I have had no time to blog lately. Part of that is a good thing - getting out an enjoying life, hanging out with Michael, etc. But the other part of that has been work. It's been nuttly lately, and it doesn't look like there will be any reprieve until the family beach trip in July. But - we all do what we have to!
Something has been on my mind. I can't decide if I should legitimately be upset or if I am playing the victim (as I know the solution and haven't done a darn thing about it). Anyway, here's the thing - after our final IVF failed, not a single person from the fertility clinic called. Not my doctor, not my nurse, NO ONE. My nurse was on vacation when my results came in, so another nurse who didn't know our situation got to be the one to give us that tremendous news. I kind of expected our nurse to call herself once she got back. But she didn't. I also expected our doctor to call since he has after EVERY SINGLE ONE of our other treatments. He's called to check on us, review what happened, and review next steps. He's even called us from his vacations and on his days off.
So, I thought - maybe he's just giving us time to grieve, given that this was our last IVF. But that was April. He's not calling. So I'm thinking all these things in my head.
"Was he really always only interested in the next steps (i.e. more $$)?"
"Did he only pretend to care before?"
"Did he finally give up on us as a hopeless case?"
"Did he decide there were no viable options for us at this point (donor, surrogate, etc.)"
"Was it more - good riddance - since we were bringing their stats down?"
I feel like a giant IVF loser. Now here's where the victim thing comes into play. I know I could call him. I know I could call and ask about other options. But that isn't really the point. I don't think Michael and I would be willing (or able) to spend all of that cash on a chance - especially since they aren't quite sure what was wrong with me in the first place. The point is that WE should be the ones who get to make that decision. By not calling us, I feel like the doctor has already made that determination for us. I'm 99% sure we wouldn't take any of the options left out there, so it seems silly to call and ask about them. And the thought of going into the fertility clinic now to meet with him makes me want to burst into tears - all those years and all that hope. Gone. *shudder*
I've also thought of calling them and letting them know how I felt - like a number and a funding source. I'm guessing they were trying to be respectful of our grief and knowing it was our last IVF, they didn't have anything left to offer us. Or - maybe I'm hoping that.
I just needed to get that out. Because I'm tired of it swirling around in my head.
On a side note, Gary, IN is an incredibly depressing place. Just FYI.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Benefits of Being Late
So anyone who knows me in real life knows that I have a slight problem with punctuality. I'm usually in the ballpark of on time, but I'm hardly ever early. For anything. The past few times I've gone, I've been later than "on time" to my kickboxing class. (Meaning the class has already started and I have to jump in without getting hit.)
Today, I was actually early. Which reminded me why it is sometimes BAD to be early. The class right before Kickboxing is Prenatal Yoga. I had forgotten that little tidbit. So, I got to witness a bunch of pregnant ladies rubbing their growing bellies. Which at this point, I can kind of shrug off. That will never be me and I know that now. But what I still can't deal with is COMPLAINING pregnant ladies. I swear to God - they were all whining about how dreadful it was to be pregnant. One of them said she never wants to be pregnant again, how this is the worst experience of her life. Another one said she was laying down the law with her husband - that this was going to be her last kid. Another was whining about how she never got her body back after the last baby, so this one had surely doomed her.
I bit my tongue. Hard. (And then thought mean things about them waddling out of class.) I know pregnancy is uncomfortable, but I really don't need to hear about how terrible it is when it's the one thing in life I so desperately want and cannot have. I know they didn't know about my infertility. I know they have every right to complain. I just didn't really want to hear it.
It's a good thing the class was kickboxing because I had just a wee bit of aggression to get out right about then.
I think I'll plan to be late from now on.
Today, I was actually early. Which reminded me why it is sometimes BAD to be early. The class right before Kickboxing is Prenatal Yoga. I had forgotten that little tidbit. So, I got to witness a bunch of pregnant ladies rubbing their growing bellies. Which at this point, I can kind of shrug off. That will never be me and I know that now. But what I still can't deal with is COMPLAINING pregnant ladies. I swear to God - they were all whining about how dreadful it was to be pregnant. One of them said she never wants to be pregnant again, how this is the worst experience of her life. Another one said she was laying down the law with her husband - that this was going to be her last kid. Another was whining about how she never got her body back after the last baby, so this one had surely doomed her.
