into myself. All the other injections I've done have been pre-filled syringes. For those, I just had to get used to the idea of sticking myself with a needle. (Still working on getting used to that by the way...) For this one, there seemed to be several places where I could screw up. The next shot I have to do involves mixing some sort of powder into a solution. Sounds like a science project. I won't have to do that one for another week.

So, our schedule is that I'll stop the birth control pills on Saturday (8/25) and wait for my period to start. Once that happens, I'll go in for some baseline testing (bloodwork and ultrasound) and further instructions (like when to start the next shots...), and we'll be off and running.

I'm kind of kidding with the 600 shots, but seriously, it's a lot.

Last Day of Normalcy

Tomorrow is the first of my many injections. I realized that this is the last day for a long time that I am free of any additional hormones coursing through my body.

Looking at that from a positive viewpoint - after tomorrow, I'll be able to randomly freak out on people and have a legitimate excuse. Heh-heh.

More seriously, I'm excited to get started - but I'm also scared. I just had my bloodwork done this morning for my thyroid because the main danger with the Hashimoto's is risk of miscarriage. I can only imagine going through all this, having it work, and then losing the baby because of my stupid thyroid. But - I can only worry about one thing at a time (and right now it's doing the new injection in the morning). ;-)

I think that's all for now. I'll let you know how tomorrow morning goes!

Mocked Up

I had the Mock Embryo Transfer this morning. I wasn't worried about it at all. That is, until I got to the doctor's office and had to sign some consent thing about all the risks. Oh - and the form said something about it being similar to the HSG (which is the test I had back in March to make sure my tubes weren't blocked - and was seriously painful).

Luckily, this experience was nothing like the HSG. Phew! Before the doctor started, I expressed some concern about the catheter and he assured me that it was nothing like the one used for the HSG. He told me to let him know if anything hurt and he'd stop right away. He also gave me the blow-by-blow of everything that he was doing which was also nice. It was mildy uncomfortable, but no big deal. (Oh, and it only took about 15 minutes.)

He inserted a catheter into my uterus and squirted some water in there so that it would show up on the ultrasound. Then, we looked at the catheter and the little bit of water in the uterus so that we could see where the embryos would be placed during the actual transfer. Everything looked good! He also checked out my ovaries while he was in there and they look nice and quiet as they should. No cysts or anything at all to be concerned about.

I did ask him again about my FSH level (follicle stimulating hormone). Mine was 10.8 when they did my initial tests and anything over 10 is considered "diminished ovarian reserve" - meaning - not too many eggs left in the basket. He said he would be concerned if my other levels (estrogen, leutinizing hormone (LH) etc.) were out of whack and if I hadn't been responding well to the stimulation medication used for the prior IUI's. Since those all look fine and I'm "still young", he's not worried. He said he will likely be a little more aggressive in the dosage of the stimulation medication for me for the IVF because of my FSH level, but that it's no cause for concern. So - that made me feel better. Some of the very scientific Internet research I did mentioned early menopause. Sometimes the Internet is not your friend.

So, based on the practice run, all should go well for the Embryo Transfer. Only a week and a day until I start the first injections. Fun, fun!

I Could Be an Intravenous Drug User

Seriously. With the amount of meds and syringes I now have - and the level of comfort I now have around needles, I'm a little worried about the slippery slope to the hey-ron. Okay, not really. (I still don't have to find a vein).

We had our IVF class this morning. On the way there, we were going over all the consent forms for the procedures and for cryopreservation (freezing any extra embryos). We had to not only decide what we want to do with any embryos they don't put back in me this time, but we also had to decide what would happen to the frozen ones if we get divorced, if one of us dies, or if both of us die. Happy conversation. If both of us die, we can give ownership of the embryos to someone else. So - Ashley got a really weird call this morning! She's now officially the godmother of our future frozen embryos. How's that for weird?

The class took way longer than I thought. Luckily, Michael took advantage of the downtime at his office and had taken the whole day off. The nurse spent the first 1/2 hour going over the IVF process & what to expect, the 2nd 1/2 hour explaining all the meds, and the 3rd 1/2 hour having us practice with the injections in this nasty piece of rubber-flesh.

