I've been a blog slacker. Sorry about that. Maybe we should attribute it to my "Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood". That is my diagnosis from the therapist. The therapist who I am no longer going to see. Why, you ask?
She gave me advice.
Doesn't sound so horrible, right? Well, aside from the fact that therapists are really supposed to just help you come to conclusions on your own - you know, ask you a bunch of questions, guide you figure things out for yourself - it was what the advice was about.
She gave me advice on how to get pregnant.
I only wish I was kidding. Now, to be fair - I did open the door for it. I was planning to post the experience here, but I've been slacking - so I mentioned the story to the therapist. This is what prompted the advice.
I mentioned that that pesky little word "hope" seemed to be sneaking back in for me with this upcoming IVF cycle getting closer. I was on the elliptical at the gym. There was a woman I noticed who had really toned arms. She turned around and had to be 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was lifting all kinds of weights. My first thought was actually NOT "she's pregnant and I'm not", as it sometimes is when I'm having a bad day and see a pregnant woman. My thought was, "wow. She can have a normal pregnancy and not worry about every little thing she does." I was thinking about how I'll likely be terrified of moving for the entire 9 months when I get pregnant. It's the last part of that sentence that led me to say that I seemed to be thinking more positively.
The therapist asked me if I had read "The Secret". I nearly fell out of my chair. I just said no (in a snotty teenage girl way). For those of you who don't know about this book / Oprah sensation, it basically says that the reason people don't have what they want in life is because they are focusing on NOT having it. She started to explain the value of positive thinking when I stopped her and told her that frankly that book is insulting to me because it implies that infertility is my fault for my negative thinking. For the first year we tried, I kept telling myself after every cycle that it takes most people a year to conceive and that next cycle was surely the one. Once we began seeing the fertility doctor, I kept thinking that THIS was the treatment we needed. After the IUI's, I would visualize the sperm & egg connecting. I would visualize the embryo implanting in my uterus. All because I heard something about the power of positive thinking and visualizing what you want. Do you have any idea what it does to a person to convice yourself 42 freakin' times that you are pregnant, only to have your period arrive? Well, you're looking at it.
So, wanting to get away from this subject, I went back to the gym experience. The therapist tried reassuring me by telling me that these days, you are supposed to exercise during pregnancy. I tried to explain that after an IVF cycle, the doctors recommend you limit your activity and gave me a number that my heart rate should not get above. I was suprised to find that when I checked my heart rate on a walk, it was above the recommended level, so I was having to walk really slow. She said something about if you are in better shape, your heart rate won't get up so high.
I'm sorry? Did you just tell me that I was out of shape, lady? I stopped listening to her at this point. She essentially told me that if I think positively and worked out more, I would get pregnant. This from a therapist. Doesn't she know that I have tried everything? Advice does not help me at all at this point.
So, I'm on the hunt for a new therapist. I was concerned that maybe I was focusing too much on her and not enough on me - but I think I need to find someone who is actually helpful. And to think, I was so hopeful! Ironic, isn't it?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Isolation
Sorry I'm late on this book review. Chapter 5 in Unsung Lullabies is about the isolation that accompanies infertility. They include things like:
- the media's inference that it's easy to get pregnant any time you want
- changes in ourselves and narcissistic injury
- the secrecy and silent pain of infertility
Media Myths
Aside from arrests or rehab, the biggest news stories about celebrities revolve around birth or death. Celebrity pregnancies are covered in all their glory, regardless of the age of the celeb. You never hear the hell or expense that some of these people went through to have their children. The book says, "The implied message is that having a baby is predictable and expected, within our control, and that, indeed, anyone can do it." We also never hear the stories about people who use fertility treatments unsuccessfully. The mere existence of these fertility treatments, while wonderful, feed right into my control-freak nature. It feels like there's some sort of guarantee. But the reality is - there's no such thing. The authors talk about the disconnect between the reality of what fertility treatments can do and the hope that they offer.
Narcissism
The book talks a lot about expectations of yourself. I think this is why they started with the concept of trying to understand our own reproductive story - to help us understand WHY we have these expectations of ourselves. When we can't have a baby, we feel like we are letting ourselves (as well as our partners and families) down. There is also a psychological shift when you begin trying to have a baby. You start thinking about what will change in your life, mentally preparing - making room in your mind for a baby. You begin to start defining yourself in different terms - thinking of yourself as a parent. When things don't go as planned, you are stuck in limbo - not exactly knowing how to define yourself.
