I keep going in expecting them to say something like, "Oh no, we made a mistake - those weren't follicles, they were cysts." Thankfully, that hasn't happened yet.
Everything looked good again today. The nurse just called and my e2 is 1004 - so rising appropriately. I'm to do the same dosage again tonight and back again tomorrow for another check. That Ganirelix shot isn't a big deal to give, but I totally feel like I've got a mosquito bite afterwards. It's weird, I'll catch myself scratching and look to see if I've got a bite - forgetting that I just gave myself a shot there. Duh.
Anyway, we might trigger tomorrow night, but if there are some smaller follicles that they want to give a chance, they might try to push it until Wednesday. So - the egg retrieval will either be Thursday or Friday. I cleared my Friday calendar today, but I realized I rescheduled everything for a day that might be my embryo transfer. Oh well. I'll deal with that when it happens. I can only be but so prepared, right?
Thanks for all your support and well-wishes, everyone. It means a lot.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Latest News
Things are still looking good! I have about 8 follicles ranging in size from 14-18 and my estrogen is increasing appropriately (742). I had the same tech today, and I just really like her. Turns out, she volunteers with a program that my department runs. She told me to say hi to a particular social worker for her, but I'm thinking that might be a bit of an awkward conversation. I mean, I'm very open about all this and everything, but the - "oh, how do you know her?" question would be particularly uncomfortable.
So tonight, I do the same 3 shots again and back tomorrow AM for more bloodwork and ultrasound. The tech said she thought I'd trigger on Tuesday night - which means egg retrieval on Thursday. I am so excited that this is actually happening!
Unfortunately, since the only available appt. for the ultrasound they had was at 8 AM, I'll probably go ahead and work tomorrow instead of playing hooky and playing with Michael. Small price to pay, though!
More tomorrow....
So tonight, I do the same 3 shots again and back tomorrow AM for more bloodwork and ultrasound. The tech said she thought I'd trigger on Tuesday night - which means egg retrieval on Thursday. I am so excited that this is actually happening!
Unfortunately, since the only available appt. for the ultrasound they had was at 8 AM, I'll probably go ahead and work tomorrow instead of playing hooky and playing with Michael. Small price to pay, though!
More tomorrow....
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Roller Coaster
I didn't quite believe people when they said IVF was a roller coaster. I thought, "yeah, yeah - you're on lots of hormones, you are moody, etc. What's the big deal?"
The big deal is thinking your cycle is a bust one day, and looking good the next. You read that right - looking good! My ultrasound this morning showed that several of the follicles caught up to the dominant one. What a difference a couple of days can make! I had about 8 follicles ranging in size from 10 to 17. I just heard from the nurse about the bloodwork and she said my estrogen looks great (584). They want me to increase the Menopur and add in the Ganirelix tonight. Ganirelix is a med / shot I've never done before, but it comes in a pre-filled syringe, so I figure I can do it. That particular drug will keep me from ovulating too early, without oversuppressing my ovaries (like the Lupron did last cycle).
So, I'm feeling good without getting too excited. I need to just be patient with my emotions so I don't go off the chart one way or the other. If we have to convert to an IUI, it will be okay. The nurse today told me that people do the same thing I did ALL THE TIME and it usually works out. It at least made me feel better that I'm not the only moron in town. ;-)
I'll post an update tomorrow. Let's hope this roller coaster doesn't reverse directions again.
(T minus 4 hours until Michael gets home...YAY!)
The big deal is thinking your cycle is a bust one day, and looking good the next. You read that right - looking good! My ultrasound this morning showed that several of the follicles caught up to the dominant one. What a difference a couple of days can make! I had about 8 follicles ranging in size from 10 to 17. I just heard from the nurse about the bloodwork and she said my estrogen looks great (584). They want me to increase the Menopur and add in the Ganirelix tonight. Ganirelix is a med / shot I've never done before, but it comes in a pre-filled syringe, so I figure I can do it. That particular drug will keep me from ovulating too early, without oversuppressing my ovaries (like the Lupron did last cycle).
So, I'm feeling good without getting too excited. I need to just be patient with my emotions so I don't go off the chart one way or the other. If we have to convert to an IUI, it will be okay. The nurse today told me that people do the same thing I did ALL THE TIME and it usually works out. It at least made me feel better that I'm not the only moron in town. ;-)
I'll post an update tomorrow. Let's hope this roller coaster doesn't reverse directions again.
