I did something so supremely stupid yesterday that Michael said I had to confess it here.
(I'm blaming the progesterone.)
We went grocery shopping. I'm pretty used to shopping by myself, so it's a bit different when you are tag-teaming. Michael was pushing the cart and I was adding to it. We were nearing the end of our list and we still hadn't found one thing we were looking for. So, Michael went to Customer Service to ask about it (cheesecloth is apparently with pots & pans - "kitchen implements" for future reference), leaving me with the cart to collect the remaining items we needed.
I'm not sure what happened next, but my brain apparently stopped working. I went to get some cans of soup and that aisle was crazy crowded, so I parked the cart and went on my soup-quest. I wound up with 4 cans of soup and I was trying to juggle those and get the other few items and I realized I didn't have enough hands, so I went to get a basket from one of the checkout lanes since Michael had the cart. Yep, I forgot from about 30 seconds beforehand when I PARKED THE CART.
So Michael finds me wandering around looking for him with a basket of soup cans.
Me: Hey - where's the cart?!
Him: Uhhhh - I was going to ask you the same question...
Me: (incredulous) I never HAD the cart!
Him: Seriously? I left it with you to go ask about this cheesecloth about 5 seconds ago.
Me: (silence, wheels spinning, then...) Oh yeah.
Luckily I DID remember where I left the cart. I guess it's a good thing it didn't have anything like, oh I don't know, A BABY in it. Sheesh.
So, there's my confession. I'd like to think I wouldn't have done that normally, but who knows. I'm just a little foggy these days... (That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Superstition
The IUI took a grand total of about 45 seconds, as usual. We had more good sperm this time than we've ever had - 39 million. I just wish my eggs were up to par.
But, nothing we can do about that, so we just hope for the best while still figuring out what to do for the next IVF. The doc is going to call me Tuesday 2/2 after he presents our case to the panel. Even though I didn't go through IVF, I think I'm still going to cut out the high impact exercise until my pregnancy test. Guess I should cut back on the food intake too, huh? If I keep eating like I'm running AND add in the progesterone, I'm sure to balloon up in no time. ;-)
My pregnancy test is on Friday, 2/13. The day before my sister's baby shower. When I was scheduling the test I noticed it was on Friday the 13th and made some comment about it not boding well. The nurse said that didn't apply to me. Oh, how I wish it worked that way...
But, nothing we can do about that, so we just hope for the best while still figuring out what to do for the next IVF. The doc is going to call me Tuesday 2/2 after he presents our case to the panel. Even though I didn't go through IVF, I think I'm still going to cut out the high impact exercise until my pregnancy test. Guess I should cut back on the food intake too, huh? If I keep eating like I'm running AND add in the progesterone, I'm sure to balloon up in no time. ;-)
My pregnancy test is on Friday, 2/13. The day before my sister's baby shower. When I was scheduling the test I noticed it was on Friday the 13th and made some comment about it not boding well. The nurse said that didn't apply to me. Oh, how I wish it worked that way...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Converted
It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? Like we changed religions or something.
It's actually not dramatic at all. I am so grateful that my doctor mentioned it early on so that we had a few days to come to terms with it and accept it. Michael and I were both leaning towards converting after the conversation with my doctor yesterday, but thought we were still torn. After re-reading my blog post, it sounded so obvious. What I wanted to do was right there staring me in the face, despite my protesting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words in the comments. And you are right - it would be so much easier if someone could tell you what the right answer is.
I'm looking at it this way - we've been given another chance at IVF. Why wouldn't we take it? Yes, it means I won't know for sure whether or not we'll have children by February 16th. Yes, it means that I'll have to endure another round of shots and hormones. Yes, it means yet another roller coaster when I thought we'd be done. But for another shot (no pun intended) at having a child - all of that is unquestionably worth it.
