Chapter 3 talks about the losses of infertility, describing how these losses compound and affect your sense of self. It even cites this as the reason we may inexplicably fall apart at a minor reminder of our inability to conceive. Wow - that certainly sounds right after experiencing the Sunday School Incident.
The two losses that I identified with most were the loss of being in control (big shocker there) and the loss of feeling competent. The control thing is no surprise - I've been trying to deal with that since the beginning. The concept of the loss of feeling competent was a new one for me. "The inability to have a child makes otherwise very capable people feel inept at everything." I have been feeling worse and worse about my job. I still love it, but I don't feel as confident in my abilities. Lately, I haven't felt like I'm doing a very good job. The thought that this feeling might be related to my infertility was huge for me. And important to recognize.
I immediately discounted one of the losses they talk about - the loss of experiencing pregnancy and birth. I've always been slightly terrified of that part of becoming a parent, actually. But once I actually gave it some thought, they had a point. I always thought pregnant women looked so beautiful and healthy. Until we had problems getting pregnant, I'd look at them and smile. Now I just try not to look at them at all. I don't want to see how happy they are. So, maybe I do have a bit of an issue with that loss.
Anyway, add up all these little losses and you come to the big one - the loss of your sense of self. The authors write, "When you take on the identity of an infertility patient, you are forced to define yourself differently. You no longer feel that you can rely on yourself; you have lost not only self-esteem, but also the sense of your own competence." They say that the first step in healing is acknowledging these losses. So, we're on the right track by blogging about it!
Chapter 4 focuses more on feeling stuck - the feeling that you aren't yet an adult since you aren't a parent. This is likely more of an issue for people whose families include lots of children. I'm not in that situation, so there isn't that constant reminder at holidays. However, becoming a parent feels like a milestone to adulthood - like graduating from high school, moving into your own place, etc. But it's a milestone I haven't yet achieved. The authors write, "If you want to become a parent, infertility interrupts your sense of completion and accomplishment, no matter what else you have done."
Having children would also enable me to have a different and new relationship with my parents. I feel like I'm missing out on sharing that with them. And (although they have assured me to the contrary), I can't help but feel that I am letting them down by not being able to make them grandparents.
One analogy that I really like in this chapter is comparing the frustration of infertility to the frustration of a toddler. I remember my sister saying "I can do it mySELF!" when we were little. Oh, how I feel that way now. Again, for me it's the loss of control. I'm so used to being able to "do it myself" in every other area of my life.
This chapter is also the first time the authors talk about dealing with the idea of never having a biological child. They stress the importance of defining yourself by things other than infertility. They suggest thinking about other ways you will contribute to the world (calling it "giving to the future"). For me, I think it's volunteering and my work. They discuss the importance of continuing to do these activities while undergoing fertility treatments and how that can help regain your sense of self. I've been cutting back on my volunteer work, worrying that it was too much, thinking that I need to focus on THE CYCLE. Maybe just the opposite is true. And realizing that my feelings about incompetence might be related to infertility, rather than my career will likely help me to regain confidence in that area as well. I feel like these 2 chapters have helped to get me steered in the right direction. Let's see where it takes us.
Follow the link for another blogger's discussion of these chapters.
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I very much want to experience pregnancy. I watched my sister's body be WRACKED by it; I don't have any fantacies about it being all good. But even if it isn't a barrel of laughs it still seems like some right of passage. I want the experience.
Most of the time I was tremendously unhappy I was focusing on the medical problems (mine, his and ours) and forgetting to live my life. I think it is easy to let ourselves be defined by IF, but we must not if we are too retain our sanity.
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