(T minus 4 hours until Michael gets home...YAY!)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!
Someone smack me. I am such an idiot. I've ruined this cycle. (And I'm not just being dramatic, I've talked to the doctor.)
Okay, so last night I go to do my shots. I replace the vial in the Follistim pen, as it is almost empty. (When I started the shots on Monday, I noticed that I still had an almost full vial in the pen from last IVF cycle that I had kept in the fridge, so I went ahead and used it up.) As I'm replacing it, I notice how it says on the new packaging that once the rubber stopper has been pierced, the medicine is only good for 28 days. Ummmm...it's been 5 months. I tried not to freak out about it, and figured I'd just talk to the doc about it. After all, it was only 2 days.
Apparently, 2 critical days. When they looked at my right ovary, I had 4 nice looking follicles. The doc seemed positive. Then the left. A cyst (which we knew about) and one giant follie. He said the meds likely weren't as effectove and this was just nature taking it's course by producing one dominant follicle. He said we'd probably convert to an IUI this time and then start over again with IVF. Clearly, even he doesn't think the IUI will work. I didn't cry until I got out to my car.
I'm so mad at myself. There was NO NEED for me to use the old meds. Insurance covers them. I just hate wasting anything. Now I've wasted this whole cycle. How could I be so dumb?! There's so little I have control over with all this - and this is the one thing I could control. And I screwed it up.
I know it's not the end of the world. We still have 2 IVF cycles covered by insurance, so I know I'm luckier than most. Michael says I shouldn't beat myself up about this because there's nothing I can do about it now. I know he's right, but I'm still angry with me. I feel like he's wasting his trip up here on a stupid IUI. And I have no idea timing-wise when we'll be able to do IVF.
I go back in for more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Saturday morning. The doc didn't say we'd definitely convert, but he was giving me the heads up. I should know more then. Oh, and they'll call me about the bloodwork today, but I have no idea what to expect from that.
Okay, so last night I go to do my shots. I replace the vial in the Follistim pen, as it is almost empty. (When I started the shots on Monday, I noticed that I still had an almost full vial in the pen from last IVF cycle that I had kept in the fridge, so I went ahead and used it up.) As I'm replacing it, I notice how it says on the new packaging that once the rubber stopper has been pierced, the medicine is only good for 28 days. Ummmm...it's been 5 months. I tried not to freak out about it, and figured I'd just talk to the doc about it. After all, it was only 2 days.
Apparently, 2 critical days. When they looked at my right ovary, I had 4 nice looking follicles. The doc seemed positive. Then the left. A cyst (which we knew about) and one giant follie. He said the meds likely weren't as effectove and this was just nature taking it's course by producing one dominant follicle. He said we'd probably convert to an IUI this time and then start over again with IVF. Clearly, even he doesn't think the IUI will work. I didn't cry until I got out to my car.
I'm so mad at myself. There was NO NEED for me to use the old meds. Insurance covers them. I just hate wasting anything. Now I've wasted this whole cycle. How could I be so dumb?! There's so little I have control over with all this - and this is the one thing I could control. And I screwed it up.
I know it's not the end of the world. We still have 2 IVF cycles covered by insurance, so I know I'm luckier than most. Michael says I shouldn't beat myself up about this because there's nothing I can do about it now. I know he's right, but I'm still angry with me. I feel like he's wasting his trip up here on a stupid IUI. And I have no idea timing-wise when we'll be able to do IVF.
I go back in for more bloodwork and another ultrasound on Saturday morning. The doc didn't say we'd definitely convert, but he was giving me the heads up. I should know more then. Oh, and they'll call me about the bloodwork today, but I have no idea what to expect from that.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Shots & Surgery
No new follicle news. Just family news. My dad had emergency surgery yesterday - appendicitis. I got there right as the surgeon was coming out to tell my step-mom that everything went well. (The nurses had warned her that he was a great surgeon, but looked a little like a cartoon character. They weren't lying!) My dad got wheeled out about an hour later. Even though he was on morphine, he was still pretty spunky.
He told us to get out of the hospital and enjoy our Friday night. Then he said, "It IS Friday night, right?" We all just kind of looked at him, and he said, "It's Friday night for me, suckers!" That's my dad for ya.
He should come home this afternoon, provided that everything is healing well. I am so thankful they caught it before his appendix burst.
