That is the question that haunts me daily.
I've spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get pregnant. What now?
The answer is "I don't know". And I need to find a way to be okay with that. I don't HAVE to know. I'm resisting the urge to start planning for whatever might be next and to just BE for awhile.
Every now and then, I remember that this whole fertility quest is over. And that Michael and I will never have a biological child. Ever. And it knocks the wind out of me. I think, "Really??" I can't quite seem to accept it yet.
I've only really done one thing to signify this new status. I recently signed off of the infertility message board where I have been a regular now for several years. That was hard for me, and it was really another loss. I felt like I was breaking up with good friends. It's not the people I want to leave, it's the constant thinking about having a baby. And checking a message board devoted to conception & parenting was just too hard for me. So I had to remove myself from the support system I had leaned on for so long. As much as I want to support them and be there for them for their journeys, I just can't. I can't constantly read about their upcoming IVF cycles or positive pregnancy tests when I know now that I can never join them. Maybe one day I will be a strong enough person, but not right now.
Now what to do with this blog. It's clearly not going to be a "follicle report" anymore. But I'm not ready to shut it down. I still feel that it is therapeutic for me. So - good news (ha!) - you still get to read my ramblings! ;-) I might make some changes at some point, but for now - I'll leave it pretty much as-is.
You know, since I have no idea what's next.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
11 comments:
Allison I am glad you decided to keep the blog, I want to hear from you and I want to know that you soon will be able to move from this limbo that lasted too long and has taken away from your life.
I hope I will be able to see you again in DC and we'll get to go shopping and be just two friends that can talk of silly and serious stuff.
for now I just hope life will be kind to you, I know Michael is going to take excellent care of you
take care and thanks for keeping the blog
Giulia
Good luck at figuring out what's next. It's so hard to just stop doing something you've been working at so hard for so long.
Glad you are continuing with the blog for now.
Its too bad there isn't a manual for this sort of thing. None of the books out there really say anything useful about the point.
I read a great variety of blogs from birthmother to adoption to TTC to adoption to childless to childfree to those of folks who just write about their life. I like reading your blog and am glad to be able to continue to do so.
I understand your need to back off, but I'd be sad to be completely cut off from your life. This is going to be a process, I hope you don't feel bad about going through it. No one expects you to just get over it and move on.
I second and third just about everything everyone else said. That being said, I hope commenting doesn't bother you too much. If it does, please just let me know. :)
hugs
Allison - Just looked at LP and saw your news. I hadn't been on in a while. I'm so sorry. If you want to talk, you can email me at stevewendyadopt@comcast.net.
Wendy from Loungeplace
Sorry I am coming rather late to your sad news also. I second what everyone else has said so far, including being glad you are continuing this blog. Wish I had greater words of wisdom to offer- sending you loads of love and hugs instead. xx
I am so glad you are keeping the blog! I enjoy reading about your life.
Laura (lalybro from LP)
Allison I totally understand what you are going through as I'm still going through it myself. The best advice I can give you is take time to heal yourself. Honestly this is a long process.
I find that blogging has helped me tremedously. It's therapy for the mind and heart.
If you have any questions or just need to vent I'm here for you! xoxo
I don't know that it's a question of being strong enough or not. You're not weak just because you don't want to be confronted every day with what you've lost, always on the outside looking in. Self-preservation does not equal weakness. I'm glad you're going to continue blogging. I would miss you if you went away.
Stopping treatments without getting pregnant isn't anyone's desired outcome, but the one aspect of the stopping that I appreciated was being able to breathe again. I hadn't realized how much TTC ran my life. I mean, I knew it was a huge part, but until I stopped I didn't know how much of ME was consumed by it. Even in the midst of grief it was nice to find me again. I hope it's the same for you. ((hugs))
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