Unsung Lullabies Chapter 8 - "Little Deaths"

While that isn't the title of the chapter, I feel like it should be. This chapter was all about grieving - and interestingly, where I stopped reading when I was reading this book before. I guess I wasn't too keen on grieving at that moment...

Infertility is a cycle - hope, loss, hope, loss. You can't get too caught up in mourning the loss, because you have to muster up some hope for the next cycle. The authors talk about the importance of mourning these "little deaths" - grieving for the pregnancy or the baby that never was. They make the analogy of a boxer in a ring who is losing the fight, but keeps getting back up. I hurt, but I feel like I need to ingnore my pain, man up and get back in there. I don't want to admit defeat.

The other thing that compounds these losses is that others don't really understand them. There aren't even words to acknowledge them. It feels similar to the loss of a loved one, but there aren't any memories or rituals to acknowledge them. Not only are we grieving the loss of a pregnancy, we are also grieving the loss of our identity as a potential parent.

The authors identify 3 steps to healing - (1) acknowledge that what you are going through is a real and valid loss (even if society doesn't acknowledge it), (2) understand that mourning infertility is difficult (cut yourself some slack), and (3) familiarize yourself with the grief process (these crazy feelings are normal).

The grief process involves shock and denial, sadness, anger, self-blame, hope for a miracle, and acceptance. With infertility, since it is not a single event you deal with and move on, progression through these stages is hardly linear. You may be experiencing multiple stages at once. I was encouraged to see that hope was a normal part of the grieving process. (Could I actually be normal?!) They talk a little about the irrational hope - like when Michael and I were on a break, but I still made sure we had sex at the "right" time thinking there was a chance we'd get pregnant on our own.

The authors talk about grieving also when you move to yet another intervention. I was so torn when the day for my first meeting with the RE finally came. I remember thinking when I made the appointment 3 months ahead that surely we'd be pregnant before needing intervention. I was excited to maybe find out what was wrong, but utterly depressed that we were at the point of needing a fertility specialist. It was like admitting defeat. I felt the same way when we were moving on to IVF. Excited that this might finally be the answer, but sad that we were actually having to use Plan C in this quest to become parents.

The last section of this chapter is - "How to Get Unstuck". Communication is the most important thing according to the authors. If you can't talk to someone, write down your feelings. I'm doing both, so that's good. Another thing is to admit when you feel upset. So often, I deny it. Try to blame it on something else. Beat myself up for feeling the way I do. They suggest finding an outlet for your anger. Being patient and gentle with your partner. And remembering that there is no right or wrong way to feel about all this. A good reminder for me.

Interesting that I finished this chapter feeling... what was that? Hopeful? Maybe I am normal after all.

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