I didn't do as well on the shots last night. I think I was a little worked up. I had to talk myself through the Menopur - out loud. I thought I was going to pass out halfway through it. I swear - I am such a wuss. My dog came over and leaned against my chair so I could pet her when I started freaking out. For a devil, she sure can be sweet sometimes.
I'll post again after tomorrow's ultrasound - I can't wait to see what's going on in there!
He told us to get out of the hospital and enjoy our Friday night. Then he said, "It IS Friday night, right?" We all just kind of looked at him, and he said, "It's Friday night for me, suckers!" That's my dad for ya.
He should come home this afternoon, provided that everything is healing well. I am so thankful they caught it before his appendix burst.
I didn't do as well on the shots last night. I think I was a little worked up. I had to talk myself through the Menopur - out loud. I thought I was going to pass out halfway through it. I swear - I am such a wuss. My dog came over and leaned against my chair so I could pet her when I started freaking out. For a devil, she sure can be sweet sometimes.
I'll post again after tomorrow's ultrasound - I can't wait to see what's going on in there!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Daylight Savings Time
Apparently, I lost more than an hour. I lost an entire day! I was thinking my follie scan was Wednesday, but it's actually not until Thursday. Oops! Over eager, much? Good thing I realized it before showing up at the clinic.
My drugs were delivered today, but they gave me about 3 meds that I didn't need. And charged me for them. Luckily, they said I can bring them back for a refund. Kind of defeats the purpose of delivery, but oh well. At least I can do it when it's convenient for me.
Dad & Cindy - you'll be relieved to know that I did my 2 shots tonight all by myself. Without passing out - or even feeling woozy. Aren't you proud? I was a little concerned that I didn't remember how to do it, but I guess it's like riding a bike. Wait. Scratch that. ;-) (For those of you who don't know me that well - the secret's out - I can't ride a bike.) Anyway, Michael was on the phone with me for the Follistim, but I did the Menopur (that's the one that burns) on my own. At this point, I really shouldn't be making a big deal about the shots. You'd think I'd be used to them by now after 3 IUI cycles with injects and one IVF already under my belt.
I'll update on THURSDAY after the ultrasound to let you all know the progress. That is, unless something interesting happens in the meantime.
And Happy Birthday, Ash (it should be your birthday by the time you are reading this)!
My drugs were delivered today, but they gave me about 3 meds that I didn't need. And charged me for them. Luckily, they said I can bring them back for a refund. Kind of defeats the purpose of delivery, but oh well. At least I can do it when it's convenient for me.
Dad & Cindy - you'll be relieved to know that I did my 2 shots tonight all by myself. Without passing out - or even feeling woozy. Aren't you proud? I was a little concerned that I didn't remember how to do it, but I guess it's like riding a bike. Wait. Scratch that. ;-) (For those of you who don't know me that well - the secret's out - I can't ride a bike.) Anyway, Michael was on the phone with me for the Follistim, but I did the Menopur (that's the one that burns) on my own. At this point, I really shouldn't be making a big deal about the shots. You'd think I'd be used to them by now after 3 IUI cycles with injects and one IVF already under my belt.
I'll update on THURSDAY after the ultrasound to let you all know the progress. That is, unless something interesting happens in the meantime.
And Happy Birthday, Ash (it should be your birthday by the time you are reading this)!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Unsung Lullabies Chapter 8 - "Little Deaths"
While that isn't the title of the chapter, I feel like it should be. This chapter was all about grieving - and interestingly, where I stopped reading when I was reading this book before. I guess I wasn't too keen on grieving at that moment...
Infertility is a cycle - hope, loss, hope, loss. You can't get too caught up in mourning the loss, because you have to muster up some hope for the next cycle. The authors talk about the importance of mourning these "little deaths" - grieving for the pregnancy or the baby that never was. They make the analogy of a boxer in a ring who is losing the fight, but keeps getting back up. I hurt, but I feel like I need to ingnore my pain, man up and get back in there. I don't want to admit defeat.
The other thing that compounds these losses is that others don't really understand them. There aren't even words to acknowledge them. It feels similar to the loss of a loved one, but there aren't any memories or rituals to acknowledge them. Not only are we grieving the loss of a pregnancy, we are also grieving the loss of our identity as a potential parent.
