Introducing...

Harper Allison Rath (my niece)
Born 3/12/09 at 11:33 AM
7 lbs, 4 oz
20 1/2 inches long



Okay - so I know I'm biased and all, but isn't she the most perfect little thing you have ever seen?! I am just in awe of her.

Everything went well. Michael and I got to the hospital right as Ashley was calling to see if I wanted to come up to say hi before the real action started (and to bring her husband some coffee). About a minute later, she called back and said - forget the coffee, just get here! She was progressing rapidly and the nurse had just told her she was going to have to start pushing. So when I raced into the room, we both just started crying. I was (and still am) just so proud of her. My baby sister!

Anyway, once it started, Harper made her arrival very quickly. Once everyone was cleaned up, we all got to go in and meet her for the first time (and find out her name!). When my sister said her middle name, I thought the wind had been knocked out of me. I am so honored and flattered and humbled. I have a lot to live up to now.

As you can imagine, it was an emotional day. But largely, and rather surprisingly since I tend to be a bit of a narcissist, I was not thinking about myself and our "situation". (Well, other than the name thing. Part of the reason it meant so much to me was that I couldn't help but think - even if I can't have my own kids...) But mostly, I was just so amazed at little Harper, and so impressed with my sister and her husband. Honestly, I was in love. Instantly.

Adding to the emotion are these damn hormones, of course. Which brings us to the follicle report for the day. I had bloodwork and an ultrasound on Saturday and things are still looking good - 5 follicles on the right and 4 on the left. Now if all 9 will only continue growing at the same rate! I go back tomorrow. More news then...

Random (again)

I don't even know how to start this post. I have so many things swirling around in my head, so this might be a little disjointed. (What else is new, right?!) This is what happens when I don't post often enough.

First, a few random stories...

Last week, I ran into a woman who used to work in a cubicle near me. She had just had her first baby back when we started trying and I remember thinking, "oh good, I'll have someone at work to talk to about pregnancy, etc.". She moved to a different office and I rarely saw her. At some point, I remember hearing she had her second. You know how time passes, but you somehow expect everyone to stay the same? I ran into her in the garage at work last week with her kids. I stopped short and caught my breath. Her children aren't even BABIES anymore. One is entering kindergarten and the other is a toddler. It just hit me how much time has passed since we first started trying. You'd think I'd know that and be used to getting lapped - but somehow a living, breathing GROWING human child makes it all too real. Kindergarten? Really? Wow.

Then, I was talking to a woman at the gym. We've talked before; I've told her about IF. We were talking about my sister having her baby any day now. Then she said the thing that absolutely pierced my heart. "A grandchild is the absolute best gift you could ever give your parents." O.U.C.H. As much as I want children for myself, the thought of disappointing our parents cuts me to the quick. (Logically, I know our parents aren't "disappointed" in us because of IF, and that they want nothing more than for us to be happy. My brain knows these things, but somehow, my heart doesn't quite trust it.) I was hurt and upset at first, but then I realized 2 things - (1) her comment was more about her (she has 2 girls in their mid-20's and I know she's hoping for grandkids) and (2) I WILL get to see my parents as grandparents. This week, in fact! It doesn't really matter who has the grandkids - I still get to be a part of it and see them in that different role. And that's oddly comforting.

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As I mentioned, my sister is due this week. Since I'm not sure how much (or not) she wants me to post about that here, I'll be brief. I know Ashley was hoping she'd deliver early, but it looks like that baby is hanging in there as long as possible. I couldn't be more excited to meet my niece! Seriously, it's like I'm boiling over with anticipation. Somehow, my sister having a baby doesn't hurt nearly as badly as you'd expect (or as I thought it might). Whereas other people are just having babies, my sister is having my niece. And that makes it different. I'm a part of it. Sounds nutty, I know, but somehow it changes things.

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Anyway, since this blog IS called The Follicle Report, I guess I should update on my first appointment after finishing up the birth control pills (which I'm totally blaming for this annoying 5 lbs I seemed to have inexplicably picked up). I had an ultrasound & bloodwork on Sunday. Everything looked good (including some antral follicles waiting in the wings), so I'll start stims on Wednesday and go back for more monitoring on Saturday, 3/14 to see how we're doing. Let's hope we're doing well!

No PIO

The pharmacy has been stalking me. Seriously - I get at least 3 calls from them every other day. Despite the fact that I've called them back and told them I have to talk to my nurse first because I have some questions about the meds. BUT MA'AM YOUR MEDS ARE READY NOW. Oy.