The authors include a lengthy discussion of narcissism and note that healthy narcissism is concern for the self. Infertility is a narcissistic injury because it damages your sense of self. We feel ashamed of what we see as our own failure. They also talk about blaming yourself for your infertility (hello, Allison). I totally identified with this part of the book. (Maybe because I do have some narcissistic tendencies - uh, this blog for example?) They say that blaming yourself gives you some sense of control over the situation even if it defies logic. "Many women and men struggling with infertility find it more comforting to blame themselves than to have no answers at all...Feeling in control, even if it involves guilt, may actually feel better than having nothing to blame." The authors suggest the next time you find yourself doing this, to check in - what is the feeling behind it? What is feeling out of control? I'm happy to have a suggestion of something to try!
Silent Suffering
For me, my infertility was never a private matter. My sister got engaged right after I went off the Pill. She was planning to have her wedding in Hawaii the following year. Thinking it might take me a few months to actually get pregnant (ha!), I was worried that I wouldn't be able to travel. So, my whole family knew that we were trying once I had to throw a monkey-wrench into my sister's nuptual plans. And once my family knew, it was only fair to tell Michael's family too. So - no secrets here.
It isn't how I would have planned it, but I am glad it worked out this way. I didn't have to suffer in silence like so many others. Our families and friends have been a wonderful source of support. My isolation is feeling different. Feeling defective. I can't do what every other woman seems to be able to - sometimes unintentionally. That's my isolation - self-inflicted and, now I recognize, narcissistic. I'll be working on that.
To read another review of this chapter, just click here.
- the media's inference that it's easy to get pregnant any time you want
- changes in ourselves and narcissistic injury
- the secrecy and silent pain of infertility
Media Myths
Aside from arrests or rehab, the biggest news stories about celebrities revolve around birth or death. Celebrity pregnancies are covered in all their glory, regardless of the age of the celeb. You never hear the hell or expense that some of these people went through to have their children. The book says, "The implied message is that having a baby is predictable and expected, within our control, and that, indeed, anyone can do it." We also never hear the stories about people who use fertility treatments unsuccessfully. The mere existence of these fertility treatments, while wonderful, feed right into my control-freak nature. It feels like there's some sort of guarantee. But the reality is - there's no such thing. The authors talk about the disconnect between the reality of what fertility treatments can do and the hope that they offer.
Narcissism
The book talks a lot about expectations of yourself. I think this is why they started with the concept of trying to understand our own reproductive story - to help us understand WHY we have these expectations of ourselves. When we can't have a baby, we feel like we are letting ourselves (as well as our partners and families) down. There is also a psychological shift when you begin trying to have a baby. You start thinking about what will change in your life, mentally preparing - making room in your mind for a baby. You begin to start defining yourself in different terms - thinking of yourself as a parent. When things don't go as planned, you are stuck in limbo - not exactly knowing how to define yourself.
The authors include a lengthy discussion of narcissism and note that healthy narcissism is concern for the self. Infertility is a narcissistic injury because it damages your sense of self. We feel ashamed of what we see as our own failure. They also talk about blaming yourself for your infertility (hello, Allison). I totally identified with this part of the book. (Maybe because I do have some narcissistic tendencies - uh, this blog for example?) They say that blaming yourself gives you some sense of control over the situation even if it defies logic. "Many women and men struggling with infertility find it more comforting to blame themselves than to have no answers at all...Feeling in control, even if it involves guilt, may actually feel better than having nothing to blame." The authors suggest the next time you find yourself doing this, to check in - what is the feeling behind it? What is feeling out of control? I'm happy to have a suggestion of something to try!
Silent Suffering
For me, my infertility was never a private matter. My sister got engaged right after I went off the Pill. She was planning to have her wedding in Hawaii the following year. Thinking it might take me a few months to actually get pregnant (ha!), I was worried that I wouldn't be able to travel. So, my whole family knew that we were trying once I had to throw a monkey-wrench into my sister's nuptual plans. And once my family knew, it was only fair to tell Michael's family too. So - no secrets here.
It isn't how I would have planned it, but I am glad it worked out this way. I didn't have to suffer in silence like so many others. Our families and friends have been a wonderful source of support. My isolation is feeling different. Feeling defective. I can't do what every other woman seems to be able to - sometimes unintentionally. That's my isolation - self-inflicted and, now I recognize, narcissistic. I'll be working on that.
To read another review of this chapter, just click here.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Same Results, Different Year
Everything came back fine, so I'm set to start the Pill tonight. It always strikes me as odd to be on birth control as part of fertility treatments.