Now, I'm not totally counting the IUI out. (Okay, honestly? So maybe I am. I figure, if IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching didn't work - the chances of the IUI working are pretty much nill.) I guess there's always a chance since no one seems to have any clue why we can't conceive. (But my uncooperative ovaries are giving me a big ol' hint...)
So we do the trigger shot tonight and then the IUI on Friday. My doctor will present our case to the panel Monday night (2/2/09) and call us Tuesday to talk about the plan for the next IVF. (See? Even he knows the IUI is a long shot...) Even though I'm not getting any younger and my IVF cycles have gotten progressively worse, he still thinks I would do the same, if not better in another cycle. I'm all for the Hail Mary.
P.S. Jamie - I actually DID ask my doctor what he'd do if he were in my shoes today and he said convert. But to answer your question about freezing the eggs - if they did the egg retrieval, that would count as IVF and insurance wouldn't cover it. My doctor seems to think I have a few good ones left. ;-)
It's actually not dramatic at all. I am so grateful that my doctor mentioned it early on so that we had a few days to come to terms with it and accept it. Michael and I were both leaning towards converting after the conversation with my doctor yesterday, but thought we were still torn. After re-reading my blog post, it sounded so obvious. What I wanted to do was right there staring me in the face, despite my protesting that I didn't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words in the comments. And you are right - it would be so much easier if someone could tell you what the right answer is.
I'm looking at it this way - we've been given another chance at IVF. Why wouldn't we take it? Yes, it means I won't know for sure whether or not we'll have children by February 16th. Yes, it means that I'll have to endure another round of shots and hormones. Yes, it means yet another roller coaster when I thought we'd be done. But for another shot (no pun intended) at having a child - all of that is unquestionably worth it.
Now, I'm not totally counting the IUI out. (Okay, honestly? So maybe I am. I figure, if IVF with ICSI and Assisted Hatching didn't work - the chances of the IUI working are pretty much nill.) I guess there's always a chance since no one seems to have any clue why we can't conceive. (But my uncooperative ovaries are giving me a big ol' hint...)
So we do the trigger shot tonight and then the IUI on Friday. My doctor will present our case to the panel Monday night (2/2/09) and call us Tuesday to talk about the plan for the next IVF. (See? Even he knows the IUI is a long shot...) Even though I'm not getting any younger and my IVF cycles have gotten progressively worse, he still thinks I would do the same, if not better in another cycle. I'm all for the Hail Mary.
P.S. Jamie - I actually DID ask my doctor what he'd do if he were in my shoes today and he said convert. But to answer your question about freezing the eggs - if they did the egg retrieval, that would count as IVF and insurance wouldn't cover it. My doctor seems to think I have a few good ones left. ;-)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Still Torn
Same deal today. My 3 lead follies are between 13-18, so they'll trigger me tomorrow night. We have until then to decide what we want to do.
We were leaning toward moving forward with the IVF, but now after talking with my doctor today, I'm not so sure. He said something that is nagging at me. When I asked what he would recommend, he said, "I'd just hate for us to move forward with the IVF and it not work out and you second guess your decision."
I hadn't really thought about that. He said if we did IVF again, my response couldn't be worse. Well, THAT'S a bright side for you. ;-) There's part of me that just wants to be done already, but then there's part of me that says - well, we could have another shot at a baby.
We asked the doctor what he would do differently if we were to do another IVF cycle. He said he honestly didn't know. He wants to present my case to a panel to get his colleagues' input. Lovely - my body is so effed up that my fertility doctor doesn't even know what to do with me.
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, but we're supposed to have ice. And given that it took me almost 2 hours to get there this morning with just a wee bit of snow (when it usually takes 15-20 mins), I'm not sure we'll make it. If we don't make it, they'll "estimate my follicle growth" and trigger me anyway. So, we have until tomorrow to figure all this out. I honestly don't know what to do...
We were leaning toward moving forward with the IVF, but now after talking with my doctor today, I'm not so sure. He said something that is nagging at me. When I asked what he would recommend, he said, "I'd just hate for us to move forward with the IVF and it not work out and you second guess your decision."