So I finally talked with my nurse and got the meds thing figured out. I think. She said they no longer do the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections for IVF - which are also known as the giant needle butt shots. They just use the suppositories instead. I questioned that because before they told me that there were significantly better success rates with the PIO. She said they have new research that shows no difference in the two and switched over for everyone on February 1.

I was still concerned because every time I've been on the suppositories, I've started my period a few days before the pregnancy test. But the PIO seems to stave it off longer, so I was thinking that I might be absorbing more progesterone through the shots. I asked her if we could monitor it through my cycle and she said no - they only do that when there's been a problem before.

Ummm... me not being pregnant after this many assisted cycles isn't a "problem"? She put me on hold and then appeased the crazy lady by saying they'd test both my estrogen and progesterone levels on day 3 or 4 after egg retrieval to make sure everything looked good. Now, was that so hard?

So March 8th is the date for my evaluation (bloodwork & ultrasound) to make sure everything looks ready to start up again. Of course, that is the date of the 10K I wanted to do. But, I also just found out the 10K is just 5 laps around a park - which doesn't sound all that fun to me. Plus, I've already done a 10K in my training. I've got my sights on the St. Patrick's Day 8K now instead. I wonder if you have to dress like a leprechaun?

It's Official

BFN.

Now I'm off to the store to buy some Sudafed so that I can actually breathe. I've gotten some nasty cold and haven't taken anything "just in case".

Well, now I don't have to worry about "just in case" anymore. Bring on the Sudafed, red wine and running. (Not all at the same time though...) ;-)

I start birth control pills on Sunday and then I will likely start stims again on March 8th. It seems so close! Nothing like picking yourself up, dusting off and jumping back on the roller coaster.

Here we go!

At Least I Don't Have to Wait

Full-fledged period started last night.

But I'm really okay. The nurse told me to continue the progesterone, "just in case". But who are we kidding? We knew this was a long shot.

At least I don't have to wait for the phone call from the nurse tomorrow afternoon. Well, I do, but at least I know what she will tell me.

One more IVF to go.

Thirty-Six

I got absolutely PERFECT weather for my birthday. What an awesome gift! Michael was down for the count with a cold, so Uno and I set out on our own for a long hike in the woods to take full advantage of the day. It was awesome! Of course, Uno had to sniff every leaf on the ground, so it was slow going. At one point, we sat on a stump and just watched clouds go by and felt the sun beat down on us. (That is, until a big black standard poodle named Shaq (hilarious) came by and Uno had to prove how tough she was.) Good times.

Saturday night, we had the family party - which was fun as always - with homemade pizza and carrot cake. YUM! It was good to hang out with the fam. So, all in all - a very good weekend.

I would have liked for it to stay the weekend. Today I woke up to cramps. Of course, it is Day 24 - my usual day to get my period. I'm exhausted, bloated, and my lower back hurts. Of course, with the progesterone, it will remain this way until Friday when I get my test results. Sure feels like delaying the inevitable... But, even if it is, at least we have another chance. That is keeping me hopeful!

A Diagnosis is Good, Right?

I talked with my doctor today. After discussing our case with the panel, the consensus seems to be to go back to the protocol of IVF #2 next time. Which doesn't thrill me, as we only got 5 eggs and the embryos were very fragmented (i.e. not good). But, they all agreed that doing another cycle with the Lupron would result in similar results to this time (a measly 3 follicles).

In IVF #2, while I had fewer eggs and not-so-great embryo development, I had a lot more follicles. The protocol was birth control pills for 21 days, then evaluation and stims + Ganirelix. They are hoping that the higher stims this time minus the Lupron plus the Ganirelix will be the formula for success. This last cycle, I was on the highest dosage of stims they allow, so it isn't like they can up it any.

Which brings me to the title of this post. This is the first time I have been able to pin my doctor down on what the heck is wrong with me. He said it. Definitively. "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" There. A diagnosis. Something other than "Unexplained Infertility". I should be happy, right?

I always just figured a diagnosis would come with a way to fix it. But, I guess it is of some comfort to know what the problem is, even if we don't know what caused it or that there isn't any way to fix it. It is what it is, and I'd rather know than remain in the dark. At least I keep telling myself that.

But I have all these little questions in my head - should my OBGYN have been concerned early on that I was having my period every 3 weeks (for my entire LIFE)? Did that make me use my eggs faster than most women? Did all of those early fertility treatments use up all my eggs in a few foul swoops? If Diminished Ovarian Reserve is my only problem, why the heck didn't one of those early on treatments work - when I actually had some eggs?