Let me just say that I am SO glad we had done shots before with the IUI stuff. There was another couple in there who had never done injections and I swear the woman looked like she was going to pass out. We had to go over how to give ourselves 4 different shots and how our husbands had to give us 1 shot in the "upper hip". (Umm, yeah - that's the butt.) Luckily, I've already given myself 2 of those shots so it wasn't quite so overwhelming. The needle for the big shot in the butt is HUGE. I am scared about that one, but I'm trying not to think about it. The nurse actually had to tell us not to try to do that one on our own. Who does that?

After the class, we went to pick up the prescriptions - and left with not one, but TWO shopping bags full of meds and needles. If I can figure out how to post a photo of them all, I will. Anyway, here are the estimated dates for stuff - hope it makes sense. Now, don't break out your calendar right now to put all those dates in - because they'll most likely change. ;-) Don't worry, I'll keep you posted here on our progress.

8/14 - Mock Embryo Transfer (trial run for the real thing)
8/23 - Start Lupron Injections (to quiet the ovaries before stimulation) & Baby Aspirin (to thicken uterine lining so the embryo will have something to latch onto once they put it in)
8/25 - Stop Birth Control Pills
8/28 - Expect start of period
8/30 (or day 2 or 3 of period) - Bloodwork and Ultrasound (to ensure ovaries and hormones are ready for stimulation). Wait for instructions to start daily Follistim & Menopur injections (to make those eggs grow, grow, grow!) After I start these injections, I'll be going in for bloodwork & ultrasound every other day - then every day as we get close to retrieval.
9/10 - Estimated Egg Retrieval Date
9/13 - Estimated Embryo Transfer Date & start of Progesterone Injections (the dreaded butt shots)

After the embryo transfer, I'll have 24 hours of bedrest. Glad we've got lots on TiVo! I better make sure it's stuff I actually want to watch.

Okay, so I'll end with the funny part in all this - right before Michael has to give me the butt shots, they will draw targets on both cheeks with a Sharpie! Maybe we'll take pictures of THAT! Ha!

I Told My Boss

I hadn't been NOT telling her on purpose. It had just never come up. When we talk, we usually talk about work. And I know she is a very private person, so it isn't like we share personal stuff anyway. However, one of my close friends at work (Lura) gave me the heads up that - while I was on vacation our boss asked her if I was trying to have kids. So, I figured I should probably tell her - especially with me needing to take a lot of leave with the IVF stuff coming up.

She was AMAZING. I swear - it's like she had the handbook of all the wonderful, supportive things a boss should say. She didn't tell me to relax, tell me that my time would come, or try to offer up advice. She simply said she couldn't imagine what I must have been going through during this whole process. When I told her about needing some time off after the IVF (I think I'll be on bedrest for 48 hours), she offered to come over to entertain me if I get bored.

I am so thankful to work in such a great environment, for such an understanding woman. It's a relief that she knows, even though it wasn't something I was consciously hiding from her. It's nice to have a good story to tell every now and then with all this infertility stuff. So - I thought I'd share it with you all. ;-)

We have our IVF injection class tomorrow and I'll pick up my prescriptions (which I understand will take up an entire crisper drawer in the fridge) tomorrow, so I'll probably post more then.

The Train Has Left the Station...

We are off and running with IVF! Right on cue, I started my period on Sunday (Day 24). I just followed the instructions on the birth control pills and went ahead and took the first pill on "the Sunday following your period, or the Sunday it starts". Apparently, that was incorrect. Oops! I was supposed to call the clinic on Day 1 and they would instruct me for what to do next. I somehow missed that. The nurse said she would have had me wait until Tuesday to start the Pill, but that it was really no big deal. Phew. I was worried I had already screwed up my IVF cycle before it even started. Leave it to me.

So, here's what I know so far. We have our injections class this Thursday 8/9. Michael gets to learn how to give me shots in the booty this time. Woo hoo! I don't know which of us is more excited. The majority of my shots are subcutaneous which means they can just be in any old fatty part of me. (I choose to pinch some skin on my tummy for those.) The progesterone shots that I will need to sustain any potential early pregnancy after they do the IVF (put the embryos back in me) need to be intramuscular - which means they need to be in the upper outer quadrant of my rear. That's where lucky ol' Michael comes in. Normally, progesterone is produced by the ovaries after ovulation, but since my ovaries will be suppressed (if I ovulate, they can't get the eggs!), and hyperstimulated (to produce lots and lots of good eggs), the normal hormonal process is all screwed up - so I'll need extra progesterone.

