I don't think I told you all WHY I was getting to see Michael. (The visit was wonderful, by the way. Leslie - sorry I missed you this time.)
A few months ago, my boss sent me an e-mail about this National Child Welfare Leadership Institute that was going on around the country. I told her it was just too much right now (I was practicing saying "no") with the IVF stuff, the dog, Michael being gone, etc. She was really disappointed, so - not being one who relishes others' disappointment in me, I looked into it a bit more. (Guess I still need to work on that whole "no" thing...) Turns out, the session I was geographically supposed to go to in Philly was full, but they had some slots open in Atlanta "if I didn't mind going there instead". Since Atlanta is only about 2 and a half hours from Michael, I didn't have to think too hard.
So, I left on Wednesday to go see Michael, spent a wonderful (although too short) few days with him and then he drove me up to Stone Mountain, GA on Sunday. I was nervous. I didn't know anyone. I didn't know what to expect. All I had was an e-mail telling me to be there at 5 PM in casual attire and that all food and lodging were covered.
When I walked in, there were people sitting at tables chatting. One of the instructors for the week greeted me and told me to have a seat. There was one table where a woman was sitting by herself dutifully reading the training manual they had sent us in advance. I chose the seat next to her and asked if she minded. She looked up with the warmest smile and I knew I'd picked the right seat. She turned out to be one of the most incredible women I have ever met and I see us being friends long into the future.
We're really an unlikely pair. She was a teen mom. I'm infertile. She went to college on a full basketball scholarship. Ummm... I don't think I need to say anything here, as I'm Mrs. Pushing 5'4" and Uncoordinated. She's African-American. I'm White. She has absolute full faith in God and His Plan. I'm questioning Him right now. None of those things seemed to matter - or rather, maybe they strengthened our draw to one another.
After dinner that first night, she and I were walking back to our rooms. We could hear some live music coming from somewhere in the distance. She said - "Change your shoes and let's go find that music" - so off we went. Turns out, it was the Latino Festival that was just wrapping up. It was just something I never would have done. It was good to get outside of my comfort zone. I needed that.
The next day, she convinced me to go running with her. For those of you who don't know me in real life, I am NOT a runner. Much less a runner who could keep up with a basketball player. She said she's gained some weight due to stress and wants to get back in shape, so surprisingly, I could actually keep up with her. We ran together 2 days of the week and hiked together 2 other days. I took a hike around the mountain by myself on the day that most people recovered from our night out. I couldn't NOT hike in a place as beautiful as where we were. I needed that time alone. The exercise was good for my body, the being outside in nature was good for my soul. I needed that.
The whole week was about reflection and gaining perspective in your professional life. Which I did get. But I also got some perspective in my personal life, which I didn't expect. It was so nice to be away from everything familiar. No one there knew me. They didn't know about my struggles with infertility. I did tell a few people, but I didn't feel the NEED to tell every single person who asked if I had kids. I didn't feel like I had to be the ambassador for all infertiles and wear my infertility like a badge. I told people when it was relevant. I wasn't ashamed, but I also didn't want it to define me. And it didn't. This was the one week in the past 3 years when infertility didn't define who I was or what I did.
It was good to get outside of myself for a change. I needed that.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Anticipation
I'm leaving to go see Michael in a few hours. I'm excited, but I realized something about myself. An unexpected way that all this infertility crap has changed me.
I can't seem to look forward to anything.
When I would try to think about the trip and how great it would be to see Michael again, my mind wouldn't let me go there. It's like I don't want to anticipate anything good because I don't want to be let down. I guess 45 times of getting your hopes up only to have them shattered over and over takes it's toll in other facets of your life as well. I just didn't think that I had let it.
Instead, I find myself thinking of all the things that could go wrong. A missed flight, a car accident, etc. Now there's some positive thinking for ya! Oy.
I kind of feel cheated. Half of the fun of some things are the anticipation - going on vacation, getting ready to see old friends, etc. Now if I've somehow switched that part of my brain off, aren't I missing a lot?