But this diagnosis is information we didn't have before. It may not be the only thing wrong with me, but it's something we didn't know before. So, we take it for what it's worth and move on.

I don't know. I'm feeling old and dried up and crotchety. It's a good thing I have yoga tonight. I'd really rather go running (did I actually just say that?), but yoga will have to do.

Progesterone Head

I did something so supremely stupid yesterday that Michael said I had to confess it here.

(I'm blaming the progesterone.)

We went grocery shopping. I'm pretty used to shopping by myself, so it's a bit different when you are tag-teaming. Michael was pushing the cart and I was adding to it. We were nearing the end of our list and we still hadn't found one thing we were looking for. So, Michael went to Customer Service to ask about it (cheesecloth is apparently with pots & pans - "kitchen implements" for future reference), leaving me with the cart to collect the remaining items we needed.

I'm not sure what happened next, but my brain apparently stopped working. I went to get some cans of soup and that aisle was crazy crowded, so I parked the cart and went on my soup-quest. I wound up with 4 cans of soup and I was trying to juggle those and get the other few items and I realized I didn't have enough hands, so I went to get a basket from one of the checkout lanes since Michael had the cart. Yep, I forgot from about 30 seconds beforehand when I PARKED THE CART.

So Michael finds me wandering around looking for him with a basket of soup cans.

Me: Hey - where's the cart?!
Him: Uhhhh - I was going to ask you the same question...
Me: (incredulous) I never HAD the cart!
Him: Seriously? I left it with you to go ask about this cheesecloth about 5 seconds ago.
Me: (silence, wheels spinning, then...) Oh yeah.

Luckily I DID remember where I left the cart. I guess it's a good thing it didn't have anything like, oh I don't know, A BABY in it. Sheesh.

So, there's my confession. I'd like to think I wouldn't have done that normally, but who knows. I'm just a little foggy these days... (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Superstition

The IUI took a grand total of about 45 seconds, as usual. We had more good sperm this time than we've ever had - 39 million. I just wish my eggs were up to par.

But, nothing we can do about that, so we just hope for the best while still figuring out what to do for the next IVF. The doc is going to call me Tuesday 2/2 after he presents our case to the panel. Even though I didn't go through IVF, I think I'm still going to cut out the high impact exercise until my pregnancy test. Guess I should cut back on the food intake too, huh? If I keep eating like I'm running AND add in the progesterone, I'm sure to balloon up in no time. ;-)

My pregnancy test is on Friday, 2/13. The day before my sister's baby shower. When I was scheduling the test I noticed it was on Friday the 13th and made some comment about it not boding well. The nurse said that didn't apply to me. Oh, how I wish it worked that way...

Converted

It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? Like we changed religions or something.

It's actually not dramatic at all. I am so grateful that my doctor mentioned it early on so that we had a few days to come to terms with it and accept it. Michael and I were both leaning towards converting after the conversation with my doctor yesterday, but thought we were still torn. After re-reading my blog post, it sounded so obvious. What I wanted to do was right there staring me in the face, despite my protesting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words in the comments. And you are right - it would be so much easier if someone could tell you what the right answer is.

I'm looking at it this way - we've been given another chance at IVF. Why wouldn't we take it? Yes, it means I won't know for sure whether or not we'll have children by February 16th. Yes, it means that I'll have to endure another round of shots and hormones. Yes, it means yet another roller coaster when I thought we'd be done. But for another shot (no pun intended) at having a child - all of that is unquestionably worth it.

Now, I'm not totally counting the IUI out. (Okay, honestly? So maybe I am. I figure, if IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching didn't work - the chances of the IUI working are pretty much nill.) I guess there's always a chance since no one seems to have any clue why we can't conceive. (But my uncooperative ovaries are giving me a big ol' hint...)

So we do the trigger shot tonight and then the IUI on Friday. My doctor will present our case to the panel Monday night (2/2/09) and call us Tuesday to talk about the plan for the next IVF. (See? Even he knows the IUI is a long shot...) Even though I'm not getting any younger and my IVF cycles have gotten progressively worse, he still thinks I would do the same, if not better in another cycle. I'm all for the Hail Mary.

P.S. Jamie - I actually DID ask my doctor what he'd do if he were in my shoes today and he said convert. But to answer your question about freezing the eggs - if they did the egg retrieval, that would count as IVF and insurance wouldn't cover it. My doctor seems to think I have a few good ones left. ;-)