Come On 2009

You know, I hadn't thought about it this way, but having the hysteroscopy and D&C done on the last day of 2008 was kind of appropriate. 2008 was really a crap year for me. The funny part is - I knew it going in. I don't think I quite knew HOW crappy it would be, but I posted about it being a year to "get through". Boy, was I right about that. But we survived - and bad things in 2008 mean that 2009 can only get better. That's why it was good to get that surgery out of the way in the "bad year". ;-)

The surgery went fine. No problems. I was annoyed when coming out of the anesthesia because I just wanted to SLEEP. I had more bleeding than I've ever had before, but that is normal apparently. We came home to a huge box and a cooler on the stoop with my IVF meds - so I'm technically ready. Polyp removed? Check. Meds? Check. Desire to shoot myself up with mood-altering substances? Okay, still working on that one.

Michael made a wonderful dinner tonight out of a cookbook we got for Christmas - Pork Scallopini with Greens & Polenta. It was awesome! I felt bad sitting on my butt playing a word game on his Xbox while he did all the work, but he takes good care of me. We have tiramisu and cannoli for dessert (we couldn't decide) with Prosecco for our midnight toast. Sadly, a toast is all I can do because of the anesthesia today. (I even tried to find some sort of cheap rationalization on the Internet, but it was of no help. Everything said no alcohol for 24 hours.) Since the nurse told me I could do a toast, I'm following her advice. ;-)

I hate to be so down on 2008. Some good things really did happen. Instead of focusing on the bad, here are a few good things from 2008:
- I took up running
- I lost 10 lbs
- I got to spend time with my family at the beach
- I met some wonderful people at the leadership institute in Atlanta whom I feel will be lifelong friends
- We cured my "heartburn" (gall bladder removal)
- Michael came home
- I got a new nephew
- I found a good therapist

Really, the best thing that happened in 2008 was that I learned a lot about myself during the year. I'm not going to list all the things I learned, mainly because I want to spend time with Michael tonight - not spend all night on the computer.

I will sign off wishing everyone a wonderful 2009. Thank you for all your support, prayers, and friendship. Happy New Year!

False Start

After getting a bunch of calls early this morning assuring me that my insurance coverage was all set (from the panicky messages I left yesterday), I finally got up to drink my clear liquids (tea) before the cutoff time and walk the dog.

When Uno and I came back from our walk, Michael said, "Bad news hon - you have to go to work today". While I was racking my brain trying to think of what crisis could possibly have come up at work when no one is really there, he told me that a nurse called to say there had been a mix-up. They were all thinking that yesterday was the 30th, so when they told me my surgery was scheduled for "tomorrow", it was scheduled for the 31st. As my sister said, sure doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in the people who will be doing my surgery!

So, long story short, my surgery will be tomorrow. For real this time. (I hope!) So I guess you all know what my New Year's Eve will involve. Not a whole heck of a lot! ;-)

Oh - and thank you so much for the comments! Especially your story, Damiane'. It makes me hopeful when I hear about someone who has gone through a similar experience. I've been mulling a New Year's post in my head, but I'm not sure if I'll get to it. We'll see...

Just When You Think It Will Be Easy...

So we had the mock embryo transfer today. It has never been an issue before, so I expected an easy time of it today. It has always just been a "check the box" kind of thing - everything looks good, let's move ahead.

Well, today it wasn't.

Today, the doctor saw a uterine polyp. Which is not a big deal, but also not what I was expecting. After he showed me the polyp, he told me not to worry because it was likely not cancerous. Ummm - excuse me? Yeah - wasn't worried about that at ALL until you just mentioned it. I just love how these doctors throw around that word like it's nothing at all. We're going to pretend he never mentioned it. La-la-la-la...

No, he said that if we were just trying to conceive the good old fashioned way and he had seen that polyp, he would have just told us not to worry about it and not done anything about it. He said it probably wouldn't impact implantation, but why take the risk. Given all that we've been through and the fact that this is our 3rd and final IVF, he would not recommend moving forward without removing it. It makes sense to have everything in tip-top shape in there!

The good news is that they can do a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp. Tomorrow. Yep, the OR had an opening, so they scheduled me. No time like the present! Might as well get it over with. My doctor said if we could get it scheduled quickly, it shouldn't interfere with my IVF cycle, so I'm all for that. (I'd say tomorrow counts as "quickly"...) Right now I'm in the process of making sure everything is cool with my insurance company. You know how fun THAT is. Especially when no one seems to be in the office.