Don't get me wrong - I'm SO looking forward to seeing Michael, but my brain won't let me think about it. Won't let me daydream about it. Maybe some of that is good - it forces me to live in the present instead of planning for the future (which is my speciality, or used to be). I don't know. Good or bad - it was a bit of an aha moment, so I thought I'd share it.
By the way - talked to the endocrinologists office yesterday - his little games yielded only normal results. It was worth a shot. My TSH was 1.47 - which is good. I probably won't be blogging much for awhile since I'll be away.
I can't seem to look forward to anything.
When I would try to think about the trip and how great it would be to see Michael again, my mind wouldn't let me go there. It's like I don't want to anticipate anything good because I don't want to be let down. I guess 45 times of getting your hopes up only to have them shattered over and over takes it's toll in other facets of your life as well. I just didn't think that I had let it.
Instead, I find myself thinking of all the things that could go wrong. A missed flight, a car accident, etc. Now there's some positive thinking for ya! Oy.
I kind of feel cheated. Half of the fun of some things are the anticipation - going on vacation, getting ready to see old friends, etc. Now if I've somehow switched that part of my brain off, aren't I missing a lot?
Don't get me wrong - I'm SO looking forward to seeing Michael, but my brain won't let me think about it. Won't let me daydream about it. Maybe some of that is good - it forces me to live in the present instead of planning for the future (which is my speciality, or used to be). I don't know. Good or bad - it was a bit of an aha moment, so I thought I'd share it.
By the way - talked to the endocrinologists office yesterday - his little games yielded only normal results. It was worth a shot. My TSH was 1.47 - which is good. I probably won't be blogging much for awhile since I'll be away.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
April Showers
There are some days when I just know that I couldn't handle a baby shower. (The day I ran our of church when there was a baptism would have been one of them). But today I was feeling good. It was my friend Lauren's baby shower. She has always been a wonderful friend and I know she follows this blog religiously. She has been incredibly supportive through all this IF crap. I am totally excited for her and have seen her throughout her pregnancy. It hasn't been a problem for me at all. Today, when I walked in and saw her, I started to tear up. Not for myself at all. But because she looked so darn cute and pregnant and happy. I was tearing up for HER. Not me. I think that might qualify as progress.
Of course, the one woman in the room with a baby - 5 weeks old, was sitting next to me. With the baby. Surprisingly, I was just fine with that too. Like I said - it was a good day! When she asked me if I could watch him while she went to the bathroom, I joked that I might run off with him. Luckily she didn't know I was only partially kidding. Probably not good for the infertile woman to make baby-stealing jokes at a shower.
Anyway, it was a lovely shower. And it was nice to be able to honest-to-God be happy for someone else without constantly thinking about yours truly. More progress.
Congratulations, Lauren!
As a note to my current and future pregnant friends - I know you don't know what to say. I know you don't want to make me uncomfortable. Please know that I'm happy for you. (Unless you didn't want to be pregnant - then I'm just pissed.) ;-) Just know that I have good and bad days. If I don't come to your baby-centric events, please don't be offended. It's not that I don't care. Sometimes it's just too much for me. Just wanted to put that out there. You know - for the record and stuff.
Of course, the one woman in the room with a baby - 5 weeks old, was sitting next to me. With the baby. Surprisingly, I was just fine with that too. Like I said - it was a good day! When she asked me if I could watch him while she went to the bathroom, I joked that I might run off with him. Luckily she didn't know I was only partially kidding. Probably not good for the infertile woman to make baby-stealing jokes at a shower.
Anyway, it was a lovely shower. And it was nice to be able to honest-to-God be happy for someone else without constantly thinking about yours truly. More progress.
Congratulations, Lauren!
As a note to my current and future pregnant friends - I know you don't know what to say. I know you don't want to make me uncomfortable. Please know that I'm happy for you. (Unless you didn't want to be pregnant - then I'm just pissed.) ;-) Just know that I have good and bad days. If I don't come to your baby-centric events, please don't be offended. It's not that I don't care. Sometimes it's just too much for me. Just wanted to put that out there. You know - for the record and stuff.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
11 Vials of Blood & a Steroid Injection Later...
Not what I expected.