I hadn't really thought about that. He said if we did IVF again, my response couldn't be worse. Well, THAT'S a bright side for you. ;-) There's part of me that just wants to be done already, but then there's part of me that says - well, we could have another shot at a baby.
We asked the doctor what he would do differently if we were to do another IVF cycle. He said he honestly didn't know. He wants to present my case to a panel to get his colleagues' input. Lovely - my body is so effed up that my fertility doctor doesn't even know what to do with me.
I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, but we're supposed to have ice. And given that it took me almost 2 hours to get there this morning with just a wee bit of snow (when it usually takes 15-20 mins), I'm not sure we'll make it. If we don't make it, they'll "estimate my follicle growth" and trigger me anyway. So, we have until tomorrow to figure all this out. I honestly don't know what to do...
Monday, January 26, 2009
To Convert or Not To Convert...
That is the question.
Sadly.
My 3 lead follicles are even bigger. The others have done nothing. The doctor said if this was my first IVF attempt, he would recommend converting it to an IUI. (We did about 4 of those before moving to IVF.) But since this is my 3rd IVF and it's the worst response so far with the highest dosage of drugs, he doesn't think converting and doing another IVF cycle later will yield any different results. But, he wanted to put it out there for Michael and I to have some time to discuss before we have to make a decision. We'll likely trigger on Wednesday, 1/28, so we have until then to decide. I go back tomorrow for another check of the follicles.
The doctor is going to review my past cycles and see if there's anything different he can do with the drug cocktail to get a better response in a future cycle, but it isn't looking good.
Michael and I are leaning towards moving forward with this IVF even though we'll likely only get 3 eggs at most. It would be one thing if there was some other thing they could do, but sadly, it sounds like it's more my pathetic ovaries than the drug combo. And we're tired. We've devoted 4 years of our lives to this. And if my ovaries aren't going to cooperate, well - they just aren't and we'll have to deal with that and move on. And 3 eggs isn't zero. We keep telling ourselves that it only takes one.
So I guess I'll ask you all to pull for that one!
Sadly.
My 3 lead follicles are even bigger. The others have done nothing. The doctor said if this was my first IVF attempt, he would recommend converting it to an IUI. (We did about 4 of those before moving to IVF.) But since this is my 3rd IVF and it's the worst response so far with the highest dosage of drugs, he doesn't think converting and doing another IVF cycle later will yield any different results. But, he wanted to put it out there for Michael and I to have some time to discuss before we have to make a decision. We'll likely trigger on Wednesday, 1/28, so we have until then to decide. I go back tomorrow for another check of the follicles.
The doctor is going to review my past cycles and see if there's anything different he can do with the drug cocktail to get a better response in a future cycle, but it isn't looking good.
Michael and I are leaning towards moving forward with this IVF even though we'll likely only get 3 eggs at most. It would be one thing if there was some other thing they could do, but sadly, it sounds like it's more my pathetic ovaries than the drug combo. And we're tired. We've devoted 4 years of our lives to this. And if my ovaries aren't going to cooperate, well - they just aren't and we'll have to deal with that and move on. And 3 eggs isn't zero. We keep telling ourselves that it only takes one.
So I guess I'll ask you all to pull for that one!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Catch Up
Yesterday, I hosted my little sister's baby shower...
And it was awesome! I bet you thought this was going to be a hormonal rant about how hard it was on me. Nope. It was really a lot of fun. It was just a group of her girlfriends, so we just hung out and chatted and drank sparkly pink cocktails and looked at baby pictures of Ashley and Tom - some of which were priceless. (I think I could hold this slideshow for ransom if I wanted.) Best of all, I think my sister had a great time. And really, that is all I wanted in the end. She is such a wonderful person and she will be such a great mom. That is just an awesome thing to be a part of - to see my sister in a different light. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it was a good day.
