You know those days where you just feel smiled on?
Today was one of them. Despite the fact that it was cold and rainy. (Well, cold for August...) Several good things happened to me today.
First, I had a wonderful lunch date with one of my parents' friends who adopted her children. I thought I'd be talking with her about their decision to adopt, but we wound up talking mostly about the whole emotional process of infertility. It was great. I know I'm not alone in this - especially with all of you out there in blogland who are in similar situations, but sometimes it can just feel so lonely. And there are times when I feel so freakish for some of my feelings. But talking to her just reminded me that I'm NOT alone. She brought up a really good point - we try to deal with all this rationally. And it's not rational. It's emotional and biological and, well basically animal. I am a very rational, logical person - so thinking of something in any other way is really hard for me. But I think it's helpful to remind ourselves that logic and reason DO NOT APPLY in the land of infertility. I have those days where I feel like I truly hate random strangers (who are doing the heinous thing of walking around pregnant and adorably happy) - and then I beat myself up for feeling that way. But guess what? Sometimes SHE feels that way - even still! And she's a grandmother! So that made me feel more like a normal human than some horrible jealous she-devil.
The second good thing that happened to me today is that my friend Anita called me. She's the one I met on that trip to Georgia. I haven't talked to her since we were there last month and she's just one of those people that has the knack for putting things in perspective. She also shared some of the nice things people said about me after I left. Nothing like getting compliments out of nowhere to make a person feel good!
The third good thing happened at the gym, of all places. I take a core strengthening class on Thursdays and the instructor started chatting with me about where I got my workout pants at the end of class (lucy - awesome store). She is a talker and makes class go by REALLY fast because she is telling us funny stories the whole time. Before I knew it, we were talking about infertility. I honestly don't know how. And she said some of the usual annoying things (if you adopt, you'll get pg - maybe it's from stress, etc.), but I guess I must just be used to that at this point. Because it didn't really bother me. I was more impressed that she wanted to talk about it and may have even brought it up (since I can't remember!). It just made me feel good - I guess because she treated me as a person rather than a pariah or someone to be pitied.
And I'm totally PMSing, so any of these things should have made me extremely emotional. Usually right before my period, even talking about infertility sends me over the edge into tears. I guess I saved all that emotion for Obama's speech tonight. I know many of you don't agree with his positions/policies, and I don't usually post political stuff here, but I was just so moved by the sheer history of it all. That this is the first time an African-American has officially been nominated to run for President. Just awesome.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Gall Bladders & Gatorade Bottles
Well, I finally got the call about the CT scan results.
No bad news - just inconclusive news. Which, don't get me wrong, is WAY better than bad news. It's just frustrating.
They didn't see anything on my gall bladder. They confirmed the gall stones, sludge (lovely) and gall bladder wall thickening, but didn't see the mass they saw before on the neck of the gall bladder. Hmmmm - a disappearing lesion, I guess? Or maybe they thought they saw something where there was nothing - just the wall thickening.
The lesion on my liver was too small for them to tell what it is (it's only about 1/3 of an inch). (I said it was on my kidney before, but I was confused. It's my liver.) So that was inconclusive. But little is good.
Anyway, we ultimately decided that I would continue to follow a low-fat diet to minimize any chance of another gall bladder attack and do a follow-up MRI in 3 months to double-check both the gall bladder and the little thing on the liver. (That would be more conclusive than the ultrasound or CT scan.) I'm still going to go to my follow-up doctor's appointment next week with the doc who originially saw me who has been on vacation. I just want her to stay in the loop and it will actually serve as a second opinion on the plan we came up with today.
So that's the update!
Oh, and Uno has redeemed herself as my watchdog. The past 2 nights, she has been on high alert - barking incessantly around 2 AM at the kids hanging out on the path behind our house. I have no evidence that they are kids, but we did find some Gatorade bottle bongs on the path this morning. Would you believe that I've never seen one? I'm so sheltered. I now have the non-emergency number for the police, so if I hear them again - I'm calling. I just didn't want to call 911 for noise, or wake-up enough to look up what # to call at 2 AM. Yes, kids. I'm that crotchety old neighbor ruining all your fun.
No bad news - just inconclusive news. Which, don't get me wrong, is WAY better than bad news. It's just frustrating.
They didn't see anything on my gall bladder. They confirmed the gall stones, sludge (lovely) and gall bladder wall thickening, but didn't see the mass they saw before on the neck of the gall bladder. Hmmmm - a disappearing lesion, I guess? Or maybe they thought they saw something where there was nothing - just the wall thickening.