I kind of forgot I had a follow-up with the endocrinologist about my thyroid. He told me more bad neck jokes. I actually really like him - his attitude is "why take everything so seriously? It isn't going to help." Good philosophy.
Although it's fine, he isn't thrilled with my TSH level, so if it's still the same (around 2.7) after today's bloodwork, he said he'd up my synthroid dosage. He said I probably didn't need the autoimmune antibody test - that if I had any issues in that department, my eggs wouldn't have fertilized. He did, however, have another test he wanted to do. He asked if I had an hour to "let him play". I took the morning off of work, so I was game. Little did I know...
11 vials of blood and an injection of cortisol later...
He explained what he was testing for, but I really should have written it down. Or brought my step-mom, the medical junkie with me. Because I don't completely remember. I know it was a test of my adrenal glands. And that if my adrenal glands aren't functioning properly, it could be either a cause or symptom of my hypothyroidism and also have an impact on my fertility. He took my blood and then gave me a shot of cortisol and tested my blood again at 30 and 60 minute increments. I should have the results next week.
The good news is that I weighed 5 lbs less than when I was there in December. Oh, and my blood pressure was so low that I should probably be in a coma. Something like 82 over 53. I've always known I wasn't a morning person.
He also warned me that I'll get pregnant when I stop trying. I'm not holding that piece of helpful advice against him, though. I told him that wasn't likely since Michael was in Alabama. He got a good laugh out of that one. Sometimes, you've just gotta laugh.
I kind of forgot I had a follow-up with the endocrinologist about my thyroid. He told me more bad neck jokes. I actually really like him - his attitude is "why take everything so seriously? It isn't going to help." Good philosophy.
Although it's fine, he isn't thrilled with my TSH level, so if it's still the same (around 2.7) after today's bloodwork, he said he'd up my synthroid dosage. He said I probably didn't need the autoimmune antibody test - that if I had any issues in that department, my eggs wouldn't have fertilized. He did, however, have another test he wanted to do. He asked if I had an hour to "let him play". I took the morning off of work, so I was game. Little did I know...
11 vials of blood and an injection of cortisol later...
He explained what he was testing for, but I really should have written it down. Or brought my step-mom, the medical junkie with me. Because I don't completely remember. I know it was a test of my adrenal glands. And that if my adrenal glands aren't functioning properly, it could be either a cause or symptom of my hypothyroidism and also have an impact on my fertility. He took my blood and then gave me a shot of cortisol and tested my blood again at 30 and 60 minute increments. I should have the results next week.
The good news is that I weighed 5 lbs less than when I was there in December. Oh, and my blood pressure was so low that I should probably be in a coma. Something like 82 over 53. I've always known I wasn't a morning person.
He also warned me that I'll get pregnant when I stop trying. I'm not holding that piece of helpful advice against him, though. I told him that wasn't likely since Michael was in Alabama. He got a good laugh out of that one. Sometimes, you've just gotta laugh.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Plans Usually Make Me Feel Better
We had our follow-up conference call with the doctor this morning. Aside from barely being able to hear him, I think it went okay. Sometimes technology is so not your friend.
The doc isn't ready to give up on me yet. No mention of donor eggs. He does think I have dimished ovarian function - which translates to - not many good eggs left. Which I suspected given my response in these last 2 IVF cycles. Anyway, the basic upshot is that my first IVF cycle looked better, so we are going back to a version of that protocol. They'll tweak the meds to get my ovaries to respond better. For those of you "lucky" enough to be in the know about all this - they think I was oversuppressed last time, so they won't put me on birth control, but will put me on a higher dose of Lupron and then a higher dose of stims to counteract the suppression for a longer period of time.