Assuming everything is good with insurance, the surgery is scheduled for 12:15 PM tomorrow. Hopefully, THIS will be easy! I'll keep you posted.

P.S. I found out that our karyotyping (genetic testing) came back normal, so no answers there, but it's good to know anyway. Ruling things out is always good!

Gifts

Happy Holidays everyone! I got the best present ever - Michael being HOME. His parents came up and we had a nice visit. We spent Christmas Day at my parents' house and for the first time, we did Secret Santa instead of gifts for everyone. We did one person for a real gift and one person for a joke gift. This was totally the way to go, by the way. It took the stress out of Christmas shopping and was just a ton of fun. We used elfster.com and had the computer generate and e-mail our matches so no one really had to coordinate. Good stuff.

So we are embarking on IVF #3. I kind of can't believe it. I go in for the mock embryo transfer tomorrow. We haven't gotten our results from the genetic testing yet, but that shouldn't be long now. I will start the ovulation predictor kits tomorrow and once I get a positive result, I'll alert my nurse and start the Lupron shortly after that.

It's funny - part of me is excited to start up again, but another part of me likes the ambiguity. If you've ever taken the Myers-Briggs, one of the questions is about whether you like things to be decided or up in the air. I've always had a hard time with that question and now I know why. I like things BOTH ways. I'm ready for this IVF to be over with so that we can know once and for all whether we will have children. On the other hand, I'm terrified for this IVF to be over because I like having hope for the future. The possibility that we will have children is still there if this IVF hasn't happened yet.

But, here we go. I'm embracing the part of me that likes to have things decided.

We just received word of a late Christmas present. Michael's brother, Christian and his wife, Korie just welcomed their second son into the world earlier today. Everyone is healthy and doing well. Happy Birthday, Baby Max!

(edited for formatting weirdness...)

All Clear

HSG #2 - no problem.

If that had been my first one and I heard other women complain about it, I'd think they were giant wusses. Seriously. It was like a day at the spa compared to the first one.

My right tube was clear and the left tube was "slow to spill", but it wound up being fine too. That was the only point that hurt a bit. (For a grand total of about 30 seconds.) So everything looks good. The only thing the doctor said he'd suggest was to do another mock embryo transfer before the next IVF, which we were planning on anyway.

So that's the story. We got a Christmas tree, but have yet to decorate it. I guess that will be what we're doing this weekend! Yay! Once we came home with the tree and the fresh wreath, I put the wreath on a moving blanket (so the needles didn't get everywhere) to decorate it. I swear - as soon as Uno entered the room, she ran to get her bone and immediately claimed the wreath as her own. (By sitting it, not the other way dogs tend to "claim" things. That would NOT have been cute.) It was too cute to yell at her about it, so I got Michael's cell phone and snapped a picture. It's blurry, but you can probably see the wreath underneath her. Later, she was curled up inside it, but she woke up and moved before I could get a shot of that.



She's lucky she's cute.

Newsflash

Denying you are sick doesn't make you get better any faster. I've had a sore throat since Thursday, but I thought - no biggee, just drink some tea with honey and you'll be fine. Well, here we are on Tuesday with me home from work and asleep most of the day. The doctor doesn't think it is strep - just a virus that has to run its course. Michael's orders were a hot bath, tea, chicken noodle soup, and back to bed. Here's hoping that combo helps this thing get out of my system. I'm also adding in a booster of clementines for Vitamin C, but honestly - it's mainly because I love them and they only come around once a year.

I ran a 5K on Saturday morning in the bitter cold with my friend Esther. Probably didn't help with the whole sore throat thing. Amazingly, I shaved another 3 minutes off of my time! I think we were just running faster to get it over with and get to a warm place with coffee. Well, that and the fact that I thought the finish line was closer than it was and kicked it into high gear prematurely. Lesson learned! This particular race was to encourage young girls to get into running, so it was mostly girls in grades 3-8. We didn't quite realize that in addition to a race, it would also include hurdles - in the form of pre-teens stopping in the middle of the course to tie a shoe, say hi to a friend, fix their hair, etc. (And we STILL did better than before!) I've even looked up a training schedule for a 10K, but haven't started it or found a race to set my sights on. But I'm thinking about it.

