I Am Not Alone

In less than one week, I get to see Michael. Not that I'm excited or anything. Nah...

The other night, I got to see one of my oldest and dearest friends, Dave. You know how there are those people who you never see and rarely talk to, yet when you do see them, you're able to talk like no time has passed? Dave is one of those friends. Good stuff. (Thanks, Dave!)

Okay - now on to Unsung Lullabies. One thing that impresses me about this book is that the authors have been there. They've travelled this road. (And unlike many people - they didn't suffer infertility amnesia). As I read, I often say - "Exactly!" out loud. They know the crazy emotions - they understand being happy for friends who are pregnant, while still feeling those nasty jealousy pangs - and then feeling ashamed of that jealousy. They understand the irrational fear that you have let your spouse down in some way because you couldn't have a baby. Reading this book helps me to not feel so alone. I appreciate them telling a bit about their stories. I do identify with their fears about being a parent, while never worrying that I may have trouble becoming a parent. However, unlike the authors, I never dreamed of being a mom. It was just a given. It was the continuation of life. My life. Chapter 1 is titled "This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be". Amen to that, sister. They talk about the concept of reproductive trauma - and the cumulative effect of failed cycle after failed cycle on a person's psyche. I'm in Cycle 42, and I feel every single one of those failures. Why do I even count anymore?

Probably because of that little word "hope". Sometimes I am greatful for it and other days I wish I could just give up so that I didn't have to keep experiencing these losses.

Tonight, I'm off to a gathering of women in the DC area struggling with IF as well. Some of them have kids now, others are in my shoes. I've never met any of them, and just recently found them on-line - however, I think this is yet something else that might help me to not feel so alone. For those of you who know me - you know I'm not the big mingler. I'm the girl who goes to a party and winds up talking all night to the people I showed up with. Not exactly adventurous. Guess I'm feeling bold today!

Click here to link to the next blogger's review of this section of Unsung Lullabies.