The lesion on my liver was too small for them to tell what it is (it's only about 1/3 of an inch). (I said it was on my kidney before, but I was confused. It's my liver.) So that was inconclusive. But little is good.
Anyway, we ultimately decided that I would continue to follow a low-fat diet to minimize any chance of another gall bladder attack and do a follow-up MRI in 3 months to double-check both the gall bladder and the little thing on the liver. (That would be more conclusive than the ultrasound or CT scan.) I'm still going to go to my follow-up doctor's appointment next week with the doc who originially saw me who has been on vacation. I just want her to stay in the loop and it will actually serve as a second opinion on the plan we came up with today.
So that's the update!
Oh, and Uno has redeemed herself as my watchdog. The past 2 nights, she has been on high alert - barking incessantly around 2 AM at the kids hanging out on the path behind our house. I have no evidence that they are kids, but we did find some Gatorade bottle bongs on the path this morning. Would you believe that I've never seen one? I'm so sheltered. I now have the non-emergency number for the police, so if I hear them again - I'm calling. I just didn't want to call 911 for noise, or wake-up enough to look up what # to call at 2 AM. Yes, kids. I'm that crotchety old neighbor ruining all your fun.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Stigma
I guess after reading this article, I should be thankful that I don't have to sneak into the fertility clinic under the cloak of darkness...
In Africa, Hope for the Stigmatized: Fertility Clinics
So, is it wrong that my very first thought was NOT that I should be thankful I was born in America - it was, "I wonder where I could find a dead sparrow..."?
On a serious note, I AM thankful that women in many countries have other purposes besides child-bearing. But at the same time, I still feel like women ARE stigmatized for not having children, even here in the great U S of A. Think about it - what's one of the FIRST question people ask when you first meet them?
"So, do you have kids?"
It's a conversation starter - because most people say yes, then you chat about the kids and how old they are and what they're doing, etc. But when you say "no", people are stymied. They don't know how to follow that up and so I've had mostly inappropriate responses to that answer. I've had someone actually turn around and begin talking to someone else - making me feel as if I truly had nothing to offer. I've had someone begin just talking about their own children - implying they didn't really care about my answer in the first place. I've had someone ask me if I just didn't LIKE children. I've had someone ask me directly "why not?" - which isn't exactly an easy question to answer. And of course, there are those who give you the pitiful look and then try to fix it by giving you ridiculous advice like telling you to just relax or go on vacation or telling you about their friend who did XYZ and got pregnant.
It's not okay to not have children. Not here, not in Africa, not anywhere. And while women do more here than just reproduce, there is still a stigma if you are a woman, but not a mother. Having children is still an expectation. There's a wonderful woman I work with who has a painting in her office of a mother with child that says "I'm a mother, therefore I am." So I guess I'm... not?
A quote at the end of the article really struck me describing the society and their perception of women as property:
I am thankful that I am not seen as property. I am thankful that I can have a career, a fulfilling life without children. I just don't think we are as progressive as a society as we'd like to think. Sadly, I identified with the women in this article. And I think there's part of me that feels like a useless table, even if no one is directly telling me that.
In Africa, Hope for the Stigmatized: Fertility Clinics
So, is it wrong that my very first thought was NOT that I should be thankful I was born in America - it was, "I wonder where I could find a dead sparrow..."?
On a serious note, I AM thankful that women in many countries have other purposes besides child-bearing. But at the same time, I still feel like women ARE stigmatized for not having children, even here in the great U S of A. Think about it - what's one of the FIRST question people ask when you first meet them?
"So, do you have kids?"
It's a conversation starter - because most people say yes, then you chat about the kids and how old they are and what they're doing, etc. But when you say "no", people are stymied. They don't know how to follow that up and so I've had mostly inappropriate responses to that answer. I've had someone actually turn around and begin talking to someone else - making me feel as if I truly had nothing to offer. I've had someone begin just talking about their own children - implying they didn't really care about my answer in the first place. I've had someone ask me if I just didn't LIKE children. I've had someone ask me directly "why not?" - which isn't exactly an easy question to answer. And of course, there are those who give you the pitiful look and then try to fix it by giving you ridiculous advice like telling you to just relax or go on vacation or telling you about their friend who did XYZ and got pregnant.
It's not okay to not have children. Not here, not in Africa, not anywhere. And while women do more here than just reproduce, there is still a stigma if you are a woman, but not a mother. Having children is still an expectation. There's a wonderful woman I work with who has a painting in her office of a mother with child that says "I'm a mother, therefore I am." So I guess I'm... not?
