The Year in Review

I truly can't believe 2007 is coming to an end. It seemed to go by so fast, but when I think back to where I was at this time last year, it seems like a different lifetime. And yet I am in the same place I was back then. Childless.

Well, not exactly the same place. Last year at this time, I was hopeful. SO hopeful. 2007 was our year to have a baby. Our first RE appointment was coming up in January. He would surely help us figure out what was "wrong" once and for all and we could set about to start fixing it. And we'd have a baby. I even thought I was being realistic when I thought "Maybe we won't have a baby by next Christmas, but I'll at least be pregnant."

We spent the ENTIRE year working on that. I feel like it was a wasted year. We still don't know why I can't seem to get pregnant. I feel like we tried everything this year - testing, clomid, IUI, injections, acupuncture, herbs, vitamins, diet changes, and finally - IVF. We did all that in a year. Yet still, here I am. We didn't even really take or plan any vacations because we thought - what if I'm pregnant then? Ha.

I'm not being entirely fair to myself. As a result of all this IF crap, I think I've grown more as a person. Not exactly the path I would have chosen, but hey. Michael and I have grown closer. I've discovered a lot about myself. I've learned what things I can handle and what situations I need to gracefully avoid - or find a quick spot for a good cry. I've learned that I can handle sticking a needle in my stomach. (Repeatedly.) I've learned that I can talk about my IF without shame. I've learned how to deal with ridiculous suggestions (although "just relax" still makes steam shoot from my ears). I've learned that my IF doesn't define me - who I am as a person. It's just something I have - like a damn virus that won't go away. I've learned that this isn't my fault and that there really isn't much I can do to control it (though LORD do I try!).

So realistically, I KNOW the year hasn't been a waste, but I can't help but feel that way when I think back to where I was in December 2006 and the end result of 2007. I may be in the same place, but I sure don't feel the same way.

Looking forward to 2008, I wish I could muster some of that hope from last year. But I'm not hopeful. I'm sort of... resigned. 2008 is just a year I need to get through. That is a terrible New Year's attitude. I know. I guess I've never really been one for New Year's anyway. Maybe I need to plan some vacations...