I had even gotten some not so great news at my monitoring appointment that morning, but I still didn't let it impact the day. Which brings us to the follicle report. I have 3 lead follicles on the right that are considerably larger than the others. (Ideally, they want a lot of follicles that are all around the same size.) But, they kept my dosage the same, so they must feel like the others will catch up. I go back in for monitoring tomorrow morning. I am actually driving out of my way to go to a different office so that I don't have that horrible phlebotomist again. I'm sticking myself enough with needles, I don't need to be stuck unnecessarily by someone who can't find a vein!
Today, I went to brunch with a childhood friend I reconnected with (via Facebook, of course). When we left the restaurant, it was 4 HOURS LATER. How did that happen? It's funny how time flies by or how the years just seem to melt away when you meet up with an old friend. The funny part is, we were friends when we were little, little kids. We never went to school together - it was more that our moms were friends, so by default WE were friends. I can vividly remember being so jealous of her because she was allowed to pick out her own clothes and I had to wear what my mom picked out for me. Let me tell you, when I look back at the pictures of us, I thank my mom! ;-)
Another follicle report coming tomorrow - let's hope for some catcher uppers!
And it was awesome! I bet you thought this was going to be a hormonal rant about how hard it was on me. Nope. It was really a lot of fun. It was just a group of her girlfriends, so we just hung out and chatted and drank sparkly pink cocktails and looked at baby pictures of Ashley and Tom - some of which were priceless. (I think I could hold this slideshow for ransom if I wanted.) Best of all, I think my sister had a great time. And really, that is all I wanted in the end. She is such a wonderful person and she will be such a great mom. That is just an awesome thing to be a part of - to see my sister in a different light. Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it was a good day.
I had even gotten some not so great news at my monitoring appointment that morning, but I still didn't let it impact the day. Which brings us to the follicle report. I have 3 lead follicles on the right that are considerably larger than the others. (Ideally, they want a lot of follicles that are all around the same size.) But, they kept my dosage the same, so they must feel like the others will catch up. I go back in for monitoring tomorrow morning. I am actually driving out of my way to go to a different office so that I don't have that horrible phlebotomist again. I'm sticking myself enough with needles, I don't need to be stuck unnecessarily by someone who can't find a vein!
Today, I went to brunch with a childhood friend I reconnected with (via Facebook, of course). When we left the restaurant, it was 4 HOURS LATER. How did that happen? It's funny how time flies by or how the years just seem to melt away when you meet up with an old friend. The funny part is, we were friends when we were little, little kids. We never went to school together - it was more that our moms were friends, so by default WE were friends. I can vividly remember being so jealous of her because she was allowed to pick out her own clothes and I had to wear what my mom picked out for me. Let me tell you, when I look back at the pictures of us, I thank my mom! ;-)
Another follicle report coming tomorrow - let's hope for some catcher uppers!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Lookin' Good
I had my monitoring appointment today and according to my doctor, things are "lookin' good". I have about 5 follicles on the right side and 3 on the left (I think - I could have that right/left thing backwards). All are a good size for where we are in the process. My estrogen level is good (although way lower than where it was for my last 2 IVF's) - 62.2. I had them also test my TSH for my thyroid since my fingers have been going numb again. It came back at 1.1, so that is perfect!
Although GETTING my blood to test did not go so perfectly. There's a new phlebotomist. She is very nice, but I think she enjoys missing my vein and digging around in my arm hunting for it. Because she has done it twice now. (And I've only seen her twice.) Now I'm not a fan of getting stuck with a needle multiple times, but I'm even LESS of a fan of someone rooting around in my arm with a needle trying to get my vein and then blaming me for not being hydrated enough. No, lady - I think it's because you suck.
She finally gave up and had me go for the ultrasound first so that I could drink some water and then get my blood drawn at the end of my appointment. So I'm sitting on the table pantsless, covered by the oh-so-discreet paper sheet waiting for the ultrasound when my doctor comes in and says a college student is shadowing him and would I mind if she joined us. Heck, at this point so many people have seen my lady bits through all of this - why not? The funny thing is, I think the poor girl was more uncomfortable than I was because she was trying to find a place to look that was not directly at me in all of my glory. Ah well, I hope she learned something.