The authors identify 3 steps to healing - (1) acknowledge that what you are going through is a real and valid loss (even if society doesn't acknowledge it), (2) understand that mourning infertility is difficult (cut yourself some slack), and (3) familiarize yourself with the grief process (these crazy feelings are normal).
The grief process involves shock and denial, sadness, anger, self-blame, hope for a miracle, and acceptance. With infertility, since it is not a single event you deal with and move on, progression through these stages is hardly linear. You may be experiencing multiple stages at once. I was encouraged to see that hope was a normal part of the grieving process. (Could I actually be normal?!) They talk a little about the irrational hope - like when Michael and I were on a break, but I still made sure we had sex at the "right" time thinking there was a chance we'd get pregnant on our own.
The authors talk about grieving also when you move to yet another intervention. I was so torn when the day for my first meeting with the RE finally came. I remember thinking when I made the appointment 3 months ahead that surely we'd be pregnant before needing intervention. I was excited to maybe find out what was wrong, but utterly depressed that we were at the point of needing a fertility specialist. It was like admitting defeat. I felt the same way when we were moving on to IVF. Excited that this might finally be the answer, but sad that we were actually having to use Plan C in this quest to become parents.
The last section of this chapter is - "How to Get Unstuck". Communication is the most important thing according to the authors. If you can't talk to someone, write down your feelings. I'm doing both, so that's good. Another thing is to admit when you feel upset. So often, I deny it. Try to blame it on something else. Beat myself up for feeling the way I do. They suggest finding an outlet for your anger. Being patient and gentle with your partner. And remembering that there is no right or wrong way to feel about all this. A good reminder for me.
Interesting that I finished this chapter feeling... what was that? Hopeful? Maybe I am normal after all.
Click here to read the next blogger's take on this chapter.
Infertility is a cycle - hope, loss, hope, loss. You can't get too caught up in mourning the loss, because you have to muster up some hope for the next cycle. The authors talk about the importance of mourning these "little deaths" - grieving for the pregnancy or the baby that never was. They make the analogy of a boxer in a ring who is losing the fight, but keeps getting back up. I hurt, but I feel like I need to ingnore my pain, man up and get back in there. I don't want to admit defeat.
The other thing that compounds these losses is that others don't really understand them. There aren't even words to acknowledge them. It feels similar to the loss of a loved one, but there aren't any memories or rituals to acknowledge them. Not only are we grieving the loss of a pregnancy, we are also grieving the loss of our identity as a potential parent.
The authors identify 3 steps to healing - (1) acknowledge that what you are going through is a real and valid loss (even if society doesn't acknowledge it), (2) understand that mourning infertility is difficult (cut yourself some slack), and (3) familiarize yourself with the grief process (these crazy feelings are normal).
The grief process involves shock and denial, sadness, anger, self-blame, hope for a miracle, and acceptance. With infertility, since it is not a single event you deal with and move on, progression through these stages is hardly linear. You may be experiencing multiple stages at once. I was encouraged to see that hope was a normal part of the grieving process. (Could I actually be normal?!) They talk a little about the irrational hope - like when Michael and I were on a break, but I still made sure we had sex at the "right" time thinking there was a chance we'd get pregnant on our own.
The authors talk about grieving also when you move to yet another intervention. I was so torn when the day for my first meeting with the RE finally came. I remember thinking when I made the appointment 3 months ahead that surely we'd be pregnant before needing intervention. I was excited to maybe find out what was wrong, but utterly depressed that we were at the point of needing a fertility specialist. It was like admitting defeat. I felt the same way when we were moving on to IVF. Excited that this might finally be the answer, but sad that we were actually having to use Plan C in this quest to become parents.
The last section of this chapter is - "How to Get Unstuck". Communication is the most important thing according to the authors. If you can't talk to someone, write down your feelings. I'm doing both, so that's good. Another thing is to admit when you feel upset. So often, I deny it. Try to blame it on something else. Beat myself up for feeling the way I do. They suggest finding an outlet for your anger. Being patient and gentle with your partner. And remembering that there is no right or wrong way to feel about all this. A good reminder for me.
Interesting that I finished this chapter feeling... what was that? Hopeful? Maybe I am normal after all.
Click here to read the next blogger's take on this chapter.
Friday, March 7, 2008
And We're Off...
