All my life, I've been a quitter.
I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. It's just that if I'm not good at something, I usually stop doing it. "Practice makes perfect" never really seemed worth it to me. Piano, ballet, riding a bike, driving stick shift (okay, basically anything that required any minor level of coordination) - I just decided that these were things I didn't need to do. So I quit trying to do them.
However, that doesn't seem to apply to trying to have a baby. I'm clearly not good at it, yet I can't seem to give up. Why is that?
It's something I've been tossing around in my brain for awhile now. Why is Michael, the overachiever who has never quit anything in his life, okay with giving up, but I, the self-proclaimed giver-upper, can't seem to wrap my mind around that concept all of a sudden?
I think my other role as first-born, people-pleaser supercedes my role as a quitter. And they actually work together - stay with me here, more on that in a minute. I'm a rule-follower. I do what is expected. I don't like to rock the boat. I value being seen as responsible, reliable, dependable. A woman's role in society is to produce offspring - to leave another generation behind us. How can I quit trying to fulfill that role or expectation that society has of me? How can I possibly get to the point where I feel comfortable giving up on what is supposed to be my biological purpose in life? And honestly, as much as it is about me and how I think of myself - there's also something in there about what others think of me. I feel I'm letting my parents down for not giving them a grandchild. Isn't that what they've been expecting all along? I can't meet those expectations, and that is killing me. That's part of what makes it really hard for me to give up.
So how does the quitter work with the people-pleaser? Part of the reason I would quit anything I wasn't good at was because I didn't want anyone to see my failure. If I just didn't do it, I couldn't fail. If I didn't fail, I didn't have to worry about not meeting expectations. But the drive to have a child is so biological, so innate, and so expected by society. Not trying would be worse in that case than trying and failing (over and over and over again). So here I am. Stuck in that place between contemplating the quitting and desperately wanting to hang on.
I had a dream last night that I pretended I was someone else at the fertility clinic to get them to do treatments on me because they had given up on me as a lost cause. I was hurting their statistics. This isn't true of course, but we really ARE done after this next IVF, so that must have been on my mind. But if they can't tell me what is wrong or WHY I can't get pregnant, how can I trust that I really can't? What if I only need this or that herb or test or treatment? How can I NOT get my hopes up every month only to be devastated once again when I get my period? How can I ever just quit?
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5 comments:
I don't think not having a child is letting your parent's down. I think your parents want you to be happy. If, to you, happiness means having a child then I think they want you to do that. If, to you, happiness is something else, then I think they want you to do that.
Just so you know, I linked to your blog here.
Allison,
Email me smorsh2003@yahoo.com I am the one with the thyroid issues. Have you been tested for any immunological issues? I have thryoid issues. Hashimitos thyroiditis, thyroid antibodies. I also have learned recently that some people who have autoimmune isses (thyroid) also have celiacs disease. It's worth looking into if you have not.
Who is your RE?
i have thought about this so much - the want to have offspring and how much of the drive is biological vs. society's expectations (went through the same thing when i was getting married). i don't think it is possible to separate the two. we'll never be able to say "well, i think my drive to have a child is 70% biological and 30% based on society's expectations." they are both completely innate and therefore, largely unquantifiable. and as much as i have wanted to reject society's pressure on me and do what i 100% completely WANT to do, it is an almost impossible task for many of us.
and the pleasing the parents thing? that one hurts, i know. and i also know you feel like it is your fault somehow - even though it really is not. you are right - our parents had expectations from us the moment we were born. i find it annoying that they were placed on us from when we were little, tiny people and we grow up feeling that we have to fit someone's mold of what they feel is right in this world. so many people don't have to question this.
your dream the other night is so telling about where you are right now with IF. this last IVF is like this giant shadow looming in near-distance, bringing with it hope and fear. it is enormous.
all of this to say that i'm not sure how anyone ever truly gives up the hope that they will have a biological child. maybe it is never 100% gone, but each person figures out their own way to live a life after IF that makes the hope live on a more subconscious level. i'm sure the magic bullet is different for each and every person.
i wish there were more definite answers - on all of this. xoxoxo
I'm a first born over achiever and I'm starting to understand the idea of being ready to quit.
My situation is different than yours; we're trying to conceive a second one. Believe it or not, infertility still hurts a bunch the second time around.
I'm not there yet - the being ready to quit - but I'm sort of starting to grasp it. There's just so much in my life I've put on hold or not put as much energy into because we're pursuing a second kid, that I'm starting to get distracted by possibilities like getting into better shape and putting the money towards our new house.
I don't know that I'll ever stop being jealous of those with multiple kids, or a little hurt when I hear a friend of mine is pregnant for the second time. But I'm starting to vaguely see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not about making yourself stop feeling something, it's about starting to feel something else I think.
Wow. We are so alike.
For me I just add that it's always been VERY difficult for me to give up on something I really want. All my life, if I really wanted it, I MADE it happen and prided myself on that fact. Now look where I am... A really religious person would tell me that God's sending me a lesson in humility or some crap like that.
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