Once again - I don't have wait for the nurse's call at my desk tomorrow about how the pregnancy test turned out. For those of you who need things spelled out a bit more - I started my period - clearly not pregnant.
I almost didn't go to a picnic today. That would have been my first missed event due to this infertility stuff. I've been to baby showers, babysat, etc. but today the thought of someone asking me about "how things were going" would have reduced me to a blubbering mess. I was somehow able to get myself OUT of the blubbering mess state to put my makeup on and get to the picnic. (I am still totally blaming it on all these hormones.) ;-) For the record, I'm really glad I went to the picnic - it was really fun (as I knew it would be) and my friends are the greatest. I know they would have understood if I was a no show, but hey - I had a record to keep.
I'm reading a book my Aunt Margie sent me called "Unsung Lullabies" that has hit home several times. One thing it talks about is that the process of infertility is a recurrent trauma. It's the accumulation of losses - having a failure month after month that takes its toll. Not only are you sad about one failed cycle, you are sad about the cumulative effect of all the previous failures. I guess that is part of what I am going through now. Interestingly enough, the authors recommend sharing your experience or your feelings with someone. So I guess you all are helping me get through this!
But it IS an emotional roller coaster. Once we start the new cycle, we will need to have put this failed cycle behind us and be positive and hopeful once again. It's really hard to be hopeful when you are wondering if you are setting yourself up for another heartbreak. At the same time, you don't want to go into it thinking that it isn't going to work. It's a tough balance.
I'm not sure what to do this cycle. I kind of want to take a break from all these drugs. I've cancelled my pregnancy test, but I will probably go in for the Day 3 bloodwork & ultrasound just to see what is going on in there. We will also need to set up our consultation with the doctor for IVF since this next one will be our last IUI cycle. I'll probably check back in with you all on Wednesday after the Day 3 stuff. Thanks for being here.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Ancient Chinese Secret
I had my final acupuncture session for this cycle. He explained what each needle did for fertility - the ones in the top of my feet fortify my liver (and mainly - help me to relax). The ones in my shins and inner knees nourish my uterus with blood and energy. The ones in my wrists minimize uterine contractions. And finally, the one in the top of my head helps thicken the lining of my uterus - and is also a relaxation point. He also always puts 2 in my ear, but I forgot to ask about those.
I still find it amazing that sticking needles in me can help me relax, but I'm not going to argue - I usually fall asleep during the sessions.
Okay - here's the cool thing. At the beginning of each session, he checks my pulse on both wrists and looks at my tongue. The positive thing is that today he said the pulse signaling implantation on my left side was strong. That apparently means that if we are pregnant this time, it will likely be a boy (or boys). Crazy!
Michael is still skeptical, but from the research I've done - this can't hurt. I figure acupuncture has been around for thousands of years and western medicine has only been around for a couple hundred (if that). At this rate, the acupuncturist has a better track record than the fertility clinic! I figure going to both has to up our odds even more, right? ;-)
I still find it amazing that sticking needles in me can help me relax, but I'm not going to argue - I usually fall asleep during the sessions.
Okay - here's the cool thing. At the beginning of each session, he checks my pulse on both wrists and looks at my tongue. The positive thing is that today he said the pulse signaling implantation on my left side was strong. That apparently means that if we are pregnant this time, it will likely be a boy (or boys). Crazy!
Michael is still skeptical, but from the research I've done - this can't hurt. I figure acupuncture has been around for thousands of years and western medicine has only been around for a couple hundred (if that). At this rate, the acupuncturist has a better track record than the fertility clinic! I figure going to both has to up our odds even more, right? ;-)
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Blame It On the Hormones
Just when I think I've avoided any side effects from these extra hormones in my system, I find myself crying like a baby in the grocery store parking lot. Seriously, I was afraid someone was going to come over to make sure I was okay - it was that bad. My mom moves to Florida on Monday and I had just gotten off the phone with her - and I totally lost it. I don't know why. I've known she's moving for over a year now. I know this is really what she wants and that she'll love it and be extremely happy there. And yes, I've been selfishly sad about it - but not *sobbing* sad. Rationally, I know she'll only be a phone call, quick plane trip, or (11-hour) car ride away. I'll probably talk to her just as much as I do now.