I bit my tongue. Hard. (And then thought mean things about them waddling out of class.) I know pregnancy is uncomfortable, but I really don't need to hear about how terrible it is when it's the one thing in life I so desperately want and cannot have. I know they didn't know about my infertility. I know they have every right to complain. I just didn't really want to hear it.
It's a good thing the class was kickboxing because I had just a wee bit of aggression to get out right about then.
I think I'll plan to be late from now on.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ahhhhhhh
Can I just tell you how AWESOME our vacation was? I think we needed that in a really bad way. There was not one single minute where I wished I was doing anything else. We did a lot of relaxing - but an amazing amount of activity as well - playing with kids (5 and 9 and cute as can be) and dogs, hot tubbing, deep conversations, running (me), driving range (Michael), going out in a catamaran, doing a nature hike in a bird sanctuary, seeing an old shipwreck, making pizza & sangria, looking at planets through a telescope, playing board games, hiking up huge sand dunes to watch the sunset (see picture), playing table shuffleboard, dancing, and finally, ending up in a bar that was hosting a bikini contest. Phew. It was a great time. And I think Michael and I behaved enough to hopefully get another invite someday. Everyone there was so great and welcoming and friendly. The girl whose family owned the house is a friend of a friend. In a super odd small world story - her brother was there too - and it turns out he's the guy who did our mortgage. Wildness.
Anyway, it was a great time. I won't torture you with all kinds of stories, but Michael and I felt like ourselves again. Good stuff. Why can't it always be a vacation? I guess because we wouldn't appreciate it as much.
Speaking of stories - I feel like I really need a new name for this blog. So I'm taking suggestions. Here are a few options Michael and I thought of...
Tales from the Hoodie
"But it's KINDA Funny" - (classic quote from my nephew)
Any opinions? Or other suggestions? I'm leaning towards Tales from the Hoodie, but I'm open. (Michael makes total fun of me for loving hoodies.)
Monday, May 18, 2009
HAPPY OTHERS DAY
That was the message on the board of a church I pass on my way to and from the gym. I notice little sayings every now and then, but this one got me. I have no idea if it was an accident - probably the leftover message from last weekend, but the M fell off.
I'd rather think it was on purpose. And that the sermon was about all the people who feel marginalized at one time or another during the year. The heartbroken on Valentine's Day, the grieving at Christmastime, and of course, the ones like me who long for children of their own on Mother's and Father's Day. We all feel left out every now and then. It can feel like the whole world is celebrating and you - well, you are on the outside looking in.
So whatever your particular brand of sadness, pain or feelings of exclusion - know that everyone else goes through something similar at some point. We're ALL "others". Isn't there something powerful in knowing you aren't alone?
I wish a Happy Other's Day to all of you.
I'd rather think it was on purpose. And that the sermon was about all the people who feel marginalized at one time or another during the year. The heartbroken on Valentine's Day, the grieving at Christmastime, and of course, the ones like me who long for children of their own on Mother's and Father's Day. We all feel left out every now and then. It can feel like the whole world is celebrating and you - well, you are on the outside looking in.
So whatever your particular brand of sadness, pain or feelings of exclusion - know that everyone else goes through something similar at some point. We're ALL "others". Isn't there something powerful in knowing you aren't alone?
I wish a Happy Other's Day to all of you.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Still Here, Still Confused
So being in the here and now apparently doesn't leave time for blogging. ;-)
Sorry I've been MIA. Work has turned crazy and when I'm home, I really just want to hang out with Michael. We've been having some really good times and some really tough times. Both of which require my full attention.