He did give me stats (you know I'm a total geek for data). He said that looking at my situation and the data, there's a roughly 40% chance the 3rd IVF will work. (Michael - did I hear that percentage right? I just realized that "forty" sounds a lot like "fourteen"...) He also said based on how many embryos we wound up with, we would need to have a discussion about putting back more than 2 embryos. I'm still in disbelief that he thinks we'll seriously have more than 2 embryos period, so I haven't let my mind go in the triplets direction. Gulp.
Moving on - I asked about what I could do to improve my egg quality. His response was quite telling. He said something along the lines of - I know you'd like for this to be in your control, but it really isn't. Hello? How have I not learned that lesson yet. Someone smack me. He said we're already doing the things that could impact egg quality - prenatals, well-balanced diet, exercise.
So there we are. I'm not sure that we learned anything new. Michael pointed out that we did learn that the doc has a game plan. I don't know why that didn't make me feel better. Plans usually make me feel better. The 40% also should have made me feel better, but it didn't. I feel like if we have to go back to the first cycle protocol and that didn't work, why will this? But that's just cynical me talking.
I guess I'm glad that the doc still has faith in my ovaries. If he does, I guess I should too. I think I was just so surprised - as I had already decided we were having the donor egg discussion today. I think there is some other testing I want him to run, but I need to do some more research on it. I mentioned the test for autoimmune antibodies (which could cause my body to reject the embryos) and he said he'd run it if I insisted, but he thought karyotyping was more important if we wanted to do more testing. (Karyotyping is where they look for genetic abnormalities and they usually only do it after recurrent losses.) I think he'll order whatever tests I want, so I just need to figure it out and do due dilligence on the research.
The doc isn't ready to give up on me yet. No mention of donor eggs. He does think I have dimished ovarian function - which translates to - not many good eggs left. Which I suspected given my response in these last 2 IVF cycles. Anyway, the basic upshot is that my first IVF cycle looked better, so we are going back to a version of that protocol. They'll tweak the meds to get my ovaries to respond better. For those of you "lucky" enough to be in the know about all this - they think I was oversuppressed last time, so they won't put me on birth control, but will put me on a higher dose of Lupron and then a higher dose of stims to counteract the suppression for a longer period of time.
He did give me stats (you know I'm a total geek for data). He said that looking at my situation and the data, there's a roughly 40% chance the 3rd IVF will work. (Michael - did I hear that percentage right? I just realized that "forty" sounds a lot like "fourteen"...) He also said based on how many embryos we wound up with, we would need to have a discussion about putting back more than 2 embryos. I'm still in disbelief that he thinks we'll seriously have more than 2 embryos period, so I haven't let my mind go in the triplets direction. Gulp.
Moving on - I asked about what I could do to improve my egg quality. His response was quite telling. He said something along the lines of - I know you'd like for this to be in your control, but it really isn't. Hello? How have I not learned that lesson yet. Someone smack me. He said we're already doing the things that could impact egg quality - prenatals, well-balanced diet, exercise.
So there we are. I'm not sure that we learned anything new. Michael pointed out that we did learn that the doc has a game plan. I don't know why that didn't make me feel better. Plans usually make me feel better. The 40% also should have made me feel better, but it didn't. I feel like if we have to go back to the first cycle protocol and that didn't work, why will this? But that's just cynical me talking.
I guess I'm glad that the doc still has faith in my ovaries. If he does, I guess I should too. I think I was just so surprised - as I had already decided we were having the donor egg discussion today. I think there is some other testing I want him to run, but I need to do some more research on it. I mentioned the test for autoimmune antibodies (which could cause my body to reject the embryos) and he said he'd run it if I insisted, but he thought karyotyping was more important if we wanted to do more testing. (Karyotyping is where they look for genetic abnormalities and they usually only do it after recurrent losses.) I think he'll order whatever tests I want, so I just need to figure it out and do due dilligence on the research.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I'm Okay
I usually only post when I have good news, or not-so-good news. Well, I have neither right now. I just didn't want to leave it on that bad news post. Too depressing.
