Perfectly Normal

After a bit of the run-around, I finally got the pictures from my surgery and got them to my fertility doctor. Initially, the surgeon told my dad that I had significant scar tissue in there. But, according to my doctor, after looking at the photos today, everything looks perfectly normal. I had a small cyst on one of my ovaries, but that was about it. Nothing that would cause infertility. No signs of endometriosis. Which I guess is good news / bad news. While I'm glad I'm "perfectly normal", I would have liked some reason for my infertility. Something we could fix.

I feel like the fact that I have no explainable medical condition causing my infertility gives credence to those who tell me to just relax or that it will happen once I stop thinking about it. It's just frustrating. Because I know that no amount of relaxing or not thinking about it will get me pregnant. But I have no alternate explanation. And the "just relax" suggestion implies that it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. And I know it's not, but when there's no other explanation, it feels that way sometimes.

I guess I need to come to terms with the idea that not everything is fixable. There are some things that are just out of our hands. It's funny - I've gotten there in terms of the election that Michael is involved with, but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it fertility-wise. Both things - the election and my fertility - greatly impact my life moving forward, but somehow something that doesn't have to do with my body is easier to say - what will be, will be.

Michael's arm isn't broken from the car accident, so that is good - just badly bruised. He's still waiting to hear about whether the car is totalled. I can't believe that I actually get to see him in a couple of days. I can't believe that this is all about to be over and we can get back to our lives together. Someone pinch me!

Life Happens

Michael was in a car accident.

He's okay - other than a hurt right arm. They don't think it's broken, but he needs to see an orthopedist. He thinks he totalled the car, but since it happened over the weekend, the insurance adjusters (or whatever) haven't looked at it yet.
He was driving the candidate to an event several hours from his parents' house. He was on a highway when a sheriff's deputy pulled out in front of him. Yep - he hit the law. (Sound familiar, A-T?) I'm hoping that teensy fact won't impact the state trooper's report of what happened, but you never know.

I was fine yesterday - worried about him & his arm, but fine. But today I started thinking about how bad this could have been. Michael could be lying in a hospital bed right now. Or worse. I know I can't let my mind go there, but the "what ifs" tend to creep in. Makes the other things I was going to write about seem incredibly superficial and silly. Nothing like a car accident to serve up a healthy dose of perspective.

The creepiest thing about this is that Friday night, I had a dream that I was down there visiting. Michael had decided to drive back up here early, but I couldn't leave for some reason. Then it started getting late and I was lost and hadn't heard from him. I was terrified that he had been in a car accident on his way back. Car accident. Creepy, no?

I just wish I was with him. I hate being so far away. I've always hated being so far away, but when you have something like this slap the fragility of life right in your face, it makes it feel a little more urgent. I feel like we are wasting time. Not so much in the fertility sense of the word, although I certainly feel that too. But I mean more that we are wasting these days that we should be spending WITH each other. I realize that in the span of a lifetime, a year is just a drop in the bucket. But who knows what could happen?

Have I mentioned that I can't wait for all of this to be OVER? One more week. Hopefully we can keep Michael in one piece until then.

Frankenbelly

Today was my first day back at yoga. Yay! I took it easy and didn't do any deep backbends or anything. Wouldn't want Frankenbelly to pop those stitches! The incisions actually look good. Well, compared to what they used to look like. I was pretty self-conscious when my shirt rode up a bit and my scabby belly button was showing for all to see. Luckily, you are supposed to be introspective in yoga, so I highly doubt anyone noticed.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. I had my follow-up with the surgeon on Friday and he said everything looked good and I had no more restrictions on activity. (I was worried they had turned my belly button from an inny to an outy, but phew - it was just the way they had put those sticky strips on to hold it together. (To which Michael said when I told him - "Really? Imagine that - YOU worried about something for no reason..." Smartass.)

To clarify on the no activity restrictions thing, I asked the doc if I could run. He got all excited because he just ran his first marathon last year and was planning on another, but hurt his achilles. I was slightly embarassed to tell him that I was a 5K girl. But we all start somewhere! So, I'm going to hit the treadmill tomorrow. It has been 2 weeks since my last run. Hopefully, I haven't turned to complete jello in that time.

I actually have a lot of things I feel like I could write about. Like the fact that I saw a number on the scale that I haven't seen since I was 18. Or friends that I thought were planning to remain childfree just announced they are expecting. Or that 2 weeks from yesterday, I will be with Michael again - meaning this hellish year apart is almost over. Maybe I'll get to those posts sometime this week...

All Gone!

