Advice

I've been a blog slacker. Sorry about that. Maybe we should attribute it to my "Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood". That is my diagnosis from the therapist. The therapist who I am no longer going to see. Why, you ask?

She gave me advice.

Doesn't sound so horrible, right? Well, aside from the fact that therapists are really supposed to just help you come to conclusions on your own - you know, ask you a bunch of questions, guide you figure things out for yourself - it was what the advice was about.

She gave me advice on how to get pregnant.

I only wish I was kidding. Now, to be fair - I did open the door for it. I was planning to post the experience here, but I've been slacking - so I mentioned the story to the therapist. This is what prompted the advice.

I mentioned that that pesky little word "hope" seemed to be sneaking back in for me with this upcoming IVF cycle getting closer. I was on the elliptical at the gym. There was a woman I noticed who had really toned arms. She turned around and had to be 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was lifting all kinds of weights. My first thought was actually NOT "she's pregnant and I'm not", as it sometimes is when I'm having a bad day and see a pregnant woman. My thought was, "wow. She can have a normal pregnancy and not worry about every little thing she does." I was thinking about how I'll likely be terrified of moving for the entire 9 months when I get pregnant. It's the last part of that sentence that led me to say that I seemed to be thinking more positively.

The therapist asked me if I had read "The Secret". I nearly fell out of my chair. I just said no (in a snotty teenage girl way). For those of you who don't know about this book / Oprah sensation, it basically says that the reason people don't have what they want in life is because they are focusing on NOT having it. She started to explain the value of positive thinking when I stopped her and told her that frankly that book is insulting to me because it implies that infertility is my fault for my negative thinking. For the first year we tried, I kept telling myself after every cycle that it takes most people a year to conceive and that next cycle was surely the one. Once we began seeing the fertility doctor, I kept thinking that THIS was the treatment we needed. After the IUI's, I would visualize the sperm & egg connecting. I would visualize the embryo implanting in my uterus. All because I heard something about the power of positive thinking and visualizing what you want. Do you have any idea what it does to a person to convice yourself 42 freakin' times that you are pregnant, only to have your period arrive? Well, you're looking at it.

So, wanting to get away from this subject, I went back to the gym experience. The therapist tried reassuring me by telling me that these days, you are supposed to exercise during pregnancy. I tried to explain that after an IVF cycle, the doctors recommend you limit your activity and gave me a number that my heart rate should not get above. I was suprised to find that when I checked my heart rate on a walk, it was above the recommended level, so I was having to walk really slow. She said something about if you are in better shape, your heart rate won't get up so high.

I'm sorry? Did you just tell me that I was out of shape, lady? I stopped listening to her at this point. She essentially told me that if I think positively and worked out more, I would get pregnant. This from a therapist. Doesn't she know that I have tried everything? Advice does not help me at all at this point.

So, I'm on the hunt for a new therapist. I was concerned that maybe I was focusing too much on her and not enough on me - but I think I need to find someone who is actually helpful. And to think, I was so hopeful! Ironic, isn't it?