So I keep up with the same dosage and go back for monitoring and bloodwork again on Saturday morning. Luckily, I get to go to a different office with a different phlebotomist, but you can bet I'm chugging some water before I go just in case!
I'm still trying to keep up with the running until ET. I did 6 miles again on Monday, but with a slight distraction. About 3 miles in, a woman gets on the treadmill next to me and (I am not lying) begins to sing.
Opera.
As loud as she can possibly belt it out. And let me tell you, she couldn't carry a tune to save her life. I turned my MP3 player up as loud as I could stand it and I could still hear her over it. I kept looking over at her, and even panted out a breathless, "excuse me" but she totally ignored me. Maybe it made me run faster so that I could get the heck out of there. That is my new pet peeve. Singing at the gym. So, so wrong.
Although GETTING my blood to test did not go so perfectly. There's a new phlebotomist. She is very nice, but I think she enjoys missing my vein and digging around in my arm hunting for it. Because she has done it twice now. (And I've only seen her twice.) Now I'm not a fan of getting stuck with a needle multiple times, but I'm even LESS of a fan of someone rooting around in my arm with a needle trying to get my vein and then blaming me for not being hydrated enough. No, lady - I think it's because you suck.
She finally gave up and had me go for the ultrasound first so that I could drink some water and then get my blood drawn at the end of my appointment. So I'm sitting on the table pantsless, covered by the oh-so-discreet paper sheet waiting for the ultrasound when my doctor comes in and says a college student is shadowing him and would I mind if she joined us. Heck, at this point so many people have seen my lady bits through all of this - why not? The funny thing is, I think the poor girl was more uncomfortable than I was because she was trying to find a place to look that was not directly at me in all of my glory. Ah well, I hope she learned something.
So I keep up with the same dosage and go back for monitoring and bloodwork again on Saturday morning. Luckily, I get to go to a different office with a different phlebotomist, but you can bet I'm chugging some water before I go just in case!
I'm still trying to keep up with the running until ET. I did 6 miles again on Monday, but with a slight distraction. About 3 miles in, a woman gets on the treadmill next to me and (I am not lying) begins to sing.
Opera.
As loud as she can possibly belt it out. And let me tell you, she couldn't carry a tune to save her life. I turned my MP3 player up as loud as I could stand it and I could still hear her over it. I kept looking over at her, and even panted out a breathless, "excuse me" but she totally ignored me. Maybe it made me run faster so that I could get the heck out of there. That is my new pet peeve. Singing at the gym. So, so wrong.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Drive By
Just a quick little catch-me-up. Finished Lupron (yay!) with only a few hot flashes. It did give me some HORRIBLE bad dreams & night sweats. Michael started waking up saying, "What did I do this time?" because my dreams were so vivid and I'd be mad at him when I first woke up. Whoever said I was rational? ;-)
Anyway, we had the Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday and everything looked good, so I started the stims that night. When the doctor told me that he'd be upping my dosage to try to get more quality eggs out of me, I figured I'd just be taking more of medicine in the shots I was taking. Not so. Since my dosage is so high, I need to take shots in the AM and the PM because I guess they don't want me to have it all at once. So I get to take 3 shots a day. Fun stuff. But it's only for a finite period of time - and the needles really don't hurt (although, I still get freaked out by them - I'm such a wuss). Seriously. You'd think I'd be used to them by now. But then, I guess you'd think I'd be used to a lot of things by now.
Here are some dates I estimated based on the other IVF's - which could all change (hence the word "estimated"...)
1/26 - Trigger
1/28- Egg Retrieval
1/31 - Embryo Transfer
2/15 - Beta
I go in tomorrow for monitoring, so I'll let you know what things look like then. In the meantime, think happy follicle thoughts for me! Stay tuned...