But she's my mom. And I've never been farther than 2 hours away from her in my entire life. I guess with my struggle to become a mom, having my own mom move away has impacted me more than I thought it would. As if it's symbolic in some weird way.
Or maybe it's just the hormones...
But she's my mom. And I've never been farther than 2 hours away from her in my entire life. I guess with my struggle to become a mom, having my own mom move away has impacted me more than I thought it would. As if it's symbolic in some weird way.
Or maybe it's just the hormones...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Mission Accomplished
We had the IUI today. Everything went smoothly - the actual IUI took about 1 minute. Then I had to lay there and marinate for about 5 minutes. That's it! The doctor said I responded really well to the medicine so this cycle looks good despite the cyst.
I had to tell work I had a "minor medical procedure" because I had to reschedule a meeting. We didn't know we were going to have the IUI today until Sunday, and they only had 2 appointments left - so it wasn't like we got to pick our times.
It's kind of weird - we don't go in together for the IUI. Michael goes in first and then they do some sort of sperm washing process - as my doctor says - to get the uber-sperm. Then I go in 2 hours later for the actual IUI. Michael had to come all the way out to Fairfax from DC at 1 PM, so the poor thing took the rest of this beautiful day off.
Now, I take progesterone supplements (not orally - ugh) for 2 weeks until I either start my period or have the blood test on 5/29 to determine if I'm pregnant. (I can't take any of those home pregnancy tests because the drugs will screw up the results.) Keep your fingers, toes, hair, everything crossed for us! Positive thinking, everyone!
I had to tell work I had a "minor medical procedure" because I had to reschedule a meeting. We didn't know we were going to have the IUI today until Sunday, and they only had 2 appointments left - so it wasn't like we got to pick our times.
It's kind of weird - we don't go in together for the IUI. Michael goes in first and then they do some sort of sperm washing process - as my doctor says - to get the uber-sperm. Then I go in 2 hours later for the actual IUI. Michael had to come all the way out to Fairfax from DC at 1 PM, so the poor thing took the rest of this beautiful day off.
Now, I take progesterone supplements (not orally - ugh) for 2 weeks until I either start my period or have the blood test on 5/29 to determine if I'm pregnant. (I can't take any of those home pregnancy tests because the drugs will screw up the results.) Keep your fingers, toes, hair, everything crossed for us! Positive thinking, everyone!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mother's Day
We had my mom & Tony and Ashley & Tom over for brunch this morning. The weather was perfect, so we even got to sit outside and enjoy it for awhile. All in all - a good Mother's Day. The morning was a little hectic because I had to go back to the doctor to check the progress of the follicles AND get all the stuff ready for brunch. Luckily, Michael's pretty handy in the kitchen.
The ultrasound showed that the 2 follicles on the right are lookin' good - 19.6 and 16.5. The left side was still quiet. The nurse was one of the nicest and most thorough that I've had there. She said - oooh, it looks like you get to have a trigger shot for Mother's Day! It was cute - she was seriously excited. My bloodwork all came back fine, so I'll do the trigger shot tonight. Our IUI is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.
I had to laugh at the sheet with the instructions that they gave me. It says what to do on what days. The line that cracked me up says:
The ultrasound showed that the 2 follicles on the right are lookin' good - 19.6 and 16.5. The left side was still quiet. The nurse was one of the nicest and most thorough that I've had there. She said - oooh, it looks like you get to have a trigger shot for Mother's Day! It was cute - she was seriously excited. My bloodwork all came back fine, so I'll do the trigger shot tonight. Our IUI is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.
I had to laugh at the sheet with the instructions that they gave me. It says what to do on what days. The line that cracked me up says:
Day 2 (day after trigger) - it's a free day! No injections, no bloodwork, no ultrasound, no intercourse.Guess I should be relieved that it's a day we don't HAVE to. ;-) Lumping it in with those fun things like injections just made me laugh. (Michael, I promise I don't think of it that way!)