A quote at the end of the article really struck me describing the society and their perception of women as property:
"Like a table with one leg gone wobbly is a useless table, if a woman cannot produce, she is a useless woman."
I am thankful that I am not seen as property. I am thankful that I can have a career, a fulfilling life without children. I just don't think we are as progressive as a society as we'd like to think. Sadly, I identified with the women in this article. And I think there's part of me that feels like a useless table, even if no one is directly telling me that.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Wuss
No news on the CT scan yet. But I discovered that I'm a wuss. (Some of you are probably not surprised by this discovery, but humor me here.)
My neighbors got robbed. While they slept. And it's totally freaked me out.
Now, I live in a townhouse and share a wall with these people. They went to bed and left their windows open since it's been so unbelievably beautiful around here. And we THOUGHT we lived in a relatively safe neighborhood. (I mean, aside from the gang graffiti and all...) The robbers - I guess they were technically "burglars", but who really cares what we call them. Anyways, the Bad Guys opened the noisy gate to their backyard, walked up onto their wooden deck, and cut the screen out of their window to get into the house. All they took was a wallet, went through the house and out the front door, depositing the empty wallet in the bushes on their way. All this happened sometime between midnight and 6 AM. While they slept. That is the part that is freaking me out.
I have a dog. I've never worried about someone breaking in, because my dog lets me know if there is any kind of intruder - including any of the insect variety. Now I'm worried. She sleeps on an ottoman that is next to our window that is basically right above where the Bad Guys broke in. This perch is her lookout over all of the woods behind our house. This dog goes mental whenever the neighbors set foot on their deck. But Bad Guys? Apparently, she can't be bothered.
Last night, I slept with the bedroom door locked. Well, I didn't really sleep. Partly because I'm a wuss and partly because Uno's stomach was upset. (She was trying to eat the carpet and any plants she could get to like she was on a mission.) She kept scratching the door to go outside. Dog - you are smoking crack if you think I'm going to set foot out back where those Bad Guys were mere hours ago in the middle of the freaking night so that you can get your fill of grass to puke up once we get inside. She settled down after I convinced her that the berry flavored Tums are just as delicious as the mint flavored ones. Don't ask.
So, now we are having to alter our routine and it's irritating me. I've turned into some sort of OCD freak making sure all the doors and windows are locked about 6 times a day. We don't go for walks and leave the door unlocked like we used to. And I find myself checking everything when I either get up or come home to make sure no one has been in here.
I've got to go to Home Depot and get a key lock for our french doors on the back of the house. They currently have one of those turn locks that someone could just punch the glass out and turn the lock and come on in. Since it would be the sound of glass breaking and not a squirrel barking, I'm pretty sure Uno wouldn't notice it. I've been saying we need to replace that lock since we moved in 5 years ago. It just moved higher on the priority list. I'm teleworking tomorrow, so maybe my lunch break will really be a Home Depot run and lock replacement break.
I just hate not feeling safe in my own home. And I hate that I think I'd feel safer if Michael was here.
My neighbors got robbed. While they slept. And it's totally freaked me out.
Now, I live in a townhouse and share a wall with these people. They went to bed and left their windows open since it's been so unbelievably beautiful around here. And we THOUGHT we lived in a relatively safe neighborhood. (I mean, aside from the gang graffiti and all...) The robbers - I guess they were technically "burglars", but who really cares what we call them. Anyways, the Bad Guys opened the noisy gate to their backyard, walked up onto their wooden deck, and cut the screen out of their window to get into the house. All they took was a wallet, went through the house and out the front door, depositing the empty wallet in the bushes on their way. All this happened sometime between midnight and 6 AM. While they slept. That is the part that is freaking me out.
I have a dog. I've never worried about someone breaking in, because my dog lets me know if there is any kind of intruder - including any of the insect variety. Now I'm worried. She sleeps on an ottoman that is next to our window that is basically right above where the Bad Guys broke in. This perch is her lookout over all of the woods behind our house. This dog goes mental whenever the neighbors set foot on their deck. But Bad Guys? Apparently, she can't be bothered.
Last night, I slept with the bedroom door locked. Well, I didn't really sleep. Partly because I'm a wuss and partly because Uno's stomach was upset. (She was trying to eat the carpet and any plants she could get to like she was on a mission.) She kept scratching the door to go outside. Dog - you are smoking crack if you think I'm going to set foot out back where those Bad Guys were mere hours ago in the middle of the freaking night so that you can get your fill of grass to puke up once we get inside. She settled down after I convinced her that the berry flavored Tums are just as delicious as the mint flavored ones. Don't ask.
