So I was brave. I drove up to Kensington, MD to someone's house I didn't know. To meet people I didn't know. I came so close to bailing, but I'd already said I would go. And I wanted to go. I just didn't want the awkwardness of being the dorky new girl who didn't know anybody. Visions of the high school cafeteria had entered my mind...
The DC Stirrup Queens were awesome. I should have known they would be! Any group that actually has a plastic uterus has GOT to be fun, right? I swear - it was on the stoop of the house. This is how I knew I was in the right place. I think one of the coolest things is that everyone is in different points in their IF journeys - pregnant, some kids - but still IF, mid-IVF or IUI cycles, looking into adoption, or on a break from it all (like me). They are all wonderful ladies who have definitely kept their sense of humor - no doubt about that.
It was just a good time. Thank you to Lindsay for introducing me to the group after I stumbled upon your blog and noticed there was a DC get-together. Hopefully I'll see all of you DC ladies at future events! Thanks for making me feel so welcome.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
I Am Not Alone
In less than one week, I get to see Michael. Not that I'm excited or anything. Nah...
The other night, I got to see one of my oldest and dearest friends, Dave. You know how there are those people who you never see and rarely talk to, yet when you do see them, you're able to talk like no time has passed? Dave is one of those friends. Good stuff. (Thanks, Dave!)
Okay - now on to Unsung Lullabies. One thing that impresses me about this book is that the authors have been there. They've travelled this road. (And unlike many people - they didn't suffer infertility amnesia). As I read, I often say - "Exactly!" out loud. They know the crazy emotions - they understand being happy for friends who are pregnant, while still feeling those nasty jealousy pangs - and then feeling ashamed of that jealousy. They understand the irrational fear that you have let your spouse down in some way because you couldn't have a baby. Reading this book helps me to not feel so alone. I appreciate them telling a bit about their stories. I do identify with their fears about being a parent, while never worrying that I may have trouble becoming a parent. However, unlike the authors, I never dreamed of being a mom. It was just a given. It was the continuation of life. My life. Chapter 1 is titled "This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be". Amen to that, sister. They talk about the concept of reproductive trauma - and the cumulative effect of failed cycle after failed cycle on a person's psyche. I'm in Cycle 42, and I feel every single one of those failures. Why do I even count anymore?
Probably because of that little word "hope". Sometimes I am greatful for it and other days I wish I could just give up so that I didn't have to keep experiencing these losses.
Tonight, I'm off to a gathering of women in the DC area struggling with IF as well. Some of them have kids now, others are in my shoes. I've never met any of them, and just recently found them on-line - however, I think this is yet something else that might help me to not feel so alone. For those of you who know me - you know I'm not the big mingler. I'm the girl who goes to a party and winds up talking all night to the people I showed up with. Not exactly adventurous. Guess I'm feeling bold today!
Click here to link to the next blogger's review of this section of Unsung Lullabies.
The other night, I got to see one of my oldest and dearest friends, Dave. You know how there are those people who you never see and rarely talk to, yet when you do see them, you're able to talk like no time has passed? Dave is one of those friends. Good stuff. (Thanks, Dave!)
Okay - now on to Unsung Lullabies. One thing that impresses me about this book is that the authors have been there. They've travelled this road. (And unlike many people - they didn't suffer infertility amnesia). As I read, I often say - "Exactly!" out loud. They know the crazy emotions - they understand being happy for friends who are pregnant, while still feeling those nasty jealousy pangs - and then feeling ashamed of that jealousy. They understand the irrational fear that you have let your spouse down in some way because you couldn't have a baby. Reading this book helps me to not feel so alone. I appreciate them telling a bit about their stories. I do identify with their fears about being a parent, while never worrying that I may have trouble becoming a parent. However, unlike the authors, I never dreamed of being a mom. It was just a given. It was the continuation of life. My life. Chapter 1 is titled "This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be". Amen to that, sister. They talk about the concept of reproductive trauma - and the cumulative effect of failed cycle after failed cycle on a person's psyche. I'm in Cycle 42, and I feel every single one of those failures. Why do I even count anymore?
Probably because of that little word "hope". Sometimes I am greatful for it and other days I wish I could just give up so that I didn't have to keep experiencing these losses.
Tonight, I'm off to a gathering of women in the DC area struggling with IF as well. Some of them have kids now, others are in my shoes. I've never met any of them, and just recently found them on-line - however, I think this is yet something else that might help me to not feel so alone. For those of you who know me - you know I'm not the big mingler. I'm the girl who goes to a party and winds up talking all night to the people I showed up with. Not exactly adventurous. Guess I'm feeling bold today!