The surgery went really well. The surgeon told my dad that I had quite a few gallstones in there. So - sounds like a good thing that we removed that pesky gallbladder. The anesthetist was so busy asking me a thousand times if I was over 18 that she forgot to ask if there was any chance I was pregnant. Another nurse caught that oversight and wanted me to take a urine test. I told her that my husband was in Alabama and I'm infertile anyway. That settled that.

They did take some pictures of my ovaries and uterus to send to my fertility doctor. I didn't see the surgeon, but he told my dad that there was quite a bit of scar tissue and wanted to know if I'd had any other surgeries. The only thing I've ever had is egg retrieval. I wonder if that could have caused it?

The hospital was actually wonderful - everyone was incredibly kind and helpful. I've never been so grateful for graham crackers, apple juice, and a recliner that helps you get up in all of my life. I was home with pain pills in hand by about 6:30 or so. Time is a little fuzzy. My dad was with me at the hospital and then brought me home. Then my sister, Ashley came over with groceries and they made Southwestern Chicken Soup for dinner. It was kind of uncomfortable sitting on the couch verbally directing them around my kitchen, but definitely something I could get used to. ;-) We chatted and watched TV and Ash spent the night with me just to make sure I was okay. She also made me breakfast - which Uno stealthily snagged off of the counter.

I have gotten some amazing bouquets of flowers and the house smells wonderful. (Which is a good thing since I'm stuck in it.) My dad came over again at lunch and brought me a salad and some yummy grainy bread from Whole Foods. I'm basically on the couch reading and dozing. Although it seems like whenever I drift off, the phone rings, the doorbell rings, or Uno finds some imaginary thing to bark at. (She is currently trying to get her entire body under the coffee table to get away from the moth that somehow got in.) I think we should have named her Psycho instead of Uno. She got out during one of the flower deliveries - I couldn't hold her, sign the form and hold the flowers at the same time. Luckily, she just wanted the woman to pet her. Oh, and to get in her car and get the hell away from this place.

So, I'm doing well. Thanks for asking. I'm feeling a little bloated and tender, but other than that, I should be back in action shortly. I'm going to take my time recovering though. It's not too often that you have license to lie around for days on end - let alone be encouraged to do it!

30 Days

It is a beautiful day and I REALLY should be doing something outside. I swept the front porch brushed about 8 lbs of fur off the dog out back, but that isn't exactly what I had in mind.

I'm running a 5K tomorrow with my friend, Esther. I'm a little nervous as she used to run track in high school and played rugby more recently. I know I can run the whole thing, but I'm worried she's going to be at a much faster pace than I am. I guess we'll see! I ran twice while I was in Alabama visiting Michael this past week. Since he had to go to work, I just got up at the same time as he did and went for a run. The trip was great. In addition to seeing Michael, his brother's family was in town as well so we got to have fun with them too. I know I'm a little biased, but my nephew, Carson has got to be the sweetest little boy ever. Seriously. I didn't know they even MADE little boys that sweet.

So, only 30 days until the election. That means 30 days until Michael is DONE and can come home to me. This has been the longest year of my life. I'll head back down to AL for the election - and hopefully for a victory party! We don't know how long he'll have to stay for wrap-up type stuff, but hopefully not long.

In other news, I found a new therapist. A friend of mine (who is a therapist) recommended her, so I decided to give her a try. I've met with her twice now and so far so good. She's already gotten me to think differently about a few things. Like - maybe we DON'T need a Plan B before going into IVF #3. I don't know - the jury is still out on that. But it's been good to have someone to question me a little. And point out my analyst tendencies. (It's no coincidence that analyst starts with ANAL.)

My gall bladder surgery is Thursday, 10/9 at 2:30 PM. My little sister, Ashley is kindly going to meet me at the hospital, bring me home and spend the night with me. Thank goodness! I'm actually going to work Thursday morning before the surgery - mainly because I don't want to be sitting around my house thinking about how hungry & thirsty I am. But I can't wair any makeup, lotion, hair product, contacts - so I'll be quite the natural vision of beauty. Ha! So for about a week of the next 30 days, I will be recovering from surgery. Here's hoping that helps this month FLY by.

Well, That Was Fast

The surgeon's secretary called me this morning to schedule the surgery. Already! I realized yesterday that I forgot to ask the doctor the #1 question my doctor-friends Ravi and Chi told me to ask - "How many of these surgeries have you done?" Duh. He certainly sounded like he'd done a lot, but who knows. I speak with authority quite often on things I don't know much about. (Shhh... don't tell.) Anyway, I asked his secretary if she knew and she said that gall bladder surgery was his specialty, he'd been doing it since the mid-80's, and that he was known in the area as the "Lap - Chole King". (The surgery is called a cholecystectomy and it's done laparoscopically.) Not sure I'd want that as my claim to fame, but I certainly want the guy cutting me open to have that as his.