After our class, I am scheduled for a "mock embryo transfer" on 8/14. That is where they put a catheter into my uterus and take a look at the lay of the land. They want to make sure they know all the bumps that could occur during the actual embryo transfer, so they literally make a map of my uterus so they know the best place to put the little guys.

After that, I will start the Lupron injections on 8/23. Lupron will supress ovulation so the eggs stay squarely in my ovaries until they are ready to remove them surgically.

Those are all the dates I know right now. The actual procedure dates will be based on how I respond to the stimulation medication. I'm not sure when I will start that - but it will likely be late August / early September.

Here's a pretty nice (but technical) summary of IVF for anyone who is interested...
http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/treatmentsearch/treatment_listing_detail.cfm?ListID=1259 I'll add it to the links on the side for future reference. I've read it several times and still don't totally understand it, but it will at least give you an idea of what goes on.

Checking In

Just checking in. I can't believe it has been almost a month since the last post.

The beach was perfect - just what I needed. The only thing fertility related was that I started my period while there (of course). And - while I knew I wasn't pregnant, those gut wringing cramps just seem to serve as a reminder of my barren status. Like my body is saying "nah-nah-ne-boo-boo".

So - where we are now is that I will start taking birth control pills to prepare for IVF once I start my next cycle - which should be the beginning of August (right when I am on my Girls' Weekend with my friends because it's a rule that anytime you are going to be in a bathing suit or on vacation, THAT is when you get your period).

I'm not entirely sure why I take the Pill the month before the IVF cycle, but I believe it has to do with them having more control over my cycle. They don't want you to ovulate on an IVF cycle because they go in and retrieve the eggs directly from the ovaries. I have several other questions for the doctor. The IVF stuff is all still very vague to me, so I need to read up.

Michael and I talked about all this the other day and it was really the first time we've talked about it since we decided to take a break. We actually feel the same way - this break has been great for both of us. And I think it's been good for us as a couple too. Neither of us felt we were missing anything these past couple of months - it was kind of a nice change. We are going to give this IVF a shot and if it isn't successful, we will re-evaluate where we are and what we want to do.

I'll post more once I have some answers about the IVF process and understand it a little better. I just wanted to give you all some sort of an update!

There's No Crying in Kickboxing!

So apparently, those random emotional freak-outs weren't ENTIRELY due to the fertility drugs. I had one on Saturday at the end of my kickboxing class. I've been taking this class for a few years. I remember when my instructor told us she was pregnant to explain why she was modifying the moves. I rememeber thinking (at the time, blissfully ignorant about my infertility) - oh good, now I'll know how to modify when I'm pregnant and I won't have to say anything.

At the end of class Saturday when we were doing some toning moves, the instructor tells us that this one move was a pilates move - and goes on to say how that helped her more than anything else get back into shape after the birth of her daughter. I'm thinking, "ah, good to know". THEN she says - "Can you all believe my daughter is a year old now?".

That's when I lost it. I realized just how long we have been trying to have a child. Just remembering when she was first pregnant, and feeling like I'd be there soon - now knowing that her daughter is actually mobile and I'm at the same point - childless (and in WORSE physical shape to top it off). Ugh. Luckily, we were laying on mats and I had a towel I could use to hide my face and my tears. It was such a reality slap. (And I'm using the word slap instead of check on purpose. So much more fitting.)

So I guess it can't ALL be attributed to the drugs. (But when I'm back on them, I'll totally be using them as an excuse again.) ;-)

I have to admit, it has been nice not having to schedule a bazillion doctor's appointments this month, give myself shots in the stomach, or try as hard as I can to "think positively". I guess Saturday made me realize that I can take a break from the drugs and the treatments, but I can't take a break from the infertility. (If only!)

For now, Michael and I are enjoying just being. The beach trip couldn't come at a better time!

Break Time

(Doesn't that make you think about the lifeguard at the pool blowing the whistle?)

Like clockwork, I started my period 2 days before the pregnancy test was scheduled. I should have updated you all sooner, but Michael's parents were in town visiting so I wasn't really on the computer. I think that was a good thing - I couldn't get too down in the dumps this time as I had other things to focus on. I also hadn't let my hopes get too high since nothing was different. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad, but I just kind of expected it I guess.