This week, we went to see a therapist to talk about future possibilities (i.e. adoption). It went really well. Michael has never been to a therapist before, so I don't think he knew what to expect. She gave us some good things to think about - including postponing any sort of decision-making until the Fall. I wanted us to go see her together because while I honestly don't know what I want to do (adopt or live childless), I'm leaning towards adoption and Michael is leaning towards remaining a family of 2. I didn't want us to get to a point where it became one of us winning and one losing. And in order for us to figure out what we should do, we actually have to learn more about adoption. Being the nerd that I am, I NEED to research. And if I was researching all by myself and making up my own mind about adoption, that really wouldn't be helpful because this isn't a me thing, it's an us thing. The therapist also suggested taking opposite sides as we learned. So for me it would be making a list of the cons to adoption and for Michael it would be focusing on the pros. I haven't had time to look into anything like an information session yet, but that will be soon.
It's weird. When we were still in the midst of IVF, I really wanted to start looking into adoption. I was jealous of people who were adopting. Now that it's our only way to have a family, I'm not as fired up. I'm actually scared. I think this is a whole other post, but it seemed appropriate to mention now.
Some friends of ours invited Michael and I to the beach with them for Memorial Day weekend. It really couldn't have come at a better time. We need a vacation like crazy! We haven't been on a vacation that didn't involve our families since our honeymoon in 2003. That is just wrong. We love our families and all, but all this trying to have a baby crap just got in the way of us taking the time to go anywhere. It was either that or he didn't have enough leave, we didn't have enough cashflow, blah blah blah. No more excuses - beach, here we come!
Sorry I've been MIA. Work has turned crazy and when I'm home, I really just want to hang out with Michael. We've been having some really good times and some really tough times. Both of which require my full attention.
This week, we went to see a therapist to talk about future possibilities (i.e. adoption). It went really well. Michael has never been to a therapist before, so I don't think he knew what to expect. She gave us some good things to think about - including postponing any sort of decision-making until the Fall. I wanted us to go see her together because while I honestly don't know what I want to do (adopt or live childless), I'm leaning towards adoption and Michael is leaning towards remaining a family of 2. I didn't want us to get to a point where it became one of us winning and one losing. And in order for us to figure out what we should do, we actually have to learn more about adoption. Being the nerd that I am, I NEED to research. And if I was researching all by myself and making up my own mind about adoption, that really wouldn't be helpful because this isn't a me thing, it's an us thing. The therapist also suggested taking opposite sides as we learned. So for me it would be making a list of the cons to adoption and for Michael it would be focusing on the pros. I haven't had time to look into anything like an information session yet, but that will be soon.
It's weird. When we were still in the midst of IVF, I really wanted to start looking into adoption. I was jealous of people who were adopting. Now that it's our only way to have a family, I'm not as fired up. I'm actually scared. I think this is a whole other post, but it seemed appropriate to mention now.
Some friends of ours invited Michael and I to the beach with them for Memorial Day weekend. It really couldn't have come at a better time. We need a vacation like crazy! We haven't been on a vacation that didn't involve our families since our honeymoon in 2003. That is just wrong. We love our families and all, but all this trying to have a baby crap just got in the way of us taking the time to go anywhere. It was either that or he didn't have enough leave, we didn't have enough cashflow, blah blah blah. No more excuses - beach, here we come!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Identity
Still haven't come up with a new name for this blog. Something will come to me eventually. (I hope!)
I'm beginning to feel human again. I'm remembering what makes me "me" is not infertility. It sounds rather dramatic, but in a way I really think I'm rediscovering my life.
Tonight, I'm facilitating the first of a series of 8 sessions for survivors of domestic violence. I've never done it before, and I'm kind of nervous - but in a good way. I guess I'm more excited than nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.
This weekend, I did lots of stuff for me. I went shopping. I went running. I went back to kickboxing. I went walking in the sunshine with my step-mom. I drank wine. Michael and I cooked great meals. We helped my friend Tina with the first planting of her vineyard. (Okay, I guess that was really for her, but it was fun, so I'm counting it.)