Things are actually good. The first day of my period is always bad - even before we started trying to have a baby. I cry at the drop of a hat normally, let alone getting the news that our IVF cycle failed. So I'm okay. Thank you all for all the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, e-mails, and just the general love.
I had a good weekend - beautiful weather, a couple of hikes with the mutt, a girly day with my sister, Ash (including yoga and a great new haircut), a party, and a get together of the DC Stirrup Queens. No wonder I didn't get the laundry done!
Tomorrow is our follow-up call with the doc. I am curious as to what he will say. My money is on the donor egg discussion. Seriously, all signs point to me having crappy eggs. He's never said anything like that, but every issue we've had can be attributed to bad eggs. We'll see. We won't do our last IVF cycle until either August or November, based on the schedule situation. So, we'll see how we feel this summer and then decide when to do it. Honestly, I am so happy to not be on hormones, I'm not sure what to do with myself.
More tomorrow...
Things are actually good. The first day of my period is always bad - even before we started trying to have a baby. I cry at the drop of a hat normally, let alone getting the news that our IVF cycle failed. So I'm okay. Thank you all for all the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, e-mails, and just the general love.
I had a good weekend - beautiful weather, a couple of hikes with the mutt, a girly day with my sister, Ash (including yoga and a great new haircut), a party, and a get together of the DC Stirrup Queens. No wonder I didn't get the laundry done!
Tomorrow is our follow-up call with the doc. I am curious as to what he will say. My money is on the donor egg discussion. Seriously, all signs point to me having crappy eggs. He's never said anything like that, but every issue we've had can be attributed to bad eggs. We'll see. We won't do our last IVF cycle until either August or November, based on the schedule situation. So, we'll see how we feel this summer and then decide when to do it. Honestly, I am so happy to not be on hormones, I'm not sure what to do with myself.
More tomorrow...
Monday, April 7, 2008
One Last Shot
I can't believe we are here. We have one last chance to have a baby. One.
How did we get to this point? How has science NOT been able to help us? How have all of our prayers not worked? I don't understand. I thought we just needed a little help. When we were doing IUI's, at least there was IVF as a future option. Then when IVF #1 didn't work, at least we had 2 more go's at it. Now here we are. Staring at the end of the road. How did that happen?
I went in a day early for the pregnancy test. The doctor agreed with me yesterday that there was no sense in prolonging my misery by continuing to require me to take these hormones while my body was raging against them - but he couldn't tell me to stop without confirmation that I was not, in fact pregnant. Well, we got that confirmation today. Along with my full-blown period. Looks like I can stop those meds now.
I know there's nothing fair about infertility. But I can't help but think about all the people who don't even WANT kids and get to have them, much less the people who mistreat them. I would be a good mom. Why can't I be? I just want a freakin' reason. That's all. (Actually, that's not all - I want a child.)
Why can't they figure out what is wrong with me? I refuse to believe that Michael and I are not meant to be parents. I don't accept that. I won't. I'm just trying to find a way to make sense of all this - and there just isn't one. I've done everything right. I've followed all of the rules. Growing up, you learn that if you work hard and play by the rules, you will succeed. Think about all the little sayings - "you can do anything you set your mind to", "the little engine that could", "can't is a 4-letter word", etc. Well, setting my mind to have a child and "thinking I can" weren't exactly effective. And don't get me started on J. Lo and her "I just wanted it that badly" comment. Blech. Like those of us who can't have kids DON'T want it that badly?! I'm not even going there.
Anyway - sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I really just wanted to tell you the news (even though we all wanted it to be different), and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. It does help me through this to know that so many people are pulling for us. (And it's a nice little added confirmation that we're not total nutjobs when someone else says we'd make great parents - so thank you for that too.)
How did we get to this point? How has science NOT been able to help us? How have all of our prayers not worked? I don't understand. I thought we just needed a little help. When we were doing IUI's, at least there was IVF as a future option. Then when IVF #1 didn't work, at least we had 2 more go's at it. Now here we are. Staring at the end of the road. How did that happen?
