Epiphany

I know I've been hesitant about moving on to IVF, but I couldn't put a finger on why. Well, a conversation with Cindy this weekend pretty much cleared it up. I thought I was worried about the egg retrieval (where they put you under and put a needle through the vaginal wall into the ovary to harvest the eggs). Turns out, I'm worried because if we move to IVF - that means that is our last shot at becoming parents. (Okay - I'm still queasy about the needle through the vaginal wall thing, but that's not the main issue.) ;-) Up until this point, I've felt like we were at the beginning of treatment and there were so many other things left to try. Now there is ONE option left. That scares me.

Michael is fine either way - he'd love to have kids, but he's happy with our life as it is. I'm having a hard time changing the picture I had in my mind of what my family would be. I'm happy with our life now too, but I always thought we'd be parents at some point. I know life doesn't always turn out like you expect it to, but I never in a million years imagined that I wouldn't be a mom.

I feel like I need to get to the point where I'm okay with never having children. I think that would help lessen the pressure I'm putting on myself and make IVF less scary. Shady Grove has some counselors, so I'm trying to set up an appointment for us to talk to someone. It's been awhile since I've been in therapy - but I also haven't had to deal with something like this for awhile either. (Thank GOD!)