It's not that I wasn't doing things for myself before, but that cloud of "what if I'm pregnant?" always seemed to be hanging over me. In an odd sense, a weight has been lifted. Odd, right? I can't quite explain it.
I did want to respond to a few of your comments. I still plan to keep up with my on-line friends through their blogs & facebook. Because, even if I'm not still trying to have a baby, you are still my friends. (I'm not that big of a jerk!) It's just that mentally, I can't keep checking a site dedicated to trying to conceive & parenting. So yes, comment away here and I'll be doing the same on your blogs. (I do miss you all!)
So - a couple of funny stories from the weekend. Well, really they are from the vine planting. First of all, if you are interested in following the beginnings of a vineyard, check out Magnolia Vineyards - there's a link to their blog there too. My friends Tina & Glenn had people come out to help them for the first planting of 1850 vines. It was a perfect weekend for it and there were probably about 8-10 of us helping on Sunday. A couple of people brought their kids - who reminded us all of joys of digging in the dirt. "Look! I found a worm! No - TWO worms!!!!" Anyway, the little girl (probably 3-4) who was there was eyeing me curiously for awhile. Here's how the conversation finally went:
Little Girl: "Are you Caitlin's mom?"
Me: "Nope" (Mind you, there are no other little girls there...)
Her: "Are you SURE?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Her: "Well then, who ARE you?"
Me (in my head): "That is a really good question and I am very thankful you didn't ask whose mother I am..."
Me (out loud): "I'm Tina's friend."
Her: "Who's TINA?"
Me: Pointing to Tina, "she's the one we're helping with all this planting."
Her: (clearly unsatisfied) "You look just like Caitlin's mom. Are you SURE you aren't Caitlin's mom?"
Cracked me up. Caitlin is a girl at her pre-school. How I'd love to see what Caitlin's mom actually looks like. Because I'm not sure this little girl actually believed me that I wasn't her.
The other story from the day was my ineptitude at sunscreen application. I neglected to realize that when kneeling and bending over holes in the ground, my jeans were lower than usual. Yes, I have a tramp stamp of sunburn across my lower back. Michael wanted to get a Sharpie and make it into an eagle to post a picture here. Ummm...yeah. That's why he doesn't have access to post on my blog. No one needs to see a picture that close to my crack!
So those are my stories for now. I'm still working on being in the here and now and not off planning the future, whatever that may hold.
I'm beginning to feel human again. I'm remembering what makes me "me" is not infertility. It sounds rather dramatic, but in a way I really think I'm rediscovering my life.
Tonight, I'm facilitating the first of a series of 8 sessions for survivors of domestic violence. I've never done it before, and I'm kind of nervous - but in a good way. I guess I'm more excited than nervous. I'll let you know how it goes.
This weekend, I did lots of stuff for me. I went shopping. I went running. I went back to kickboxing. I went walking in the sunshine with my step-mom. I drank wine. Michael and I cooked great meals. We helped my friend Tina with the first planting of her vineyard. (Okay, I guess that was really for her, but it was fun, so I'm counting it.)
It's not that I wasn't doing things for myself before, but that cloud of "what if I'm pregnant?" always seemed to be hanging over me. In an odd sense, a weight has been lifted. Odd, right? I can't quite explain it.
I did want to respond to a few of your comments. I still plan to keep up with my on-line friends through their blogs & facebook. Because, even if I'm not still trying to have a baby, you are still my friends. (I'm not that big of a jerk!) It's just that mentally, I can't keep checking a site dedicated to trying to conceive & parenting. So yes, comment away here and I'll be doing the same on your blogs. (I do miss you all!)
So - a couple of funny stories from the weekend. Well, really they are from the vine planting. First of all, if you are interested in following the beginnings of a vineyard, check out Magnolia Vineyards - there's a link to their blog there too. My friends Tina & Glenn had people come out to help them for the first planting of 1850 vines. It was a perfect weekend for it and there were probably about 8-10 of us helping on Sunday. A couple of people brought their kids - who reminded us all of joys of digging in the dirt. "Look! I found a worm! No - TWO worms!!!!" Anyway, the little girl (probably 3-4) who was there was eyeing me curiously for awhile. Here's how the conversation finally went:
Little Girl: "Are you Caitlin's mom?"