I am not going in for any Day 3 bloodwork this time. We need a break from all this. I'm happy to have a month (at least) of relaxing and not injecting myself with anything. I'm not even going to go in for any acupuncture. In some ways I am feeling relieved, and in some ways I am feeling anxious and impatient. I know that patience is something I need to work on anyway, so the break will be good for me. We're going to the beach in a few weeks (and already counting down the days). We need some time away. Vacation, beach, break time, it's all good.

Thanks for all your kind words and prayers. I realized I've been focusing a lot of energy on my unanswered prayers of having a child when I have so much in my life to be thankful for otherwise. I am going to try to spend more time being thankful than being wishful. Thank you all for always being there and for being so understanding.

I might not update the blog as much on the break, but who knows. I might still have those random emotional freak-outs even though I'm not shooting up with hormones.

Epiphany

I know I've been hesitant about moving on to IVF, but I couldn't put a finger on why. Well, a conversation with Cindy this weekend pretty much cleared it up. I thought I was worried about the egg retrieval (where they put you under and put a needle through the vaginal wall into the ovary to harvest the eggs). Turns out, I'm worried because if we move to IVF - that means that is our last shot at becoming parents. (Okay - I'm still queasy about the needle through the vaginal wall thing, but that's not the main issue.) ;-) Up until this point, I've felt like we were at the beginning of treatment and there were so many other things left to try. Now there is ONE option left. That scares me.

Michael is fine either way - he'd love to have kids, but he's happy with our life as it is. I'm having a hard time changing the picture I had in my mind of what my family would be. I'm happy with our life now too, but I always thought we'd be parents at some point. I know life doesn't always turn out like you expect it to, but I never in a million years imagined that I wouldn't be a mom.

I feel like I need to get to the point where I'm okay with never having children. I think that would help lessen the pressure I'm putting on myself and make IVF less scary. Shady Grove has some counselors, so I'm trying to set up an appointment for us to talk to someone. It's been awhile since I've been in therapy - but I also haven't had to deal with something like this for awhile either. (Thank GOD!)

(Hopefuly Moot) Decisions

We had our IVF consultation with the RE this morning. He did answer most of our questions, but the main question I want the answer to - WHY can't we get pregnant - is of course, impossible to answer. He does not think my thyroid issue has any bearing on my ability to get pregnant. He said it would, however, impact my ability to maintain a pregnancy. I asked for possible reasons that the IUI hadn't worked - and there are many: sprem not being able to get to the fallopian tubes, fallopian tubes not releasing the egg properly, defective eggs, body producing antibodies rejecting sperm or fertilized egg, sperm not penetrating egg, etc.

If & when we do IVF, we will be able to see some of those things in action - for example, if the sperm can't penetrate the egg since it will be happening in a petri dish. Oh - and I did ask about the chances again. Each IUI has a 15-18% chance of being successful. IVF has a 55-60% chance of being successful. We have the option to do one more IUI or to go straight to IVF now. Our insurance will cover 3 IVF cycles.

I honestly don't know what we will do. Michael and I didn't have time to talk about any of this today, as we both had to get to work after the appointment. IVF has a much better success rate, but it is also much more invasive. I might do a separate post about what IVF involves, as the RE went through that with us today too.

And, of course, the hormones rage on. I nearly started crying today twice for no good reason. Once during our consult and then again during our management team meeting where we were discussing a case where a 3 year old had broken ribs, broken leg, fractured skull, etc. Yes, it's sad - but I hear these things ALL THE TIME. Pull it together, man!

So whatever we do, I think I need a break from these hormones to get some of my normal self back. Of course, I'm hoping we won't have to make the decision at all! However, I think we need to have a plan in place just in case.

The Deed is Done

Well, that was it. The 3rd and final IUI. This one actually hurt a little - althought it was so fast, it didn't really matter. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. I don't know how I'm feeling right now. Excited that this might be the one; scared that this might be the one; doubtful that this might be the one - since nothing is any different this time. I'm going to stick with hopeful, though. I need to just realize that I can't protect myself from being shattered when I start my period / get a negative blood test. I have to go into this with hope - I just have to.

On another note, I finally got the results from my bloodwork for my Thyroid - to see if the dosage was right. I had to get the lab to mail it to me since my primary care doctor seems to be incompetent and lost the results. (If anyone in No.Va. has any primary care recommendations - I'm looking.) Anyway, on the 25 mcg of Synthroid, My TSH was still at 4-point something which was still high, so we doubled the dosage and now...(drumroll, please)... it is down to 1.4!!! I'm planning to ask the RE about it tomorrow when we have our consult. From the research I have done, that is the ideal number for women with Hashimoto's to get and stay pregnant. Yahoo!!! Another reason to have hope.