So, now we are having to alter our routine and it's irritating me. I've turned into some sort of OCD freak making sure all the doors and windows are locked about 6 times a day. We don't go for walks and leave the door unlocked like we used to. And I find myself checking everything when I either get up or come home to make sure no one has been in here.
I've got to go to Home Depot and get a key lock for our french doors on the back of the house. They currently have one of those turn locks that someone could just punch the glass out and turn the lock and come on in. Since it would be the sound of glass breaking and not a squirrel barking, I'm pretty sure Uno wouldn't notice it. I've been saying we need to replace that lock since we moved in 5 years ago. It just moved higher on the priority list. I'm teleworking tomorrow, so maybe my lunch break will really be a Home Depot run and lock replacement break.
I just hate not feeling safe in my own home. And I hate that I think I'd feel safer if Michael was here.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Belly Full of Barium
Mmmmmm...Barium....
I had my CT scan this morning to check out the weirdness they spied on the ultrasound of my gallbladder last month. Whoever named the flavor of that stuff "banana smoothie" has never had a banana smoothie. It actually wasn't as bad as I expected. It tasted like that fake banana flavor in that candy from the 80's that I used to LOVE. (Well, with the exception of the bananas in it...) Anybody remember Runts?
I was told that the doctor should call me within the next 3-5 days, but after the u/s, she called me the next day, so I'm expecting a call sooner rather than later. And I'm expecting that call to be, "everything's fine". The technician read the report from my u/s and said - "oh, this isn't a big deal - they just have to rule things out so you don't sue them later". So I'm not worried. I may still go in to see the original doctor that saw me and ordered the tests in the first place to get her thoughts on the whole heartburn / gallstones issue once she gets back from vacation - I think she gets back next week. The technician did give me a CD with both my ultrasound and CT scan images on it. Of course, as soon as I got to work I popped that baby into my computer and promptly understood why people go to school for extended periods of time to learn how to read these things. So I have all the images, I just have no idea what they mean.
So last night was the monthly dinner with The Girls. We are a group that has either lived together, gone to college together, or both. We've been tight since then. There are 10 of us who make up The Girls, but only 6 are local. So the 6 of us (or some subset) try to do dinner once a month. I always look forward to it - but even more so now with Michael gone. I think the waiters always have to wait for one of us to finish talking. Last night, it was suddenly 11 PM before anyone noticed the time! The Girls know me and understand me better than most people - and love me just the same. We're all dealing with different things in our lives, but it's so nice to have that network of support. While we each might not know exactly what the other is going through, we support each other through it all. I love that. I'll get to see even more of The Girls at our Annual Girls' Beach Weekend coming up in a couple of weeks. That will probably warrant a post of its own.
I'll keep you posted on the CT scan results, but I'm fairly certain it's nothing. (And then I can say, "told you so!")
I had my CT scan this morning to check out the weirdness they spied on the ultrasound of my gallbladder last month. Whoever named the flavor of that stuff "banana smoothie" has never had a banana smoothie. It actually wasn't as bad as I expected. It tasted like that fake banana flavor in that candy from the 80's that I used to LOVE. (Well, with the exception of the bananas in it...) Anybody remember Runts?
I was told that the doctor should call me within the next 3-5 days, but after the u/s, she called me the next day, so I'm expecting a call sooner rather than later. And I'm expecting that call to be, "everything's fine". The technician read the report from my u/s and said - "oh, this isn't a big deal - they just have to rule things out so you don't sue them later". So I'm not worried. I may still go in to see the original doctor that saw me and ordered the tests in the first place to get her thoughts on the whole heartburn / gallstones issue once she gets back from vacation - I think she gets back next week. The technician did give me a CD with both my ultrasound and CT scan images on it. Of course, as soon as I got to work I popped that baby into my computer and promptly understood why people go to school for extended periods of time to learn how to read these things. So I have all the images, I just have no idea what they mean.