I went in a day early for the pregnancy test. The doctor agreed with me yesterday that there was no sense in prolonging my misery by continuing to require me to take these hormones while my body was raging against them - but he couldn't tell me to stop without confirmation that I was not, in fact pregnant. Well, we got that confirmation today. Along with my full-blown period. Looks like I can stop those meds now.
I know there's nothing fair about infertility. But I can't help but think about all the people who don't even WANT kids and get to have them, much less the people who mistreat them. I would be a good mom. Why can't I be? I just want a freakin' reason. That's all. (Actually, that's not all - I want a child.)
Why can't they figure out what is wrong with me? I refuse to believe that Michael and I are not meant to be parents. I don't accept that. I won't. I'm just trying to find a way to make sense of all this - and there just isn't one. I've done everything right. I've followed all of the rules. Growing up, you learn that if you work hard and play by the rules, you will succeed. Think about all the little sayings - "you can do anything you set your mind to", "the little engine that could", "can't is a 4-letter word", etc. Well, setting my mind to have a child and "thinking I can" weren't exactly effective. And don't get me started on J. Lo and her "I just wanted it that badly" comment. Blech. Like those of us who can't have kids DON'T want it that badly?! I'm not even going there.
Anyway - sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I really just wanted to tell you the news (even though we all wanted it to be different), and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. It does help me through this to know that so many people are pulling for us. (And it's a nice little added confirmation that we're not total nutjobs when someone else says we'd make great parents - so thank you for that too.)
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I'm Just Sad
So - I'm thinking it might be over before the official word on the 8th. I'm fairly certain that starting my period is a pretty good indicator that I'm not pregnant. (Ya think?) The uterus won the battle after calling in for reinforcements from Major Spotting. Poor progesterone didn't have a chance.
The cramps got a little better on Saturday, but today, I'm back in the fetal position with the heating pad. I thought yoga might help. I was wrong.
I just hate that I have to suffer like this until my stupid blood test on Tuesday. I'm tempted to just stop the progesterone gel and bring on my full period and be done with it. But there's this little "what if" in me. On Friday, Mom told me that she had the worst cramping ever right before she found out she was pregnant with me. Cindy (my step-mom) told me that she had cramping and spotting and thought she was out right before she found out she was pregnant with my brother. But if I'm totally honest with myself, this is more than spotting. Deep down I know I'm out, I just can't quite bring myself to do anything about it. Not sure whether you'd call that hope or denial.
I'm also super weepy today (another sign of my lovely period). I had to leave church, but I think I was a little more graceful than when I bolted out of Sunday School in Alabama. I looked at the bulletin and saw "Sacrament of Baptism" and the tears just started rolling down my face. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to control myself so I went to the bathroom and wept. I am usually FINE with baptisms. There was one just last week and I oooh'd and ahhhhh'd over the cute little bundle in the long white dress with everyone else. Today, the mere word "baptism" sent me running. I came back once it was over (with tissues, just in case) and got the "you okay?" look from my parents - which nearly sent me over the edge again. And then, from the back of the church, the adorable cooing and fussing from an infant. The sound that absolutely breaks my heart. I must admit, I had some not-so-Christian thoughts just then that went something like, "For the love of God - please get that effing baby OUT OF HERE". I know - pretty bad. But I was trying with all my might to hold it together.
My cramps hurt and I am just sad. I am sad that I can't have a baby. I am sad that my husband is 800 miles away. I am sad that I really might have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother.
The cramps got a little better on Saturday, but today, I'm back in the fetal position with the heating pad. I thought yoga might help. I was wrong.
I just hate that I have to suffer like this until my stupid blood test on Tuesday. I'm tempted to just stop the progesterone gel and bring on my full period and be done with it. But there's this little "what if" in me. On Friday, Mom told me that she had the worst cramping ever right before she found out she was pregnant with me. Cindy (my step-mom) told me that she had cramping and spotting and thought she was out right before she found out she was pregnant with my brother. But if I'm totally honest with myself, this is more than spotting. Deep down I know I'm out, I just can't quite bring myself to do anything about it. Not sure whether you'd call that hope or denial.