So, she's checking with the hospital, but the tentative date is Thursday, October 9th in the afternoon. I'm sure that means I can't eat anything all day and will be a big grumpypants, but it will also give me the long Columbus Day Weekend to recover. Now I need to find a ride to and from the hospital...

The other thing I forgot to tell you yesterday was that while the surgeon was examining me, he did a breast exam. Odd, but okay, we'll go with it. He asked me if I drank a lot of caffeinated beverages. I told him I cut all caffeine out years ago. He was shocked and said I have very dense breasts which he usually sees in people with a high caffeine intake. Just thought it was interesting that caffeine could be linked to your breast tissue. (And that anyone would use anything other than the word "small" to describe my breasts.) I think he did that particular exam because I had a mammogram years ago and I'm only 35. Guess that is another question I should have asked. Oh well.

Okay, that is the update for today!

Farewell For Now, My Dear Peanut Butter

So I met with the surgeon today, who agrees with the other 2 doctors about the status of my gall bladder. Big shocker there. He put me on a more restrictive diet up until the surgery. (Afterwards, I can eat whatever I want). But beforehand, they want to make sure that the ole GB isn't inflamed or anything so that it can come out laparoscopically. We didn't schedule the actual surgery yet - I have to wait for his secretary to call me in the next 5 business days to do that. But he did say the earliest would be 2 weeks from today. (So of course tonight, I signed up to run a 5K 2 weeks from yesterday. Gotta get the running in while I can!)

The recovery actually does not sound bad at all, and the procedure will take less than 2 hours. And, he said he'd just take some pictures of my uterus and ovaries and send them over to my RE - so that's good. 2 birds with one (gall) stone. Ha!

But seriously, it just sounds like I'll need to get a ride home from the hospital since I'll be on pain meds. The doctor even encouraged walking, so I won't need to board the pup. Shouldn't be too big of a deal - no nursemaids required, provided I stock my fridge before the surgery. ;-)

Saturday, I get to go visit Michael. I can't wait! He mentioned tonight that we're going to a gun show with his candidate after my flight gets in. I can honestly say THAT'S not something I've ever done before! City Mouse goes to the Gun Show. Should be interesting. This is my last trip before the election. 40 more days until all this is over and Michael gets to come home to me. Now THAT, I really can't wait for.

I also have an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. Hopefully, this one won't give me advice on how to get pregnant. She comes recommended by a friend of mine who IS a therapist and she even has experience working with couples dealing with infertility. So, I'm hopeful. I'll let you know how that goes too!

Survey Says...

The gall bladder has got to go.

I had my MRI results sent to both my primary care doctor and the gastroenterologist. They both called me with the same news - liver is fine, gall bladder is not. Well, it is, but apparently I have some massive stones in there and they think that I'll have future attacks. Especially if I get pregnant.

Pregnant, huh? So here is where I'm feeling a little silly. Statistically, I'm not likely to get pregnant. Even with IVF. But I still have that hope that it will happen for me. And how could I go into the final IVF knowing that I might have a gall bladder attack resulting in surgery that would put that little bean at risk? I couldn't - and so it's bye-bye Mr. Gall Bladder. But still, I feel a little silly for having something removed that isn't currently hurting me.

Of course, I'm jumping the gun a bit here because I haven't even met with the surgeon yet - that isn't until the 22nd. But given that 2 out of 2 doctors have recommended surgery, I'm guessing the SURGEON will recommend surgery too. I know, crazy thought.

Michael will still be in Alabama when I have surgery. He would like for me to wait until he is home and can properly wait on me hand and foot. And as tempting as that sounds, I think I want to get it over and done with. I want to be fully healed so that we can do our last IVF in December. Why December? Well, our family has some wonderful news that I haven't shared here. I have nephews and/or a neice due in January and March. Michael's brother Christian and his wife, Korie are pregnant with a new little brother for Carson (who, by the way thinks the best name for his baby brother is... Carson). And my little sister, Ashley and her husband Tom are pregnant with their first. I cannot wait to meet these 2 little additions! I'm not going to lie - it has been a rough year with Michael gone and all this joy going around to everyone else, it seems. But when I think about having neices and nephews to play with, spoil, dote on - I just get all warm and fuzzy inside.

