So - I'm thinking it might be over before the official word on the 8th. I'm fairly certain that starting my period is a pretty good indicator that I'm not pregnant. (Ya think?) The uterus won the battle after calling in for reinforcements from Major Spotting. Poor progesterone didn't have a chance.
The cramps got a little better on Saturday, but today, I'm back in the fetal position with the heating pad. I thought yoga might help. I was wrong.
I just hate that I have to suffer like this until my stupid blood test on Tuesday. I'm tempted to just stop the progesterone gel and bring on my full period and be done with it. But there's this little "what if" in me. On Friday, Mom told me that she had the worst cramping ever right before she found out she was pregnant with me. Cindy (my step-mom) told me that she had cramping and spotting and thought she was out right before she found out she was pregnant with my brother. But if I'm totally honest with myself, this is more than spotting. Deep down I know I'm out, I just can't quite bring myself to do anything about it. Not sure whether you'd call that hope or denial.
I'm also super weepy today (another sign of my lovely period). I had to leave church, but I think I was a little more graceful than when I bolted out of Sunday School in Alabama. I looked at the bulletin and saw "Sacrament of Baptism" and the tears just started rolling down my face. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to control myself so I went to the bathroom and wept. I am usually FINE with baptisms. There was one just last week and I oooh'd and ahhhhh'd over the cute little bundle in the long white dress with everyone else. Today, the mere word "baptism" sent me running. I came back once it was over (with tissues, just in case) and got the "you okay?" look from my parents - which nearly sent me over the edge again. And then, from the back of the church, the adorable cooing and fussing from an infant. The sound that absolutely breaks my heart. I must admit, I had some not-so-Christian thoughts just then that went something like, "For the love of God - please get that effing baby OUT OF HERE". I know - pretty bad. But I was trying with all my might to hold it together.
My cramps hurt and I am just sad. I am sad that I can't have a baby. I am sad that my husband is 800 miles away. I am sad that I really might have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a mother.
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
3 comments:
I'm so sorry Allison. I hope you're like your mom and step-mom and this is just implantation bleeding. I've been there and I know how it feels to have hope battle with reality. (((HUGS))) I did my PIO shots for 3 extra days during IVF#1 because I thought "what if". Tha baptism was tough timing. Don't be too hard on yourself. As for never being a mother, it's hard to say but I believe we can all be mothers. It just may not be in the way and time frame in which we want. More (((HUGS))).
Allison - This is the first time I have ever visited your blog. I'm not sure why I haven't visited before. I guess part of me thought by reading it I was diving into part of your life that was very private. But now I realize how very candid you have been with your readers and yourself. Thank you for letting us in.
It sounds like today was especailly painful and hard. My thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs are with you as you approach April 8th. I love you.
Tammy Wincup
Allison, I am so sorry. Sounds like a crap day. Take care of yourself. i hope tomorrow is here in a flash and you can move on. *hugs*
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