That is how I've been feeling lately. Or maybe it's more "life is moving forward and here I am in the exact same place I was 3 years ago, only with less hope". The world keeps changing, but I'm still struggling with the same damn thing.
Getting 3 birth announcements and my embryo report (with a big fat goose egg in the spot for # of embryos frozen) in the mail this week certainly didn't help quell that feeling. The embryo report was very late, given that my last cycle was in April. So I knew the information - it wasn't like it was a surprise. Someone must have just found it and realized they never sent it to us. Just the combo of that bleak report with the joyous announcements of others left me feeling... well, bleh.
Have you ever tried to run in water?
That is what this feels like to me. I feel like I'm in the ocean, trying to get to the pier. I'm running towards it, but I'm not moving. Everyone else is on the beach and they are all getting to the pier with no problem. Heck, some of them are making repeat trips. But I keep running, as hard as I can, and the current is keeping me where I am.
Although, right now - I'm not even running. With Michael gone, it's like everything is standing still. Just waiting for him to come home. And I feel like the longer I wait, the farther I get from ever becoming a mother. But it is what it is. You'd think I would have learned by now how little control I have over anything. I guess old control freak habits die hard.
So here I am. Not so patiently waiting. For I don't know what.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
7 comments:
ew. that is a lot to deal with in one week. just one of those items would have pushed me over the edge.
you are in such a frustrating situation, esp. compounded with the fact that you and michael have been apart for so long. you are getting to the end the tunnel, though, on that front...
i don't think anyone would expect you to "patiently" wait. i mean, it has been a long time - at some point we have to give up being patient.
i don't know if what i said makes any sense...
you know I never read this, or maybe I did once...and I feel so bad I never came here to offer a shoulder to you...
Unfortunately you have to wait, I agree, I don't think you can be patient, I wouldn't be so either, but things are looking like that right now, it does suck!
I don't know what to say to make it better, a part that I want to send you big hugs and that I wish we lived closer and we could spend time together, killing this wait and making things a little better
Giulia (I hope you read this with a heavy Italian accent)
I totally get what you are saying. I'm there with you...you just can't see me because everyone keeps passing between us.
XOXO
I was at the beach this weekend with a 39 year old woman who just had IVF twins 6 months ago. I told her all about you and how you are the oldest and one of my dearest friends that I keep in contact with, and how I wish there was something I could do to help. I can only imagine how old it must be to hear about everyone else who hasn't got issues in the whole fertility dept. I just know something good is going to happen. You deserve happiness more than anyone I can think of!
Love,
Jamie
I am laughing at my own comment- by oldest I do not mean your age- I meant that we have known each other since middle school. I knew you would know what I meant, but am not sure others would understand : )
"The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part"
I love that running in water analogy, I feel the same way exactly. Why the fuck aren't I out on the beach with the rest of the Mamas?
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