So, you can tell from the title of my post how my bloodwork came out. The nurse said it was almost identical to my last Day 3 bloodwork - which was on 1/15/07. I'm nothing if not consistent. Although - let's hope the result of this IVF is NOT consistent.
Anyway, my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is 10.9 - which is slightly elevated. They like for it to be below 8. A high FSH can indicate an egg quality problem, but there's some debate about whether that number is useful to determine egg quality. Which is why I haven't completely freaked out about it. My estrogen was also slightly elevated (63.8 - normal is below 60), but they weren't concerned about that either. At least not to start the Pill. The doctor will take a look at my numbers and decide about the medications during my actual IVF cycle. The follicle count from my ultrasound was also not stellar - I had 3 on the right and 2 on the left. I didn't ask what they like to see, but I suspect it's 5+ on each side. This isn't a treatment cycle, so I didn't freak out about that either. (Can anyone say denial?) I just figure - why freak out when there's nothing you can do about it?
Wow. Maybe I really AM making progress on the control-freak front...
I also asked about coming to the office to get my progesterone injections since Michael won't be around to give them to me. The nurse said that would be really tough. She said she'd talk to the doctor about a different approach for me. Ummm... excuse me? There's a "different approach" from shoving these huge needles in my butt nightly?! I would have taken that the first time, thank you. I wonder if it's the Crinone (which is what they would have me switch to to support progesterone production after a positive pregnancy test). Hmmmm... my curiosity is peaked.
So that's the update. Not sure if that is a real update, since there is no actual news, but I felt like I should keep you posted. Happy Friday, everyone!
So, you can tell from the title of my post how my bloodwork came out. The nurse said it was almost identical to my last Day 3 bloodwork - which was on 1/15/07. I'm nothing if not consistent. Although - let's hope the result of this IVF is NOT consistent.
Anyway, my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) is 10.9 - which is slightly elevated. They like for it to be below 8. A high FSH can indicate an egg quality problem, but there's some debate about whether that number is useful to determine egg quality. Which is why I haven't completely freaked out about it. My estrogen was also slightly elevated (63.8 - normal is below 60), but they weren't concerned about that either. At least not to start the Pill. The doctor will take a look at my numbers and decide about the medications during my actual IVF cycle. The follicle count from my ultrasound was also not stellar - I had 3 on the right and 2 on the left. I didn't ask what they like to see, but I suspect it's 5+ on each side. This isn't a treatment cycle, so I didn't freak out about that either. (Can anyone say denial?) I just figure - why freak out when there's nothing you can do about it?
Wow. Maybe I really AM making progress on the control-freak front...
I also asked about coming to the office to get my progesterone injections since Michael won't be around to give them to me. The nurse said that would be really tough. She said she'd talk to the doctor about a different approach for me. Ummm... excuse me? There's a "different approach" from shoving these huge needles in my butt nightly?! I would have taken that the first time, thank you. I wonder if it's the Crinone (which is what they would have me switch to to support progesterone production after a positive pregnancy test). Hmmmm... my curiosity is peaked.
So that's the update. Not sure if that is a real update, since there is no actual news, but I felt like I should keep you posted. Happy Friday, everyone!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Here We Go Again
And not in a bad way.
I'm starting the birth control pills again to prep for our second IVF cycle in March. It is amazing how time flies!
I'll be going in tomorrow for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. They do that to get the baseline. The nurse I talked with yesterday didn't think I needed it since we had already done one IVF. I e-mailed the doctor and guess what? He agreed with ME! So, I'll do that tomorrow and then start the birth control tomorrow night through 3/6. I'll go in for another evaluation on 3/7 (to make sure my ovaries are cooperative and ready to go) and then we'll start the stims. That seems so close! It also seems odd to be excited about shooting myself up again. Maybe that means I'm just ready.
The other good news is that it means Michael has to come home. Even if it's just for a week - I'll take it.
If anything interesting happens tomorrow, I'll be sure to let you know!
I'm starting the birth control pills again to prep for our second IVF cycle in March. It is amazing how time flies!
I'll be going in tomorrow for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. They do that to get the baseline. The nurse I talked with yesterday didn't think I needed it since we had already done one IVF. I e-mailed the doctor and guess what? He agreed with ME! So, I'll do that tomorrow and then start the birth control tomorrow night through 3/6. I'll go in for another evaluation on 3/7 (to make sure my ovaries are cooperative and ready to go) and then we'll start the stims. That seems so close! It also seems odd to be excited about shooting myself up again. Maybe that means I'm just ready.
The other good news is that it means Michael has to come home. Even if it's just for a week - I'll take it.