So, December. I want all this fertility crap to be over and done with for their arrivals. Being in the throes of hormonal imbalance when my little sister gives birth to her first child would not be fun. Nor would it make me a particularly helpful big sister. I want to know where we stand in the world of fertility and our potential to be parents. Will it still be hard to welcome these perfect little babies into the world? No question, but at least we'll know the deal with us. And of course, there IS the potential that the IVF will work, and then I can see first hand what I've gotten myself into. ;-)

My mom thinks that Michael and I might need a few months together once he comes back. And she's not wrong. I don't relish the thought of spending our nights together with the hypodermic needle in hand. But my eggs aren't getting any younger and I feel like I've waited long enough already. My 36th birthday is in February. I want a baby. If I can't have one, I want to be done with this and move on. I don't WANT to wait any longer. I don't know. Anyone have any opinions on this? What would you do - go for it in December or put it off until April?

Wow. This went from a post about my gall bladder to an announcement of my family's pregnancies, to a poll about when to do our last IVF.

Lessons & Reminders

"After you get stung, you can't get unstung no matter how much you whine about it."

- Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees

I loved this book. There were many things I wanted to quote out of it, but this one I actually thought to mark. It's one I need to remember. Sometimes I like to whine. I like to think I'm the only person on earth experiencing my particular brand of pain. And that just isn't true. Whining about it & feeling sorry for myself doesn't change a darn thing. Infertility has stung me. Even if I do get pregnant at some point, it won't change the fact that I was stung. Nothing will. And that's okay. We all get stung in some way at some point in our lives.

The past few books I've read - Bel Canto, by Ann Patchett, Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert and The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd - have had a similar theme running through them. That theme is about wishing that you could stop time. Which may seem like an odd theme to resonate with me & where I am right now. The characters know that things cannot stay the way they are, but they are so in love with the moment that they want to just live in it forever. They know that where they are in life is temporary. We've all had times like that. I think we tend to see it most clearly when we are loving where we are and the way we are feeling. We forget that it is only transient when we don't love where we are, when we feel stuck. I need to remember that "this too shall pass". It's hard when there seems to be no end in sight, no resolution to your pain. But isn't it true that everything in life is temporary?

So, my recent "lessons read" are that everyone gets stung, and the pain is only temporary. It may not ever go away, but it will ebb. Good things to remember.

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I spent today with about 15 teenage boys in foster care. For work, I had to facilitate a focus group with them around how we could be better about involving them and their families in our work with them. (I work in child welfare, but not usually directly with the families & kids.) These boys were amazing and terrible at the same time. Intelligent and silly. Tough and so, so vulnerable. While we didn't ask them about why they came into foster care, some of them volunteered glimpses of their stories. One boy said he cried when he was removed from his parents even though he knew they were hurting him. Not one of those boys made fun of him. Not one. I was moved by how honest and outgoing these boys were, despite all they had been through. Sure we had some random rubber band fights, but they are little boys, after all.

Some of them had been recently adopted. Others were still hoping they'd be adopted at some point. And there were those who were just waiting until their 18th birthdays to see their parents again without a judge saying they can't.

These boys reminded me of why I do the work I do. Why it's important to look at HOW we do our work so that these kids get the best shot in life. I can get bogged down with the amount of paper on my desk, the deadlines, the bureaucracy. But it's important work. If I can't have my own kids, I can at least do my best to make sure "the system" actually works for these most vulnerable kids. Another good reminder for me.

The Bon Jovi Days

So if you could pick ANY age to relive, what would it be? 13? Yeah, that is probably last on your list, but that is exactly what I did Saturday night. We had a middle school reunion. Yep - you read that right. Middle school. Who does that? Me, apparently.

And you know what? It was awesome. 2 of these women moved away in the 8th grade and we've all reconnected on Facebook. Several of them were going to be in town this weekend, so we planned a little get-together. We brought old pictures and yearbooks and tortured each other. I won't post any of the old pics (can we say HAIR?!), but here's a shot from the night.


The only thing that would have made the night better was if a) more people could have joined in the fun and b) we had been at a place that played 80's music. We definitely needed some Bon Jovi. Much to my surprise, I was out way too late and had to bail on my day-hike the next day with other friends. I was bummed to miss it, but there was absolutely NO WAY I could go. I hardly got any sleep and was supposed to be at their house at 7 AM for an 8-mile hike. Not happening.

Anyway, other events from the weekend included saying goodbye to my dear friend Mariahna who is moving to Utah, dinner with the rents, new do (see photo - I'm second from the right - tell me it's not too short), working at the shelter, a bit of shopping, and a walk with Uno and my friend Abby (& super-cute pup Venus) who lives down the street but who I haven't seen in way too long. So it was a good, action-packed weekend.

While I'm sad that this weekend signals the end of summer, I'm happy that it gets me one step closer to having Michael home. 64 days until the election.