So Thursday is my repeat HSG. We have to drive up to Rockville and will be fighting rush hour traffic to get home, but it's a small price to pay for a better experience than my last one. (Although, having my fingernails plucked out might be a better experience than my last one...) I had my bloodwork done this morning for the genetic testing. The woman taking my blood said it was a very rare test and asked if I was trying to have a baby. She was Asian and had a very strong accent. Our conversation went something like this...

Her: "How long you been married?"
Me: "5 years."
Her: "Oooooh - you so young. You have, like 6 more years to have baby. Then - maybe not so much."
Me:
Her: "I have friend who try 3 years for baby. No baby. Doctor tell her too much stress. No work. No drive car. She do that for one year and guess what?"
Me:
Her: "Baby BOY!" (as though the gender was the miraculous part of that story)

I told her I didn't think that not working or driving for a year wasn't really an option for me, but thanked her. For some reason, it didn't annoy me. Maybe because she was so darn cute and cheerful. Maybe because I was sick. Who knows. I was thinking about it as I pulled out of the parking lot and nearly got taken out by a mini-van.

Maybe there's something to that no driving thing...

A Plan - Kind Of

Okay, so what is it called when you apologize or repent for something and then keep doing it?

Again - sorry for no update for so long. No excuse.

Michael has had a few interviews which went well, but he is still looking. I think being home all day every day is starting to get to him now, despite being the total homebody that he is.

We had a visit with our fertility doctor this week. He went over where we have been and our plan for the future. When he mentioned that we had been trying to conceive for about 4 years as part of where we've been, Michael said he had no idea it had been that long. Of course, since I still keep track of my cycles for some unknown reason, and we're on Cycle 55, it wasn't exactly a surprise. Since they can't find a single thing wrong with either of us, it leads them to believe there is likely a genetic issue with our embryos. However, since our embryos don't seem to make it past Day 3 after egg retrieval, they can't do any testing on them.

We are doing some additional testing on both of us, but realistically, the doctor does not expect to find anything. But - we all feel like since this is our last shot at conceiving, we might as well rule out everything possible. I will have a repeat HSG (hysterosalpingogram) where they shoot dye into your uterus and tubes. The doctor doesn't think I have a blockage, but wants to make sure my tubes aren't dilated - which could cause implantation issues because of fluid seepage. If one or both of my tubes are dilated, they can remove them or block them before the IVF. Neither of which sounds particularly fun. The other test we are doing is karyotyping for both Michael and me, which is just a blood test that shows any chromosomal abnormalities present in either of us. The chances of finding anything are less than 5%. If they DO find anything, the next step would likely be egg or sperm donation, depending on which one of us has the chromosome issue.

We have done one timed intercourse cycle, 4 IUI's and of course, the 2 IVF's. I responded better to the first IVF cycle, so the plan is to go back to that protocol, skipping the birth control beforehand and upping the dosage of meds. Hopefully, that will result in higher quantity and quality eggs.

First, though, we'll do these tests and if everything is a-okay, we'll start the Lupron with my next cycle and then do IVF in late December / early January. I'm trying to keep it all flexible and fluid in my head because as most of you know, once I have a plan I have a tough time deviating from it.

Go with the flow, Allison, go with the flow.

Bad Blogger!

I've been a bad blogger. Once it gets to be so long since I've posted anything, I feel a little paralyzed because - where do I start?

But I have a good excuse for being a blog slacker - MICHAEL IS FINALLY HOME!!!

I guess I should start where I left off. After my last post, I flew to Alabama for the end of the campaign and the election. Michael and his parents picked me up at the airport and we immediately headed to - I am not making this up - the National Peanut Festival. It was actually very fun - similar to a State Fair, only with more focus on, well... peanuts. For those of you who don't know me - I don't really eat much meat. Not only did I eat a corndog that night, I STOOD IN A HUGE LINE for that corndog. And you know what? It was damn good.

The remainder of the week was a bit of a blur. Before election day, we did some last minute campaign stuff - fish fry, election night rally, etc. The morning of election day, we stood in an intersection in our campaign t-shirts holding signs and waving. I noticed that people are polite to your face and then stick their tongues out when they think you can't see them. I busted several people doing that to Michael.

Election night, Michael gave me the job of entering the votes into a spreadsheet (a perfect job for me - I am a total Excel dork) as the calls from the precincts came in. Which would have been fun, had we won. It was close the whole time. We kept waiting and waiting on this one precinct that was supposed to go heavily for Michael's candidate. We ended up losing by 0.6%. They do an automatic recount at 0.5% - of course. Once it was clear that he was not going to win, I thought I was going to throw up. I had to go to the bathroom and give myself a pep talk. We knew that losing was a possibility, but we never thought it would actually happen. That isn't what was supposed to happen. How could Michael and I have spent this much time apart for this NOT TO TURN OUT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO? (I'm pretty sure that's incorrect grammar, but whatever.) So I should probably be used to things not turning out like they're supposed to by now. I guess I still haven't learned that lesson.