Click here to link to the next blogger's review of this section of Unsung Lullabies.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ever the Optimist
I truly used to think of myself a realist.
I now realize I just desperately WANT to be a realist. I have an addiction to optimism. I rationalize that everything will be okay because I THINK it will be okay. Or because I WANT it to be okay. Not exactly realistic, huh?
I realized my addiction when I was planning a trip to visit Michael. I looked at the potential dates to see where I would be in my cycle so that we'd see each other during the "window".
Ummmm... hello?
Did I not HEAR the doctor when he said we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own? And that was a full year ago, before the failed IUI's and IVF. (Although, I guess our chances can't exactly get lower than 1%.) Yet something in my little ever-the-optimist mind says that there's still a chance, no matter how slight. Now that is just plain crazy.
I still talk about "when" we have a baby, not "if". However, "if" is probably more appropriate at this juncture. It's like I'm not ready to give up the dream. I haven't been ready to move on to consider adoption seriously. Not because I wouldn't want to adopt, but because I'm not ready to give up on the thought of experiencing pregnancy - of having a child grow within me, of seeing a child with Michael's eyes, of giving our families a link in our genetic history.
I mentioned a book that my Aunt Margie gave me awhile back called Unsung Lullabies. I've read several chapters and really like the book - but it is somewhat painful to read. It's like going to the gym - you know it's good / healthy for you, but it can be painful. So, several fellow bloggers and I are reading it together. I'll be posting about it here and including links to other blogs where they are talking about it as well. I am hoping that reading the book helps me to get a little more realistic about our situation and to be able to grieve and move on. Whatever that might mean.
Stay tuned!
P.S. I added a link to a great NY Times article over on the left. I found it on another blog and thought some of you might like to read it. While I haven't bought anything baby-related like the author, I do have a tube of cocoa butter for stretch marks that I bought in 2005. What can I say - I was optimistic!
I now realize I just desperately WANT to be a realist. I have an addiction to optimism. I rationalize that everything will be okay because I THINK it will be okay. Or because I WANT it to be okay. Not exactly realistic, huh?
I realized my addiction when I was planning a trip to visit Michael. I looked at the potential dates to see where I would be in my cycle so that we'd see each other during the "window".
Ummmm... hello?
Did I not HEAR the doctor when he said we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own? And that was a full year ago, before the failed IUI's and IVF. (Although, I guess our chances can't exactly get lower than 1%.) Yet something in my little ever-the-optimist mind says that there's still a chance, no matter how slight. Now that is just plain crazy.
I still talk about "when" we have a baby, not "if". However, "if" is probably more appropriate at this juncture. It's like I'm not ready to give up the dream. I haven't been ready to move on to consider adoption seriously. Not because I wouldn't want to adopt, but because I'm not ready to give up on the thought of experiencing pregnancy - of having a child grow within me, of seeing a child with Michael's eyes, of giving our families a link in our genetic history.
I mentioned a book that my Aunt Margie gave me awhile back called Unsung Lullabies. I've read several chapters and really like the book - but it is somewhat painful to read. It's like going to the gym - you know it's good / healthy for you, but it can be painful. So, several fellow bloggers and I are reading it together. I'll be posting about it here and including links to other blogs where they are talking about it as well. I am hoping that reading the book helps me to get a little more realistic about our situation and to be able to grieve and move on. Whatever that might mean.
Stay tuned!
P.S. I added a link to a great NY Times article over on the left. I found it on another blog and thought some of you might like to read it. While I haven't bought anything baby-related like the author, I do have a tube of cocoa butter for stretch marks that I bought in 2005. What can I say - I was optimistic!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Perspective
It's been a week since Michael left. (Only somewhere around 43 to go.) We've been talking at least once a day, which helps. I'm still procrastinating going to bed, but it actually IS getting easier.
I was in a painful training class on Thursday. It wasn't that the subject was bad, it just wasn't AT ALL what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be how to sustain your organization in tough times, but it was about environmentalism. I know - slight disconnect there. I guess it was more about how to sustain the earth - which is our collective organization on a grand scale. Or something.