FYI - I added a link over to the left about thyroid disease and infertility if you are interested.

I'll probably post again tomorrow after our consult.

We're On

During the ultrasound this morning, the technician said "There's the baby-making follicle" as she was measuring. The follicle she was referring to was 19.6. There were some others that were between 12 & 15, but she and the doctor agreed that the 19.6 one was "it". The doctor mentioned that there was just as much likelihood that I'd get pregnant with 1 egg as with 3. I didn't realize that! You learn something new every day. I think there's something about after one egg fertilizes, it starts releasing hormones that stop the others.

The bottom line is that we trigger tonight and our 3rd (and final) IUI will be on Tuesday. It just seems really fast since it hasn't even been a week since I started my period. I guess upping the dosage of the drugs helped the eggs grow more quickly. We have our consult about IVF on Wednesday - which will be good to have a back-up plan if for some reason this cycle doesn't work. I don't mean I won't be sad, but it will be nice to know there is a plan.

Think good thoughts for us on Tuesday!

Common Thread

The waiting room at Shady Grove was packed this morning. I didn't have a magazine, so I was looking around at the other people who were there. I found myself trying to find a common flaw in all of us. Looking for what it was that was wrong with us that we were all still childless. Infertility seems to spare no one. There were people of all races, a punk rock chick, a preppy uptight looking lady clutching her husband, heavy ladies, skinny ladies, tomboys, and girlie-girls. I guess that is somewhat comforting, but I'd feel better if I could just figure out what was wrong - with me, with any of us in that room.

They had trouble getting blood this morning. I swear, if I hadn't been sitting down I would have passed out. She was digging around in my arm with the needle to try to get the vein. It didn't hurt or anything, it just made me get weak in the knees. I get a little dizzy just thinking about it.

The nurse said my follicles were "all over the place". Apparently, I have a bunch of little ones, but I have one large one on my right side (13.1 mm) and 3 bigger ones on my left side (17.3, 12.5, and 10.8). My estrogen levels were good (if they were low it would indicate that my ovaries wouldn't be able to release any of these developing eggs) - the estrogen levels should be in line with the number and size of the follicles, which they are. They want me to continue my shots tonight and then come back tomorrow for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. They couldn't get a reading for the luteinizing hormone (LH) from my blood from today for some reason. They need that because a LH surge would indicate that I was getting ready to ovulate - and we'd have to work fast!

After my appointment, I went to the gym looking like some sort of drug addict or hospital escapee with gauze and tape on both of my arms. I decided I didn't really care! Anyway, I'll update you all again tomorrow afternoon/evening on the follicle situation and the next steps.

Back on the Bandwagon

Sorry I haven't updated you all this week. We are back in the game. This will be our last IUI before moving to IVF (petri dish method). We have a consultation with the doctor to discuss our options (mainly IVF) next week. They said it was good to do that mentally before your last IUI so that you know you do have options and you aren't hanging all your hopes and dreams on that cycle. Makes sense.

So - the Day 3 ultrasound Wednesday showed that I already had one follicle on each ovary. They were either follicles or cysts, but even if they were cysts, they were so small that they weren't concerned about them. The doctor said my ovaries and my uterine lining look great. They have no idea why last time didn't work - but there's only a 20% chance each time anyway. They upped my dosage of Follistim this time - that's the shot in the stomach that makes me produce more & better quality eggs. I go in for another ultrasound & bloodwork to see how I am responding tomorrow morning. Hopefully I have a few really good quality eggs and not a bazillion sucky ones.

My acupuncturist was really sweet - he said he thought last cycle was it and seemed genuinely bummed that I wasn't pregnant. I told him that Monday was a pretty emotional day for me. When he was done putting the needles in me, he put some needles in my forehead and kind of whispered - these are for emotions. This time I had them in my wrists & feet again, but also my inner ankles and inner shins to nourish the follicles to help them grow. He didn't put the needles in my ear this time, BUT (here's the coolest part) - I now have ESP's - Ear Seed Pods. Pretty Star Trekish, huh? They are basically little balls (seeds) that are on what is like a little square band-aid. They are stuck on the 2 points in my ear where he usually puts the needles. I keep them on for 2 days and press on them for about 15 seconds every 2-3 hours. He said they help regulate my energy. I am just fascinated by all this. Not sure if it works, but at this point, I'll try anything.