Things look good to get started! I had 7 baby follies on the right ovary and 4 on the left. The left ovary was also sporting a nice cyst, but it isn't producing estrogen, so I'm fine to go ahead. The doctor didn't seem to think it was producing anything since my uterine lining looked good and the bloodwork confirmed that it's a dud.
My actual doctor did the ultrasound and my regular nurse was there too to go over my protocol. It all felt really good to me! I told them how I didn't even realize that 5 months had gone by since my last cycle. The funny thing was - they didn't realize it either! Amazing how time flies. It was like Old Home Week at the fertility clinic.
I start my stimulation drugs on Monday and come back for another follicle report on Wednesday and then every other day from there on out. So, I should know more date-wise on Wednesday, but everything looks to be on track so far. YAY!
Dinner with the girls was wonderful, as always. But unfortunately - something gave me a serious case of heartburn (and I'm not even ON any drugs yet!) and I barely slept 4 hours last night. Sounds like tonight will be a good sleeping night.
Edited to add: I forgot the best part! Since my meds weren't ready on Friday, the pharmacy is having them couriered (is that a word?) over to my house on Monday. How cool is that? Hopefully, they'll all be right since they'll be closed by the time I get home from work. Even if they're not - I've got enough left over drugs that I should be fine for one night.
My actual doctor did the ultrasound and my regular nurse was there too to go over my protocol. It all felt really good to me! I told them how I didn't even realize that 5 months had gone by since my last cycle. The funny thing was - they didn't realize it either! Amazing how time flies. It was like Old Home Week at the fertility clinic.
I start my stimulation drugs on Monday and come back for another follicle report on Wednesday and then every other day from there on out. So, I should know more date-wise on Wednesday, but everything looks to be on track so far. YAY!
Dinner with the girls was wonderful, as always. But unfortunately - something gave me a serious case of heartburn (and I'm not even ON any drugs yet!) and I barely slept 4 hours last night. Sounds like tonight will be a good sleeping night.
Edited to add: I forgot the best part! Since my meds weren't ready on Friday, the pharmacy is having them couriered (is that a word?) over to my house on Monday. How cool is that? Hopefully, they'll all be right since they'll be closed by the time I get home from work. Even if they're not - I've got enough left over drugs that I should be fine for one night.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Last Day!
Today is my last day on The Pill. Hooray! It always seems so odd to be on birth control when you are trying to get pregnant, but with Michael gone, I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.
Tomorrow, I'll have bloodwork and an ultrasound to see what our starting point looks like. (My veins have likely gotten a little complacent without all the poking they were used to.) I'll probably also pick up my gazillions of meds from the pharmacy tomorrow once I get the okay to start.
I kind of can't believe that it's been over 5 months since our last cycle. It doesn't feel like the break was that long. I'm not sure if that is good or bad... One thing that IS good is that I feel ready. Ready for the shots, ready for the hormone swings, ready for the constant prodding / monitoring at the doctors. I'm actually not dreading it. I thought I would be since now I know what is involved. Maybe those 5 months have given me a little perspective, or maybe it was just time to forget what's REALLY involved. ;-)
Tonight I'm meeting some girlfriends for dinner. A group of about 6 of us used to live together right out of college. Believe it or not, we are all still friends after that experience. We actually had a great time when we lived together - no one can seem to believe that there was so little drama in a house with that many women. Since we all still live in the area, we try to get together monthly for some much needed girl-talk. These women are amazing, and have been such a wonderful support to me throughout the past 10+ years. I had to miss last month since I was sick, so I'm looking forward to this one even more than usual! (Sus, Roby, Tammy, La, Kristi - can't wait to see you girls!)
I'll be sure to give you all the follicle report tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I'll have bloodwork and an ultrasound to see what our starting point looks like. (My veins have likely gotten a little complacent without all the poking they were used to.) I'll probably also pick up my gazillions of meds from the pharmacy tomorrow once I get the okay to start.
I kind of can't believe that it's been over 5 months since our last cycle. It doesn't feel like the break was that long. I'm not sure if that is good or bad... One thing that IS good is that I feel ready. Ready for the shots, ready for the hormone swings, ready for the constant prodding / monitoring at the doctors. I'm actually not dreading it. I thought I would be since now I know what is involved. Maybe those 5 months have given me a little perspective, or maybe it was just time to forget what's REALLY involved. ;-)
Tonight I'm meeting some girlfriends for dinner. A group of about 6 of us used to live together right out of college. Believe it or not, we are all still friends after that experience. We actually had a great time when we lived together - no one can seem to believe that there was so little drama in a house with that many women. Since we all still live in the area, we try to get together monthly for some much needed girl-talk. These women are amazing, and have been such a wonderful support to me throughout the past 10+ years. I had to miss last month since I was sick, so I'm looking forward to this one even more than usual! (Sus, Roby, Tammy, La, Kristi - can't wait to see you girls!)