Anyway, while I was trapped in this training, I realized that since dealing with infertility, I was thinking about things differently. The trainer, who was a little militant, was talking about overpopulation and how people were having more children than ever. I thought, "Great - it really IS just me." (But that was only a fleeting thought.) The militant part came when she said that to be socially responsible, people should have less than 1.2 children. I had never thought of having children in terms of the environment. It's not that I particularly agree or disagree with her, but it was interesting to think about. It did make me think about society's expectations and whether they might shift based on the environmental movement. What would it look like to have a culture shift from an emphasis on having kids to NOT having them? Would that change my struggle? Would I be embarrassed that I was trying to have kids instead of feeling shame that I couldn't?
I knew this whole struggle with infertility had changed me, but I realized - probably for the first time (I'm a little slow) that the way I see the world has changed. I never would have thought that a training class on "sustainability" would have connected with infertility. Who'd have thunk it?
I was in a painful training class on Thursday. It wasn't that the subject was bad, it just wasn't AT ALL what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be how to sustain your organization in tough times, but it was about environmentalism. I know - slight disconnect there. I guess it was more about how to sustain the earth - which is our collective organization on a grand scale. Or something.
Anyway, while I was trapped in this training, I realized that since dealing with infertility, I was thinking about things differently. The trainer, who was a little militant, was talking about overpopulation and how people were having more children than ever. I thought, "Great - it really IS just me." (But that was only a fleeting thought.) The militant part came when she said that to be socially responsible, people should have less than 1.2 children. I had never thought of having children in terms of the environment. It's not that I particularly agree or disagree with her, but it was interesting to think about. It did make me think about society's expectations and whether they might shift based on the environmental movement. What would it look like to have a culture shift from an emphasis on having kids to NOT having them? Would that change my struggle? Would I be embarrassed that I was trying to have kids instead of feeling shame that I couldn't?
I knew this whole struggle with infertility had changed me, but I realized - probably for the first time (I'm a little slow) that the way I see the world has changed. I never would have thought that a training class on "sustainability" would have connected with infertility. Who'd have thunk it?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Gone Daddy Gone
My love is gone... That is the Cure song that keeps playing in my head. Lucky for me it's kind of an upbeat song!
Michael left at 6 AM on Saturday morning with nearly everything he owns loaded into the Murano and headed to Alabama until November. I was a wreck. Lucky for YOU, I didn't post then. ;-)
Before I go any further, I have to give a huge THANK YOU to all of you who either kept me busy (or tried to) or checked on me this weekend so I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself - Ashley, Tom, Connie, Abby, Susan, AT, Mom, Dad, Judy, and Mariahna. In my infinite wisdom & foresight, I also took a shift at the Domestic Violence Shelter on Sunday night, so that was a chunk of time I was occupied as well. All good things.
The bad times come for me when it's time for bed. That is when I feel truly alone. But I actually don't mind being alone. I mind not being with Michael. Does that make any sense? That is when I miss him the most. The last 2 nights, I have found myself being very "busy" when it's time for bed - cleaning, looking things up on the Internet, going through mail, you name it. I'm procrastinating so I don't have to go upstairs and get into bed without him. That's gotta end or I'm going to be exhausted.
The first morning he left, I walked into the closet and had to catch my breath. His entire side of the closet was nearly empty. I knew he took all of his clothes with him - I helped him load them in the car. But there was just something haunting about that empty closet. It felt like he left me. Like he moved out.
I know that time will make things easier. (Honestly, I don't know how those of you who are military wives do it. Major props to you.) I'm journaling (my Christmas gift from Michael was a nice new monogrammed journal), and that is really helping me not have verbal diarrhea on this blog. Well, not as much as I would otherwise. ;-)
Dad and I went to church on Sunday, and the sermon was oddly appropriate for the situation - stepping outside of your comfort zone to find your path in life and to find God. Then, the offering was for an orphanage in Kenya. Do you ever feel like someone is talking directly to YOU in a crowd? I like the new minister, so that is something I will definitely keep up.
Well, except for this coming weekend - I have a brunch with friends already on the calendar. Priorities.
Michael left at 6 AM on Saturday morning with nearly everything he owns loaded into the Murano and headed to Alabama until November. I was a wreck. Lucky for YOU, I didn't post then. ;-)
Before I go any further, I have to give a huge THANK YOU to all of you who either kept me busy (or tried to) or checked on me this weekend so I couldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself - Ashley, Tom, Connie, Abby, Susan, AT, Mom, Dad, Judy, and Mariahna. In my infinite wisdom & foresight, I also took a shift at the Domestic Violence Shelter on Sunday night, so that was a chunk of time I was occupied as well. All good things.