Many of you have told me that you just don't know what to say - or are worried about saying the wrong thing. You don't have to say anything at all. Knowing that you care and are rooting for us makes all the difference. It really does. And I don't mind questions at all - so ask away. Now get to thinking positive for us for this last IUI! I'll update tomorrow with - what else? - the follicle report.

No Dice

Once again - I don't have wait for the nurse's call at my desk tomorrow about how the pregnancy test turned out. For those of you who need things spelled out a bit more - I started my period - clearly not pregnant.

I almost didn't go to a picnic today. That would have been my first missed event due to this infertility stuff. I've been to baby showers, babysat, etc. but today the thought of someone asking me about "how things were going" would have reduced me to a blubbering mess. I was somehow able to get myself OUT of the blubbering mess state to put my makeup on and get to the picnic. (I am still totally blaming it on all these hormones.) ;-) For the record, I'm really glad I went to the picnic - it was really fun (as I knew it would be) and my friends are the greatest. I know they would have understood if I was a no show, but hey - I had a record to keep.

I'm reading a book my Aunt Margie sent me called "Unsung Lullabies" that has hit home several times. One thing it talks about is that the process of infertility is a recurrent trauma. It's the accumulation of losses - having a failure month after month that takes its toll. Not only are you sad about one failed cycle, you are sad about the cumulative effect of all the previous failures. I guess that is part of what I am going through now. Interestingly enough, the authors recommend sharing your experience or your feelings with someone. So I guess you all are helping me get through this!

But it IS an emotional roller coaster. Once we start the new cycle, we will need to have put this failed cycle behind us and be positive and hopeful once again. It's really hard to be hopeful when you are wondering if you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. At the same time, you don't want to go into it thinking that it isn't going to work. It's a tough balance.

I'm not sure what to do this cycle. I kind of want to take a break from all these drugs. I've cancelled my pregnancy test, but I will probably go in for the Day 3 bloodwork & ultrasound just to see what is going on in there. We will also need to set up our consultation with the doctor for IVF since this next one will be our last IUI cycle. I'll probably check back in with you all on Wednesday after the Day 3 stuff. Thanks for being here.

Ancient Chinese Secret

I had my final acupuncture session for this cycle. He explained what each needle did for fertility - the ones in the top of my feet fortify my liver (and mainly - help me to relax). The ones in my shins and inner knees nourish my uterus with blood and energy. The ones in my wrists minimize uterine contractions. And finally, the one in the top of my head helps thicken the lining of my uterus - and is also a relaxation point. He also always puts 2 in my ear, but I forgot to ask about those.

I still find it amazing that sticking needles in me can help me relax, but I'm not going to argue - I usually fall asleep during the sessions.

Okay - here's the cool thing. At the beginning of each session, he checks my pulse on both wrists and looks at my tongue. The positive thing is that today he said the pulse signaling implantation on my left side was strong. That apparently means that if we are pregnant this time, it will likely be a boy (or boys). Crazy!

Michael is still skeptical, but from the research I've done - this can't hurt. I figure acupuncture has been around for thousands of years and western medicine has only been around for a couple hundred (if that). At this rate, the acupuncturist has a better track record than the fertility clinic! I figure going to both has to up our odds even more, right? ;-)

Blame It On the Hormones

Just when I think I've avoided any side effects from these extra hormones in my system, I find myself crying like a baby in the grocery store parking lot. Seriously, I was afraid someone was going to come over to make sure I was okay - it was that bad. My mom moves to Florida on Monday and I had just gotten off the phone with her - and I totally lost it. I don't know why. I've known she's moving for over a year now. I know this is really what she wants and that she'll love it and be extremely happy there. And yes, I've been selfishly sad about it - but not *sobbing* sad. Rationally, I know she'll only be a phone call, quick plane trip, or (11-hour) car ride away. I'll probably talk to her just as much as I do now.

But she's my mom. And I've never been farther than 2 hours away from her in my entire life. I guess with my struggle to become a mom, having my own mom move away has impacted me more than I thought it would. As if it's symbolic in some weird way.

Or maybe it's just the hormones...