I'll be sure to give you all the follicle report tomorrow.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Unsung Lullabies Chapters 6 & 7 - Men and Relationships
First off, thank you so much for all the supportive comments after my therapy experience. I am just saddened that it sounds like so many of you have been through something similar. It's funny - I think I get more out of my journal and this blog than I'll ever get out of therapy. And this experience just makes me hesitant to even try again. But I will. I'm a glutton for punishment, what can I say.
Okay, on to Unsung Lullabies. I feel like I should have asked Michael to read Chapter 6 and do a guest post on here since it is all about The Man. These are going to be some tough chapters to review with any level of personal story attached, as they would basically be stories about our sex life. I share a LOT with you all, but I think I usually stay on the appropriate side of too much information.
I don't totally know how Michael would feel about some of the assertions the authors make, but some of them seem to apply. In our society, men aren't supposed to have feelings - especially around infertility. But men have reproductive stories too. I know Michael has one because he's talked about coaching little league someday. Before we got married, he even told me that we'd have boys - said it ran in his family. After reading this book, I'm thinking we might need to explore our stories a little more together.
Reproduction seems to be a woman's world, but when things don't go as planned, men can feel frustrated that they can't "fix it". They have the stress of feeling helpless that they can't have a baby PLUS the stress of not being able to help their partner stop being sad. That one rang true for me. I know Michael wants more than anything for me to be happy and it kills him to see me so devastated after a failed cycle. One man quoted in the book said, "I'm so tired of her tears because there's nothing I can do to stop them."
Adding to the helplessness, virtually all of the tests and procedures are on the woman. And they are all very medical. The only male tests and procedures are overtly sexual in nature. I had always thought of that as easier to deal with (after all, it's something people do anyways!), but after reading this chapter, I can see where that would actually be worse. My mistake was that I was so relieved when all Michael's tests came back normal. I thought that meant I didn't need to worry about him. That his main concern was that his swimmers weren't up to the task. Come to find out, that's NOT all men are worried about. (Who knew?!)
Another thing about men's feelings that I was surprised to read was the whole issue of "baby-making sex". Many men don't want to have sex on command - and report feeling used. I thought that was an interesting word, as you usually hear it in terms of women being used in the same way, but for very different purposes. Just as women can feel devalued by being used for their bodies, men can feel the same way being used for their sperm.
Okay - enough of the sex talk. (I got through it pretty well, though - wouldn't you say?) There's a whole section in the book on shots. Michael did my first injection. He said if I did it and it was bad, I'd never want to do it again. But if he did it and it was bad, I could just blame him. I was totally freaked - both by the shot and by letting go of the control - letting him give me that shot. It was fine - he did great, but I did my own shots after that. At one point during our IUI's, I thought Michael might be feeling left out of the treatment stuff, so I even offered to let him give me the shots. He declined, but he got back in on the action with the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots after the IVF. The book talks about those being agonizing for both men and women for different reasons. For women, well - for one they hurt. But there's also that loss of control. For men, there's the issue of inflicting pain on someone you love. The PIO shots were one of our only fights during all this. I questioned Michael about whether he had prepared the shot correctly, was using the right needle, knew where to give the shot, etc. Since I wasn't doing it myself, I wanted to be sure he knew what he was doing. He got pissed (rightly so) because he didn't think I trusted him & questioned his ability.
Chapter 7 was about the toll infertility takes on ALL intimate relationships. I feel like Michael and I are actually closer because of all of this, but the authors do point out some things to be aware of. The first is that infertility is a dual trauma - you have the individual trauma, but then you also have to cope with how your partner is coping. There can be a huge disconnect when the coping styles are different. I identified particularly with one example of a couple where the woman was doing tons and tons of research. The man was not interested. She felt like he didn't care and he felt like she was obsessing and didn't WANT to know all that information. The authors talk about negotiation as finding a way for both of you to cope without trampling on the other person. They also mention that when both partners feel a loss of control with infertility, there can be a power struggle in a completely unrelated front. I feel like Michael and I are doing okay with that, but it is something to be aware of for the future.
