My first job was in IT consulting. It was enjoyable and I learned a lot and met a ton of cool people, but I always knew it was my job and not my career. Since I switched jobs in 2001 to work in local government, I've felt differently. I've felt like THIS is my career. THIS is what I was meant to do. I love my work, and on most days, wake up excited to go to work. I realize that this is rare and that I've been extremely lucky.
I've also taken solace in my career since I can't have children. If I can't be a mother, at least I can pour myself into my job and excel at that.
Until now. I didn't realize why the fact that things were changing at work was making me so darn SAD. But now I see that I've been using work as my stand-in baby. So when our new director says she's "not convinced" that something I've been devoting myself to for 2 years is a good idea, it devastated me. I've been dragging myself to work. Happy for any days off - all these snow days. I'm dejected. For the first time, I'm feeling like I can't be successful there anymore. Like I can't make a difference. And that is tearing me up.
I've started exploring other options but there really don't seem to be many that would allow me to continue to do what I love. And the part that saddens me the most is that I still love what I do. It's just that the environment has changed so much, that it makes it nearly impossible and unbearable.
I feel like if I had a child, I could bear this change because my career would go back to being a job. It would still be important to me, but I'd have something more important to focus my attention on. If it was "just a job", I think I could deal with it. But it is what I do, who I am. And that makes it so much harder.
I seem to be at a crossroads here.
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On another note, the spammers have seemingly found this blog and are commenting anonymously. While some of you may be very interested in having a larger penis or opening a casino, I delete those comments and am probably going to eliminate anonymous posting. I haven't done that in the past because most of you who post anonymously are real live people. But leave it to the spammers to ruin something for everyone. I'm hoping you will sign up for a free google account so that you can still comment. XOXO
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Way too many details about our quest for a child of our own.
The Follicle Report
About This Blog - I began this blog to have one place to inform friends and family about our fertility treatments. Eventually, I expanded it to others I met on-line who were struggling too. Now, there are links here from other blogs, so there are people I don't necessarily know reading this. I welcome anyone and everyone who's interested.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
About Us - We've been trying to have a baby since May 2005 and are considered to have "unexplained infertility". The only test that has ever come back abnormal on either of us diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - which all the doctors say is not impacting my fertility. We have been through 4 unsuccessful Clomid cycles, 3 unsuccessful IUIs with injectables, three unsuccessful IVF attempts and one IVF cycle converted to an IUI, also unsuccessful. We have reached the end of the road.
This is my space to share our struggles with you and to try to keep my perspective on the whole thing. Thanks for reading.
Resource List
- Center for Reproductive Psychology (from the authors of Unsung Lullabies)
- Stirrup Queens & Sperm Palace Jesters - blog of all IF blogs
- RESOLVE Info for Friends & Family
- Thyroid Disease & Fertility
- Shady Grove Fertility
- IVF Overview
- Hormone Level Chart
- Infertility Awareness - "Empty Arms" Slideshow
- NY Times Article on Infertility
Infertility Dictionary
- ART - Alternative Reproductive Technologies (for example IUI, IVF, etc.)
- ER - Egg Retrieval (surgery to remove the eggs from my ovaries for IVF)
- ET - Embryo Transfer (putting the embryo from the petri dish into my uterus)
- Follicle - sack that releases the egg
- HSG - Hysterosalpingogram (test to make sure tubes are clear)
- IF - Infertility (or Infertile)
- Injectables - shots in the tummy to stimulate my ovaries to produce more/better eggs
- IUI - Intrauterine Insemination (aka - turkey baster method)
- IVF - In Vitro Fertilization (aka Petri Dish method)
- RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)
- The Wand - Transvaginal Ultrasound
- TTC - Trying to conceive
9 comments:
I wish I had some magic insight for you. :/
(Hugs) I am sad that your boss is a turd. You have so much to offer. She needs to realize that!
(~Sherry)
i totally get the job thing and agree. my job tho seems to still be a giant partof who i am, tho less important.
i hope u find inspiration there again. i had that w/ my crap team. no fun.
So Sorry to hear. I loved my freelance work as IT consultant, but my company 'reorganised' and let the experienced/expensive people go. After 5 months I still have no idea who I want to be. childless mother, jobless consultant, it just doesn't sound right.
Sorry that the sad didn't stay away. Silly roads of life that keep changing on us...
I'm sorry. I hope the climate changes soon.
I'm sorry too. It is a total shame that something fulfilling can become less so due to other people, and through no fault (or control) of your own. I hope for a miraculous turnaround, or a eureka moment of inspiration for another direction.
Allison,
I've come across your blog on IVF Fertility Godess website and read it all within last few days. Just wanted to say I went through similar stuff and felt very much like you described at various stages of your journey. The hopes, the negatives, the planning, trying to be brave or cool about it, disappointment and emptiness.
Whatever you decide, remember that if you really want to hear this little giggles on future Christmas Days, it CAN happen through adoption. You can be a mum and you will be, if you decide so. That's also what I keep saying to myself and helps me stay sane.
Seems like you have few decisions to make - on adoption, on your job. Best of luck with them. And thank you for writing your blog with such honesty.
Anna
Awe I totally know where u r coming from. Big hugs.
Anyways i stumbled across your blog and wnated to invite you to my site. It is a site for moms moms to beand ladies TTC. The TTC are is still small but hopefully will grow with time:)
http://www.chatterscene.com
How's that crossroads going?
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