One Last Shot

I can't believe we are here. We have one last chance to have a baby. One.

How did we get to this point? How has science NOT been able to help us? How have all of our prayers not worked? I don't understand. I thought we just needed a little help. When we were doing IUI's, at least there was IVF as a future option. Then when IVF #1 didn't work, at least we had 2 more go's at it. Now here we are. Staring at the end of the road. How did that happen?

I went in a day early for the pregnancy test. The doctor agreed with me yesterday that there was no sense in prolonging my misery by continuing to require me to take these hormones while my body was raging against them - but he couldn't tell me to stop without confirmation that I was not, in fact pregnant. Well, we got that confirmation today. Along with my full-blown period. Looks like I can stop those meds now.

I know there's nothing fair about infertility. But I can't help but think about all the people who don't even WANT kids and get to have them, much less the people who mistreat them. I would be a good mom. Why can't I be? I just want a freakin' reason. That's all. (Actually, that's not all - I want a child.)

Why can't they figure out what is wrong with me? I refuse to believe that Michael and I are not meant to be parents. I don't accept that. I won't. I'm just trying to find a way to make sense of all this - and there just isn't one. I've done everything right. I've followed all of the rules. Growing up, you learn that if you work hard and play by the rules, you will succeed. Think about all the little sayings - "you can do anything you set your mind to", "the little engine that could", "can't is a 4-letter word", etc. Well, setting my mind to have a child and "thinking I can" weren't exactly effective. And don't get me started on J. Lo and her "I just wanted it that badly" comment. Blech. Like those of us who can't have kids DON'T want it that badly?! I'm not even going there.

Anyway - sorry this turned into a bit of a rant. I really just wanted to tell you the news (even though we all wanted it to be different), and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. It does help me through this to know that so many people are pulling for us. (And it's a nice little added confirmation that we're not total nutjobs when someone else says we'd make great parents - so thank you for that too.)