I'm also super weepy today (another sign of my lovely period). I had to leave church, but I think I was a little more graceful than when I bolted out of Sunday School in Alabama. I looked at the bulletin and saw "Sacrament of Baptism" and the tears just started rolling down my face. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to control myself so I went to the bathroom and wept. I am usually FINE with baptisms. There was one just last week and I oooh'd and ahhhhh'd over the cute little bundle in the long white dress with everyone else. Today, the mere word "baptism" sent me running. I came back once it was over (with tissues, just in case) and got the "you okay?" look from my parents - which nearly sent me over the edge again. And then, from the back of the church, the adorable cooing and fussing from an infant. The sound that absolutely breaks my heart. I must admit, I had some not-so-Christian thoughts just then that went something like, "For the love of God - please get that effing baby OUT OF HERE". I know - pretty bad. But I was trying with all my might to hold it together.
My cramps hurt and I am just sad. I am sad that I can't have a baby. I am sad that my husband is 800 miles away. I am sad that I really might have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother.
Friday, April 4, 2008
My Uterus Has Declared War
Wow. My uterus and the progesterone are having a fight. No - an all out war. My uterus clearly wants my period to start. (We are on Day 28 and that poor girl is used to starting somewhere between Day 21-24). The progesterone is designed to specifically STOP my period from coming. So far the progesterone is winning, but my uterus sure is putting up one hell of a fight.
To say I have cramps is quite the understatement. I was wincing in a meeting this afternoon. I usually have cramps for about the hour or 2 when my period is starting - and that's it. They're tolerable - and I know they won't last long. Since my period is not starting (thank you progesterone), I sure hope this doesn't last until the pregnancy test on Tuesday. Because my usual remedies for cramps are off limits right now (namely advil and red wine).
The good news is that I am out of my fog of depression. Really, I think it's progress that I am able to identify it now. And I knew it was because of the drugs this time. I think I've been depressed before, but I didn't know it. Now I know what it's like and I think that's key.
So my head is okay - but my mid-section is in great turmoil. I'm really thinking that cramps this bad count me out, but it's not over until I get the official word on the 8th. Let's hope my uterus surrenders before then.
To say I have cramps is quite the understatement. I was wincing in a meeting this afternoon. I usually have cramps for about the hour or 2 when my period is starting - and that's it. They're tolerable - and I know they won't last long. Since my period is not starting (thank you progesterone), I sure hope this doesn't last until the pregnancy test on Tuesday. Because my usual remedies for cramps are off limits right now (namely advil and red wine).
The good news is that I am out of my fog of depression. Really, I think it's progress that I am able to identify it now. And I knew it was because of the drugs this time. I think I've been depressed before, but I didn't know it. Now I know what it's like and I think that's key.
So my head is okay - but my mid-section is in great turmoil. I'm really thinking that cramps this bad count me out, but it's not over until I get the official word on the 8th. Let's hope my uterus surrenders before then.
Monday, March 31, 2008
All Over the Place
I've started about 6 different posts in my head - so this might be a little all over the place.
Yesterday afternoon, I met 2 girls from high school (who I probably haven't seen in just as long) for coffee. It was so interesting to hear about their lives and the paths that they have been on. We all have different stuff - but we all definitely have baggage. They were both very open about their lives, so you know I was too. One of the girls has an older brother who was one of the cool, popular guys in high school. After I told them about doing our second IVF, she told me that he and his wife were also having problems. I was shocked - and I don't know why. What - did I think the cool kids couldn't possibly suffer from IF?! How ridiculous. If I have some sort of preconceived notion, imagine what those who don't struggle with IF must think. Wow. I had to snap myself out it.
