Remember that weird feeling I had? I guess that's what we'll call it since I was right. I hate that I was right. (You won't usually hear me saying that.)
I took the afternoon off so that I wasn't in cubeville when they called with the test results. I'm not sure if that was good or not. It gave me permission to totally lose it when I heard the nurse say, "unfortunately..." I hate that word.
Why doesn't this get any easier? And why is it happening to us? Some sort of reason would make all this a little easier to accept. I'm thinking maybe I have too many good things in my life. Maybe the universe is trying to dole out heartache and I just haven't had my share. I don't know - I know it sounds crazy, but it's the only thing that makes a lick of sense to me. My life has been pretty great. Maybe life IS fair after all and I'd just gotten used to everything being sunshine and roses.
Of course I also went through the whole blaming myself thing. With IVF, we KNOW we had 2 embryos. They were put back into my uterus. They're not there now. You do the math. When I apologized to Michael for not being able to carry the babies, he told me he was sorry that he screwed up the progesterone shots. Huh? I told him he was being ridiculous and he said, "I know - that's the point. So are you. You are NOT the reason for this." Like I said, I've been pretty lucky in life.
So - that's the update. I wish it was different. I'll probably still post here even though we'll be on a break through the holidays. (I know you all can't get enough.) And, this has become my therapy.
Thanks for all the support - the prayers, the well-wishes, and just generally rooting for us. Maybe one day...
RIP Curly and Larry.
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5 comments:
Hey there - my words all seem. . .useless? So sending lots of love. Looking forward to seeing you soon. - Heather Marie
thinking of you...xoxoxox
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the whole "life isn't fair" thing the last few months too. My life has been far from perfect but I have been given many "gifts". I am pretty smart and was able to graduate cum laude from college with very little effort. I was given a position in my father's (start up) company at the age of 20 and now make a pretty nice salary doing something I really like. I was fortunate enough to meet my darling husband fairly early in life. Until very recently had had a good job too. His parents are not only really wonderful and loving people but also happen to be loaded, so they have been able to help us several times when the medical bills started to pile up in 2004 and then again this year. I have an amazing house in a lovely neighborhood. I get to eat great food every day. I have wondered if maybe DH having these problems with his stump and us having IF is karma balancing out the universe? Maybe we had it too good before and we needed a reality check? But then I think about SIL with her EVEN MORE perfect life, as yet untainted by any major ailment and think no, that can't be it. TBH, the conclusion that I have come to is that it is all just freaking random. There is absolutely no order or purpose - just luck of the draw. *sigh* I'm not sure there was any point to that ramble. Anyway, to the extent you feel up to it, continue to post and I will continue to read. Many hugs chica!
Oh my gosh I SO identify with you. When DH and I got married, I remember even TELLING him, "When's the other shoe gonna drop? I'm SO pleased with almost everything in my life, I feel like I can't get any luckier and something bad HAS to happen!" I don't know. It felt like you had a limit of "good stuff" or something. I know it's crazy talk, but you took the words right out of my mouth.
I guess I CAN handle it better than someone who doesn't have such a wonderfully supportive DH, so in that case, I'm lucky. And I kinda figured this is the way the other shoe would drop. At least I still have him, and he's healthy as a horse. :)
Many many hugs and well wishes.
(((hugs)))
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