Isolation

Sorry I'm late on this book review. Chapter 5 in Unsung Lullabies is about the isolation that accompanies infertility. They include things like:
- the media's inference that it's easy to get pregnant any time you want
- changes in ourselves and narcissistic injury
- the secrecy and silent pain of infertility

Media Myths
Aside from arrests or rehab, the biggest news stories about celebrities revolve around birth or death. Celebrity pregnancies are covered in all their glory, regardless of the age of the celeb. You never hear the hell or expense that some of these people went through to have their children. The book says, "The implied message is that having a baby is predictable and expected, within our control, and that, indeed, anyone can do it." We also never hear the stories about people who use fertility treatments unsuccessfully. The mere existence of these fertility treatments, while wonderful, feed right into my control-freak nature. It feels like there's some sort of guarantee. But the reality is - there's no such thing. The authors talk about the disconnect between the reality of what fertility treatments can do and the hope that they offer.

Narcissism
The book talks a lot about expectations of yourself. I think this is why they started with the concept of trying to understand our own reproductive story - to help us understand WHY we have these expectations of ourselves. When we can't have a baby, we feel like we are letting ourselves (as well as our partners and families) down. There is also a psychological shift when you begin trying to have a baby. You start thinking about what will change in your life, mentally preparing - making room in your mind for a baby. You begin to start defining yourself in different terms - thinking of yourself as a parent. When things don't go as planned, you are stuck in limbo - not exactly knowing how to define yourself.

The authors include a lengthy discussion of narcissism and note that healthy narcissism is concern for the self. Infertility is a narcissistic injury because it damages your sense of self. We feel ashamed of what we see as our own failure. They also talk about blaming yourself for your infertility (hello, Allison). I totally identified with this part of the book. (Maybe because I do have some narcissistic tendencies - uh, this blog for example?) They say that blaming yourself gives you some sense of control over the situation even if it defies logic. "Many women and men struggling with infertility find it more comforting to blame themselves than to have no answers at all...Feeling in control, even if it involves guilt, may actually feel better than having nothing to blame." The authors suggest the next time you find yourself doing this, to check in - what is the feeling behind it? What is feeling out of control? I'm happy to have a suggestion of something to try!

Silent Suffering
For me, my infertility was never a private matter. My sister got engaged right after I went off the Pill. She was planning to have her wedding in Hawaii the following year. Thinking it might take me a few months to actually get pregnant (ha!), I was worried that I wouldn't be able to travel. So, my whole family knew that we were trying once I had to throw a monkey-wrench into my sister's nuptual plans. And once my family knew, it was only fair to tell Michael's family too. So - no secrets here.

It isn't how I would have planned it, but I am glad it worked out this way. I didn't have to suffer in silence like so many others. Our families and friends have been a wonderful source of support. My isolation is feeling different. Feeling defective. I can't do what every other woman seems to be able to - sometimes unintentionally. That's my isolation - self-inflicted and, now I recognize, narcissistic. I'll be working on that.

To read another review of this chapter, just click here.