If anything interesting happens tomorrow, I'll be sure to let you know!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Therapy 101
I had my first session with the new therapist today. I have mixed emotions about it. For one, she wasn't Neil. But then, nobody will be. (Neil is our old family therapist who passed away.) But that is my therapist-standard now. He's all I know.
Anyway, her office is in her house - which I was a little apprehensive about at first, but she has a nice separate room that is her office - so it still felt very professional. At first, I was a bit put off because she spent a lot of our time on the phone with my insurance company to verify to the copay, etc. Then, I felt like she was just chit-chatting with me. However, I think she was trying to build rapport. I'm a bottom-line kind of girl, so I was thinking - "let's get to business". But I guess we do need to get to know each other a bit. I never really had to do that with Neil since he already knew my story.
She has a very nice way about her (aside from the too much chit-chat). She has had similar experiences to me (living in a different city from her husband and IF), but the way she told me those things was in a conversational manner. She wasn't at all like "I know what you're going through - I've been there - blah, blah, blah." She mentioned her feelings about one of her experiences and the water works just started because it was EXACTLY what I was feeling. We talked a bit about what I wanted to get out of therapy and the issues I was struggling with. The time went really fast, so we just scratched the surface.
I'll see her again in 2 weeks. She said she has to write up my diagnosis and my treatment plan for insurance. I'm kind of curious as to what that is as well!
Anyway, her office is in her house - which I was a little apprehensive about at first, but she has a nice separate room that is her office - so it still felt very professional. At first, I was a bit put off because she spent a lot of our time on the phone with my insurance company to verify to the copay, etc. Then, I felt like she was just chit-chatting with me. However, I think she was trying to build rapport. I'm a bottom-line kind of girl, so I was thinking - "let's get to business". But I guess we do need to get to know each other a bit. I never really had to do that with Neil since he already knew my story.
She has a very nice way about her (aside from the too much chit-chat). She has had similar experiences to me (living in a different city from her husband and IF), but the way she told me those things was in a conversational manner. She wasn't at all like "I know what you're going through - I've been there - blah, blah, blah." She mentioned her feelings about one of her experiences and the water works just started because it was EXACTLY what I was feeling. We talked a bit about what I wanted to get out of therapy and the issues I was struggling with. The time went really fast, so we just scratched the surface.
I'll see her again in 2 weeks. She said she has to write up my diagnosis and my treatment plan for insurance. I'm kind of curious as to what that is as well!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Unsung Lullabies - Chapters 3 & 4
Chapter 3 talks about the losses of infertility, describing how these losses compound and affect your sense of self. It even cites this as the reason we may inexplicably fall apart at a minor reminder of our inability to conceive. Wow - that certainly sounds right after experiencing the Sunday School Incident.
The two losses that I identified with most were the loss of being in control (big shocker there) and the loss of feeling competent. The control thing is no surprise - I've been trying to deal with that since the beginning. The concept of the loss of feeling competent was a new one for me. "The inability to have a child makes otherwise very capable people feel inept at everything." I have been feeling worse and worse about my job. I still love it, but I don't feel as confident in my abilities. Lately, I haven't felt like I'm doing a very good job. The thought that this feeling might be related to my infertility was huge for me. And important to recognize.
I immediately discounted one of the losses they talk about - the loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth. I've always been slightly terrified of that part of becoming a parent, actually. But once I actually gave it some thought, they had a point. I always thought pregnant women looked so beautiful and healthy. Until we had problems getting pregnant, I'd look at them and smile. Now I just try not to look at them at all. I don't want to see how happy they are. So, maybe I do have a bit of an issue with that loss.
Anyway, add up all these little losses and you come to the big one - the loss of your sense of self. The authors write, "When you take on the identity of an infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence." They say that the first step in healing is acknowledging these losses. So, we're on the right track by blogging about it!
Chapter 4 focuses more on feeling stuck - the feeling that you aren't yet an adult since you aren't a parent. This is likely more of an issue for people whose families include lots of children. I'm not in that situation, so there isn't that constant reminder at holidays. However, becoming a parent feels like a milestone to adulthood - like graduating from high school, moving into your own place, etc. But it's a milestone I haven't yet achieved. The authors write, "If you want to become a parent, infertility interrupts your sense of completion and accomplishment, no matter what else you have done."
Having children would also enable me to have a different and new relationship with my parents. I feel like I'm missing out on sharing that with them. And (although they have assured me to the contrary), I can't help but feel that I am letting them down by not being able to make them grandparents.