The remainder of the week, we had to go clean out our old car - which was totaled, buy a new car (thanks to a generous loan from Michael's parents), work on the resume, clean out the campaign office, and say goodbyes. Michael has spent the last week recovering from his year of 16 hour days on the couch. Yesterday he said that he was finally able to sleep the night before.

We are spending as much time as we can together - just being. I thought it would be an adjustment having him home after so long, but it just feels so good to be back to normal. The dog not only remembered him, but nearly devoured him with love she was so happy to see him. Of course, I instantly became invisible to her. She brought him every toy she had that first night and dropped them one by one at his feet. He said, "Ummm, did you ever play with the dog while I was gone?". Yeah, thanks for making me look bad, Uno.

So now he's on the job hunt with the rest of the ousted Republicans from the Hill. There's a lot of competition for very few jobs. He has sent out his resume and now we wait and hope and pray.

I have so much more I could say, but dinner is almost ready (another bonus of having Michael home - he cooks!).

Perfectly Normal

After a bit of the run-around, I finally got the pictures from my surgery and got them to my fertility doctor. Initially, the surgeon told my dad that I had significant scar tissue in there. But, according to my doctor, after looking at the photos today, everything looks perfectly normal. I had a small cyst on one of my ovaries, but that was about it. Nothing that would cause infertility. No signs of endometriosis. Which I guess is good news / bad news. While I'm glad I'm "perfectly normal", I would have liked some reason for my infertility. Something we could fix.

I feel like the fact that I have no explainable medical condition causing my infertility gives credence to those who tell me to just relax or that it will happen once I stop thinking about it. It's just frustrating. Because I know that no amount of relaxing or not thinking about it will get me pregnant. But I have no alternate explanation. And the "just relax" suggestion implies that it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. And I know it's not, but when there's no other explanation, it feels that way sometimes.

I guess I need to come to terms with the idea that not everything is fixable. There are some things that are just out of our hands. It's funny - I've gotten there in terms of the election that Michael is involved with, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it fertility-wise. Both things - the election and my fertility - greatly impact my life moving forward, but somehow something that doesn't have to do with my body is easier to say - what will be, will be.

Michael's arm isn't broken from the car accident, so that is good - just badly bruised. He's still waiting to hear about whether the car is totalled. I can't believe that I actually get to see him in a couple of days. I can't believe that this is all about to be over and we can get back to our lives together. Someone pinch me!

Life Happens

Michael was in a car accident.

He's okay - other than a hurt right arm. They don't think it's broken, but he needs to see an orthopedist. He thinks he totalled the car, but since it happened over the weekend, the insurance adjusters (or whatever) haven't looked at it yet.
He was driving the candidate to an event several hours from his parents' house. He was on a highway when a sheriff's deputy pulled out in front of him. Yep - he hit the law. (Sound familiar, A-T?) I'm hoping that teensy fact won't impact the state trooper's report of what happened, but you never know.

I was fine yesterday - worried about him & his arm, but fine. But today I started thinking about how bad this could have been. Michael could be lying in a hospital bed right now. Or worse. I know I can't let my mind go there, but the "what ifs" tend to creep in. Makes the other things I was going to write about seem incredibly superficial and silly. Nothing like a car accident to serve up a healthy dose of perspective.

The creepiest thing about this is that Friday night, I had a dream that I was down there visiting. Michael had decided to drive back up here early, but I couldn't leave for some reason. Then it started getting late and I was lost and hadn't heard from him. I was terrified that he had been in a car accident on his way back. Car accident. Creepy, no?

I just wish I was with him. I hate being so far away. I've always hated being so far away, but when you have something like this slap the fragility of life right in your face, it makes it feel a little more urgent. I feel like we are wasting time. Not so much in the fertility sense of the word, although I certainly feel that too. But I mean more that we are wasting these days that we should be spending WITH each other. I realize that in the span of a lifetime, a year is just a drop in the bucket. But who knows what could happen?

Have I mentioned that I can't wait for all of this to be OVER? One more week. Hopefully we can keep Michael in one piece until then.