The next section of the book is called "Grieving and Coping". That is where I stopped when I was reading it last time. Can we say, DENIAL? This time, though, I'm looking forward to reading it. I don't think I was in a place where I could read it before.
I'll link here when I get the next blogger's take on these 2 chapters.
Okay, on to Unsung Lullabies. I feel like I should have asked Michael to read Chapter 6 and do a guest post on here since it is all about The Man. These are going to be some tough chapters to review with any level of personal story attached, as they would basically be stories about our sex life. I share a LOT with you all, but I think I usually stay on the appropriate side of too much information.
I don't totally know how Michael would feel about some of the assertions the authors make, but some of them seem to apply. In our society, men aren't supposed to have feelings - especially around infertility. But men have reproductive stories too. I know Michael has one because he's talked about coaching little league someday. Before we got married, he even told me that we'd have boys - said it ran in his family. After reading this book, I'm thinking we might need to explore our stories a little more together.
Reproduction seems to be a woman's world, but when things don't go as planned, men can feel frustrated that they can't "fix it". They have the stress of feeling helpless that they can't have a baby PLUS the stress of not being able to help their partner stop being sad. That one rang true for me. I know Michael wants more than anything for me to be happy and it kills him to see me so devastated after a failed cycle. One man quoted in the book said, "I'm so tired of her tears because there's nothing I can do to stop them."
Adding to the helplessness, virtually all of the tests and procedures are on the woman. And they are all very medical. The only male tests and procedures are overtly sexual in nature. I had always thought of that as easier to deal with (after all, it's something people do anyways!), but after reading this chapter, I can see where that would actually be worse. My mistake was that I was so relieved when all Michael's tests came back normal. I thought that meant I didn't need to worry about him. That his main concern was that his swimmers weren't up to the task. Come to find out, that's NOT all men are worried about. (Who knew?!)
Another thing about men's feelings that I was surprised to read was the whole issue of "baby-making sex". Many men don't want to have sex on command - and report feeling used. I thought that was an interesting word, as you usually hear it in terms of women being used in the same way, but for very different purposes. Just as women can feel devalued by being used for their bodies, men can feel the same way being used for their sperm.
Okay - enough of the sex talk. (I got through it pretty well, though - wouldn't you say?) There's a whole section in the book on shots. Michael did my first injection. He said if I did it and it was bad, I'd never want to do it again. But if he did it and it was bad, I could just blame him. I was totally freaked - both by the shot and by letting go of the control - letting him give me that shot. It was fine - he did great, but I did my own shots after that. At one point during our IUI's, I thought Michael might be feeling left out of the treatment stuff, so I even offered to let him give me the shots. He declined, but he got back in on the action with the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots after the IVF. The book talks about those being agonizing for both men and women for different reasons. For women, well - for one they hurt. But there's also that loss of control. For men, there's the issue of inflicting pain on someone you love. The PIO shots were one of our only fights during all this. I questioned Michael about whether he had prepared the shot correctly, was using the right needle, knew where to give the shot, etc. Since I wasn't doing it myself, I wanted to be sure he knew what he was doing. He got pissed (rightly so) because he didn't think I trusted him & questioned his ability.
Chapter 7 was about the toll infertility takes on ALL intimate relationships. I feel like Michael and I are actually closer because of all of this, but the authors do point out some things to be aware of. The first is that infertility is a dual trauma - you have the individual trauma, but then you also have to cope with how your partner is coping. There can be a huge disconnect when the coping styles are different. I identified particularly with one example of a couple where the woman was doing tons and tons of research. The man was not interested. She felt like he didn't care and he felt like she was obsessing and didn't WANT to know all that information. The authors talk about negotiation as finding a way for both of you to cope without trampling on the other person. They also mention that when both partners feel a loss of control with infertility, there can be a power struggle in a completely unrelated front. I feel like Michael and I are doing okay with that, but it is something to be aware of for the future.
The next section of the book is called "Grieving and Coping". That is where I stopped when I was reading it last time. Can we say, DENIAL? This time, though, I'm looking forward to reading it. I don't think I was in a place where I could read it before.
I'll link here when I get the next blogger's take on these 2 chapters.
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