Anyway, we had the Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound on Monday and everything looked good, so I started the stims that night. When the doctor told me that he'd be upping my dosage to try to get more quality eggs out of me, I figured I'd just be taking more of medicine in the shots I was taking. Not so. Since my dosage is so high, I need to take shots in the AM and the PM because I guess they don't want me to have it all at once. So I get to take 3 shots a day. Fun stuff. But it's only for a finite period of time - and the needles really don't hurt (although, I still get freaked out by them - I'm such a wuss). Seriously. You'd think I'd be used to them by now. But then, I guess you'd think I'd be used to a lot of things by now.
Here are some dates I estimated based on the other IVF's - which could all change (hence the word "estimated"...)
1/26 - Trigger
1/28- Egg Retrieval
1/31 - Embryo Transfer
2/15 - Beta
I go in tomorrow for monitoring, so I'll let you know what things look like then. In the meantime, think happy follicle thoughts for me! Stay tuned...
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Protector
I don't have any real IVF status update except that I started Lupron on Saturday night. No hot flashes yet! I'm sure they'll wait until the most inopportune time. But - I've had this stuff rolling around in my head for a few days now and figured I had better just get it out there.
I had a moment of clarity with my therapist last week, but before I tell you about it, I have to back up to before Christmas. I have been wanting to take this Yoga for Fertility series for awhile now, but the problem is that it's offered during the week far away from me. For those of you who know DC traffic - I'd have to get from Fairfax to Shady Grove by 6:30 or 7 PM. Not happening. Anyway, they offered a 3-hour workshop on a Saturday right before the holidays, so I took it as a little present to myself. I was SO looking forward to it. 3 hours of restorative, relaxing yoga? Heck yeah. While it was a good class and I did get something out of it, it was also a little traumatic. At the beginning, we went around and said a little about ourselves and our fertility journey. No one there had been trying for longer than 18 months. Most were starting their first fertility treatment. I went last. As you can imagine, there was collective gasp in the room when I said I'd been trying for almost 4 years and we were moving on to our 3rd and last IVF. I was all of their worst nightmares. And I felt bad about it. I felt like I was dashing all of their hopes. During part of the meditation at the end, the instructor was telling us to imagine the feel of our infant in our laps. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I just kept thinking - "but I might NEVER feel that!" So, yeah, not as relaxing as it could have been.
Anyway, I was relating this story to my therapist. I should mention that one of the things I like about her is that she's no fan of The Secret. I'm all for positive thinking, but I just don't buy into the whole "movement" about it being the be-all end-all - and she's right on board with me. So she talked to me about that reaction I had during yoga and called it "my protector" talking. She suggested thinking of her as a person, a protecter and thanking her when those negative thoughts surfaced - saying "thank you, but I don't need you right now". I liked it. It feels concrete. It validates my feelings / thoughts as real and normal, but unneccessary. So I don't beat myself up for the negative thoughts (i.e. maybe the reason you aren't pregnant is because you don't think you actually can be). Thinking positively feels a little naive right now - or kind of like denial. It feels better for me to think about how I will be okay no matter the outcome of this IVF. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my job. I will be okay.
It was just a really good image and method for me, so I thought I'd share.
I'd also like to clarify on the running during IVF thing from the last post. (My sister was concerned I'd gotten a little obsessed with the running.) I was hoping I could continue running up to the point of the embryo transfer (please don't ever call it implanatation - if they could implant it, I'd likely have a kid already). I wouldn't do ANYTHING to jepoardize this IVF working. I think I'll be flat on my butt as much as possible after transfer and before the beta, and if it's positive - for quite awhile thereafter. Speaking of running... tonight is 6 miles. Let's hope I can make it!
(p.s. Those 6 miles? Aw yeah. I did it.)
