Unsung Lullabies Chapters 6 & 7 - Men and Relationships

First off, thank you so much for all the supportive comments after my therapy experience. I am just saddened that it sounds like so many of you have been through something similar. It's funny - I think I get more out of my journal and this blog than I'll ever get out of therapy. And this experience just makes me hesitant to even try again. But I will. I'm a glutton for punishment, what can I say.

Okay, on to Unsung Lullabies. I feel like I should have asked Michael to read Chapter 6 and do a guest post on here since it is all about The Man. These are going to be some tough chapters to review with any level of personal story attached, as they would basically be stories about our sex life. I share a LOT with you all, but I think I usually stay on the appropriate side of too much information.

I don't totally know how Michael would feel about some of the assertions the authors make, but some of them seem to apply. In our society, men aren't supposed to have feelings - especially around infertility. But men have reproductive stories too. I know Michael has one because he's talked about coaching little league someday. Before we got married, he even told me that we'd have boys - said it ran in his family. After reading this book, I'm thinking we might need to explore our stories a little more together.

Reproduction seems to be a woman's world, but when things don't go as planned, men can feel frustrated that they can't "fix it". They have the stress of feeling helpless that they can't have a baby PLUS the stress of not being able to help their partner stop being sad. That one rang true for me. I know Michael wants more than anything for me to be happy and it kills him to see me so devastated after a failed cycle. One man quoted in the book said, "I'm so tired of her tears because there's nothing I can do to stop them."

Adding to the helplessness, virtually all of the tests and procedures are on the woman. And they are all very medical. The only male tests and procedures are overtly sexual in nature. I had always thought of that as easier to deal with (after all, it's something people do anyways!), but after reading this chapter, I can see where that would actually be worse. My mistake was that I was so relieved when all Michael's tests came back normal. I thought that meant I didn't need to worry about him. That his main concern was that his swimmers weren't up to the task. Come to find out, that's NOT all men are worried about. (Who knew?!)

Another thing about men's feelings that I was surprised to read was the whole issue of "baby-making sex". Many men don't want to have sex on command - and report feeling used. I thought that was an interesting word, as you usually hear it in terms of women being used in the same way, but for very different purposes. Just as women can feel devalued by being used for their bodies, men can feel the same way being used for their sperm.

Okay - enough of the sex talk. (I got through it pretty well, though - wouldn't you say?) There's a whole section in the book on shots. Michael did my first injection. He said if I did it and it was bad, I'd never want to do it again. But if he did it and it was bad, I could just blame him. I was totally freaked - both by the shot and by letting go of the control - letting him give me that shot. It was fine - he did great, but I did my own shots after that. At one point during our IUI's, I thought Michael might be feeling left out of the treatment stuff, so I even offered to let him give me the shots. He declined, but he got back in on the action with the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots after the IVF. The book talks about those being agonizing for both men and women for different reasons. For women, well - for one they hurt. But there's also that loss of control. For men, there's the issue of inflicting pain on someone you love. The PIO shots were one of our only fights during all this. I questioned Michael about whether he had prepared the shot correctly, was using the right needle, knew where to give the shot, etc. Since I wasn't doing it myself, I wanted to be sure he knew what he was doing. He got pissed (rightly so) because he didn't think I trusted him & questioned his ability.

Chapter 7 was about the toll infertility takes on ALL intimate relationships. I feel like Michael and I are actually closer because of all of this, but the authors do point out some things to be aware of. The first is that infertility is a dual trauma - you have the individual trauma, but then you also have to cope with how your partner is coping. There can be a huge disconnect when the coping styles are different. I identified particularly with one example of a couple where the woman was doing tons and tons of research. The man was not interested. She felt like he didn't care and he felt like she was obsessing and didn't WANT to know all that information. The authors talk about negotiation as finding a way for both of you to cope without trampling on the other person. They also mention that when both partners feel a loss of control with infertility, there can be a power struggle in a completely unrelated front. I feel like Michael and I are doing okay with that, but it is something to be aware of for the future.

The next section of the book is called "Grieving and Coping". That is where I stopped when I was reading it last time. Can we say, DENIAL? This time, though, I'm looking forward to reading it. I don't think I was in a place where I could read it before.

I'll link here when I get the next blogger's take on these 2 chapters.