I have had no time to blog lately. Part of that is a good thing - getting out an enjoying life, hanging out with Michael, etc. But the other part of that has been work. It's been nuttly lately, and it doesn't look like there will be any reprieve until the family beach trip in July. But - we all do what we have to!
Something has been on my mind. I can't decide if I should legitimately be upset or if I am playing the victim (as I know the solution and haven't done a darn thing about it). Anyway, here's the thing - after our final IVF failed, not a single person from the fertility clinic called. Not my doctor, not my nurse, NO ONE. My nurse was on vacation when my results came in, so another nurse who didn't know our situation got to be the one to give us that tremendous news. I kind of expected our nurse to call herself once she got back. But she didn't. I also expected our doctor to call since he has after EVERY SINGLE ONE of our other treatments. He's called to check on us, review what happened, and review next steps. He's even called us from his vacations and on his days off.
So, I thought - maybe he's just giving us time to grieve, given that this was our last IVF. But that was April. He's not calling. So I'm thinking all these things in my head.
"Was he really always only interested in the next steps (i.e. more $$)?"
"Did he only pretend to care before?"
"Did he finally give up on us as a hopeless case?"
"Did he decide there were no viable options for us at this point (donor, surrogate, etc.)"
"Was it more - good riddance - since we were bringing their stats down?"
I feel like a giant IVF loser. Now here's where the victim thing comes into play. I know I could call him. I know I could call and ask about other options. But that isn't really the point. I don't think Michael and I would be willing (or able) to spend all of that cash on a chance - especially since they aren't quite sure what was wrong with me in the first place. The point is that WE should be the ones who get to make that decision. By not calling us, I feel like the doctor has already made that determination for us. I'm 99% sure we wouldn't take any of the options left out there, so it seems silly to call and ask about them. And the thought of going into the fertility clinic now to meet with him makes me want to burst into tears - all those years and all that hope. Gone. *shudder*
I've also thought of calling them and letting them know how I felt - like a number and a funding source. I'm guessing they were trying to be respectful of our grief and knowing it was our last IVF, they didn't have anything left to offer us. Or - maybe I'm hoping that.
I just needed to get that out. Because I'm tired of it swirling around in my head.
On a side note, Gary, IN is an incredibly depressing place. Just FYI.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
5 comments:
I can totally understand why you're feeling this way -- and someone should have called you. Just based on what they do for a living, they know how volatile feelings of we IF are, and should act accordingly.
Hang in there -- and do something completely indulgent and self-serving to make you feel better. It takes away the pain for just a little while and you might be able to catch your breath again.
Wow. That really sucks. :(
I have one more option that might be a little more palatable.. maybe they just didn't know what to say since they knew this was your last and they felt badly and maybe a little guilty that it didn't work? You know.. like when people avoid people who have had deaths in the family because it's awkward??
Lots of hugs
I am yet another that doesn't think too highly of many RE's out there. Although they have performed miracles for many people I know, they did not for me...and I too was "forgotten". I feel that it really is just a business, and although they may truly feel bad that they can not help, they just move on to the next one. I even ran into my RE at Costco 2 years later...and here I was, holding this beautiful baby girl we had since adopted...he barely recognized me and didn't even ask about the baby. Call it patient confidientality (sp?) if you want, but I was pissed off. I was your patient for 2+ years and that is all I get?
Anyway, sorry to ramble...but please know that there is someone else that knows how you feel. It's just not right. And on a happier note, I am glad to see that you are keeping yourself busy with other wonderful things life has to offer (husband, beach etc.)! Hope you enjoy the weekend. :)
(Cindy from FL)
I agree that they should have called - even if they were trying to give you space, calling to say something, anything, would have been helpful to you in finding closure.
Someone really should have called and I can see why you are upset and angry. This process is so emotional and we put all our hopes and dreams into these people. I think they do their best to be there, but I also think that they do this so often - day in and day out - that it becomes common practice...another failed cycle, I'm really sorry, blah, blah, blah.
The victim part of me says that your regular nurse was almost glad to not have to make that call. As much of a pedestal as I have put so many of them on throughout this process, I really think it is "just a job" for so many of them. It sucks and it makes me angry and I'm sorry that they let you down.
Hugs...
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