Me: "Nope" (Mind you, there are no other little girls there...)
Her: "Are you SURE?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
Her: "Well then, who ARE you?"
Me (in my head): "That is a really good question and I am very thankful you didn't ask whose mother I am..."
Me (out loud): "I'm Tina's friend."
Her: "Who's TINA?"
Me: Pointing to Tina, "she's the one we're helping with all this planting."
Her: (clearly unsatisfied) "You look just like Caitlin's mom. Are you SURE you aren't Caitlin's mom?"
Cracked me up. Caitlin is a girl at her pre-school. How I'd love to see what Caitlin's mom actually looks like. Because I'm not sure this little girl actually believed me that I wasn't her.
The other story from the day was my ineptitude at sunscreen application. I neglected to realize that when kneeling and bending over holes in the ground, my jeans were lower than usual. Yes, I have a tramp stamp of sunburn across my lower back. Michael wanted to get a Sharpie and make it into an eagle to post a picture here. Ummm...yeah. That's why he doesn't have access to post on my blog. No one needs to see a picture that close to my crack!
So those are my stories for now. I'm still working on being in the here and now and not off planning the future, whatever that may hold.
Friday, April 10, 2009
What Now?
That is the question that haunts me daily.
I've spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get pregnant. What now?
The answer is "I don't know". And I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don't HAVE to know. I'm resisting the urge to start planning for whatever might be next and to just BE for awhile.
Every now and then, I remember that this whole fertility quest is over. And that Michael and I will never have a biological child. Ever. And it knocks the wind out of me. I think, "Really??" I can't quite seem to accept it yet.
I've only really done one thing to signify this new status. I recently signed off of the infertility message board where I have been a regular now for several years. That was hard for me, and it was really another loss. I felt like I was breaking up with good friends. It's not the people I want to leave, it's the constant thinking about having a baby. And checking a message board devoted to conception & parenting was just too hard for me. So I had to remove myself from the support system I had leaned on for so long. As much as I want to support them and be there for them for their journeys, I just can't. I can't constantly read about their upcoming IVF cycles or positive pregnancy tests when I know now that I can never join them. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person, but not right now.
Now what to do with this blog. It's clearly not going to be a "follicle report" anymore. But I'm not ready to shut it down. I still feel that it is therapeutic for me. So - good news (ha!) - you still get to read my ramblings! ;-) I might make some changes at some point, but for now - I'll leave it pretty much as-is.
You know, since I have no idea what's next.
I've spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get pregnant. What now?
The answer is "I don't know". And I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don't HAVE to know. I'm resisting the urge to start planning for whatever might be next and to just BE for awhile.
Every now and then, I remember that this whole fertility quest is over. And that Michael and I will never have a biological child. Ever. And it knocks the wind out of me. I think, "Really??" I can't quite seem to accept it yet.
I've only really done one thing to signify this new status. I recently signed off of the infertility message board where I have been a regular now for several years. That was hard for me, and it was really another loss. I felt like I was breaking up with good friends. It's not the people I want to leave, it's the constant thinking about having a baby. And checking a message board devoted to conception & parenting was just too hard for me. So I had to remove myself from the support system I had leaned on for so long. As much as I want to support them and be there for them for their journeys, I just can't. I can't constantly read about their upcoming IVF cycles or positive pregnancy tests when I know now that I can never join them. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person, but not right now.
Now what to do with this blog. It's clearly not going to be a "follicle report" anymore. But I'm not ready to shut it down. I still feel that it is therapeutic for me. So - good news (ha!) - you still get to read my ramblings! ;-) I might make some changes at some point, but for now - I'll leave it pretty much as-is.
You know, since I have no idea what's next.
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