One analogy that I really like in this chapter is comparing the frustration of infertility to the frustration of a toddler. I remember my sister saying "I can do it mySELF!" when we were little. Oh, how I feel that way now. Again, for me it's the loss of control. I'm so used to being able to "do it myself" in every other area of my life.
This chapter is also the first time the authors talk about dealing with the idea of never having a biological child. They stress the importance of defining yourself by things other than infertility. They suggest thinking about other ways you will contribute to the world (calling it "giving to the future"). For me, I think it's volunteering and my work. They discuss the importance of continuing to do these activities while undergoing fertility treatments and how that can help regain your sense of self. I've been cutting back on my volunteer work, worrying that it was too much, thinking that I need to focus on THE CYCLE. Maybe just the opposite is true. And realizing that my feelings about incompetence might be related to infertility, rather than my career will likely help me to regain confidence in that area as well. I feel like these 2 chapters have helped to get me steered in the right direction. Let's see where it takes us.
Follow the link for another blogger's discussion of these chapters.
The two losses that I identified with most were the loss of being in control (big shocker there) and the loss of feeling competent. The control thing is no surprise - I've been trying to deal with that since the beginning. The concept of the loss of feeling competent was a new one for me. "The inability to have a child makes otherwise very capable people feel inept at everything." I have been feeling worse and worse about my job. I still love it, but I don't feel as confident in my abilities. Lately, I haven't felt like I'm doing a very good job. The thought that this feeling might be related to my infertility was huge for me. And important to recognize.
I immediately discounted one of the losses they talk about - the loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth. I've always been slightly terrified of that part of becoming a parent, actually. But once I actually gave it some thought, they had a point. I always thought pregnant women looked so beautiful and healthy. Until we had problems getting pregnant, I'd look at them and smile. Now I just try not to look at them at all. I don't want to see how happy they are. So, maybe I do have a bit of an issue with that loss.
Anyway, add up all these little losses and you come to the big one - the loss of your sense of self. The authors write, "When you take on the identity of an infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence." They say that the first step in healing is acknowledging these losses. So, we're on the right track by blogging about it!
Chapter 4 focuses more on feeling stuck - the feeling that you aren't yet an adult since you aren't a parent. This is likely more of an issue for people whose families include lots of children. I'm not in that situation, so there isn't that constant reminder at holidays. However, becoming a parent feels like a milestone to adulthood - like graduating from high school, moving into your own place, etc. But it's a milestone I haven't yet achieved. The authors write, "If you want to become a parent, infertility interrupts your sense of completion and accomplishment, no matter what else you have done."
Having children would also enable me to have a different and new relationship with my parents. I feel like I'm missing out on sharing that with them. And (although they have assured me to the contrary), I can't help but feel that I am letting them down by not being able to make them grandparents.
One analogy that I really like in this chapter is comparing the frustration of infertility to the frustration of a toddler. I remember my sister saying "I can do it mySELF!" when we were little. Oh, how I feel that way now. Again, for me it's the loss of control. I'm so used to being able to "do it myself" in every other area of my life.
This chapter is also the first time the authors talk about dealing with the idea of never having a biological child. They stress the importance of defining yourself by things other than infertility. They suggest thinking about other ways you will contribute to the world (calling it "giving to the future"). For me, I think it's volunteering and my work. They discuss the importance of continuing to do these activities while undergoing fertility treatments and how that can help regain your sense of self. I've been cutting back on my volunteer work, worrying that it was too much, thinking that I need to focus on THE CYCLE. Maybe just the opposite is true. And realizing that my feelings about incompetence might be related to infertility, rather than my career will likely help me to regain confidence in that area as well. I feel like these 2 chapters have helped to get me steered in the right direction. Let's see where it takes us.
Follow the link for another blogger's discussion of these chapters.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Good things
Today has been a good day filled with good things.
For the first time in I can't remember how long, the sun is actually shining on my birthday! This morning, I woke up and heard birds chirping outside my window. What a beautiful sound when it's usually so dreary and gray without any hint of life.
When I went to take Uno for a walk, I noticed that it was sleeting a little. By the time I got all bundled up and we ventured outside, it had stopped! I'd like to think it was all for little old me! ;-) I've gotten lots of cards, phone calls and singing voice mails from family and friends wishing me well. Good things.
I had my thryoid tested again yesterday, and got the call from my doctor today. My TSH is 1.36 (which is good). Another good thing in my good day!
Tonight, I am going to Wegman's to get something yummy to make myself for dinner and I might even splurge a little and get one of their mini-desserts as well. Mmmmm...