*******************
I've been depressed the past few days. I finally realized what it was today when I nearly couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. (Of course, the dreary weather didn't help). I know it's the progesterone. I'm trying to take good care of myself, but it doesn't help that I can't exercise. That is usually my outlet. I'm constantly exhausted and have to force myself to do anything. Let's hope this passes once the progesterone is done. If not, I'll be back on the hunt for a therapist. (I actually might do that anyway...)
Despite this funk, I actually am doing okay in this two-week wait. Unlike most people, I LIKE the limbo time. I know, I'm crazy. I'm not counting down the days until April 8th. I'm dreading April 8th. Right now, I'm "pregnant until proven otherwise". I'm enjoying that. I don't want to be proven otherwise. And even if I AM pregnant, I'll have a whole new set of things to worry about with that result. So, I'm liking this in-between stage. If that makes any sense at all.
Who knows. Maybe I'm depressed AND crazy. Now there's a combo. Maybe I should warn my poor co-workers...
****************
Saturday night, I volunteered at the shelter. Nothing like working at a domestic violence shelter to put your own problems in perspective. I obviously can't share anything specific about these womens' stories, but there was a situation involving the loss of a child. I wept. Truly wept for this woman. Which is why this is my volunteer job and not my actual job. I couldn't handle that on a daily basis to pay my mortgage. My actual job still involves incredibly sad stories, but I'm more removed as I don't work directly with the families. For me, that makes a difference.
****************
I haven't done my Unsung Lullabies posts. I'm finding it hard to read that book right now. Which is probably exactly when I NEED to be reading it.
****************
So - some of you may have noticed a date listed above. This time, I put it out there. My pregnancy test is on April 8th. Please don't call me to ask the results. I promise I will post here as soon as I am able. Thanks.
Yesterday afternoon, I met 2 girls from high school (who I probably haven't seen in just as long) for coffee. It was so interesting to hear about their lives and the paths that they have been on. We all have different stuff - but we all definitely have baggage. They were both very open about their lives, so you know I was too. One of the girls has an older brother who was one of the cool, popular guys in high school. After I told them about doing our second IVF, she told me that he and his wife were also having problems. I was shocked - and I don't know why. What - did I think the cool kids couldn't possibly suffer from IF?! How ridiculous. If I have some sort of preconceived notion, imagine what those who don't struggle with IF must think. Wow. I had to snap myself out it.
*******************
I've been depressed the past few days. I finally realized what it was today when I nearly couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. (Of course, the dreary weather didn't help). I know it's the progesterone. I'm trying to take good care of myself, but it doesn't help that I can't exercise. That is usually my outlet. I'm constantly exhausted and have to force myself to do anything. Let's hope this passes once the progesterone is done. If not, I'll be back on the hunt for a therapist. (I actually might do that anyway...)
Despite this funk, I actually am doing okay in this two-week wait. Unlike most people, I LIKE the limbo time. I know, I'm crazy. I'm not counting down the days until April 8th. I'm dreading April 8th. Right now, I'm "pregnant until proven otherwise". I'm enjoying that. I don't want to be proven otherwise. And even if I AM pregnant, I'll have a whole new set of things to worry about with that result. So, I'm liking this in-between stage. If that makes any sense at all.
Who knows. Maybe I'm depressed AND crazy. Now there's a combo. Maybe I should warn my poor co-workers...
****************
Saturday night, I volunteered at the shelter. Nothing like working at a domestic violence shelter to put your own problems in perspective. I obviously can't share anything specific about these womens' stories, but there was a situation involving the loss of a child. I wept. Truly wept for this woman. Which is why this is my volunteer job and not my actual job. I couldn't handle that on a daily basis to pay my mortgage. My actual job still involves incredibly sad stories, but I'm more removed as I don't work directly with the families. For me, that makes a difference.
****************
I haven't done my Unsung Lullabies posts. I'm finding it hard to read that book right now. Which is probably exactly when I NEED to be reading it.
****************
So - some of you may have noticed a date listed above. This time, I put it out there. My pregnancy test is on April 8th. Please don't call me to ask the results. I promise I will post here as soon as I am able. Thanks.
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