So last night was the monthly dinner with The Girls. We are a group that has either lived together, gone to college together, or both. We've been tight since then. There are 10 of us who make up The Girls, but only 6 are local. So the 6 of us (or some subset) try to do dinner once a month. I always look forward to it - but even more so now with Michael gone. I think the waiters always have to wait for one of us to finish talking. Last night, it was suddenly 11 PM before anyone noticed the time! The Girls know me and understand me better than most people - and love me just the same. We're all dealing with different things in our lives, but it's so nice to have that network of support. While we each might not know exactly what the other is going through, we support each other through it all. I love that. I'll get to see even more of The Girls at our Annual Girls' Beach Weekend coming up in a couple of weeks. That will probably warrant a post of its own.
I'll keep you posted on the CT scan results, but I'm fairly certain it's nothing. (And then I can say, "told you so!")
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Misnomer
Since April, this blog hasn't had a thing to do with follicles. It's more of an update on the physical and mental health of Allison. I hope at some point to get back to talking about follicles. But not now. Yesterday marked the beginning of Cycle #50. (Fifty - that even SOUNDS wrong.)
Moving on, I realized that many of my posts are when I'm feeling needy or down. It's like I use this space to vent - it's my therapy. After all, what is therapy but a time to realize and express your feelings. The blog is just saving me time off work and $100 / hour. But I realize that reading my inner-most thoughts of sadness and despair can make some of you worry about me. I know telling you not to worry is like telling me not to be upset that I'm infertile. But writing about my feelings helps me. I do plan to find another therapist. Honest.
My plan is to shop around for a good therapist before Michael comes home. We are going to need to see someone together in order to decide on Plan B. Although, maybe with our history, Plan B should really be considered Plan A - because let's face it... the odds are not great on this last IVF working. So, we'll have to figure out if we want to look into adoption or decide to live child free. Right now, Michael doesn't want to do the former and I don't want to do the latter. So clearly, a therapist is a necessary thing for us. (And probably a good thing for me in the meantime.)
Since I'm usually writing about sad feelings, I figured I'd tell you about some good feelings I had today. Uno and I took a long, wonderful walk tonight. The sky was incredible. I wish I'd had a camera, but I don't think pictures could have captured it. There were storms in neighboring jurisdictions, but our sky was bright blue with HUGE puffy white clouds. It was the kind of sky that made you want to lay in the grass or spin around like when you were a little kid and look up. The clouds started to turn pink around the edges, and that's when I noticed the sunset on the horizon - the sun was this bright burnt orange sphere sinking into a sea of pink. It was beautiful and peaceful - the kind of evening that just makes you happy to be on this earth.
Moving on, I realized that many of my posts are when I'm feeling needy or down. It's like I use this space to vent - it's my therapy. After all, what is therapy but a time to realize and express your feelings. The blog is just saving me time off work and $100 / hour. But I realize that reading my inner-most thoughts of sadness and despair can make some of you worry about me. I know telling you not to worry is like telling me not to be upset that I'm infertile. But writing about my feelings helps me. I do plan to find another therapist. Honest.
My plan is to shop around for a good therapist before Michael comes home. We are going to need to see someone together in order to decide on Plan B. Although, maybe with our history, Plan B should really be considered Plan A - because let's face it... the odds are not great on this last IVF working. So, we'll have to figure out if we want to look into adoption or decide to live child free. Right now, Michael doesn't want to do the former and I don't want to do the latter. So clearly, a therapist is a necessary thing for us. (And probably a good thing for me in the meantime.)
Since I'm usually writing about sad feelings, I figured I'd tell you about some good feelings I had today. Uno and I took a long, wonderful walk tonight. The sky was incredible. I wish I'd had a camera, but I don't think pictures could have captured it. There were storms in neighboring jurisdictions, but our sky was bright blue with HUGE puffy white clouds. It was the kind of sky that made you want to lay in the grass or spin around like when you were a little kid and look up. The clouds started to turn pink around the edges, and that's when I noticed the sunset on the horizon - the sun was this bright burnt orange sphere sinking into a sea of pink. It was beautiful and peaceful - the kind of evening that just makes you happy to be on this earth.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Counting Sheep
Now that I'm back in town, I can't seem to go to sleep. I guess I got used to having Michael next to me again over the past few days. (I'll do a post about the trip later.) This long distance thing sucks, if I haven't mentioned that before. 91 days left.
My CT scan is Tuesday, 8/12 for those of you who were curious. I actually feel fine, so that is good. We just need to check out those pesky lesions.
I even did yoga tonight. And I'm tired. I should really be able to sleep.
My CT scan is Tuesday, 8/12 for those of you who were curious. I actually feel fine, so that is good. We just need to check out those pesky lesions.
I even did yoga tonight. And I'm tired. I should really be able to sleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)