No Dice

Once again - I don't have wait for the nurse's call at my desk tomorrow about how the pregnancy test turned out. For those of you who need things spelled out a bit more - I started my period - clearly not pregnant.

I almost didn't go to a picnic today. That would have been my first missed event due to this infertility stuff. I've been to baby showers, babysat, etc. but today the thought of someone asking me about "how things were going" would have reduced me to a blubbering mess. I was somehow able to get myself OUT of the blubbering mess state to put my makeup on and get to the picnic. (I am still totally blaming it on all these hormones.) ;-) For the record, I'm really glad I went to the picnic - it was really fun (as I knew it would be) and my friends are the greatest. I know they would have understood if I was a no show, but hey - I had a record to keep.

I'm reading a book my Aunt Margie sent me called "Unsung Lullabies" that has hit home several times. One thing it talks about is that the process of infertility is a recurrent trauma. It's the accumulation of losses - having a failure month after month that takes its toll. Not only are you sad about one failed cycle, you are sad about the cumulative effect of all the previous failures. I guess that is part of what I am going through now. Interestingly enough, the authors recommend sharing your experience or your feelings with someone. So I guess you all are helping me get through this!

But it IS an emotional roller coaster. Once we start the new cycle, we will need to have put this failed cycle behind us and be positive and hopeful once again. It's really hard to be hopeful when you are wondering if you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. At the same time, you don't want to go into it thinking that it isn't going to work. It's a tough balance.

I'm not sure what to do this cycle. I kind of want to take a break from all these drugs. I've cancelled my pregnancy test, but I will probably go in for the Day 3 bloodwork & ultrasound just to see what is going on in there. We will also need to set up our consultation with the doctor for IVF since this next one will be our last IUI cycle. I'll probably check back in with you all on Wednesday after the Day 3 stuff. Thanks for being here.