Friday, May 11, 2007
The Lotto
Sometimes I joke that I really should play the lottery. 10% of women suffer from unexplained infertility. I'm one of the lucky few. 10% of women who take ovarian stimulation drugs suffer from ovarian cysts. Wow - lucky me! With odds like these, why shouldn't I play? Maybe I should place a wager on the Preakness... Anybody want to front me the funds?
But seriously, I AM lucky. So many women who are dealing with infertility don't have the support of their friends and family. Or don't feel like they can share what they are going through. Michael and I have become closer through all of this. We have talked through things we'd never have discussed if everything had happened according to plan.
And you have all been so wonderful. Heck, you're reading this blog, aren't you? None of you says things that minimize my situation or make me feel judged. I couldn't ask for more from you all. I just had dinner last night with 3 of my closest friends and they are the most understanding, supportive women I could ever hope to call my friends.
Okay - enough sap (totally blame the fertility drugs). On to the follicle report for the day. I had bloodwork (in both arms since the nurse couldn't find a vein in my left arm) and the ultrasound/wanding. The doctor said that the cyst on my right ovary has grown a bit, but it's still nothing to worry about. I have 2 good follicles on my right ovary - 12.6 mm and 13.3 mm and 3 follicles under 10 on my left. That means that the 2 follicles on the right are likely the ones that will release eggs. They won't do the trigger shot that will make me ovulate until those follicles are close to 20 mm. Ill continue the Follistim shots and go back for more bloodwork and an ultrasound on Sunday morning to see how much those follicles have grown. (Don't worry, Mom - they promised it wouldn't interfere with Mother's Day brunch.) Oh - and they figured out the insurance mess, so my prescriptions are all okay. I'll pick them up tomorrow.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Hopefully, one of these days, I can join your ranks! (Even though that is what I want most, the thought of being a mother still terrifies me - guess it's just one of those things...)
But seriously, I AM lucky. So many women who are dealing with infertility don't have the support of their friends and family. Or don't feel like they can share what they are going through. Michael and I have become closer through all of this. We have talked through things we'd never have discussed if everything had happened according to plan.
And you have all been so wonderful. Heck, you're reading this blog, aren't you? None of you says things that minimize my situation or make me feel judged. I couldn't ask for more from you all. I just had dinner last night with 3 of my closest friends and they are the most understanding, supportive women I could ever hope to call my friends.
Okay - enough sap (totally blame the fertility drugs). On to the follicle report for the day. I had bloodwork (in both arms since the nurse couldn't find a vein in my left arm) and the ultrasound/wanding. The doctor said that the cyst on my right ovary has grown a bit, but it's still nothing to worry about. I have 2 good follicles on my right ovary - 12.6 mm and 13.3 mm and 3 follicles under 10 on my left. That means that the 2 follicles on the right are likely the ones that will release eggs. They won't do the trigger shot that will make me ovulate until those follicles are close to 20 mm. Ill continue the Follistim shots and go back for more bloodwork and an ultrasound on Sunday morning to see how much those follicles have grown. (Don't worry, Mom - they promised it wouldn't interfere with Mother's Day brunch.) Oh - and they figured out the insurance mess, so my prescriptions are all okay. I'll pick them up tomorrow.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. Hopefully, one of these days, I can join your ranks! (Even though that is what I want most, the thought of being a mother still terrifies me - guess it's just one of those things...)
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I Love HMO's
Heard from the pharmacy today after trying to refill my meds from last cycle. I had some leftover, so I just started with those. Apparently, the insurance company will only approve one of the three medication refills for some odd reason. I'll need to figure that out tomorrow. I only hope that it's really approved and I haven't been giving myself these shots for no reason!
I had a few questions about the cyst I posted about earlier. Basically, since the cyst isn't producing any estrogen, it won't affect my egg production or that ovary. It will just go away with time.
