What's Next?

I wrote this right after Christmas, but didn't hit "publish" because I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to say. But the point of all this is to help me think things through, not to be perfect and articulate, so I said screw it and just hit "publish". (Look at me - all throwing caution to the wind and such...)

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I think this may have been the first year that I ever felt really and truly sad at Christmas. I mean, in years past, I have been sad about not having a child. But the sadness in those years was always interlaced with hope. Hope that this would be the year that we would become parents. Someway, somehow.

This year, I woke up Christmas morning and looked at our bedroom door. I realized that there would never be the sound of little giggles as the door opened and our children bounded in to wake us. We’d never get to see the joy on their faces as they scurried downstairs to see what Santa brought them. You see, before I would always replace those thoughts of childlessness with hope for the future. I would remind myself that one day, I would be a mother. And just like that – sadness would become hope and anticipation. But not this year. This year it all seemed so... final.

Don’t get me wrong. We had a wonderful Christmas – sitting by the tree opening our gifts to each other, spending time with my family, playing with my niece, playing with our new Wii (super fun, by the way!). But previously in life there’s always been something to look forward to – another stage in life. When I was a kid, there was always the next grade in school, then going off to college, getting my first job, getting married, having kids, raising kids, becoming a grandparent. I feel like my trajectory into adulthood got sent off track there in the middle. And I don’t know what to do with that. I have spent so long thinking that was how my life would go, that I don’t know what to look forward to now. And I feel like I’ve spent the last 5 years of my life on hold as we waited for the birth of our child…and waited…and waited.

I don’t want my life to be on hold anymore, but I’m afraid I don’t know any different. What does it mean to NOT have your life on hold? Does it mean traveling? Does it mean relishing the mornings we get to sleep in? Does it mean spending our money rather than constantly trying to scrape together enough to have savings? Does it mean being selfish? One of my friends recently was telling a story about a woman who was completely selfish and irresponsible. To illustrate that fact, she pointed out that she was 40 and never had kids. Is that what I have to look forward to? Being selfish and irresponsible? Doesn’t sound so appealing, I have to be honest.

Maybe this is just a reminder to live in the present – to enjoy my life for what it is rather than to bemoan what it isn’t. The holidays also had me thinking about my friend who lost her husband and her father suddenly in the span of a few months this year. Christmas morning, after looking wistfully at our closed bedroom door, I looked at my husband sleeping and was incredibly thankful for what I have. I need to remember that more often. Why does it always seem to be the misfortune of others that gives me the most perspective?

The Unsung Lullabies book talks about “rewriting your reproductive story”. To be perfectly honest, in all these years, I’ve never read that section. It’s about changing that story you always had in your head – grow up, get married, have kids. I didn’t ever want to face the fact that I’d HAVE to rewrite my story. I thought eventually, I’d have a baby and it would all be moot. I didn’t want to even entertain the alternative. (I also didn’t read the chapter on parenting after infertility because I didn’t want to jinx anything. And to think – I never considered myself superstitious!) It might be time to break that book out again…

P.S. I still haven’t worked out my post on adoption. And I haven’t touched any of the materials I got at that adoption seminar. I consciously put them in our guest room and not our office/junk room/would-have-been nursery because that just seemed like a bad omen. I do however realize that the longer we put off making a decision, the more that becomes a decision in and of itself. Yep, I’m waaaaay too aware of that.