In other news, I have an appointment to see a therapist on Monday. Apparently, some of my previous blog entries had some of my family hitting the big red button. Today is really the first day in awhile that I have felt so good, so it's probably not a bad thing. I'm always a big proponent of therapy, as it has helped me a lot in the past, so it certainly can't hurt. I'll even count this as another good thing!
Looks like good things all around today.
Edited to add:
How could I forget?! Today is the first day I have been able to wear my contacts since starting the Restasis! It's funny - everyone at work has been telling me how great I look today, asking if I got my hair cut, etc. HA - nope - just no glasses. I'm excited for kickboxing tomorrow when I don't have to worry about my glasses sliding off my nose.
For the first time in I can't remember how long, the sun is actually shining on my birthday! This morning, I woke up and heard birds chirping outside my window. What a beautiful sound when it's usually so dreary and gray without any hint of life.
When I went to take Uno for a walk, I noticed that it was sleeting a little. By the time I got all bundled up and we ventured outside, it had stopped! I'd like to think it was all for little old me! ;-) I've gotten lots of cards, phone calls and singing voice mails from family and friends wishing me well. Good things.
I had my thryoid tested again yesterday, and got the call from my doctor today. My TSH is 1.36 (which is good). Another good thing in my good day!
Tonight, I am going to Wegman's to get something yummy to make myself for dinner and I might even splurge a little and get one of their mini-desserts as well. Mmmmm...
In other news, I have an appointment to see a therapist on Monday. Apparently, some of my previous blog entries had some of my family hitting the big red button. Today is really the first day in awhile that I have felt so good, so it's probably not a bad thing. I'm always a big proponent of therapy, as it has helped me a lot in the past, so it certainly can't hurt. I'll even count this as another good thing!
Looks like good things all around today.
Edited to add:
How could I forget?! Today is the first day I have been able to wear my contacts since starting the Restasis! It's funny - everyone at work has been telling me how great I look today, asking if I got my hair cut, etc. HA - nope - just no glasses. I'm excited for kickboxing tomorrow when I don't have to worry about my glasses sliding off my nose.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
My Reproductive Story
Chapter 2 of Unsung Lullabies talks about acknowledging, and therefore understanding your "reproductive story". A reproductive story is a series of narratives, silent videos and imagined snapshots of what life would be like. It is built from an early age from interactions with and observations of your parents and various cultural factors. If things go as planned, you probably would never even know you had one. It's unconscious. This is probably one reason that infertility feels like such a loss. It is a loss of what you thought your future would be - without even realizing it. The authors note that your reproductive story is part of the underpinning of your adult identity. When that gets shifted, it feels like the rug is being pulled out from under you - like you don't know who you are anymore.
This is my story...
I was a girly-girl, and a nerd. I loved dolls, stuffed animals and books when I was little. I loved learning. I didn't like sports or anything I wasn't good at. (I'm still not thrilled about things I'm not good at...although, I guess I'm a little more persistent now or I would have given up on becoming a parent a long time ago).
My parents split-up when I was around 5. I can't say if that changed who I was, or if I would have been this way anyway being the first-born. I was the helper. I always wanted to help my mom do things like vacuum the house. I wanted to be useful to people. I wanted to be liked. I still do, although that is becoming less important the older I get. My grandmother called me the people-pleaser. I was the harmonizer. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. That was what would make ME happy. This quote from the book really got me - "If the cultural expectation is that women should raise and nurture children, how does our society's prevailing ideology affect a woman when she discovers that she can't get pregnant? How will others perceive her?" That's pretty scary for a people-pleaser.
I remember playing school with Ashley. I was always the teacher, and she was always my eager and willing student. I taught the girl long-division when she was something like 5 or 6 years old. You might think that sounds torturous, but she loved it. We took care of each other. That is part of our close bond now. Now I can see that I was practicing being a mom.
I did think about what kind of parent I would be. I remember in high school keeping a list of injustices that I would never inflict on my child. I SO wish I still had that list. I'd love to share it with my mom now and get a good laugh. I'm sure it had things like "I will never be insensitive to the needs of my child to talk on the phone as long as she likes". I also had a life timeline in high school with my BFF, Minda. We were going to go to college together, be roommates, and have matching Volkswagen Bugs with paint handprints all over them. We were going to be married by 22, have kids by 24 and live next door to each other. That plan fell apart with college, but the point is that I did think about it - even if I wasn't exactly realistic.
My reproductive story continued as I got older. When I was single, I never bought a condo or anything because I was going to get married and have a family - so I was holding out for a house with space for little ones. When I met Michael, one of the things that drew me to him was what a great father he would make. When I switched careers from consulting to local government, I thought about it being more family-friendly.