I had a moment of clarity with my therapist last week, but before I tell you about it, I have to back up to before Christmas. I have been wanting to take this Yoga for Fertility series for awhile now, but the problem is that it's offered during the week far away from me. For those of you who know DC traffic - I'd have to get from Fairfax to Shady Grove by 6:30 or 7 PM. Not happening. Anyway, they offered a 3-hour workshop on a Saturday right before the holidays, so I took it as a little present to myself. I was SO looking forward to it. 3 hours of restorative, relaxing yoga? Heck yeah. While it was a good class and I did get something out of it, it was also a little traumatic. At the beginning, we went around and said a little about ourselves and our fertility journey. No one there had been trying for longer than 18 months. Most were starting their first fertility treatment. I went last. As you can imagine, there was collective gasp in the room when I said I'd been trying for almost 4 years and we were moving on to our 3rd and last IVF. I was all of their worst nightmares. And I felt bad about it. I felt like I was dashing all of their hopes. During part of the meditation at the end, the instructor was telling us to imagine the feel of our infant in our laps. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I just kept thinking - "but I might NEVER feel that!" So, yeah, not as relaxing as it could have been.
Anyway, I was relating this story to my therapist. I should mention that one of the things I like about her is that she's no fan of The Secret. I'm all for positive thinking, but I just don't buy into the whole "movement" about it being the be-all end-all - and she's right on board with me. So she talked to me about that reaction I had during yoga and called it "my protector" talking. She suggested thinking of her as a person, a protecter and thanking her when those negative thoughts surfaced - saying "thank you, but I don't need you right now". I liked it. It feels concrete. It validates my feelings / thoughts as real and normal, but unneccessary. So I don't beat myself up for the negative thoughts (i.e. maybe the reason you aren't pregnant is because you don't think you actually can be). Thinking positively feels a little naive right now - or kind of like denial. It feels better for me to think about how I will be okay no matter the outcome of this IVF. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my job. I will be okay.
It was just a really good image and method for me, so I thought I'd share.
I'd also like to clarify on the running during IVF thing from the last post. (My sister was concerned I'd gotten a little obsessed with the running.) I was hoping I could continue running up to the point of the embryo transfer (please don't ever call it implanatation - if they could implant it, I'd likely have a kid already). I wouldn't do ANYTHING to jepoardize this IVF working. I think I'll be flat on my butt as much as possible after transfer and before the beta, and if it's positive - for quite awhile thereafter. Speaking of running... tonight is 6 miles. Let's hope I can make it!
(p.s. Those 6 miles? Aw yeah. I did it.)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Go ME!
Tonight I made Allison history.
I ran 5 miles.
That might not sound like much, but for someone who isn't a runner, it's a big deal! AND it was on a treadmill, so that should count for double points since it's so boring. So I'm just patting myself on the back. (A very sweaty back...)
In my 10K training plan, I basically run an extra mile every Monday for the long runs. (I was supposed to do this 5 miles on Monday, but I had a dinner date instead.) This 5 miles left me breathless, so I'm a little concerned with doing 6 next week. Plus, I don't run fast, so it literally takes FOREVER. The longest run I have in the training schedule is 8 miles. (Gulp.) Of course, I have wondered if I will be able to keep up all this running during IVF, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (See? I'm getting better at rolling with the punches.)
Okay. Top Chef is on. Sorry - priorities.
I ran 5 miles.
That might not sound like much, but for someone who isn't a runner, it's a big deal! AND it was on a treadmill, so that should count for double points since it's so boring. So I'm just patting myself on the back. (A very sweaty back...)
In my 10K training plan, I basically run an extra mile every Monday for the long runs. (I was supposed to do this 5 miles on Monday, but I had a dinner date instead.) This 5 miles left me breathless, so I'm a little concerned with doing 6 next week. Plus, I don't run fast, so it literally takes FOREVER. The longest run I have in the training schedule is 8 miles. (Gulp.) Of course, I have wondered if I will be able to keep up all this running during IVF, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. (See? I'm getting better at rolling with the punches.)
Okay. Top Chef is on. Sorry - priorities.
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