The bad times come for me when it's time for bed. That is when I feel truly alone. But I actually don't mind being alone. I mind not being with Michael. Does that make any sense? That is when I miss him the most. The last 2 nights, I have found myself being very "busy" when it's time for bed - cleaning, looking things up on the Internet, going through mail, you name it. I'm procrastinating so I don't have to go upstairs and get into bed without him. That's gotta end or I'm going to be exhausted.
The first morning he left, I walked into the closet and had to catch my breath. His entire side of the closet was nearly empty. I knew he took all of his clothes with him - I helped him load them in the car. But there was just something haunting about that empty closet. It felt like he left me. Like he moved out.
I know that time will make things easier. (Honestly, I don't know how those of you who are military wives do it. Major props to you.) I'm journaling (my Christmas gift from Michael was a nice new monogrammed journal), and that is really helping me not have verbal diarrhea on this blog. Well, not as much as I would otherwise. ;-)
Dad and I went to church on Sunday, and the sermon was oddly appropriate for the situation - stepping outside of your comfort zone to find your path in life and to find God. Then, the offering was for an orphanage in Kenya. Do you ever feel like someone is talking directly to YOU in a crowd? I like the new minister, so that is something I will definitely keep up.
Well, except for this coming weekend - I have a brunch with friends already on the calendar. Priorities.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Manic, much?
I tend to follow a pattern here - sad post, happy post, sad post... you get the idea. I think because I don't want this blog to be one extreme or the other - all doom and gloom or all Pollyanna Happyface.
So today I decided to post because I am neither in the depths of despair or floating in the clouds. I am just ... here. (Although, if you mention Michael's pending departure on Saturday, I might lose it.)
2008 isn't looking so bad for me - now that it's here. We actually had a very fun New Year's Eve involving Indian food and a Scrabble game (which I didn't even win and I STILL thought it was fun). Now that's saying something!
Anyway, I'm trying to think of positive things I'm going to do while Michael is gone. It's kind of like if I have a plan of things I want to do, I won't be so down. I am going to start going back to church. I think it's time God and I got to know one another again. (I've been a wee bit angry with him.)
I'm going to focus on being healthy. I'm not going to say I'm going to lose 10 lbs or anything like that - mainly because I really don't need something else to fail at to make me feel like crap. (The weight I lost before Thanksgiving has all come back. Grrrr....) So - I really do need to lose that 5-10 lbs (again). Hopefully, that will just come from being healthy. ;-) That's the plan anyway.
Speaking of healthy - I talked to the endocrinologist today and my thryoid panel came back normal. TSH was 1.5 for those keeping track. I can start IVF again anytime we want to, but I think I want one more stable TSH reading in February and then plan on doing IVF in March. I won't get my heart set on March, (see - I HAVE learned something this year) but it's nice to have a ballpark idea of the timing.
So - for now let's all wish Michael the best on his trip down south. Keep reminding me that it's only temporary. And let's all hope that I don't completely lose my mind (what's left of it) while he is gone!
(Okay - so how was that for a "happy medium post"?)
So today I decided to post because I am neither in the depths of despair or floating in the clouds. I am just ... here. (Although, if you mention Michael's pending departure on Saturday, I might lose it.)
2008 isn't looking so bad for me - now that it's here. We actually had a very fun New Year's Eve involving Indian food and a Scrabble game (which I didn't even win and I STILL thought it was fun). Now that's saying something!
Anyway, I'm trying to think of positive things I'm going to do while Michael is gone. It's kind of like if I have a plan of things I want to do, I won't be so down. I am going to start going back to church. I think it's time God and I got to know one another again. (I've been a wee bit angry with him.)
I'm going to focus on being healthy. I'm not going to say I'm going to lose 10 lbs or anything like that - mainly because I really don't need something else to fail at to make me feel like crap. (The weight I lost before Thanksgiving has all come back. Grrrr....) So - I really do need to lose that 5-10 lbs (again). Hopefully, that will just come from being healthy. ;-) That's the plan anyway.
Speaking of healthy - I talked to the endocrinologist today and my thryoid panel came back normal. TSH was 1.5 for those keeping track. I can start IVF again anytime we want to, but I think I want one more stable TSH reading in February and then plan on doing IVF in March. I won't get my heart set on March, (see - I HAVE learned something this year) but it's nice to have a ballpark idea of the timing.
So - for now let's all wish Michael the best on his trip down south. Keep reminding me that it's only temporary. And let's all hope that I don't completely lose my mind (what's left of it) while he is gone!
(Okay - so how was that for a "happy medium post"?)
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