So - thus begins the process of trying to rewrite a story that began when I was very little. The authors note that infertility, like other traumas, is marked by the feeling of being trapped. My life isn't going as planned and there is nothing I can do to change that. The only thing I can do is try to understand how that plan got written and what it means for the broader context of my life. The chapter ends (appropriately) with this:
"Try to remember that it is a work in progress." As am I.
Here's the link to the next blogger's discussion of this Chapter.
This is my story...
I was a girly-girl, and a nerd. I loved dolls, stuffed animals and books when I was little. I loved learning. I didn't like sports or anything I wasn't good at. (I'm still not thrilled about things I'm not good at...although, I guess I'm a little more persistent now or I would have given up on becoming a parent a long time ago).
My parents split-up when I was around 5. I can't say if that changed who I was, or if I would have been this way anyway being the first-born. I was the helper. I always wanted to help my mom do things like vacuum the house. I wanted to be useful to people. I wanted to be liked. I still do, although that is becoming less important the older I get. My grandmother called me the people-pleaser. I was the harmonizer. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. That was what would make ME happy. This quote from the book really got me - "If the cultural expectation is that women should raise and nurture children, how does our society's prevailing ideology affect a woman when she discovers that she can't get pregnant? How will others perceive her?" That's pretty scary for a people-pleaser.
I remember playing school with Ashley. I was always the teacher, and she was always my eager and willing student. I taught the girl long-division when she was something like 5 or 6 years old. You might think that sounds torturous, but she loved it. We took care of each other. That is part of our close bond now. Now I can see that I was practicing being a mom.
I did think about what kind of parent I would be. I remember in high school keeping a list of injustices that I would never inflict on my child. I SO wish I still had that list. I'd love to share it with my mom now and get a good laugh. I'm sure it had things like "I will never be insensitive to the needs of my child to talk on the phone as long as she likes". I also had a life timeline in high school with my BFF, Minda. We were going to go to college together, be roommates, and have matching Volkswagen Bugs with paint handprints all over them. We were going to be married by 22, have kids by 24 and live next door to each other. That plan fell apart with college, but the point is that I did think about it - even if I wasn't exactly realistic.
My reproductive story continued as I got older. When I was single, I never bought a condo or anything because I was going to get married and have a family - so I was holding out for a house with space for little ones. When I met Michael, one of the things that drew me to him was what a great father he would make. When I switched careers from consulting to local government, I thought about it being more family-friendly.
So - thus begins the process of trying to rewrite a story that began when I was very little. The authors note that infertility, like other traumas, is marked by the feeling of being trapped. My life isn't going as planned and there is nothing I can do to change that. The only thing I can do is try to understand how that plan got written and what it means for the broader context of my life. The chapter ends (appropriately) with this:
"Try to remember that it is a work in progress." As am I.
Here's the link to the next blogger's discussion of this Chapter.
Monday, February 4, 2008
And...Exit Stage Right
I'm down in Alabama visiting Michael. I should have posted before I left, as I was pretty much giddy with anticipation. It's been a really good visit - with the exception of 2 things - I'm now sick (just a cold - nothing major), and the story I'm about to tell you.
Part of it has to do with the way I am. For those of you who don't know me in real life, I begin to get sad (and therefore snippy and rather unpleasant) as the end of a vacation nears. I begin to have that countdown clock in my head - only 2 more days left - which is dumb. I don't know why I can't fully enjoy something without anticipating the sadness that comes at the end. It comes soon enough - I don't know why I move the timetable up.
Okay - so that should set the stage for my state of mind Sunday (when I'm scheduled to leave on Monday). The candidate Michael is working for and his wife kindly invited us to go to church with them. We went, it was a lovely service - and then it was time for Sunday school.
Now, Michael loves Sunday school. That was his group of friends when he lived here. This church is ginormous, so there are about 600 Sunday school classes. The class he used to go to was something like "young singles", but he figures none of his friends go to that one anymore since we're no longer either of those terms. We didn't really know where to go, so the candidate invites us to his class and introduces us around. That's where the trouble began. It means something to folks down here to be FROM here. Michael doesn't want it to seem like his candidate brought in a hired gun from Washington. He could not figure out how to explain that he was originally from Alabama, lived in DC with his wife, and was temporarily back running the campaign. He would say things like, "I live here now. My wife is visiting from DC." People looked very confused. And the more it happened, the more upset I got.
On a positive side note, the people were wonderful. The candidate stepped in and saved him multiple times, explaining that I was loaning them Michael for the election. For the first time in the 5 or 6 years I've been coming down here, someone asked me what I do. Seems small - but it was huge to me.
