Anticipation

I'm leaving to go see Michael in a few hours. I'm excited, but I realized something about myself. An unexpected way that all this infertility crap has changed me.

I can't seem to look forward to anything.

When I would try to think about the trip and how great it would be to see Michael again, my mind wouldn't let me go there. It's like I don't want to anticipate anything good because I don't want to be let down. I guess 45 times of getting your hopes up only to have them shattered over and over takes it's toll in other facets of your life as well. I just didn't think that I had let it.

Instead, I find myself thinking of all the things that could go wrong. A missed flight, a car accident, etc. Now there's some positive thinking for ya! Oy.

I kind of feel cheated. Half of the fun of some things are the anticipation - going on vacation, getting ready to see old friends, etc. Now if I've somehow switched that part of my brain off, aren't I missing a lot?

Don't get me wrong - I'm SO looking forward to seeing Michael, but my brain won't let me think about it. Won't let me daydream about it. Maybe some of that is good - it forces me to live in the present instead of planning for the future (which is my speciality, or used to be). I don't know. Good or bad - it was a bit of an aha moment, so I thought I'd share it.

By the way - talked to the endocrinologists office yesterday - his little games yielded only normal results. It was worth a shot. My TSH was 1.47 - which is good. I probably won't be blogging much for awhile since I'll be away.