If anyone wants to know about the meds & how IUI works - here it is in a nutshell. The shots I am giving myself are Follistim which stimulate my ovaries to produce more & better quality eggs. (It's way stronger than Clomid.) They'll check my blood and do another wanding to see how my follicles (which release the eggs) are progressing from the Follistim. Once I have several follicles around 20 mm, I will give myself a "trigger shot" called Ovidrel which causes me to ovulate (release the eggs). 36 hours after the trigger shot, we'll do the IUI. That means they'll take Michael's sperm and put it directly into my uterus. The swimmers have less distance to travel and the timing works since we know when I ovulated. Once I have the IUI, I take progesterone to ensure my lining stays thick enough for implantation and then just wait until I either get my period or take a blood test 15 days later. That's 15 days of pure torture!
Phew! This became longer than I intended. Hope that answers at least some questions. Feel free to post other questions in the comments (you can even do it anonymously) or just ask me.
I had a few questions about the cyst I posted about earlier. Basically, since the cyst isn't producing any estrogen, it won't affect my egg production or that ovary. It will just go away with time.
If anyone wants to know about the meds & how IUI works - here it is in a nutshell. The shots I am giving myself are Follistim which stimulate my ovaries to produce more & better quality eggs. (It's way stronger than Clomid.) They'll check my blood and do another wanding to see how my follicles (which release the eggs) are progressing from the Follistim. Once I have several follicles around 20 mm, I will give myself a "trigger shot" called Ovidrel which causes me to ovulate (release the eggs). 36 hours after the trigger shot, we'll do the IUI. That means they'll take Michael's sperm and put it directly into my uterus. The swimmers have less distance to travel and the timing works since we know when I ovulated. Once I have the IUI, I take progesterone to ensure my lining stays thick enough for implantation and then just wait until I either get my period or take a blood test 15 days later. That's 15 days of pure torture!
Phew! This became longer than I intended. Hope that answers at least some questions. Feel free to post other questions in the comments (you can even do it anonymously) or just ask me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Is bad news bad if you already knew it?
Went in this morning for Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound. What I affectionately refer to as "The Wand" showed a cyst on my right ovary, but they said as long as my estrogen level came back normal, I could go ahead and start the injections for next cycle. The nurse just called with my bloodwork results - and said the good news is that my estrogen is fine - the bad news is that I'm not pregnant. Ummmm... yeah, pretty much already knew that, but thanks.
So, I get to turn into the human pin cushion again starting tonight. Good thing I have my yoga class first. I can get good and relaxed before I have to stab myself in the stomach. ;-) I'm just happy I don't have to take a break for these darn cysts this time and we can move ahead. I go back for another wanding on Friday to check the progress of my follicles, so I'll probably post again after that.
So, I get to turn into the human pin cushion again starting tonight. Good thing I have my yoga class first. I can get good and relaxed before I have to stab myself in the stomach. ;-) I'm just happy I don't have to take a break for these darn cysts this time and we can move ahead. I go back for another wanding on Friday to check the progress of my follicles, so I'll probably post again after that.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Virgin Post
Okay, guys. I am putting myself out there now. Instead of all the e-mails & phone calls with my "progress", I am just going to post here in cyberspace for you to see whenever you want.
I had a hard time telling you all that this cycle failed. Somehow I feel that I've let you down, in addition to letting myself down. Logically, I know we are doing all we can do and that it will take time, but month after month I can't help feeling like a failure. Feeling like I can't do the one thing all women are supposed to be able to do at the drop of a hat.
Anyway, despite that last paragraph, I am going to try to stay positive on this blog - but it might also be a good place for me to vent. Please don't feel like you have to respond. I just thought you might like a place to know what is going on. I didn't restrict this blog because then you would all have to log-in to check it, but please only share it selectively, if at all. I plan on putting my personal "bidness" up here.
Thanks, everyone.
I had a hard time telling you all that this cycle failed. Somehow I feel that I've let you down, in addition to letting myself down. Logically, I know we are doing all we can do and that it will take time, but month after month I can't help feeling like a failure. Feeling like I can't do the one thing all women are supposed to be able to do at the drop of a hat.
Anyway, despite that last paragraph, I am going to try to stay positive on this blog - but it might also be a good place for me to vent. Please don't feel like you have to respond. I just thought you might like a place to know what is going on. I didn't restrict this blog because then you would all have to log-in to check it, but please only share it selectively, if at all. I plan on putting my personal "bidness" up here.
Thanks, everyone.
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