So, once the social time was over and it was time to begin the lesson, we all settle into our chairs. I'd say there were about 20-25 people there. They introduce all the new people to the group, have a few announcements and begin the lesson.
"Today, we are going to continue on our topic of .... PARENTING."
Tears begin to flow.
Allison - Exit Stage Right.
And I don't mean a graceful exit. No - I mean nearly jumping over Michael with tears streaming down my face to try to get out of there as soon as possible.
I was sad, and on top of being sad, I was mad at Michael, and on top of that I was completely mortified at what I had just done. I mean, the simple word "parenting" sent me into a tailspin? Come on. I'm above that. Heck, I can sit through an entire conversation with friends about raising their kids with no problem! And for all this to happen in front of his boss. Oy. What would they think of him if his wife was such a mess?
I don't know why I didn't see it coming. They have a Sunday school class for left-handers (I'm actually only mildly exaggerating here), why wouldn't there be one for PARENTS? Duh.
All is fine now. Michael apologized - both to me and then for me (to the candidate and his wife). When he came out and was looking for me - after my dead sprint to a bathroom - he met a man in the hall. Turns out, he told Michael that he and his wife struggled with IF for 6 years and went through many rounds of IVF. I didn't ask what the result was - I didn't really want to know. It was just nice to know that we weren't alone. Especially in a fertile place like church. I guess I keep needing that reassurance.
So that is my tale of mortification for the day. Hopefully, that will be my last tale of embarrassment for awhile. Knowing me, probably not.
Part of it has to do with the way I am. For those of you who don't know me in real life, I begin to get sad (and therefore snippy and rather unpleasant) as the end of a vacation nears. I begin to have that countdown clock in my head - only 2 more days left - which is dumb. I don't know why I can't fully enjoy something without anticipating the sadness that comes at the end. It comes soon enough - I don't know why I move the timetable up.
Okay - so that should set the stage for my state of mind Sunday (when I'm scheduled to leave on Monday). The candidate Michael is working for and his wife kindly invited us to go to church with them. We went, it was a lovely service - and then it was time for Sunday school.
Now, Michael loves Sunday school. That was his group of friends when he lived here. This church is ginormous, so there are about 600 Sunday school classes. The class he used to go to was something like "young singles", but he figures none of his friends go to that one anymore since we're no longer either of those terms. We didn't really know where to go, so the candidate invites us to his class and introduces us around. That's where the trouble began. It means something to folks down here to be FROM here. Michael doesn't want it to seem like his candidate brought in a hired gun from Washington. He could not figure out how to explain that he was originally from Alabama, lived in DC with his wife, and was temporarily back running the campaign. He would say things like, "I live here now. My wife is visiting from DC." People looked very confused. And the more it happened, the more upset I got.
On a positive side note, the people were wonderful. The candidate stepped in and saved him multiple times, explaining that I was loaning them Michael for the election. For the first time in the 5 or 6 years I've been coming down here, someone asked me what I do. Seems small - but it was huge to me.
So, once the social time was over and it was time to begin the lesson, we all settle into our chairs. I'd say there were about 20-25 people there. They introduce all the new people to the group, have a few announcements and begin the lesson.
"Today, we are going to continue on our topic of .... PARENTING."
Tears begin to flow.
Allison - Exit Stage Right.
And I don't mean a graceful exit. No - I mean nearly jumping over Michael with tears streaming down my face to try to get out of there as soon as possible.
I was sad, and on top of being sad, I was mad at Michael, and on top of that I was completely mortified at what I had just done. I mean, the simple word "parenting" sent me into a tailspin? Come on. I'm above that. Heck, I can sit through an entire conversation with friends about raising their kids with no problem! And for all this to happen in front of his boss. Oy. What would they think of him if his wife was such a mess?
I don't know why I didn't see it coming. They have a Sunday school class for left-handers (I'm actually only mildly exaggerating here), why wouldn't there be one for PARENTS? Duh.
All is fine now. Michael apologized - both to me and then for me (to the candidate and his wife). When he came out and was looking for me - after my dead sprint to a bathroom - he met a man in the hall. Turns out, he told Michael that he and his wife struggled with IF for 6 years and went through many rounds of IVF. I didn't ask what the result was - I didn't really want to know. It was just nice to know that we weren't alone. Especially in a fertile place like church. I guess I keep needing that reassurance.
So that is my tale of mortification for the day. Hopefully, that will be my last tale of embarrassment for awhile. Knowing me, probably not.
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